conventional wisdom says there are seven wonders of the world. when i was but a boy, my father told me those weren’t real wonders, not if you’d seen them. so i set out and explored every inch of this beautiful earth, scaling mountains, paddling oceans, braving the indifference of the metropolis. and after years of searching, i discovered the real seven wonders, known only to the most intrepid of adventurers. located in the very recesses of the human heart, they are, in no particular order:
1. being one of the picture perfect hunk surfer lifeguards from baywatch
2. your best friend is the cocky and rebellious son of a diplomat and you both play on the varsity football team
3. rock & roll
4. being one of the picture perfect hunk surfer lifeguards from baywatch
5. this is where i’ve put my weeks of research and speculation and analysis into a bold but confident theory so please listen closely
6. yo
7. all those dead homo sapiens whose skulls we keep to play with and christ i truly hate that much more than you will ever know i like how you’re all smiley and just pretending to turn a blind eye to it all the way up until it’s too late for you and you’re just rung clean through