#high-effort shitpost

[ore-nanimonai]

I am likely to find that your father likes guys

Because he is gay and so are you

You like guys too

Homofather

[auth-z-bypass]

I spent way too much effort on this stupid joke

[proteinmasternate]

Join the Sharty! Many friends await you!

[floofidumpii]

so i soloq'd unrated yesterday

[exit-path]

MCC should add this to Ace Race next time

[whumpster-fire]

I just had the sickest fucking idea.

So, I’ve heard that Velociraptor was actually not particularly fast by dinosaur standards - I’ve seen estimates of 25 mph and 40 mph, but I can’t find a single article claiming 40 that’s either an actual study or cited an actual study and also that’s fucking ostrich speed so I’m doubting it.

But

How fast could a Velociraptor go on roller skates?

And I don’t mean “break the poor animal’s feet by shoving them into roller skates designed for humans,” I mean things that are actually shaped for its feet and strap securely into place, and better yet the wheels (probably two in-line wheels per foot?) can be extended and retracted by flexing the sickle claw and have some kind of mechanism that locks them in place when they’re extended because otherwise ouch. So it could run around and climb normally with them retracted, but then extend them and roll around.

Now imagine a video game where you run/skate around as a raptor in those skates. And a helmet and ankle pads and wrist/elbow pads if they could not get in the way of the arm feathers too much (kneepads aren’t that functional on a velo because they’d be rubbing against its torso in a lot of positions and the knee doesn’t stick out much lower than the end of the pubic bone. The pubic bone would realistically be a really important thing to put a safety pad on for a dinosaur trying to do something like a rail slide, but it would probably look really, really stupid), all in really bright, garish patterns. And you run/jump/skate/parkour around doing really badass tricks.

And this could be just a racing/parkour simulator and go full Splatoon aesthetics except with a realistically proportioned/feathered character... but I’ve got an even better idea. Ahem...

In A World ravaged by genetically engineered weaponized prehistoric animals, an unlikely hero must survive and... do something important.

This Summer:

Rollerblade Raptor

Rated M for Mature (yes I’m serious)

Make it a third-person shooter.

And I don’t mean like Splatoon where it’s superficially bright and cheery but there’s a dark storyline. I mean like... most of the game is ostensibly a fairly dark, gritty game of urban warfare and infiltration missions. Kinda like Primal Carnage if the dinosaurs had guns. Because the dinosaurs have guns. And night vision goggles and other cool stuff, but like... I’m talking a T. rex that has a pair of miniguns strapped to its tiny but very strong arms. And other dinosaurs like stegosaurs and ankylosaurs using melee weapons, and sauropods that have a squad of soldiers riding on their back with big machine guns / autocannons Oliphaunt-style. Therizinosaurs with their claws replaced with ridiculously sharp metal blades.

So, like, an inherently cheesy and ridiculous premise, but in an “R-rated action movie that doesn’t take itself too seriously” way.

But then YOU are a fucking velociraptor on roller skates, in a ridiculous outfit, with a pistol. Because the raptor also has a gun. But it’s like a crappy small-caliber pistol because what else can a velociraptor physically hold. You have a gun, but it has goddawful effective range and stopping power especially against dinosaurs with thick hides, which means you have to get in close and jump around and do Shadow of the Colossus shenanigans climbing and jumping off of much larger enemies to get to their vital areas. Your primary advantage is the fact that you are small, fast, and really, really annoying.

Like, imagine taking a gritty, R-rated action movie and then replacing the protagonist with Sonic the Hedgehog in terms of aesthetic and personality. That’s what I’m going for here.

God I want this to be real so fucking badly now.

[bobcat-pie]

Medusa is not a real gorgon. She was turned into one by Athena, but was born a human. Therefore, she is a mutate, not a mutant. That’s like if you called divinely-influenced giant pomeranians “lions.” Those are still dogs, you just tossed them into a bowl of water like one of those expanding dinosaur sponges.

Unless.. nobody is born a gorgon. What if gorgon is like a profession? The wings, snakes, and talons are just physical occurrences that form when one enters a gorgon state of being, like getting bigger muscles or carpal tunnel with working on a job. It just happens because of what you do- even if what you do is experience godly hatred all day and fight stupid heroes. 

[bobcat-pie]

Jeanu Reeves