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Christmas is the most wonderful time of year.

Molly had always believed that, always. As a child the thrill, like with all children, had come from what might be waiting under the tree on Christmas morning, leaving a mince pie and a carrot on the doorstep Christmas Eve, stuffing herself silly with chocolate and sweets without stern words from her parents. Of course by the age of twenty, Molly had discovered the joy of selecting the perfect gift, perfectly hung fairy lights and a glass of eggnog by the fire with her family.

This year was no different, and Molly was relieved. There had been a small, and seemingly insignificant part of her that had worried Christmas at home would have been ruined. Home was her’s and Ryan’s place, it was the place they existed together, started together. At home they were Molly and Ryan, Molly hadn’t been just Molly at home for four years and there’d been a sickening anticipation in the bottom of her stomach at how home might feel now that wasn’t the case.

As so often seemed to be the case though, the worst case scenario in Molly’s head wasn’t anywhere near the reality. Within seconds of stepping inside her parents house she felt the familiar warmth and cosiness that she associated with Christmas time in her family home. The garland hung from the bannister the way it always did, glittering with golden fairy lights, the large tree, fetched from the small local garden centre, was in the corner of the room, decorated perfectly, and mistletoe hung over her head as she lugged her bags back over the threshold. Nothing had really changed.

Something inside Molly had shifted, and maybe she was a different person for having ended a long term relationship, but she was struggling to see that as a bad thing when she felt so normal, so easily. The build up in her head had been far worse than the reality, and whatever small part of her had been feeding on the doubts she was having about being in her hometown without Ryan, was brushed away with the scent of homemade mince pies. The conversation about what had happened with Ryan was over and done with her parents within ten minutes. Strengthening words of having to do what was best for her, and following her heart, made her feel warmer. The slight look of disappointment on her mother’s face ignored.

Of course her sister needed all the details. Jeanie had crawled in beside Molly in her double bed, the pink bedspread smothering them both as Love Actually played in the background. If it hadn’t come up, Molly hadn’t been planning on telling her sister that Harry had driven to Bath to take her home, but Jeanie could see straight through Molly, and there was no way she was buying that Ryan had taken it well. Jeanie had clutched at her heart, and softened like a puppy when Molly had told her about what Harry had done for her. Molly couldn’t really believe it either when she heard it explained out loud for the first time, if the roles had been reversed she’d have probably been welling up to. Because her sister would have found someone willing to do all that for her at the drop of a hat.

In fact Molly could remember having the exact same reaction when Jeanie had told her how Matt had decided to move all the way from New Zealand to be with her. Of course there was no comparison. Apart from anything, Matt and Jeanie were head over heels in love with one another and couldn’t be more made for one another if they tried. Harry was a friend, and even though driving to Bath was more than Molly could have asked, moving across the world held a slightly different gravity.

It felt nice to tell someone about Harry though, and Molly was so glad her and Jeanie were so close, and more like best friends. Especially when Jeanie so easily understood that Molly and Harry really were just very good friends. There was the tickle of acknowledgement that if Molly had dared to tell Jeanie how Harry gave her butterflies, and made her skin tingle when he touched her, and how she went soft at the knees when their eyes caught one another, she wouldn’t have been quite so easily convinced. Molly was struggling herself.

It played on her mind how she hard she was finding it to stop thinking about him, which in turn only made the not thinking about him thing more difficult. Even as she sat in her chair, near the fire, with a nearly empty glass of Baileys on ice in her hand and the sound of her mother’s favourite Christmas Carols CD playing, Molly was thinking about Harry. Wondering what he was doing, wondering if he’d like it where she was, by the fire, with a glass of whiskey to match her father’s, Mosby curled up by his feet, because she was sure their pet Retriever would love Harry. Wondering if she could skip the pub trip and give him a call.

Wondering when was it not too soon to admit how she couldn’t stop herself from feeling for him when she’d just called it a day on a four year relationship. Even if just to herself.

“Well Thomsons, are we all ready for the pub?” Molly was pulled from her daydream as her dad clapped loudly, jumping from his chair, and rubbing his hands together with excitement. There was a bottle of premium brand whiskey waiting for him at the local pub, along with at least three good friends to share it with. It was possibly Terry Thomson’s favourite Christmas tradition, and his girls just rolled their eyes and followed suit, the way they’d done since they were old enough to be able to walk to the pub.

“Yes let me just grab my coat.” Molly said, placing her now empty glass on the table beside her and hopping up too.

“Oh Cece, can you get my red one out the wardrobe?” Jeanie asked as Molly passed her seat, tapping away on her phone, presumably to Matt currently stuck in traffic coming from London. Obviously. Molly couldn’t quite believe that they had decided travelling on Christmas Eve was a good idea. Now the rest of the family were suffering for their poor planning. Jeanie was yet to say more than two sharp words to anyone, or manage to lift a smile.

“Why, so all the kids think you’re Mrs Claus?” Molly jested sarcastically taking the first step up the stairs, but looking back to catch Jeanie’s response. There hardly was one, her sister’s face still deadpan as she tapped away. Molly’s face fell, before the remark shot out of Jeanie’s mouth.

“Well you can be rudolph with that spot on your nose.” Jeanie snarked. Molly gasped covering her nose quickly with her hand. She knew it was there. It didn’t take long for her mother to let her know that morning when Molly had come down for breakfast, and ever since Molly had been doing her utmost to get rid of it. Clearly nothing had worked.

“Girls.” Their mother snapped. The look on Penny Thomsons face was displeased to say the least as she flicked her eyes from daughter to daughter, the age difference more and more indistinguishable as they got older. “It’s Christmas Eve, Cecelia, go and get your sisters coat please.” Molly grumbled something incomprehensible as she stomped up the stairs. The name didn’t grate on her when it was her family using it, she’d never convince them to call her Molly and besides, she thought it might be weird if they did now. The look her mother fired at her, one of ‘stop winding your sister up or else’ did grate though.

