#hyperactive attachment system

[ears-awake-eyes-opened]

“There’s another reason you might be attracted to an avoidant partner if you’re anxious. In Emily’s case, David’s subtle indicators of uncertainty and unavailability made her feel insecure. This is often what happens, even very early in the relationship, if you are anxious and dating an avoidant. Quite soon in the relationship you start to get mixed signals. He (or she) calls, but takes his time about it; he’s interested in you, but lets you understand that he’s still playing the field. You are left guessing. Every time you get mixed messages, your attachment system is activated and you become preoccupied with the relationship. But then he compliments you or makes a romantic gesture that gets your heart racing, and you tell yourself he’s interested after all; you’re elated. Unfortunately the bliss is very short-lived. Quickly the positive messages become mixed once again with ambiguous ones and again you find yourself plunging down that roller coaster. You now live in suspense, anticipating that next small remark or gesture that will reassure you. After living like this for awhile, you start to do something interesting. You start to equate the anxiety, the preoccupation, the obsession, and those ever-so-short bursts of joy with love. What you’re really doing is equating an activated attachment system with passion.

If you’ve been at it for a while, you become programmed to get attracted to those very individuals who are least likely to make you happy. Having a perpetually activated attachment system is the opposite of what nature had in mind for us in terms of gratifying love... in order to thrive and grow as human beings, we need a secure base from which to derive and comfort. For that to happen, our attachment system must be calm and secure.

Remember an activated attachment system is not passionate love. Next time you date someone and find yourself feeling anxious, insecure, and obsessive—only to feel elated every once in a while—tell yourself this is most likely an activated attachment system and not love! True love, in the evolutionary sense, means peace of mind. “Still waters run deep” is a good way of describing it.

Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller, Attached

[ears-awake-eyes-opened]

“As part of a reaction to a breakup, our brain experiences the departure of an attachment figure in a similar way to that in which it registers physical pain.

...Once your attachment system becomes activated, another interesting phenomenon is triggered: You will get overwhelmed by positive memories of the few good times you had together and forget the multiple of bad experiences.

...Anxious (attachment style) people may take a very long time to get over a bad attachment, and they don’t get to decide how long it will take. Only when every single cell in their body is completely convinced that there is no chance that their partner will change or that they will ever reunite will they be able to deactivate and let go.

...Sometimes she lost sight of why she needed to break up with (him). Then her family would remind her, sometimes on an hourly basis, why it was necessary.”

Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller, Attached

[ears-awake-eyes-opened]

Activated attachment and recovery

If my attachment system hadn't been extremely activated after being in relationship for over 2 years with someone distant and mentally ill who discarded me, then I might never have been attracted to N who was avoidant.

And if my attachment system hadn't been so activated by the friendship losses and abuse I experienced in political activism, then I might never have been drawn into that prior relationship to begin with.

And if the early life experiences that shaped my attachment system had been different, then I might not have experienced the friendship losses and abuse during the activism as trauma.

I’m grateful for all of this awareness. I feel like I lost a lot of time coming to this awareness, but that’s how the veil lifts - slowly. Consciousness is sexy that way.

I’m grateful to not be in either relationship anymore. I’m grateful to not want to be in either relationship anymore. I’m grateful to get to keep the love I had for those women without the debilitating limerence, and without staying in relationship with people who discarded me.

My attachment system is not as activated/anxious anymore. This is where the past 2 years of somatic experiencing and other nervous system healing work, including giving up the things that felt tornadoish/addictive to me, is really paying off.

[ears-awake-eyes-opened]

Healing attachment trauma continues to change my relationships and life.

[ears-awake-eyes-opened]

“If you are anxious (attachment style) the reverse of what happens when you meet someone avoidant happens when you meet someone secure. The messages that come across from someone secure are very honest, straightforward, and consistent. Secures are not afraid of intimacy and know they are worthy of love. They don’t have to beat around the bush or play hard to get. Ambiguous messages are out of the mix as are tension and suspense. As a result, your attachment system remains relatively calm. Because you are used to equating activated attachment system with love, you conclude this can’t be “the one” because no bells are going off. You associate calm attachment system with boredom and indifference.”

Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller, Attached

[ears-awake-eyes-opened]

“These (protest) behaviors and strategies can also continue long after your partner is gone. This is part of what heartache is all about—the longing for someone who is no longer available to us when our biological and emotional makeup is programmed to try to win them back. Even if your rational mind knows you shouldn’t be with this person, your attachment system doesn’t always comply. The process of attachment follows its own course and its own schedule. This means you will continue to think about the other person and will be unable to push them out of your mind for a very long time.

It turns out that people with anxious attachment styles are particularly susceptible to falling into a chronically activated attachment system situation... The brains of people with an anxious attachment style react more strongly to thoughts of loss and at the same time under-recruit regions normally used to down-regulate negative emotions (such as the orbitofrontal cortex). This means that once your attachment system is activated, you will find it much harder to “turn it off” if you have an anxious attachment style.

Understanding the attachment system is crucial for people with an anxious attachment style. Therein lies their chance for a happy, fulfilling relationship... Finding a secure partner in the first place is the best option available for you if you’re single... The second route is for anyone who has an anxious attachment style—both those currently in a relationship and those who are still on the lookout for the right partner. It entails reshaping your attachment working models—basically rethinking your attitudes and beliefs about relationships from an attachment perspective—as a segue toward retooling yourself with more secure relationship skills.”

Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller, Attached

[ears-awake-eyes-opened]

“Emily’s was not a case of masochism or borderline personality disorder. It was a simple case of activated attachment system. People with an anxious attachment style like Emily have a super-sensitive attachment system... The attachment system is the mechanism in our brain responsible for tracking and monitoring the safety and availability of our attachment figures. If you have an anxious attachment style, you possess a unique ability to sense when your relationship is threatened. Even a slight hint that something may be wrong will activate your attachment system, and once it’s activated, you are unable to calm down until you get a clear indication from your partner that he or she is truly there for you and that the relationship is safe. People with other attachment styles also get activated, but they don’t pick up on subtle details that people with an anxious attachment style do.”

Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller, Attached

[ears-awake-eyes-opened]

“...anxious (attachment style) means that she thrives on intimate, supportive relationships that are stable and long-lasting, and that uncertainty and emotional unavailability get her activated and preoccupied, or in a word, miserable... Certain people—namely avoidants—intensify her worries and feelings of inadequacy, while others—secures—pacify them.”

Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller, Attached