#hrlist

[chubby-cry-baby]

married shane x ilya

ilya pays the bill at restaurants by lying that he’s going to the bathroom - shane starts doing this too and now it’s a race to see who can covertly pay first

shane is super outdoorsy and can fix a lot of stuff around the house AND has tools!!!! ilya calls him mr get it done after hearing the GloRilla song

they take polaroids at the cottage

shane INSISTS on russian only days to accelerate his learning

shane uses ilya as his personal weighted blanket and other sensory grounding techniques (“can you grab and pull my hair” “kinky” “no - actually later”)

shane collected ilya’s hockey cards but had to have a huge binder of everyone’s so it doesn’t seem like he’s only collecting ilya’s cards - ilya has shane’s rookie card in his wallet (awwww)

lots of cuteness aggression doesn’t matter who’s around!!!!!!

“listen” “listening”

ilya’s entire camera roll goes from random pictures to shane shane shane - shane sleeping shane eating shane standing infront of the tv claiming he’s not watching shane in hockey gear shane cooking shane with anya shane with the angry kitten face shane at the cottage shane at the camps shane in his childhood bedroom shane shane shane

when apart; ilya sends 100 voice notes a day to shane (shane listens to them all together like asmr)

ilya will kiss shane just to steal lip balm

if shane is laying on the couch ilya will lay on him and put his head in shane’s shirt (“you’re stretching out the material”)

ilya learns the phrase “hate to see you go but love to watch you leave” and uses it constantly

their shared google calendar is run like the navy (“hollander i don’t see blowjobs on thursday? i will add” “STOP IT MY MOM SEES THIS CALENDAR”)

ilya lowballs people on fb marketplace and then uses shane’s account to lowball them further

ilya will lick shane’s face when the situation calls for it

ilya’s snoring is so bad you can hear it from other rooms but it’s the only noise shane can sleep through its like white noise for shane

shane loves showing ilya canadian deep cuts (house hippo commercial!!!)

ilya winking at shane is to shane what shane wearing glasses is to ilya

shane peppers ilya’s face with a million kisses regularly but especially when ilya gets hurt

ilya writes to do lists / grocery lists in cyrillic and his penmanship is gorgeous (shane is surprised his jock hockey player husband has nice handwriting and that it took him 10 years to see it)

ilya calls troy his best friend and shane gets jealous

shane carries the bags when they go anywhere

ilya is shane’s emergency contact but shane’s parents are ilya’s emergency contact

“my shane”

[chubby-cry-baby]

shane is soooooo strict

no motorcycle (i will be so mad if you crash and die)

no pilots license (i will be very mad if you fly into a mountain and die)

no smoking (i will never forgive you if you get lung cancer and die)

no fast cars (i will be so mad if you die in a high-speed crash)

go to the dermatologist (i will be so mad if you get skin cancer and die)

take your antidepressants (i love you so so so much)

ilya is rolling his eyes but he’s giddy af and everytime ilya gets a clean bill of health from the team doctor he shows shane, “happy?” “happiest”

[chubby-cry-baby]

shane & ilya & rose & svetlana go on vacation together and the other hotel guests and employees are super ??? about their dynamic because of how touchy they are with eachother.

shane and ilya will die if they’re not touching (“okay those two are definitely together”)

svetlana and ilya and rose go clubbing but shane goes to bed early and they come back to the hotel drunk asf, arms around eachother, dying of laughter (“oh so it’s a throuple?”)

shane and rose go on a sunrise hike and rose is leaning on shane and they’re casual huggers (“maybe those two are also dating bc no way is he cheating on the guy?”)

svetlana scolding ilya about wearing sunscreen in russian and he’s arguing back (“that sounds like wife yelling not friend yelling”)

svetlana and rose being super touchy and complimenting eachother a lot and doing eachothers hair (“oh lord they’re so hot together”)

shane holding hands with both ilya and rose (“aww that’s sweet”)

they’re eating breakfast at the hotel and they’re all feeding each other and grabbing things for each other and “try the orange juice it’s so good” and “i got you coffee” (“maybe they’re poly?”)

svetlana and shane both playing with ilya’s hair and talking about hockey and ignoring ilya (“they’re not letting that poor guy speak”) - ilya is beyond happy

[chubby-cry-baby]

once ilya gets over his jealousy surrounding rosegate; they get along SO WELL and they both love shane SO MUCH.

their favourite activities:

buying shane clothes and dressing him up (“oh you look so handsome” “those pants would look better on your floor” “don’t hit on me for him”)

mixology (bonus points if shane likes the drink)

watching shane do tasks (shane has to cut the grass and ilya and rose are sitting on lawn chairs with drinks and yelling “take your shirt off”)

teasing shane (they both love to watch shane squirm)

getting high and making snack combinations (“okay we should make chipotle cheesy garlic bread with bacon” “YESSS”)

bonus:

going to shane’s parents house and looking at shane’s baby pictures and home videos and it’s 4 v 1 and everyone’s teasing shane and he’s blushing but feels so loved

