Chapter 16 - Doubtsies
In this here chapter, Katherine and David have their doubts about Sarah. Meanwhile, Crutchie decides he doesn’t want to be alone, and Jojo has an epiphany.
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Katherine was still pissed off about the vandalism on the little theatre. Every issue of the school paper she made sure to mention that it was still remembered. She wasn’t as obsessed about it as Jack. She hadn’t tried to help him find out who had done it. She was of the belief that the culprit would eventually try something else and get caught, or if they didn’t, karma would get to them. Her mentions in the paper were meant to guilt trip them.
Besides that, she’d been pressuring her father to look more into it. She kept using his Principal of the Year award against him, telling him that a real principal of the year wouldn’t let this just happen and not do anything about it. He kept telling her he couldn’t do anything about it unless he put a security camera by the little theatre and that would be unfair because it would be showing favoritism for that specific classroom. She continued insisting.
A week after the rally, Katherine was in her father’s office showing him that week’s paper, reading to him the specific part that reminded everyone about the vandalism. He rolled his eyes at her but nonetheless told her he was proud of her like he did every Friday morning before class. She was displeased with his dismissal of the issue, and even more displeased with herself because she was used to it. She left the office defeated, but smiled when she looked up.
Sarah had walked into the main office and looked surprised to see Katherine. However, it wasn’t a happy surprise. Sarah looked defeated as well. Something in Katherine’s brain alerted her that something was wrong. She walked up to the girl and asked, “Are you okay?”
Sarah tried to feign a smile. “Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. I just have to talk to your dad about something.”
“What is it? I could help you out. As his daughter, I’ve got leverage,” Katherine tried to joke. Sarah didn’t seem like she was in the mood.
“No, I’d prefer to do it alone.”
“Alright, well, I’m here if you need help.” She gave Sarah a kind smile and a small pat on the arm. She felt like she owed a lot to Sarah, though not for anything specific that she did. Just for the fact that she was there when no one else was. She didn’t know why she’d let the girl in. Maybe because she was a girl. After Jack, she hadn’t been able to trust any guy. Except Crutchie but he’d always been Team Jack.
Now, she had a friend and she was able to at least trust the guys that were on the paper with her. Well, mostly David. And that was just because he was Sarah’s brother. She’d only ever thought of Sarah as her friend, but now she was starting to think that she might just be her best friend, something Katherine had never really had just because of her extremely competitive nature. Having a best friend made her feel normal and that was a nice thing to have.
“Kath,” Sarah said as Katherine walked toward the exit. Katherine turned back at her curiously. “Don’t hate me.” Katherine could tell by the way she was looking at her, that Sarah wasn’t joking. Katherine’s danger alarm went off again, but she wasn’t able to inquire further. Sarah went into her father’s office.
Katherine was tempted to stand at the door and eavesdrop, but at that moment, Miss Hannah walked in. As much as she had a rapport with the secretary, she didn’t think the woman would let her stay to listen in. Instead, she went to get ready for her first class.
She knew Specs had his first period working in the office so she texted him, asking to keep her updated if anything happened. During class, she got a few texts from him. He told her the cops were called, but a few minutes later, Sarah’s parents arrived, demanding to have a talk with the principal. By the end of the period, Katherine knew for sure what the issue was.
She couldn’t believe it. It didn’t make sense. Sarah would have been the last person she suspected. She was in the LGBTQ+ Club so why would she vandalize it? Her twin brother was in a relationship with a boy. It just didn’t make sense. There had to be some other explanation. She had to get to the bottom of it.
As she headed to her next class, she caught a glimpse of Sarah and her parents leaving campus. The cops weren’t escorting her out so she hoped this was all some kind of misunderstanding.
Unfortunately, by lunch, it seemed that everyone knew what had happened. Sarah Jacobs had been the one to tag the little theatre door. And by the end of the day, she wasn’t the only one who had shown up at the Jacobs’ house. Jack was there with his bike, and Spot Conlon got there a minute later. David came out to tell them that Sarah wasn’t seeing anyone at the moment, but he looked angry. Katherine still didn’t know what to believe.
She opted to text Sarah instead. “I don’t hate you. I just want an explanation.” She got in her car and waited for a response. Katherine was lost. She had never in a million years expected this. Even if Sarah had done it, what had driven her to confess? Had it been her constant reminders in the articles she’d written? Just that morning she’d thought of Sarah as her best friend, but maybe she’d jumped the gun. Maybe she didn’t know as much about Sarah as she thought she did. Maybe Sarah was disturbed and there was a side of her no one had seen. She needed to talk to her. Katherine wouldn’t be able to relax until she did.