Once Molly was coated, and concealed, lest anyone else notice the growth on the end of her nose, she hotfooted back down the stairs to join her family. Much to Molly’s annoyance her sister was now dressed in Molly’s dark, long line coat, the one she’d saved long and hard for. Molly went to say something, refuse to let her out of the house in it, but before a single sound could pass by her hanging mouth her mother just raised her eyebrows and tilted her head slightly. Molly knew to pick her battles, and Christmas Eve, against her mother, was not a safe enough bet to chance it. Instead Molly just flared her nostrils, smiled sarcastically at her sister as she viciously placed the red coat over the bannister, and made sure she was first out of the house with her father.

It often happened that it was Molly and Terry and Penny and Jeanie paired up. It kept bickering sisters at bay easier, and Molly always found her father much easier to stomach when her mother was in a ‘Jeanie can do no wrong’ sort of mood. It switched, there wasn’t a clear favourite like there often is, and Molly could be on top at any minute. But to save Christmas Eve ending in snide words across a glass of wine, Molly decided to just walk beside her father.

They travelled in virtual silence. The pub was only a two minute walk, if that, and the sound of Christmas Eve mass was ringing from the church. Home never felt so much like home as it did at Christmas. Molly loved growing up in her village, but it came to life at Christmas, it felt like it was there to be lived in at Christmas. It was made for huge decorated trees, chestnuts roasting in the village square, and Christmas markets.

As with every Christmas Eve, the pub was incredibly busy. It was like everyone was out, and they probably were. It was toasty inside, warm from bodies and the fires lit at either end of the large room. Molly was glad all she had on under her thick wool coat was a silky cami and a pair of jeans. The roll neck jumper she’d ummed and ahhed about would have definitely been too hot to stomach. Through the crowds Molly could see friends she hadn’t seen since the last break from university. She had to admit though that her stomach lifted, along with the apprehensive look on her face, when she realised neither Ryan nor any of his school friends were in sight.

“Molly.” The voice was recognisable as ever. It seemed no matter how long Molly and Suki Langford went without talking, they fell straight back into childhood best friends like it was the only thing they knew how to do. With her glass of white wine in hand, Molly turned to Suki with a smile on her face.

“Hey Sooks, how are you? Merry Christmas? How’s uni?” Molly rambled off the list of usual suspects, questions that were common place now they didn’t practically live in one anothers bedrooms. They give each other a quick hug before moving away from the bar to let others into the spaces they left behind as Suki began to talk.

“Oh you know, law, stressful, never ending, same old, same old, you?” Suki smiled, waving her hand through the air as if shewing the conversation away. Suki had always been bright and intelligent, with her bright blonde hair, and even brighter blue eyes it was almost like she’d walked straight off the set of Legally Blonde when she announced she was going to go to Oxford to study law. If Molly hadn’t known Suki as well as she did she’d have fallen of her chair, but it made so much sense. What Molly lacked in academic intuition Suki more than made up for, and vice versa with artistic license. They were a double act that fitted together like Laurel and Hardy, and no one could deny it. Even when they were running on a phone call a month if they could fit it in and only seeing each other in the holidays, nothing changed.

“Yeah not bad.” Molly shrugged, looking as light as she felt as she took another sip of her wine.

“I heard you and Ry split up?” Suki almost asked, wincing a little as she did so. Suki had been there through it all, Ryan’s incessant texting to try and get Molly to go to prom with him, the internal battle Molly had faced over saying yes or no, and virtually every up, and even every down of the four year rigmarole that had followed after she finally said yes. Much against Suki’s advice that had consisted mostly of ‘do people ever change?’ Turns out the answer is mostly no.

“Heard?” Molly sort of laughed, one eyebrow cocking as Suki shrugged and took a sip of the bubbly pink liquid from the crystal champagne flute wrapped up in her perfectly manicured fingers. “From who?” Molly asked.

“Ryan.” Molly rolled her eyes, because of course he’d told her best friend before she’d had a chance to get to her. It didn’t seem like Suki was too bothered, and she wasn’t looking for any sort of explanation. It didn’t stop Molly feeling guilty though, and she wished she’d been brave enough to at least send a text even if she couldn’t manage a call. No one at home had been told though, apart from her family. None of her friends from school knew, or at least she thought they didn’t, but as she glanced around the pub Molly wondered how many of the people she’d shared school corridors and classrooms with knew about the end of her relationship. Perhaps telling people as and when she wanted was a right she’d given up by being the one to call it a day. Just another thing she didn’t know, no one had told her, no one had prepared her for.

“Oh right, yeah, few weeks ago now.” Molly shrugged.

“How you doing?” Suki asked, mouth down turning at the corners and her head tipping to one shoulder a little.

“Yeah I’m fine, it was my decision.” Molly explained with a weak smile. Apparently that was all Suki needed, the light in her eyes flicking on and a playfulness making itself known that Molly knew well. At the age of six it had come to light as they stole plumbs from the tree in Mrs Wilson’s front garden, at sixteen it was topping up an empty bottle with her dads vodka and skipping through the fields no idea what hell laid ahead of them.

“Cause of that cutie on insta.” At twenty it was toying with Molly that bought out that sparkle. Clearly. Molly just frowned at Suki like she had no idea what the blonde girl was talking about. “The one that tagged you in that photo on your birthday.” Molly shook her head and lifted her glass, hiding the things that gave her away. “Come on Mol, the fit one, opposites attract.”

“Oh, Harry, no he’s just a friend.” Molly smiled like it had only just clicked who Molly was talking about and what photo. As if the photo hadn’t been sent to her at her request so she could print it with all the others from the night.

“Ryan said-”

“Ryan’s talking shit, I ended it because I was fed up and wasn’t feeling it anymore, distance and not seeing each other, and being bailed on everytime you make arrangements with your boyfriend can do that.” Molly practically spat. Suki nodded but Molly could see on her face how taken back she was by Molly’s tone. It still grated on her how nasty Ryan had been since she’d ended things, when all she’d been was nice and understanding. It ran against how much she wanted to salvage some sort of friendship with him. Though the more time that passed, the more she heard about him, the more he ignored her replies, the more she thought there was nothing to salvage apart from civility. “There’s no one else.” Molly sighed looking down at her booted feet.