[chubby-cry-baby]

things shane definitely did because he wants to be a good boyfriend/husband

added his credit card to ilya’s phone’s apple pay (“shane why i am also wealthy” “you don’t have to but i’d like it if you used it” "okay mr millionaire")

had all of ilya’s curly hair products at his house + got silk pillow cases

big “i saw this and thought of you” boyfriend

kept ilya’s favourite snacks at his house + popcorn for when they watched movies

scheduled monthly “check ins” about feelings and their relationship (“okay i’m ready for our marriage meeting” “it’s not a meeting it’s a check in” “are we going to watch tape” “shut up”)

read articles on ‘how to be in a long distance relationship’ and then later on read articles about ‘how to support your husband with depression’

remembers any comment ilya made about wanting something and he gets it for him for his birthday/christmas/just because

referred to everything as “ours” months into officially dating (“our cottage” “our cars” “our homes in montreal/ottawa”)

looked up russian language classes he could attend in night school or something similar (they didn't work with his schedule - but he really looked into it)

[chubby-cry-baby]

ilya bothering tf out of shane when he says he likes anyone or anything:

“hayden’s my best friend” “i thought i was your best friend” [canon]

“i like running” “i thought you liked me”

“jesus this cake is everything” “i thought i was your everything”

“oh i love this movie” “i thought you loved me”

“i think dynamic stretching is my favourite exercise” “i thought i was your favourite exercise”

[chubby-cry-baby]

shane x ilya and the centaurs!!!

they all go to the arcade for 'bonding' and shane and ilya are SCARY competitive and try to get the highest points on everything. At some point wyatt says "i thought they were only competitive on ice..."

harris organizes a centaurs charity calendar and shane and ilya are february because valentines day (awww)

the team will always leave a spot for the other when standing around at practice or sitting at a restaurant - they know shane and ilya want to be beside eachother. warning: DO NOT SEPARATE

theres multiple wedding celebration dinners they get invited to in the summer and there is a lot of "so you're why we never saw roz at any team events hmmm" (harris' family loves shane!!!!!)

sometimes they'll do team rozanov vs team hollander at practice - it's truly cemented that shane is actually the best player ever of all time

shane and ilya finally go to a Bood BBQ

shane cleans up at poker - he has no tells and he loves winning

harris comes to take content when they’re practicing and ilya teases him “you just want to see your boyfriend” and they look over to see shane and troy doing elaborate passes and harris teases back, “you’re staring more than me”

gayest team in the league

rookies want to play with hollander and rozanov soooo bad (having a centaurs induced sexuality crisis becomes a thing there's a lot of "hey um hollander/rozanov/barrett can i ask you a question")

ilya regular flirts with shane infront of everyone they don't even bat an eyelash but when shane flirts with ilya everyones starts ribbing him like 'ooooh rozy'

“okay tell us who made the first move” “me” “i did” - and a massive argument ensues

“FINALLY SOMEONE TO TRANSLATE WHATEVER ROZ SAYS IN RUSSIAN” “you don’t want to know what he says in russian”

shane’s insane hockey iq tells each of them what they’re doing wrong & their plays improve within weeks (“your angle is wrong” “if you go faster you might actually score”) - he can’t help though he can only tell you what’s wrong

harris organizes a centaurs FAQ video; “twitter is dying to know ‘ilya rozanov can you fight?!?’” “who’s asking” “it trends everytime shane posts a sponsorship or scores a goal or does an interview or gets papped or-” “yes i will fight anyone”

shane and ilya can speak with their eyes and it gets spooky; the centaurs immediately make a game to see who has the best telepathy with their captain

shane freaks out when they get turbulence and ilya always jokes, “we’re already married what would you do this time”

[chubby-cry-baby]

shane headcanons

does morning tae bo/tae chi with older ladies at the park who don’t care he’s the shane hollander (ilya calls them his girlfriends)

post marriage: will try any new food once as a rule

has a travel agent (“they know how to best optimize itineraries” “nerd”)

gets a cat and loves watching the cat and anya interact

wears headbands because hair touching his face is over stimulating

tries those healthy pinterest recipes (“hollander please tell me this is real chocolate mousse” “it’s real!! as in it really exists… it greek yogurt based’” “noooo whyyyy”)

calls ilya baby (infront of people too)

enjoys vacuuming way too much & loves a label maker

at some point he becomes a major contributing editor in the hockey wikipedia community (this started bc he wanted to make sure nothing on his page was inaccurate and to update his picture so it’s nice and presentable)

when ilya likes some thing shane will buy TOO much of it (“i got you strawberries” “you got me 14 containers of strawberries” “you said you liked them!”)

big farmers market fan

the canadianisms of his accent slip out when he’s tired - he calls toronto “tuhronno”; this pleases ilya endlessly

big fan of russian cuss words - uses them in casual conversation

actually really likes when people tease him accurately (it makes him feel seen)

cannot wear mismatched socks

has a cabinet full of many many supplements and they all serve a purpose

very good at arm wrestling

had a rubik’s cube hyper fixation for a few weeks in middle school - still has the skill and ilya makes him do it multiple times (“shane show them how fast you can solve the rubiks”)

loves any app/site that logs information; exercise, movies, shows, books etc - and he loves getting the year end analyses

starts to knit because he wants a hobby outside hockey (and he wants more ways to express his love to people - ilya turns their house upside down when he misplaces the hat shane knit for him) (but he always sites the cognitive benefits of knitting as the reason)

corrects peoples pronunciation of Ilya; “ilya” “it’s ilya” “ilya” “ilya” “ilya” “ilya” “hollander we’re saying the same thing” “no we’re not dickhead it’s Ilya”

has to remind himself he’s not in trouble