A few minutes of waiting and she got a text back. It said, “Sorry Katherine, Sarah’s phone has been confiscated. You can talk with her in a couple of weeks when she goes back to school. Mrs. Jacobs.” Katherine cursed herself but she knew there was nothing she could do now except wait.
For the next few days at school, she heard many rumors about Sarah and why she’d tagged the door. But she couldn’t believe any of them. Katherine decided she was going to give Sarah the benefit of the doubt. She knew there was more to the story. And even if it took the rest of the year, she was going to get to the bottom of it and she was going to make sure she cleared Sarah’s name.
A thought went through her mind. Before meeting Sarah, she would have started the process of getting over her new best friend. But she had just gotten over a boy thanks to her. She wasn’t going to let herself get over Sarah. She was too important. It was what Sarah would do for her.
David kept telling himself he was happy. Other than the graffiti, everything was good. Jack was his boyfriend; Crutchie was still his friend; hell, he had friends and quite a few of them. When he’d started at the school, he never would have thought that any of it was possible. He still didn’t.
There was always something in the back of David’s head that told him something was waiting for him around the corner. That if he let his guard down even a little, he would regret it. Because every time something good happened, it meant something equally bad was about to occur.
He couldn’t let himself be happy, even though he tried to fake it as much as he could. Every time Jack came up behind him and hugged him or gave him a kiss, he put on a smile. It wasn’t necessarily fake. He liked Jack. He enjoyed his hugs and kisses. He just didn’t expect them to last long. He was stressing himself out until whatever bad thing was going to happen happened.
David replayed conversations he’d had with people over in his head. Especially the conversations he’d had with Crutchie and Katherine. He couldn’t stop thinking about how Crutchie said that Jack eventually ruins relationships. And then he had to think about how Katherine had told him that Jack moves on quickly. Would that happen to him? Would Jack ruin the relationship? Would he go running towards the next cute boy or girl that he met?
He didn’t want to think like that. He trusted Jack. He’d proven that with all the exercises he’d done with him for the club. Crutchie seemed to notice there was something off and he told him to relax, but how was David supposed to listen to his current words while trying to not think of his past words? He felt like a disaster.
He could feel himself trying to distance himself from people again. It was his best defensive move. But he knew he shouldn’t. He knew that the last time he’d done that, it was cowardly. He knew if he’d kept everyone at bay, he wouldn’t be where he was now.
He had only been Jack’s boyfriend for a week before the news broke. He’d been in class when he’d seen people whispering and staring at him, but quickly looking away. He didn’t know what was happening until lunchtime when he met up with Jack and Crutchie. They explained it to him and he couldn’t believe it. It wasn’t possible.
Sarah had always been his best friend. Despite being fraternal, they always liked to pretend they were identical, until it wasn’t fun for her anymore because she knew she was different. This only brought them closer together. They were each other’s confidants. He was the first one she told that she was a she. She was the first one he told that he liked a boy in their class.
He thought it would always be like that. But once their parents knew, some things changed. The first time David ever felt lonely was when Sarah went to her new school in the city. It was when he realized he had no friends of his own. Everyone they were friends with were actually Sarah’s friends. She was the brave one. She was the leader. He was just a follower.
When Sarah was back at his school, he was relieved. He could have some kind of social life again. Except, this time Sarah was a pariah. She made a few new friends but David could tell she wasn’t happy. And if she wasn’t happy, neither was he. He tried to make her as comfortable as possible but he didn’t know how.
Then they moved and she seemed excited. He was happy for her despite hating the situation. Because if they had to move, at least it would benefit her. At least someone would be happy. And now they were both happy. Or so he thought.
He couldn’t figure it out. Sarah was rebellious but she never acted out in a bad way. And he knew that she’d been called that F word before, so it didn’t make sense to him that it was Sarah that had done it. He called her on the phone but their mom picked up. “What’s going on?”
Mrs. Jacobs told him the basics of what had happened. Sarah had confessed to the vandalism and they had spoken to the principal and convinced him not to press charges and only suspend her for a couple of weeks. David asked his mom if she could take him out of school early for that day. He told her people were staring at him and talking. She sighed but agreed.
