#idyts

[phan-of-the-pen]

I Dare You To Stay: Chapter 17

it’s that time again you guys! and oof, is that foreshadowing I sense?? all will be revealed eventually! enjoy :D

Tags for chapter: angst, talk of therapy/mental illness, major fluff

Words for chapter: ~2.3

Fic Summary: Dan Howell is a barista working a shitty job, frequenting his shitty apartment, and living a shitty existence, hiding his asexuality and going for a PHD in self-depreciation and depression. Phil Lester is a part-time intern, part-time employee at a local weather station, trying to get experience in his field and make a name for himself, while juggling a second job at the nearby Tesco’s to give him some financial breathing room. Their paths were never supposed to meet, but what happens when they do anyways, one rainy day in Manchester?

(ao3!)

<– Previous chapter Next chapter -->

~~~~~~~~~~

"You really talked for an hour? Wow," Jaime said. Dan watched as she immediately frowned. "Okay hang on, that sounded kind of sarcastic and I didn't mean it like that. I'm just surprised because you don't like to talk about your past, plus your first appointment didn't exactly go well. I'm really proud of you, Danny."

Dan groaned into his pillow at the nickname even though at this point, he'd let Jaime call him whatever she wanted. He just wanted to talk with her—it had been so lonely knowing she was in London.

"Congrats, you just ruined it." he mumbled.

When he pulled his face back up from his pillow Jaime was still smirking at him through the screen of his phone. It was late, but Jaime had just gotten back from a few days in London for the play and they were video calling to catch up with each other.

The live feed of Jaime's bedroom shifted and wobbled as she found a more comfortable position on the bed. When she settled her face was serious again.

"How do you feel about this though? Do you think that therapy is something that is right for you?"

Dan took a moment to think before answering.

"I want to see where it goes more than anything. I like Gina and I feel really comfortable with her which is good, but I think I just need to wait right now? Like, as much as I may want them, I know that there won't be instant results, and I know I'm probably going to keep struggling. After a little bit of work and time, if I haven't gotten anywhere then I might change my mind, but right now I'm ready to see this through."

"Wow Dan," Jaime said softy, a gentle smile on her face, "you've really grown up."

Dan could feel his rosey patch flare up, and he chuckled awkwardly. He didn't really know how to take that.

"I think we both know I have the maturity of a seven-year old, Jaime."

"No, Dan, not anymore." Jaime snorted and rolled her eyes, but her expression went right back to its softness of before. "You've really changed from that kid who turned up at my coffee shop looking like a drowned rat. You're you now."

Dan hummed to show he was listening, but at the same time he wasn't. He had absolutely no idea what the hell Jaime was getting at, especially whatever "you're you now" bloody meant. Who was he before? Was it a good change?

Why couldn't he see it too?

"How's the play coming?" Dan asked instead of the million other questions smashing around his skull. It was late and maybe deep talks weren't the best when they were both exhausted.

Jaime caught him up on all of the happenings of the play, and talked about the cute stagehand for a half an hour alone. She showed Dan a few promo posters that had her in them with joy all over her face.

Dan let the gentle, tired voice of his best friend slowly relax his body and mind as he listened. He felt the exhaustion of the day slowly creep over his limbs until he knew that it wouldn't be much longer until he either fell asleep on Jaime or they hung up.

"It feels like things are finally going good, you know?"

Dan smiled, his eyelids heavy and his head feeling a bit like mush but his heart spilling over with sleepy love and pride for this wonderful mess of a human being that was Jaime. God, did he miss her over these past few days.

"Yeah, I know."

~~~~~

"I'm so glad you could grace us with your presence." Dan called as Jaime tumbled through the door of the coffee shop the next morning looking tired but happy. She flipped him off but her smile didn't falter for a moment, so Dan knew perfectly well she wasn't that much of a grouch this morning.

"I'm glad to see that you're still a little shit."

"When you get famous I'm gonna find the nearest gossip site and tell them all about how you actually suck as a person." Dan retorted.

Jaime hummed as she tied her apron on and wrestled the coffee grounds out of Dan's hands.

"Give them here, I've left this place in your barbaric hands long enough."

"Love you too."

