I need some real help right now with my mind... family... things...
Okay. So here's the deal with me. -In my family, there's constant fighting. Lots of it. There's never a day without some petty argument that turns into full blown fights. It makes me receed into my room, staying there because I'm scared I'll trigger a huge fight. I'm scared I'll get yelled at for standing there. I try to hide myself at home the best I can. I can't handle bad conflict. At least not well.
-My brother's abuse or 'love' towards our dog (I think he may end up being a zoophile with the way he views/treats her)
-I'm fine with people that AREN'T my family making physical contact with me. If it's ESPECIALLY my Mum, I hate it. I don't know why. I've never been physically or sexually abused by anyone. Emotional on the other hand? Oh, there's plenty.
-I don't hate my family! We have really good experiences with each other sometimes! It just always concludes in a fight!
-My dad will sometimes yell at me to shut me up. Because he can't handle me trying to resolve problems with my input. One time, we were lost and I had a really good idea to get us to where we needed to be, and when I tried, he yelled at me saying he didn't want my input/help because I'd only get us more lost. He also has really really hard expectations for me.
-My Mum makes me really....uncomfortable. Though I'm not sure she's aware... or maybe she is, I don't know. She's saying she's 'my number one fan', demanding to touch me when I say I don't want to, saying I have physical bits of me inside of her which I really hate, staring at me for long periods of time which I also hate... and yet she's always commenting on things I do, my appearances, my choices... she's sometimes wanting to look to me for help with herself. She says that she'll do whatever i want, whenever I want. That she'll let me do anything. Consistent attempts at guilt tripping and stuff, which I've tried to stop... I understand why, but...
-The place I love the most, the place where my heart is supposed to be, my home, is definitely NOT where I live. I feel like I haven't even found it yet. The best experiences I've had are always ones away from home. With others. Where I can be with my friends or alone where I can be myself.
-My mum is saying she supports me with whatever I do, yet she hates the fact that I'm trans. And she gets even worse when I'm not hypermasculine. She's for some reason okay with me being nonbinary, presumably because she can make me feel like a girl or hyperfeminine that way, being neutral. But when I say I want to be referred to as a boy, especially a non-hypermasculine one, she HATES IT. She is saying that I'm mentally ill and insane, and that I need to go to *retches* CONVERSION THERAPY
-I seek support in people who AREN'T my family.
-I sometimes break when I'm at my comfort places, saying that I refuse to go home
-I isolate myself a ton on the time because of how uncomfortable life at home is. Yet, I love being around friends + comfort people
-I often form parasocial relationships with people I don't know/wish to know, specifically parental ones
-I can't connect with my family. They don't show interest in my true passions so I don't share a lot with them.
-I'm huge with self blaming.
Theres for sure other things but I cant think rn and im tired