“Always was a prick.” Suki hissed with a sneer reaching out and rubbing Molly’s arm gently.

“Stupid me to think he’d change.” Molly shrugged wondering how she’d managed to convince herself he was so different when they were together when he clearly hadn’t changed at all.

“To be fair, it looked like he had for a bit.” Suki pointed out, and Molly nodded supposing that was semi true at least. Ryan did do a very good job of convincing everyone that he wasn’t the spoiled, vindictive, nasty boy he could be during his school years. “Oh well, things that don’t end the way you want you give you an experience.” Molly had to laugh, Suki completely serious in yet another attempt at some sort of idiom.

“Who on earth gave you that one?” Molly laughed and Suki shrugged.

“Read it somewhere once.” Suki told Molly who was still giggling at the turn of phrase. It did make some sort of sense somehow, and Molly guessed if there was a positive to have she’d learned a lot from her time with Ryan. How to be completely and honestly herself without compromise for anyone. How not to lower her frequency to meet someone on their level. How no one ever really changes, how they just get good at wearing disguises.

With just over half a glass of wine, Molly took up Suki's invitation to join her with the group of their school friends Suki had been talking to before Molly walked in. Most of them Molly hadn’t really seen since going off to university, but they all exchanged polite hugs and fell into routine conversations about how things had been going. At some point Suki slunk off into conversation with Jed Brooks, leaving Molly with Sophie and Hayden, two people she’d sort of known at school, but not enough to feel really included in the conversation about Sophie’s sisters recent accidental pregnancy.

Out of the corner of her eye, Molly caught a glimpse of Jeanie sitting at the bar, alone, still glued to her phone. She didn’t really need an excuse to walk away from the conversation she wasn’t really in anyway, but the empty glass in her hand served as a good one. The pub was crowded, it had only got busier through as the evening rolled into night, and Molly had to fight her way through to get to Jeanie. There was an empty bar stool next to her though and Molly hopped up onto it and asked Tim for another glass of wine before turning to her sister.

“You ok?” Molly asked, and Jeanie nodded, though didn’t look at Molly as she did so. “What’s going on Jean?”

“Nothing, just hoped Matt would have been here by now.” Jeanie lamented, mouth downturned finally locking her phone and looking at Molly. “Doesn’t look like he’ll be here much before midnight now.” Molly just sighed and gave Jeanie a sympathetic look reaching out to rub her back gently. Jeanie just shrugged, but Molly didn’t really notice it as eyes wandered off to the door opening yet again. Her heart sunk instantly at the sight of Ryan, followed by a small group of his friends. At first she’d hoped Ryan would never turn up, and as the hours rolled on, she thought her wishes had been answered. Of course they hadn’t, and of course Ryan bowled into the pub laughing loudly and boisterously enough for nearly every head to turn his way. Just another reminder that Molly had been completely fooled into think Ryan had actually changed from the arrogant school boy she’d been sat next to in GCSE History.

“What’s up?” Jeanie asked as Molly’s eyes followed Ryan through the pub, though he never so much as glanced her way, he didn’t even seem to realise Molly was there, though he must have known she would be. It was a family tradition to drink in The Barn on Christmas Eve, Ryan knew that, he’d joined them for the last three Christmases.

“He’s been telling people I ended it because there was someone else.” Molly grumbled, slowly drawing her eyes off Ryan back to the bar and the refreshed glass of wine that had been placed down in front of her, the cost added to the tab her father undoubtedly would have set up at the beginning of the night.

“He is such a jerk.” Jeanie sneered, looking past Molly to where Ryan and his friends were stood at the bar. Each one Molly knew and had learned to tolerate, though now their RP accents, and deep chuckles wound her up as much as they had in classrooms.

“Try telling mum that.” Molly huffed.

“She’s really not as upset as you seem to think.” Jeanie assured. Though Molly couldn’t find it in her to believe that. It had always seemed like Ryan could do no wrong when it came to Penny. If they’d argued, she took Ryan’s side, if Molly was making an unfavourable decision she’d want to know Ryan’s view, and Molly didn’t miss the slightest glimmer of disappointment in her mother’s voice when she told them she’d ended things with Ryan. She’d ignored it, because it didn’t matter. Her father told her it was her choice, and she had to do what was best for her and her happiness. Her mother tried, Molly could give her that, to be as supportive, but Molly just didn’t buy into it as much. “She’s not, she was just always looking on the bright side, trust me she used to bitch about him behind your back something rotten.” Jeanie went on at the despondent look on Molly’s face.

“Really?” Molly quizzed in disbelief, because if that was true where did the disappointment come from.

“Yeah we all did.” Jeanie announced like it was obvious, like she couldn’t believe Molly didn’t know. “Cece the boy is obnoxious and big headed.” Jeanie pointed out, to which Molly shook her head, looking away from her sister and taking a sip of her wine.

“Yet you let me carry on with him for four years.” Molly pointed out dully.

“You loved him, we’d get over most issues if you love someone.” Jeanie tutted, shaking her head a little and taking a small sip from what Molly was assuming was a spirit and coke based on the colour. Out of character for Jeanie who’s normal poison was an expensive red wine, but perhaps the stress she was feeling needed a little more than fermented grapes to ease it.

“I just can’t believe he’d tell people there was someone else, he’s making me look like a complete dick.” Molly fumed quietly, glancing over her shoulder. Ryan was still at the bar but they all had pint glasses in their hands now, and didn’t show signs of moving for other people waiting in line to get served.

“Nah, just himself.” Jeanie promised. “People who know you won’t believe that for a second.”

“Guarantee every single one of them does.” Molly grumbled nodding at the gaggle of boys Ryan was encircled with.