"A fanabla"

Dan wiped down the tables and filled the self-serve bar while Jaime started brewing the coffee. He helped her set the register, and they shared a vanilla latte while they browsed the music selection. By the time they were ready to open the windows were already fogged with condensation and Dan's nose was desensitized to the smell of fresh coffee.

Mary was in as usual, but this time when she saw Jaime she got terribly excited. Dan happily covered the first few people to wander through their small coffee shop while Jaime had most of her attention taken up by Mary who demanded to know everything that had happened in London. It was cute to see Jaime gushing about the past few days with an equally enthusiastic Mary. Plus he knew how much they had missed each other. 

"Daniel, how have you been? Have you told Jaime here to take that girl of her's out yet?" Mary asked, wrapping her much smaller hands around one of Dan's huge ones. Dan smiled.

"I told her last night on the phone to take her on a date the next time she was in London, but knowing Jaime it'll be three years until that happens." Mary cackled at Dan's remark and shot Jaime a look. "And I'm doing just fine. My day off was nice. I went back to therapy and then spent the rest of the day with Phil until he had to go to work."

"Speaking of Phil, how's he doing? I haven't seen him in a while. Well, I've seen him on the weather, haven't I?" Mary laughed.

"He's doing alright. His work at the weather station has picked up a bit, so hopefully he'll get a promotion soon. If he becomes a full-time employee then he can quit his job at Tesco."

"If they keep him as an intern any longer I'll certainly have to have a word with them."

Dan and Jaime both laughed, and after a moment of keeping her stern expression, Mary smiled gently.

"Well, I'm afraid I have to get going you two, I have a doctor's appointment to get to."

"I thought you went to the doctor's a few weeks ago?" Jaime said, frowning. Dan felt the corners of his mouth drop down now that Jaime mentioned the oddity. She was right—Mary had just been, was she okay?

"Oh, that's what happens when you get old, love, your whole body falls apart and all of your bills are medical ones." She patted Jaime's cheek and said goodbye to them one last time before turning on her heel and disappearing out the door.

By the time Mary left the morning rush started to trickle in, and Dan and Jaime took turns taking the orders. It was efficient and even kept the line short.

Dan was making a espresso for a stressed uni student when Jaime sided up next to him. She gently bumped her hip against his leg as a silent watch out I'm next to you as she reached for a new container of cream.

"That was weird."

"Hmm?"

"Mary. Was it just me? Or did you think the doctor's thing was suspicious too?" Jaime asked, following Dan as he brought the espresso back to the counter. Jaime started to mix the coffee for her customer as Dan ran up his customer.

"Do you think she's lying?" Dan asked as he gathered the necessary change. Jaime stopped for a count of five, her mouth in a tight line, eyebrows drawn together in thought. She mumbled something Italian under her breath before shaking her head and resuming what she was doing. 

"No, but it still seemed off to me."

Jaime handed her coffee off to her customer and collected the money as Dan took the order of the next person in line.

"Maybe I'm just overthinking it. Projecting and all," Jaime continued, vaguely waving her hand to animate "and all".

"I don't know, Jaime, it didn't seem like the whole story, but I guess she was right with visiting the doctor more. I know my gran was always over at her doctor's for her bad kidneys. Maybe it really is just an old person thing?"

Jaime's face was set in that puzzled look once again.

"Yeah, maybe."

"Hey, Mary's fine. You know just as well as I do that she would tell us if something major was up. We're pretty much her grandkids."

Jaime nodded, a watery smile pulling itself onto her face. "You're right, there's no reason to worry, and I'm sure she's fine. I'm just being weird because she's, you know, like my mum and my nonna all in one."

Dan squeezed her hand with his spare one as he tried to fill his next order. Jaime was just as disowned as Dan himself was, but she still longed for that special relationship a kid had with their parents. Because of that, she had latched on to Mary in more of a maternal sense than Dan had. Dan on the other hand just wanted to be loved, and between Jaime, Phil, and Mary, he was content.

The rest of the morning rush lasted mostly in silence which was fine for Dan. As time passed Jaime bloomed further and further back into herself, and by the end of the hour he could barely even tell that she had been upset in the first place.

Now that customers were just a trickle, they were able to relax more, which was what Dan had been looking towards all day. Catching up with Jaime in a video call was good, but damnit he had missed her and in person conversations were always better without the distance and pixels creating a barrier between them.