At home, his parents asked him to see if he could talk to Sarah. She was in her room and they had tried talking to her but she wasn’t cooperating. They looked angry, but more than that, they looked concerned for their daughter. David knew exactly how they felt because he felt it too.
“Sarah?” he asked, tapping lightly at her door. There was no answer. He tried again. “I just want to talk. I want to understand. We’re all worried. We still love you.”
At that, he heard some stirring inside and the door opened. He heard Sarah walking back to her bed and he took the opportunity to walk inside. He closed the door, knowing she probably wouldn’t want their parents to hear their conversation.
“Sarah?” he said, staring at her. She looked just as angry as everyone else, but there was a bit of sadness in her eyes. Like she wanted to scream or cry. She was keeping something in. “Did you hear what I said?”
“Of course you still love me,” she answered. “I didn’t think you’d stop loving me just because I did something stupid.”
David felt like she was brushing it off as if it were nothing. “Something stupid like confessing to something you didn’t do? You didn’t do it, right?”
“Why else would I confess, David?”
“I don’t know. You wanted the search to be over. Or someone put you up to it?”
“No one put me up to it. I confessed because I did it and I felt bad.”
She wasn’t looking him in the eye, which told him she was lying. As if she knew what he was thinking, she turned to him directly.
“I wrote the word. I went to school on the weekend and I spray painted it.”
But it didn’t make sense to David. If no one put her up to it, then she must have been taking the blame for someone else. Someone she had strong feelings for. “It was Spot Conlon, wasn’t it? He did it. And you’re taking the blame for him because...because you love him.”
She glared at him but then laughed at him as if he were stupid. “You’ve never liked Spot. Of course you’d suspect him. But you don’t even know him. He probably would have taken the blame for me if he’d known I’d done it. But it was all me, Dave. By myself with no help.”
He still didn’t believe her. “Why, then? Why’d you do it?”
She looked down, angry again. “You wouldn’t get it. You...Your life is perfect.”
“What? Since when? I’m far from perfect. I’m not even...normal.”
“Normal.” She laughed at that. “You think that just ‘cause you happen to like boys that you’re not normal? Try living in a body that you hate. Try living inside a mind that you hate. Try living the most perfect life you could think of while knowing that no matter how hard you try, you’ll never truly achieve perfection.”
“Sarah, nobody’s perfect.”
“And don’t I know it. My boyfriend is the captain of the school’s most popular sports team. Boys want to have me. Girls want to be me. But they don’t know. And if they knew…”
“If they knew, they’d accept it. Or if they didn’t, then to hell with them. We don’t need them. We just need each other. That’s all we needed when we were kids. That’s all I ever needed.”
Sarah shook her head. “You’ve just been too scared to try new things. Make new friends. But look at you now. Not just one best friend, but two. One of who is your boyfriend. You don’t need me. No one needs me.”
“Sarah, you’re scaring me.”
“Good.” She got up and went to her desk. She opened the middle drawer and took out a can of spray paint, bouncing it in her hand for a few seconds. “I felt like shit. I can’t be open like everyone else in that damn club. I just can’t, David. I felt like shit and I wanted everyone to feel that way too. I wanted them to feel what I felt. It was impulsive. It was stupid. And I regretted it as soon as Monday morning came along.”
She threw the can at David and he caught it. Was he holding evidence? He didn’t feel well. His stomach ached. He hadn’t believed she could have done it, but her words were convincing him.
“I knew I had to do something so that I didn’t get in trouble. I hid a couple of spray cans in the most obvious place.”
“Sarah, stop.” He didn’t want to hear it.
“The locker of an art student.”
“Stop it, I mean it.”
“I’d seen him open his locker a few times. I knew the combination.”
“Please…”
“I put the spray cans in Jack’s locker. I figured he’d get away with it because he was an art student. And I was right, wasn’t I?”
“Sarah, you’re...a bitch. You’re a fucking bitch.”
They both stared at each other for a few seconds. Both of them had watery eyes. And they both looked surprised at David’s words. He’d never called her that. At least not in the serious way he just had.
“You’re right,” she said.
“He could have been suspended.”
“I know.”
“He could have been expelled.”
She nodded, slow tears falling down her face.
“Katherine’s father is the principal. He could have been hard on Jack just because he’d broken Katherine’s heart. It could have been bad. Really bad. And all you have to say for yourself is that you were right? You...ugh!”