“You really care what Miles, and Josh and whatever that prize with blonde hair is called, think?” Jeanie sneered, looking straight at them and clearly not caring if they saw the almost disgusted-esque look on her face as she did so. “They’re not worth your energy, and neither is Ryan if he’s going to be like that.” Jeanie finished reaching for Molly’s chin and turning her face away from her ex-boyfriend and the other boys.

“Yeah, you’re right.” Molly sighed.

“Of course I am, I’m the big sister.” Jeanie shrugged making Molly giggle. Molly took one last glance Ryan’s way, catching the back of his head as he wandered over to the table she’d been at earlier, the one surrounded by their school friends. She couldn’t help the sad feeling that rose in her, the one that made her fold her lips into one another as she turned back to Jeanie and picked up her glass again.

It got to her that he hadn’t thought to look for her when he walked in, or had seen her and ignored her. Neither was favourable, and neither leant themselves to Molly’s belief that he’d want to move forward as friends as much as she did. Yes that made her sad, and she wasn’t ashamed to admit that. She wasn’t ashamed she wanted more than just civility with someone she’d shared so much with over four years of her life, four important years of her life. Through that time, for all his flaws that maybe she’d ignored, or that maybe he’d concealed, it didn’t matter, Ryan was there. When she got her place at university, when she moved, when she had a breakdown on the third day of freshers when she thought she couldn’t do it. He meant a lot, and that didn’t go away because the romantic side of their relationship stopped working. They’d shared too much to throw it all in the bin, Molly couldn’t see how Ryan would be thinking any different. But perhaps he was, and she supposed she’d just have to learn to be ok with that, even if it wasn’t what she wanted, or what she had in her head and was struggling to let go of.

Jeanie and Molly sat in silence, both of them too absorbed by their minds to spark conversation that didn’t lead back to what they were thinking about anyway. The noise around them carried on as they sipped at their drinks and stared into space like two people who had been placed next to one another and had nothing in common. It didn’t stop Molly clocking Ryan getting closer though, hands dug deep into the pockets of the dark wash jeans he was wearing, ones she hadn’t seen before, and ones she knew were as new as the black t-shirt with embroidered rose on the chest he was also wearing.

“Hey Mol,” Ryan started once he was close enough. Molly just offered a kind smile, seemingly lost for words, even a simple Hello eluded her. “Can we talk?” He asked, admittedly seeming a little nervous.

“Sure.” Molly nodded, looking to Jeanie who slunk off the stool, giving it up for Ryan and slipped off towards the bathroom. Ryan took her place and turned to face the bar, Molly following suit and pulling her stool in closer.

“I just figured, considering it’s Christmas and all, maybe we should just try and put everything behind us.” Ryan explained quietly, though Molly didn’t know why. The pub was loud enough that no one could decipher any conversations apart from the one they were in. Words jumbled together in the air so the room was just a mess of sounds.

“Yeah that would be nice.” Molly smiled with a nod.

“I’m really sorry for how I spoke to you, that was unfair.” Ryan admitted, which Molly appreciated, especially when she knew, and could see on his face, how hard it was for him to admit he was in the wrong. “You were right, I knew things weren’t right between us, I just was sto stuck on it being me and you that I was refusing to admit it.”

“I was the same.” Molly told him, suddenly realising Ryan’s quiet tone wasn’t out of choice. It felt like her voice faded out for the conversations, playing into the sensitivity of it, like if they said the words too loudly they might just hurt one another all over again, before old wounds had even properly healed. “I’m sorry I kissed someone else.” Molly whispered, letting her eyes close for a second longer that was necessary for a blink, but still not quite believing she’d done it.

“Was it really not Harry?” Ryan asked, clearly not convinced by her insistence that it wasn’t him. Molly couldn’t help but wonder if it would be better if it had been. At least it wouldn’t have been a random, meaningless kiss that only seemed to serve the purpose of proving to her that she didn’t love Ryan anymore. At least not in the way she should have done. As if she’d needed to kiss Niall to prove that. As if the way she’d been more worried about what Harry thought than Ryan didn’t prove it. As if the butterflies she didn’t get for Ryan ever, that made themselves known at the sight of Harry’s name on her screen didn’t prove it. As if the fact she knew she was falling for Harry, head over heels, harder and faster everyday, but was too scared to own up to it, didn’t prove it.

“No, it was his mate, I was very, very drunk.” Molly insisted a little emphatically.

“His mate?” Ryan gawped. Molly didn’t say anything to answer it, she didn’t need to. “Molly that’s savage.”

“Alright, thanks.” Molly groaned regretfully. “How have you been though?” She asked, changing the subject quickly.

“Yeah, I’m okay.” Ryan nodded with half a smile, and Molly smiled back waiting for him to ask about her, though he never did. “I’m erm, you should know, I’m seeing someone else.” Ryan blurted quickly, swallowing hard on nothing as Molly’s eyes went wide.

“Sorry?” Molly spluttered. “Are you joking?” She laughed sarcastically not quite believing what she was hearing, and visibly taken back by it. “Is that why you’ve been telling everyone I ended it with you for someone else, makes you feel better?” She interrogated without apology. “Were you with her before we ended?” She asked finally, trying not to fume before she had an answer.

“No, no, no, definitely not, god no.” Ryan promised quickly and forcefully, reaching out but stopping himself as Molly recoiled from his hands. “We knew each other, mutual friends-”

“Wow.” Molly cut in, huffing and shaking her head, not sure how to take it in, but feeling a little duped. “So you went off at me about Harry, who is literally just a friend, who I am not even nearly seeing, and you’re now dating a girl you have ‘mutual friends’ with, after everything you put me through over Harry.” Yes there were feelings brewing, but Molly had no intentions of acting on them. She’d been so adamant they were just friends to everyone including Harry, that it seemed unfair to change her mind. If Harry had ever liked her in that way, he surely didn’t anymore after she’d insisted so vehemently they were good friends. If Harry had liked her in that way, he’d learned to put those feelings into being good friends, Molly would learn to do the same.

