Why why why do i this to myself??
I sit there in loneliness and desperation for a connection and validation that is so all consuming
That I show my body off for attention and some sort of connection to someone….. I hate it so much but I’m so lonely ….
I feel like the only way I’ll ever be loved is if someone is using me for there own pleasure … like sexual acts is all I’m made for …. Like no one could ever love me if not for my body
People talk about sex like it’s this deep connection that happens between people… and i feel so disconnected from everyone else around me …. Sometimes I disconnect from myself… like what I’m doing isn’t happening to me it’s just happening to my body…. The words they’re saying isn’t about me just my body because that’s all I am …. A body for people to use and look at , to touch and grope.
I feel so disgusting afterwards….. and I isolate myself from them … because i can’t stand what I did ….. I don’t even like it …. But I do it anyways because…. I’m so lonely and sometimes they compliment me and give me validation…… but they can’t possibly like me right??
I’m disgusting and gross….. why can’t I just say no , why am I such a people pleaser?? But I’m afraid if I set boundaries the little bit of love that I get will go away….. that they suddenly won’t like me anymore because they won’t be able to use me anymore….. I’ll be useless to them , there won’t be a reason for them to love me anymore…..
I’ll be unloveable….. my parents have always said that guys have needs and that if I don’t do that then I’ll be bad and won’t be a good partner to them …… I know in the back of my head that it’s isn’t true…. That all guys are different and that sex or sexual acts aren’t a need at all ……… but it’s so hard to unlearn because of my trauma…… and because of how my parents excused my abuser’s behavior and actions towards me because… “ boys will be boys “ and “ and boys just think like that “ ………. And because of how people talk about sex with some one … that it’s being that it’s being as close to someone as possible, that it’s the embodiment of love , that it’s a magical thing.. that it’s what makes us human.
I feel sexual attraction but only a little bit or once in awhile….. I hate that I feel it … it scares me when it happens…. It makes me feel awful and ashamed of myself……… i just wish i didn’t feel it at all .
I think there might be something really wrong with me ………
No matter what I do I always feel so alone and disconnected from people…. Like there’s this wall between me and everyone else…. Like I just can’t get close to anyone anymore…….