“I’m sorry…”
“I don’t care. I thought...I thought it was all a misunderstanding. I thought maybe you hadn’t graffitied the little theatre. Even hearing you admit why you did it, I thought that maybe I could forgive you. That getting suspended was punishment enough. I…”
Sarah looked at him like a sad little puppy. But David saw right through it. It was like all the stress he’d been putting on himself was now lifting off of him. Because now he had someone to take it out on. Now he had someone to blame. Now, he didn’t have to worry about anything bad happening, because the worst thing that could happen had happened.
“I still love you, Sarah. But I don’t like you. I really don’t like you. I don’t know you. I don’t know who you are or how you became like this. I can’t...I can’t be friends with you. I can’t be around you. I’m done.”
He dropped the spray can on the floor and marched out of the room without looking back, heading straight for his own room. He was pissed, but he was relieved. He felt the worst was over. But deep down, he knew that if he couldn’t trust Sarah, he didn’t know who he could trust.
David put his earphones in and listened to music, trying to drown out the sound of Sarah crying in her room. He couldn’t feel sorry for her. She made her bed.
The next club meeting was awkward to say the least. No one knew what to say. When Miss Medda tried to suggest a trust exercise, Jack told her it was probably best to just go into the meeting right away. At that, she asked to see him in the costume room and told the rest of the members to talk amongst themselves.
Crutchie was sitting next to David, though they were both silent. David looked angrier than he’d ever looked before and something told Crutchie it wouldn’t be wise to ask him what was wrong. He figured it had to do with his sister. It was funny, after finding out it was her, Crutchie wasn’t as upset. She’d confessed so he figured she at least felt bad. It was a shitty thing to do but it happened and now there was nothing left to do but move on.
Romeo apparently saw that he and David were in need of some company so he went over to them, sitting down directly on Crutchie’s desk.
“What’s up, Romeo?”
“Nothing. Just getting a good view.” He looked Crutchie up and down and winked at him.
Crutchie didn’t know what to think except that Romeo wanted something. “Don’t you and Specs have a thing going on?”
“Is he watching?” Crutchie looked behind Romeo and saw that Specs was watching them discreetly. He nodded. “Good. I hope he’s getting jealous.”
“What’s going on, Romeo?”
The younger boy sighed, but then ran his hand down Crutchie’s arm. “So, I really like Specs and I know he likes me. And I just want him to ask me to be his boyfriend. I mean, after Jack and Davey did it all romantically in public like that, I...I want that. I just want him to ask me. But he says it’s a bad idea.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m a freshman and he’s a junior. Like that’s stopped him from putting his tongue down my throat.” He giggled with slight exaggeration, though Crutchie knew that was for Specs’ benefit. “And also he says I flirt with everyone too much. But I can’t help that I’m just very charismatic. He’s told me I’m not the only one he’s seeing, but I don’t believe him. I think he’s just trying to make excuses. So now I’m flirting with you to make him jealous.”
“But you don’t want me.”
“Crutchie, you’re cute. And I would in a heartbeat. But...right now my heart belongs to Specs, whether he wants it or not. I just wish he would take it. Asshole.”
“Maybe he’s just scared that you’ll find someone better. Or that you’ll break up when he graduates.”
“Who cares? I want him right now and that’s all that should matter. I’m not asking for marriage. Just a boyfriend. Someone to be with for now.”
Just then, Medda and Jack returned. “I’m sure you’ll work it out, Romeo.”
“I’ll just tell him he can’t kiss me anymore until I get what I want,” Romeo said as he jumped off the desk. “Thanks, Crutchie.” He gave the boy a kiss on the cheek and then went back to his desk.
Miss Medda announced that for that day there would be no trust exercise since they had limited time, but they would keep doing them in future meetings.
Crutchie couldn’t pay attention to the meeting. He was too busy thinking about what Romeo had said. Crutchie loved Jack, but he knew it could never happen if he didn’t want to lose him. He’d been thinking about that a lot ever since Jack and David became an official couple. Whether the two lasted, Crutchie had to find a way to get over Jack. Even if it was only temporarily.
He looked over at Jojo, wondering what it would be like if he gave him a chance. He knew they’d make the cutest couple. At least everyone would think so. Would he be happy? Probably not. But he’d have someone and that was better than not having anyone. It was certainly better than being the third wheel. Jojo wasn’t ugly, and his parties were awesome which probably meant he was somewhat fun. And it wouldn’t have to be forever. They’d probably go their separate ways for college. Or maybe he’d end up falling for him, which would benefit both of them. Crutchie spent the rest of the meeting trying to justify what he would do next.