Dan wrapped his arms around Jaime and pulled her in close, resting his head on top of hers. He smiled stupidly when she immediately hugged him back just as hard.

"I really hate how far away London is."

"Aww, did you miss me?" Jaime asked, even though they had already gone through this last night. Dan didn't bother quipping back something witty.

"Yeah, I did."

One of Jaime's hands was slowly rubbing the small of his back, and Dan had forgotten how soothing the motion was.

"I missed you a lot too. It felt weird not being able to walk a few blocks to annoy you whenever I wanted. And I mean, it was only for a week, but that's crazy for us."

Dan laughed.

"It really is. That was the longest we've been apart since we met, wasn't it?"

"Oh yeah, by like, five days for sure."

Their hug slowly and naturally dissolved, and when they were finally apart Dan was smiling just because everything felt right.

~~~~~

Dan let Jaime have the first lunch break, but like normal she didn't even bother to leave the counter. She perched herself on one of the stools and spread her lunch on the extra counter that was only used when there were massive lines.

They continued to chat, but when Jaime's phone ding!ed and she looked at it immediately, Dan's interest piqued. When a grin broke across her face after reading whatever notification she received his curiosity only grew.

"Is that that hot stagehand you told Mary and I all about?" Dan teased, resting his head on his hand. Jaime rolled her eyes, but Dan didn't miss the dusting of pink embarrassment that rose to her cheeks.

"No, it's Amazon telling me that your Christmas present is here."

"What is it? It's not that hideous jumper you sent me the link to is it? I mean Jaime even you said it was horrid."

"As much as that would be an amazing gag gift, it's not what I ended up choosing."

"Thank god."

Jaime tucked her phone back into her pocket.

"Speaking of Christmas, if you leave me to spend the whole thing with Phil I hope you know I'm going to kick you in the dick at best."

Dan involuntary cringed.

"Uh, yeah no I don't want any parts of that. But no, I was thinking that we could do something with the three of us? We can watch bad Christmas movies and make a gingerbread house and stuff if you want. I can even have it at my flat so you don't have to worry about having Phil at yours if you don't want."

"That would be really fun, I've been looking for more ways to embarrass you in front of your boyfriend."

"Jaime!"

"Fine, I'll control myself for the most part. But seriously, I'd like a Christmas with the three of us. I need to get to know my future brother-in-law better, and I already bought him a present so seeing him on Christmas would only be convenient."

Dan rolled his eyes, but judging from the large smile on Jaime's face her apathetic words weren't worth anything (like usual).

A trio wandered through the front doors, momentarily stealing away Dan's attention from Jaime. It was fine though—he was smiling all through making their coffees, thinking about how excited he was to spend Christmas with his two favorite people.

Jaime was right, Dan thought, things really are looking up.

[phan-of-the-pen]

I Dare You To Stay: Chapter 21

*wipes tear* my story can drink alcohol now *sniffs* they grow up so fast

Tags for chapter: v minor angst, fluff, plans for the future

Words for chapter: ~2.7 k

Fic Summary: Dan Howell is a barista working a shitty job, frequenting his shitty apartment, and living a shitty existence, hiding his asexuality and going for a PHD in self-depreciation and depression. Phil Lester is a part-time intern, part-time employee at a local weather station, trying to get experience in his field and make a name for himself, while juggling a second job at the nearby Tesco’s to give him some financial breathing room. Their paths were never supposed to meet, but what happens when they do anyways, one rainy day in Manchester?

(ao3!)

<– Previous chapter Next chapter (coming soon!)

~~~~~~~~~~

Dan put the steaming coffee in his right hand in front of Phil. Phil looked up and smiled in appreciation, gently pulling the plastic lid off to let the fresh coffee cool. He used his foot to push the chair across from him out from where it had been flush against the table, and Dan slumped into it gratefully, careful to keep his own coffee from spilling.

"Long morning?"

"God, you have no idea. Steve was working a half shift earlier, and dealing with him is the absolute fucking worst."

Phil nodded in understanding, his eyes darkening a little at the mention of Steve. With all of the shit Steve had pulled in the past, and all of the stories Dan told him after every shift they shared, Phil had a healthy hatred of the guy. Part of Dan found it cute, how protective he was whenever Steve was around.

"He's not coming back, is he?"