“Molly, it’s not like that.” Ryan sighed. “We were just passing acquaintances, I was cut up after you ended things so the footie lads suggested a big night, and she was there and we got to talking and it just sort of happened.” He explained calmly. “This was going to happen at some point Mol, we’re both going to move on.” Ryan told her.

“Yeah I thought it might take longer than a month is all.” Molly told him honestly. It played into everything for her. Even a couple of glasses of wine in Harry’s flat couldn’t bring her barriers down enough to allow her to do anything other than play with the idea of flirting. It was too soon, it could look like a rebound, it could look like she’d played Ryan, it could look like she was leading someone on. “I knew you’d fallen out of love with me, but I thought you still cared for my feelings and had some respect for me.”

“Molly don’t, of course I still care for you, I always will.” Ryan promised, not caring for how she pulled away anymore and reaching for her hand, holding it tight. “I have every right to find someone who makes me happy.”

“I know, of course you do.” Molly admitted, looking down at their hands and remembering how it had felt when he’d taken her hand as they’d walked up the red carpet to prom and she’d admitted she was nervous. How it had felt like all the support she needed. They weren’t even together properly then. They weren’t together now, but it didn’t feel like support. She didn’t know what it felt like, apart from that it didn’t feel right.

“You do too, and you will.” Molly ignored how condescending it sounded, deciding it wasn’t worth the hassle of pulling him up on it. Instead she just pulled her hand from out of his and lifted her eyes to look at him again, ready for the conversation to be over. “I just wanted to be the person to tell you.” Ryan sighed.

“Thank you.” Molly half smiled as something began to switch. It wasn’t that she suddenly didn’t want to find common ground for a friendship with Ryan, it was just that she’d lost the fight to find it. If it happened it happened, but she wasn’t sure she was willing to continue pushing so hard for it. Jumping to his texts, asking questions she never got answers to, trying to remember all the things they had in common. She’d spent the last year forcing herself to find the good in a failed romantic relationship, she didn’t have the energy to carry on forcing a friendship that might not even have the ground to take off.

“I mean it’s been like two dates, it might be nothing.” Ryan shrugged, appearing to try and backtrack.

“No, I hope it works for you, it was just a bit of a shock.” Molly told him honestly, because it was a shock, especially after how he’d reacted when she ended things. “Well have a good Christmas.” Molly finished with a sigh and a falsely bright smile, that if Ryan really knew her as well as he’d once professed to, he’d have seen straight through. Instead he just smiled back.

“Yeah you too, maybe see you before we go back to uni.” Ryan suggested standing from his stool.

“Yeah maybe.” Molly nodded knowing she wouldn’t. If she didn’t see him again until the same time the following year, she wasn’t entirely sure she’d mind. Ryan just turned away and stalked back off to where he’d come from. Molly deflated, not realising she’d pushed herself taller until she fell down a little, and scanned the room for Jeanie. She spotted her sat in a window seat with a girl Molly half recognised from school, a few years above, presumably Jeanie’s year. Molly got up off her own stool, finished the wine and headed for Jeanie and her friend.

“Jeanie, I’m gonna head home, feeling pretty tired.” Molly told her, not entirely lying.

“Ok, see you later.” Jeanie smiled, seeming cheerier than she had earlier. Perhaps talking with someone else had taken her mind off Matt’s absence. It gave Molly an idea.

Outside it was even colder than it had been a few hours earlier. There was frost in the air that could be promising snow, though Molly doubted. The light sea breeze that was whipping at her hair and biting the end of her nose, suggested it wouldn’t let flakes actually settle even if they fell. The large winter coat Molly had chosen from her cupboard kept her arms and body warm, though as she tapped away at the screen of her phone, her fingers felt like ice and they began to get numb. As soon as the phone was tucked under her hair, against her ear, ringing, she shoved her free hand into her pocket to get warm.

“Hello you.” Four rings and Harry’s voice rustled down the phone, sleepy and slow, rough around the edges. The line was slightly crackly and Molly didn’t doubt it was due to poor village signal on her end.

“Hey, where are you?” Molly asked lightly, quietly, just in case there was anyone in the village actually asleep.

“Nans.” Harry answered simply but with a little drag in his voice, almost a struggle, the sound of movement vibrating down the line.

“Oh say hi.”

“She’s gone to bed love, it’s nearly midnight.” Harry chuckled, and Molly quickly checked her watch in complete disbelief it was that late. But it was, eleven thirty seven to be exact. The seconds seemed to tick past quicker as they crept closer to Christmas Day. It always seemed to go so slowly as a child, the twenty four hours of Christmas Eve, but as Molly got older, the day only slipped by quicker in another blur of laughter and food and alcohol.

“Oh sorry, I’ll let you sleep.” Molly whispered as if that made a difference.

“No, it’s fine, I’m not going to sleep yet.” Harry told her, another shuffle echoing his voice.

“What you doing?” Molly asked dipping her head and watching her feet scuff along the pavement, as if trying to hide the smile gracing her face.

“Just watching a movie, you?”

“Just walking home from the pub.” Molly told him, glancing up, the gates of her family’s house in sight.

“Lolly.” There was a tinge of disappointment in Harry’s voice and the gruffness only intensified with it.

“Harry.” Molly replied, with the same tone, giving him a taste of his own medicine. Even with the sweet nickname that she’d begun to adore when it rolled of his tongue in that relaxed way it so often did, the almost warning in his voice hadn’t been missed, and it wasn’t exactly appreciated.

“You gotta stop doing this to me, you’re gonna send me into cardiac arrest, you on your own again?” Harry clucked, just like he had when she’d called on her way home from Alesandros nearly two months ago, as Molly crunched across the gravel driveway. The outlook to the lane behind her was dark, street lights had long since been extinguished for the night. The only glow was the porch light that had been left of before leaving the house that night. Even the moon and the stars were hiding behind a thick coat of clouds.