“Hey, Jojo.”
Jojo turned to see Crutchie hobbling behind him. “Oh, hey, what’s up?” He let Crutchie catch up and they continued walking.
“I was wondering if you’d like to...go out with me?”
Jojo’s eyebrow furrowed as he looked at Crutchie. “You mean, like as friends?”
“Or like...on a date.”
Jojo stopped, wondering if Crutchie had lost some kind of bet to Race. “I thought you didn’t like me.”
“I changed my mind.”
“Why?” It wasn’t like Jojo hadn’t daydreamed about it happening. It was just that he’d spent the last few months settling on the fact that it never would. He’d been drilling into his brain that Crutchie didn’t like him as more than a friend and that he would never even see him that way, so it was best to move on. But now Crutchie was proving that not to be the case.
Crutchie shrugged. “I just did. I like you, Jojo. So...date?”
Jojo was still suspicious, but he wanted to give the other boy the benefit of the doubt. It wouldn’t hurt to go on one date with him. Maybe he’d find that Crutchie really did like him and they’d get together. He knew they’d be a really cute couple. “How’s Friday night? At The Bowery?”
“Sounds great to me. I’ll meet you there.”
Friday night came and Jojo was nervous. He’d realized that this was actually happening. He had a date with Crutchie Morris, which is something he had hoped for practically since he’d met him. Well, since he’d learned that Crutchie and Jack weren’t a couple and Crutchie was single.
As he Ubered to the bar, Jojo thought back to when he’d first met Crutchie and Jack. Everyone had thought they were a couple until Race hooked up with Jack. Crutchie had showed slight interest in Jojo then, but backed off as soon as Jack and Race were over. Then, when Jack was with Katherine, Crutchie had been friendlier to him again, even going as far as to plan one of his house parties together. And now...Now, Jack was with David and things were starting to make sense to Jojo.
At the bar, Crutchie was already there, ready with a drink for himself and Jojo. “Hey there, handsome,” he said, giving Jojo a kiss on the cheek.
“Hey…” Jojo wanted to say something. To yell at him and make a scene in front of everyone. But he knew that wouldn’t solve anything and it would get him kicked out. He decided the best option would be to play Crutchie’s game. This was a date, so he might as well enjoy it.
They talked as they had their drinks. They tried to find if they had anything in common. Jojo was into Parks and Rec, while Crutchie was more of an Office man. Jojo had a passion for tabletop games, but Crutchie liked video games better. They both knew they needed to stop when Jojo admitted he liked Phantom Menace and Crutchie said his favorite Batman movie was Batman & Robin.
Jojo suggested some dancing, which they did. They had a bit of a laugh as they watched each other be dorks. Jojo had never really seen Crutchie dance, and despite the disability, he turned it out as best as he could and with great balance. They were starting to have some fun, or maybe it was the drinks talking. They proceeded to have a few more.
During one song, Crutchie started twerking on Jojo. It was funny to him at first, but after a while, Crutchie was committing to the bit and really pushing his ass against Jojo’s crotch. Jojo nervously laughed harder, knowing that if Crutchie didn’t stop, he would get hard. He wasn’t ready for that kind of humiliation, but he didn’t want to ruin the fun they were having.
Then something in the back of Jojo’s head asked him if they were really having fun. He’d almost forgotten about his epiphany. He’d almost forgotten that this wasn’t real. That Crutchie was just playing with him because Jack was involved with someone else. He’d almost forgotten he was supposed to be playing along.
“Hey, Crutchie! Do you uh...wanna take this back to my place?”
Crutchie turned around, using his crutch for balance and smiled. He took Jojo’s hand and led him outside. They waited for an Uber and as soon as they were in the back of the car, Crutchie kissed him. It was a bit sloppy, but he was eager. Jojo didn’t have time to react, but he just went with it, even pulling Crutchie closer to him.
They got to Jojo’s house and immediately Crutchie began pulling Jojo’s shirt off. “Bedroom, now,” he commanded.
“Bedroom’s upstairs,” Jojo replied and he could see Crutchie mentally debating whether he needed to be climbing stairs. “How about the living room? I can get us a blanket.”
Crutchie nodded. “Bring a condom too. A few of them.”