"No, thank jesus. He was just as happy about not working a full shift as I am."

Dan took a long sip from his steaming coffee, drinking it fast enough for it to not really burn his mouth and throat. One of his many near-useless skills was his tolerance to the heat of fresh coffee, and it always made him laugh to see people's distressed looks at his apparent disregard for his mouth.

"One of these days you'll drink a coffee that's too hot for you, and your hubris will be the end of you." Phil muttered, blowing on his drink and giving it a little sip. He grimaced and set it back down when the temperature still seemed to be too hot.

"Not in this lifetime." Dan glanced up at the counter, and when he saw there were still no customers, he relaxed a bit and turned his attention back to Phil.

It was Phil's day off, and even though they were both in the very public place of the coffee shop, Phil was still wearing his plaid pajama bottoms. The t-shirt that Phil normally slept in had been exchanged for a thicker sweater, and Phil's jacket was tossed over the chair he was sitting on. His hair was in a horrible state of bedhead, but Dan found the random cowlicks adorable. His eyes were tired but content behind his glasses, their focus on the various papers and the laptop spread across the table.

Dan hummed and nodded his head towards the table, knowing that Phil would pick up on his meaning without having to look up.

"Have you decided yet?"

The question messed around something in Dan's insides, but he ignored it. They were trying to rebuild things after their fight, and Dan knew that being a possessive, grumpy boyfriend who didn't want his partner to pursue their dreams would be a step in the wrong direction. They both knew that Dan didn't want Phil to go, but they also both knew how much Dan was dead-set on supporting Phil through this. 

Dan had assured Phil that their relationship—their feelings for each other—were strong enough to withstand this, and he had to stick by that because it was.

Phil frowned a little, shuffling a few of the papers absentmindedly.

"Not really? I've ruled a few possibilities out due to a bit of research I've done about each station, but at this point I'm up to making a decision, and I just don't know how to."

They both knew that Phil didn't have much time. By the end of the week, the station that Phil was currently working at would officially be gone, and he would be out of that job. He would still have his job at Tesco, and money wasn't an issue for him with how much he had saved away, but Phil didn't want to have a career of a Tesco cashier. He had a passion for meteorology, and trying to find a new station to work at was what Phil wanted to do with his life. It was the thing that excited him, and Dan more than respected that.

"Do you have any favorites?"

"No."

"Okay, um," Dan thought for a moment, biting his lip, "how about career-wise? Which one is the best for opportunities and stuff?"

Phil moved some of the papers around until he was holding a few, the others pushed to the side. 

"These are probably the best. Two stations in Birmingham, one in London, one, maybe two in Leeds, and a final one in Sheffield."

"Wow, and here I was thinking that meteorology was a competitive field." Dan snorted playfully. Phil rolled his eyes.

"They're not offering positions on television. Most meteorologists work behind the scenes, you know?"

"Yeah yeah, sure."

"You're impossible. But no, there's always an interest around, and stations are generally pretty good at humoring interest from meteorologists looking for jobs. The competition comes from trying to land a job. All of these stations are really well known, and I've got to make a real good impression to get hired, even with the star reviews I'm getting from my current boses. They all have people working for them that can do everything I can, I just need to impress them, make them think that I can bring something new to the table." Phil frowned, and his eyebrows pinched together. "We'll see, I guess."

Dan nodded. 

"Are you going to try and get an interview with all of them?"

"No, well, I don't know. Maybe? I'm not sure who I should pursue, so don't really know who to branch out towards. I guess I could just try them all and see where I land?"

"Well, what are all of these places offering you? Is one of them offering something that is different than the others?"

More shuffling of the papers. Phil took a generous sip of his coffee, and handed three papers over to Dan.

"I think these are the best deals? There's a local station in Birmingham that will probably accept me, and going from what I have, they're looking to replace their weather anchor. I could be wrong though, it's not like anyone really broadcasts if they're looking to fire. The one in London is a really well-known station, and it could probably give me the best opportunity to put my name out there. It also has the best pay, but I'm not too sure if I could get a job there, though. Then there's Sheffield. They have a really well-known and respected meteorology branch, and I could probably learn a lot by going there. Getting a job there would almost most likely mean that I would also be giving lessons at the local university, which I don't mind. It's a program that they are pretty proud of, to be honest."