“Yes, but I am letting myself into the house now aaannnddd, I’m in, door closed, I’m safe.” Molly assured as she locked the front door behind her again and flicked on the hallway light. She scanned the parts of the house she could see. Somehow Harry’s fretting had put nerves in her that she wasn’t familiar with when she was safe inside the walls of that house. Moseby trotted out of the kitchen and she felt fine just as quickly as she hadn’t, her fingers finding the dogs long hair over it’s head and ruffling it gently as she headed for the kitchen.

“How long have you been walking?” Harry asked, and Molly could almost see that small crease between his eyebrows that he wore when something didn’t make sense.

“Like two minutes.” Molly shrugged at a guess, quickly filling a glass of water and taking it upstairs, Moseby following at her heels, and leaving her coat on. The house had a chill, the heating had clocked off for the night, she flicked it back on, but it would take a minute for the old pipes to shudder back to life and begin warming the house again.

“Oh, you live near the pub, then.”

“Harry everyone lives near the pub, it’s a village, it’s tiny.” Molly told him, not quite able to emphasise just how tiny it was with words alone. The thought of Harry visiting came to her yet again, and just like it had everytime it sent of a few little butterflies from the bottom of her tummy. The image in her head made sense. Harry looked at home in her home, as she’d felt in his. “So how was your Christmas Eve?” Molly asked quickly, before the image in her mind could convince her to ask anything more ludicrous.

“It’s been good.” Harry told her, the smile in his voice traceable through his words. “I went and saw L-my Nan, well obviously that’s why I’m here, stupid me.” Harry laughed, seemingly nervously. Molly chuckled along but more out of confusion than anything else, her brow furrowing as she did so and patted her bed for Moseby to hop up and warm the covers while she got changed into something more comfortable. Her parents were out so no one would have to know apart from her and the dog that wasn’t allowed on the beds.

“You been drinking?” Molly asked with a laugh in attempt to not offend Harry.

“Only a couple with the family.” Harry mused, Molly’s mind spinning through images of him sat in the large leather armchair she’d seen in Nancy’s living room, one of the crystal tumblers in his hand, sipping and laughing with his family through Christmas Eve as carols played in the background. “Why?”

“You’re being weird.” Molly told him with a slight smirk as she did so, sure Harry would see the funny side.

“Am I? Sorry.” Harry bleeted and Molly felt immediately guilty for pointing out how strangely he seemed to be acting over the phone.

“It’s ok, as long as everything’s ok?” Molly assured quickly, turning to sit on the edge of her bed in one swift movement.

“Yeah, yeah everything’s fine.” Harry promised just as quickly. It felt a little like they were both afraid of upsetting one another. It wasn’t quite eggshells, it didn’t feel that tense or stunted, but they were both definitely treading with caution as they maneuvered into new territory with bitten breath. “So you’re home now, wanna facetime?” Harry suggested, almost from nowhere, Molly freezing mid coat removal.

“Erm, sure ok, if you want.” Molly buzzed, her voice lifting a semi-tone with each word. There was no denying the idea thrilled her a little, there was something a little more intimate, and a little easier, about seeing Harry’s face as they spoke. It just threw her off track a little, but only because she’d assumed the conversation would be coming to an end soon. “Can I just get changed first then and I’ll call you back from my laptop?” Molly told him, her coat half shrugged off and her waist dying for something more elasticated than denim jeans.

“Ok sure, speak in a sec.” Harry finished, the smile in his voice again, the one Molly now couldn’t wait to see, before they ended the phone call.

It took Molly less than two minutes to shed her clothes and pull on some clean black joggers and a hoodie to match. It felt cosy, and even more so as she slipped her feet into a pair of red fluffy socks, patterned with snowflakes, perfect for the time of year. There wasn’t a lot of makeup left on her face, but she removed it with a cotton pad and some lotion nonetheless, rubbing a light layer of night cream over her skin and calling it a job done, her normal, five step routine forgotten as she grabbed her laptop from the dressing table and crawled onto her bed with it, pulling a blanket with her and calling Moseby closer.

Thanks to the wonders of ‘the cloud’ Harry’s number was stored on her laptop. Within moments, after checking her makeup free face, and unbrushed hair were adequate, her laptop was ringing out to Harry.

“Hey.” Molly’s heart fluttered as he grinned through the screen back to her. It was ridiculous how she was letting him affect her now. It was as if because she’d been pushing it down so hard, it was now coming up stronger. Like telling a child not to touch the biscuits, only to discover they’d eaten the whole jar half an hour later.

“Hey.” Molly smiled back. “Sorry I wanted to take my makeup off, I look a bit rough.” She excused motioning to her bare face.

“I was gonna say you look pretty actually.” Harry offered with a slightly dipped brow and straight mouth.

“Oh, thank you.” Molly blushed, dropping her eyes for a second. Harry just smiled at her coyness, whatever light he had on where he was flattering every one of his features. Even through the low quality webcam his eyes seemed to sparkle with the grin that dimpled his cheeks, one more heavily than the other. His hair was tied back away from his face, but Molly could see a few ringlets curling down his neck, probably tickling the soft skin she could see for the neckline of his hoodie that had been cut slightly to save his throat being rubbed by the fabric. There was no one Molly had felt so attracted to. Ryan looked good, she’d always thought he was attractive, but with Harry it was something other than just his glittery eyes, or pretty smile, or the way his hair fell or any of those things. There was something else about him that toppled her over an edge.

“So did you see Ryan?” Harry asked, drawing Molly’s eyes away from the tight, firm line, of his jaw.

“I did.” Molly told him quickly, clearing her throat and finding his eyes again. It was clear he was waiting for more, his plump bottom lip sticking forward a little. Molly cleared her throat again, though she didn’t need to, but her voice felt stuck, words lodged together in a mess of noise in her throat. “It was fine,” She started, her voice light as a summer breeze. It didn’t match anything, but it especially didn’t match the heavy look in her eyes. “It was civil, we spoke, just to clear the air kind of thing.” Molly shrugged with an attempt at a smile.

