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Man. I really do regret not starting my art journey sooner. I spent my whole life up until only a few months ago telling myself not to even bother, because I was terrible and would never make anything good and every attempt was only an embarrassment. I could've really been the great artist I always wished I was today if I'd had some courage and pushed myself back then. Now I'm here at the ripe age of early 20s, taking forever to draw a circle, acting like I have the right to put my macaroni art next to all the Mona Lisas on here. It feels terrible man

#i will say I've improved a lot since I first started. have to at least give myself that #but it still doesn't feel like enough. i feel like i should be better than this by now you know?#i know it's really my fault for just drawing nonsense and not sitting down and doing actual art studies but...#... those scare me haha. it's that old fearful defeatist trying to come back and control me again #tbh i always had self esteem issues but they're pretty bad when it comes to art and writing in particular #i think it's because... i think/feel as though i should be a master at what I like doing. and if I'm not then I'm a failure #“if you're not first you're last” sorta thing ykwim #it's not a healthy mindset but it's hard to lose just because it's so old and ingrained #it's hard not to feel envious and discouraged when i see great art and artists on here while I...#... I can't even say I draw like a child because there are actual kids on here who draw fantastically haha #oh well... no time like the present. at least I manned up and started trying #maybe I'm just too impatient idk. wanting to become Van Gogh in a day. no one's ever done that. not even the real Van Gogh haha #this is what i get for letting my demons vanquish me for so long i suppose. I'm reaping what I've sown #welp. as long as you're alive it's never too late for anything right? at least I'm here now #showed up to the art party 20 years late haha #merchant says stuff #this post spawned from me trying to work on the Wild Spice designs for Retrograde lol #it's really frustrating to have a vision in your mind and then struggle to actually translate it into something real. you feel stupid for it #[specific Wild Spice] bro stop with your attitude and cooperate with me. get on the damn tablet so people can see you!!!

Conversely I don't have a problem with early gennin Sakura's behaviour and personality, in fact I think that it could've been incredibly realistic if it was portrayed as a self preservation mechanism that stems from the bullying she faced.

It's not unusual for people who have been bullied or outcasted because they have something 'wrong' with them (a cruel concept that is often enforced despite being bullshit) beginning to obsessively fixate on fitting in. Going out of their way to be liked and act like everyone else serves as a self defense mechanism to avoid it happening again in the future, often coupled with insecurity and supressing - sometimes even forgetting- your actual personality. Especially if it happens at a younger/formative age.

Seeing/hearing how other girls her age supposedly begin to care about their looks, watching their mass infatuation with Sasuke, how everyone treats Naruto harshly, and so on. Except these behaviours get magnified or exaggerated out of proportion because hey look at me! Acting completely normal and like other people I'm fitting in no problem!!!! Even inner being a result of squashing down her actual personality to fit in with what other people as a whole find palatable - not just Sasuke.

The anxiety and insecurity could even subconsciously be effecting her performance as a shinobi. Don't give it your all (unless Sasuke-kun is watching, I need to impress him) other people might think you're weird for caring so much, don't try so hard (unless its a competition with Ino) or people will think you're cringe, subconsciously self sabotage without realising it (because otherwise I'll get made fun of for being smart because studying and enjoying reading is for losers and I'll get called a nerd and be isolated again unless I act delicate and helpless like the heroines in those romance novels I have to blend in seamle-)

It'd also add another layer of importance to her breakthrough in the Forest of Death. The departure from who she used to be and the true beginning of her evolution yes, the vow to change and catch up to her teammates yes, but also a realisation and a promise not to hold herself back or sabotage herself for the sake of others again. Sakura has cut herself loose from who she once was. She will bloom from a bud to a flower. The boys will watch her back this time. And her old bullies and anyone who might laugh can eat fucking dirt - she isn't going to lose herself or hide away ever again.

#Once again Yearning for what could've been and the potential that was right in front of us #Kishimoto when I catch you #a lot of this is similar to my transmasc!Sakura HC in regards to supressing your true self and over performing the aspects of who you think #other people want you to be #And just like I have a HC that sometime in that au he has a realisation that his infatuation with Sasuke wasn't a crush but rather a desire #to be like him and not wanting him but rather wanting what he has (as least in the way of gender presentation)#I think Sakura in here would have a realisation that her infatuation with Sasuke was more of a performance than anything else #(even aside from all that I would like to remind you that she is 12! And it's not unusual for 12 year old girls to get intense crushes and #have insecurities and identity struggles!! Stop persecuting her for the crime of being a teenage girl <3)#speaking as someone that used to get pretty badly bullied and teased for being different due to factors they can't control #and had many years of therapy and being explained to me how those periods of my life influenced my behaviour #naruto #haruno sakura #sakura haruno #Fee-fo-food for thought #Raving (and ranting)#i have not proof read this nor given myself time to think abt wording this is straight from the half asleep dome #I may come back ang edit this later if the coherence is lacking #PSA to anyone reading this: There is nothing about you that is so 'wrong' that you deserve to be bullied isolated or just treated like shit #there is nothing so 'wrong' with anyone on earth that is worth isolating them over #you are not lesser and you are not other. You are a person and never for single moment believe that you are less

Had a rough sleep. I'm not doing well today mentally.

#Everything feels numb and like I'm just watching myself be awake but nothing is happening.#it feels like every emotion I have right now is.....off #it's not a good sign. I know it's not but I can't stop it.#being self aware of the things that happen out of your control is truly a different kind of personal hell.#hoping this feeling goes away sooner than later....I've been here before. I don't like where it leads.#venting.

Me, literally, 24/7 IF I'm not having anxiety attack or if I'm not playing with PS4 or listening monsters while knitting.

I force my fave characters do smut in my head all the time >:'D At times more than smut too ~

#Autistic #ADHD #mental health #Welcome to inside of my head!#That's honestly how it looks like #Yes I feel bad I do this but I can't stop #I have try but my mind always goes back to it #I have no control over my mind...#Which then increases my anxiety and self dislike since I keep telling myself I should be better than this

anyway this week I leant on my therapist's shoulder and ugly cried for like 10 minutes and as I was leaving I was like 'don't give me that face' and she was like 'I'm just very proud of your progress!' and I'm like 😡😡😡😡😡 THANK YOU 😡😡😡😡😡