“That’s good.” Harry smiled back, tilting his head to one side and narrowing his eyes just a touch, for only half a second. “Do you feel better?” He asked, straightening his head again. Molly nodded quickly, the smile rising up her face, until her eyes creased and Harry could see her teeth. It was too big for what they were discussing, so falsely bright, it gave her away instantly. “Why are you lying to me?” Harry asked softly.

“I’m not lying.” Molly insisted with wide doey eyes.

“Lolly.” Harry sighed, shrinking into the velvet headboard behind him. “What’s up?” He asked.

“Nothing I’m fine, it was just a little sad, but I’m good now, I feel better now, you’re right, you were right, it’s for the best.” Molly insisted, this time only lifting one side of her mouth. It was sad, Molly had felt sad. It felt like a real ending, and she’d never liked those, but who really did? Eventually she was sure she’d feel the wound closing up and healing, eventually the conversation would feel like closure, Molly was sure. But it still felt a little bruising and a little sore, and at the back of her mind was the nagging point of what Ryan moving on so quickly said about the back end of their relationship. She supposed it didn’t matter when she was so unabashedly entranced by the way Harry’s bottom lip bounced as he talked.

“You sure?” Harry checked sitting up again.

“I’m sure.” Molly nodded with a tiny, but definitely genuine, smile.

“You’d tell me if something was up wouldn’t you?” Harry asked and Molly nodded with a small giggle. “Promise.”

“I promise, you big goof.” Molly chuckled, rolling her eyes.

“Big goof? That’s mean.” Harry mocked offence, sticking his bottom lip out like a petulant child and creasing his brow just a touch. Molly only giggled more at the sight of it, forcing Harry to smile and his lip to roll back up to meet the top one again, his dimple dipping into his right cheek. Molly had never known someone's smile to take over, and change a face the way Harry’s did. Every intricate detail of his face responded to his smile, the joy oozed out of him like liquid gold and it was hard not to be infected by it.

“Well stop being so soft.” Molly giggled, pulling the blanket over her legs and tucking Moseby in as she did so.

“You love it.”

“You’re right I do.” Molly agreed with a nod of her head, pressing her lips together. The smile on Harry’s face was different then. It made Molly stop and think, which was always dangerous, but especially when she already had thoughts she wished she didn’t swimming somewhere in her head. “I don’t want people to think I’m stringing you along or something.” Molly admitted a little quieter, but hardly a whisper.

“Why would they think that? And wait I thought we weren’t worrying what other people thought.” Harry backtracked, shaking his head side to side and frowning back at Molly.

“I know, but, it looks like I’m saying jump and you’re saying how high.” Molly admitted.

“That’s not how it is though is it?” Harry told her even though it sounded like a question.

“Isn’t it? You do a lot for me, for no reason, just because, and what do you get out of it, you see how it looks.” Molly was ranting, words spilling out of her with ease, only proving how sure she was of the point she was making.

“I don’t get it, why do you do this to yourself?” Harry questioned rhetorically. Molly just lowered her eyes, her cheeks sucking in a little. She didn’t really know either, why she continued to hit the self destruct button, why she continued to worry about things that didn’t need an ounce of her concern, let alone the kilos she was giving them. It was just a part of her design, the way she was made. “We’re good Lol, we’re good, I’m happy, I don’t feel like I’m being shortchanged, I do what I do for you because I want to and because I can.”

“Why though?” Molly asked quietly, her lips barely moving as she began to scratch away skin at the edge of her thumb nail.

“Why not?” Harry shrugged, cocking one eyebrow. “Look, you’re more often than not the first one to text about doing something, you call me more than I call you, we’re pretty even.” Harry reminded her, but that didn’t feel like enough after everything he’d already done for her.

“I don’t drive halfway across the country for you.” Molly pointed out, looking at Harry again. One hand lifted to scrape through the hair he’d tied back, his fingers left lines through it as the tips dragged along his scalp.

“You don’t have a car, and I didn’t end a four year relationship.” Harry told her, his words a little sharp. Molly nodded, her shoulders rising with the sigh she let out quietly through her nose. “Can we please just be without you worrying about what other people may or may not be thinking.” Again Molly nodded, promising herself silently that she’d stop getting wrapped up in the potential thoughts of anyone other than herself. All that mattered, all she had to worry about, or concern herself with what she was feeling and thinking, and when she let go of the needless fretting, what she was feeling and thinking was that she was beginning to really feel something for Harry and she thought she quite liked that. Especially when he looked at her like the same was happening for him.

“Sorry.” Molly whispered.

“Stop saying sorry.” Harry chuckled darkly.

“I’m sorry.”

“Seriously Lolly.” Harry chuckled louder, a deep rumble of thunder that came from his tummy and made his shoulders shake a little.

“Oh shit, I’m…” Molly hesitated for a second as she shook her head in disbelief at herself, trying to decide what she was most of all. What am I? “I’m happy.” Molly settle on finally, opening her eyes to look at Harry as she told him how she was truly feeling.

“Yeah?” Harry checked and Molly nodded, a tiny, glimmer of a smile on her face, the corners only just upturned. “Good, that makes me happy.” Harry told her, just one corner of his own mouth lifting in response to Molly’s quietly content smile. For a second Harry’s eyes flicked off to the near distance, but they quickly came back. “Hey, Lolly, it’s midnight.” Harry announced. Molly frowned, not believing that much time had passed, but the clock on her laptop told her it was in fact one minute past midnight. Christmas Day.

“So it is.” Molly grinned brightly, the childlike excitement instant, and readable from the gleam in her eyes.

“Merry Christmas Cecelia Molly Thomson.” Harry almost whispered.

“Merry Christmas Harry Edward Styles.” Molly replied in the same soft tone, her voice sleek like silk over Harry.

“We could do presents.” Harry suggested, cocking one eyebrow a little.

“I suppose we could.” Molly agreed, though admittedly she was nervous about the idea. Generally speaking Molly thought she was quite good at buying presents, she liked to step outside the box a little and they always seemed to go down well, and she enjoyed buying gifts for others. However, Harry was a bit of a enigma to her, although she felt like she knew him well, finding him the right gift was surprisingly tricky. He had the air of a person who didn’t want for lot, but bought the things he wanted for himself. Molly knew she really needed to step out of the box to find a gift he’d love. Or she thought she did. But then she got a burst of inspiration and his crowded book shelves came back to her. “Shall we?” Molly asked, excited nerves tickling her tummy and making her voice higher than normal.

“Yeah, I think so.” Harry smiled with a nod.

“Ok give me a sec.” Molly pulled her legs from under the blanket, so as not to disturb the sleeping Moseby curled up beside her, and got up from the bed, heading for her wardrobe and the large tote bag she’d travelled home with, sat on the train seat behind her. The gift from Harry, the one he’d given her before driving her home from his apartment, was tucked inside neatly and safely. It was wrapped tidily in red paper, tied with a red and white ribbon that Molly planned on putting around Moseby’s neck once the present was opened. It looked too good to open, and Molly wondered if he’d wrapped it himself. Somehow she just couldn’t imagine his long, strong fingers, being delicate enough to crease the paper so perfectly.

“You first.” Molly groaned as she crawled back onto the bed and sat cross legged before her laptop, matching Harry.

“Oh there’s a dog.” Harry beamed, “The famous Moseby.” Harry’s eyes were glued on the golden retriever, sleeping peacefully still despite the commotion around him. Molly just giggled and nodded, stroking Moseby’s head gently. “Anyway, I insist you go first.” Harry pushed, the tone in his voice ensuring Molly knew there was no room for argument.

“Fine.” Molly sighed, picking the present up and beginning to peel the tape from the paper gently. People laughed at her for how careful she was about unwrapping presents, but she didn’t feel the need to tear away at paper to find what was underneath in seconds. It built up the tension more her way. Molly took the paper away from the rectangular gift and flipped over to look at the front. ‘Coyote Ugly’ on DVD. “Ah, yes, thank you.” Molly grinned and nodded.

“Now you have no excuse.” Harry smiled.

“No I do not, thank you.” Molly giggled placing the DVD case beside her laptop. “Your turn.” Molly gleamed looking to Harry again. Molly knew what was underneath the brown paper dotted with silver stars, but as Harry pulled the red and white striped string to untie the bow she’d tied it in, she felt nervous like she didn’t know a copy of Disturbing the Peace laid beneath it.

“The only book you’ve ever liked.” Harry beamed, eyes flicking over the back cover as he read the blurb, a quick summary of the story of a salesman turned alcoholic and adulterer, designed to make someone buy and read the book. “Thank you, I’m gonna start it tomorrow.” Harry grinned, looking back up at Molly.

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to.” Molly told him blushing a little.

“Of course I want to, if this is the only book you’ve ever liked it must be good.” Harry told her, looking down at the book again for a second before reaching across and placing it on the bedside table that Molly could just see in frame. As he stretched his hoodie rose up over his hip a little, revealing the smooth skin and plump flesh underneath. “Thank you.” Harry grinned one more time.

“Do you wanna watch this with me?” Molly asked without really thinking about the question before doing so.

“You gonna wait that long?” Harry asked, seeming a little put out.

“Or I could put it on now and we could watch it together now.” Molly mulled, detailing how she’d seen it in her head. Turning her laptop a little the TV hung on the wall so Harry could watch the screen with her, like they were there together watching the movie he couldn’t believe she hadn’t seen already, but not really. Harry laughed, really laughed, like she’d told the funniest joke. Molly felt her cheeks redden, realising how ridiculous the idea was and how mad it sounded. How much of a joke it sounded.

“Oh wait you’re being serious.” Harry realised a little too late, the laugh falling away as he winced, noticing how put out Molly seemed.

“No it’s ok, it was a stupid idea.” Molly brushed it off, waving her hand through the air and offering a reassuring smile.

“No, no it’s not that, I just..” Harry hesitated for a second, looking over Molly visibly as she waited for him to finish what he was saying. “Thought you’d want to get to sleep, but yeah, put it on.” Harry told her nodding as he did so.

“Sure?” Molly asked with wide eyes.

“Sure.” Harry confirmed nodding again. Molly smiled and once again got up from the bed to put the DVD on.

The movie started and Molly got comfortable, angling the laptop a little so Harry could see too. The logistics didn’t work out quite as perfectly as they had in her head, and she was sure Harry could hardly see, but he never complained, just got comfortable himself, relaxing back against the headboard. As the movie carried on, Molly glanced to Harry every now and again, his bottom lip between his fingers as he pulled at it. It couldn’t be helped how sleepy Molly felt. It was gone midnight, she was warm and comfortable, curled up with Moseby and her blanket in the softest clothes she owned. Of course her eyes were heavy, and of course she gave into that easily. It couldn’t be helped.

She woke up the next morning, dazed and alarmed at the sound of her sisters voice and her bedroom door opening. By the time Molly realised it was Christmas morning Jeanie had disappeared again, leaving the door open behind her. Molly had no memory of falling asleep, or where she’d gotten to in the movie that was now just a black screen with the words DVD across it. In fact the last thing she could remember was pressing ‘play movie’ and settling back with Harry.

Harry.

Molly jumped at the memory and grabbed her laptop that had gone into sleep mode. Molly wondered when. As the screen came back to life, the facetime call screen that remained showed her the call had ended at 1.15am. Harry must have ended the call after she fell asleep. Molly reached for her phone, plugged in on her bedside table. A message was waiting for her.

Goodnight Lolly, sweet dreams, Merry Christmas x

Eeeee hope you like this one. Are they heading in the right direction? What are we all thinking?

Thank you SO SO much for all the love on this so far. We’ve got a long way to go but I’m so glad so many of you seem to be loving it so far. Would love it if you send over your thoughts and theories and always and if you wanna give it a like or reblog feel free!

All the love, I x

#dive #harry styles au #Harry Styles fan fic #harry styles #harry fluff #harry angst #harry and molly #holly?#is that a thing?#ask box open #ASK ME ANYTHING