Dan let his eyes roam over the sheets as Phil spoke. He picked out words here and there, not really reading, just skimming.

"These are your favorites?"

"Yeah."

"Then I think that you should apply to them. See what they say, and if they're interested, then you can pick between them. If you don't get an offer from any of them, then we can try and pick the next best options from what we've got left. How does that sound?"

Phil smiled, reaching over the table to curl his hand around Dan's. "I don't know how you ended up being the logical one between us if I'm being honest."

Dan laughed, feeling his eyes crinkle and his cheeks dimple.

"As it turns out, I'm actually very good at coming up with solutions as long as they aren't for my own problems. With those I'm kind of hopeless."

Phil laughed, and something in Dan's heart just felt light and happy. Dan settled back into his seat, letting his hand naturally slip from Phil's and curl around his coffee cup. He took a long sip, letting the flavor roll over his tongue. Dan drank so much coffee due to the easy access he had of it, and while it wasn't his favorite drink in the world, sometimes, like right now, he loved it.

Dan clicked on the screen of his phone, the corners of his lips tugging down a little at the lack of notifications.

"Is everything alright?"

"Yeah," Dan said, turning the screen back off and looking up, "I'm just waiting for Jaime to text me back. It's been longer than usual, that's all." 

"Do you think that something is up?"

"No, I'm almost certain that it's just because rehearsals are getting longer, and she was tired before, so she's got to be exhausted now. She's just busy, that's all"

"I'm sure she'll get back to you." Phil took a sip of his coffee. "What are you doing on Thursday?"

"Um, I have work until two, and then therapy right after. Other than that, nothing. Why?" Dan asked, even though he knew exactly why Phil was wondering. Dan was just surprised that he didn't beat Phil to it.

"Well, I was thinking about doing something with you for my birthday, if you want to that is. Dinner, maybe a movie after? Just the two of us?"

Dan smiled. They hadn't had a date night in a while. They had hung out together, sure, but they had never had a proper date in quite a bit. Dan was excited, but he also frowned, knowing exactly what Phil was trying to pull.

"Phil, you know that I would love to, but I'm not going to let you treat me on your birthday."

"Oh c'mon, Dan, spending time with you is a treat for me too."

"You know that's not what I meant."

"Dan, love, let me take you out on a date. It's been ages, and I'd love to spend my birthday wining and dining you. You can repay me by visiting me wherever the hell I end up working, alright?"

Dan kept his frown, knowing that he really shouldn't be giving in to this. He had been planning on taking Phil somewhere, but now…

"Are you sure that this is how you want to be spending your birthday?"

"Yes."

"...Fine. But it can't be too fancy! I'm not letting you go over the top for this date, mister. Not when it's your birthday."

Regardless of Dan's warning, Phil beamed, dropping a kiss onto Dan's knuckles and instantly pulling out his phone. If Dan knew anything about Phil, he was googling restaurant recommendations and their menus. Dan sighed without any real malice behind it, a fond smile tugging at his lips.

"What time should I be ready by?"

"Hmm, I'll let you know, but somewhere around six? For an idea?"

"Fine by me."

The bell above the shop's door chimed, alerting Dan of new customers. Dan gave Phil's hand a squeeze before getting up, leaving Phil to his plans for Thursday. Dan chugged the last few gulps of his coffee left and stepped behind the counter.

Dan took the guy's order, a large strawberry and mango smoothie, with a blueberry muffin. As ironic as it may be, Dan was incredibly glad to be making something that wasn't laced with caffeine.

He put the finishing touches on the smoothie and put it on the counter along with the muffin. The guy grabbed the smoothie with his left hand, giving an appreciative sigh at the flavor. Dan rung up the order on the cash register and gave the guy his total. Dan watched as he put the smoothie back down, looking kind of sheepish as he rooted round his jacket pockets for his wallet. He tossed a small bill into the tip jar and handed over enough to pay for his food to Dan, who counted out his change and reached out to give it to him. As he grabbed it from Dan, Dan's eyes caught on the ring that was on his right hand.

It was a deep, solid black, polished to the point that little reflections shone in the light. The ring was on his right middle finger, and unassuming in every regard. Most people probably wouldn't think much of it.

But then again, Dan wasn't most people.

In his many years of existence, Dan had done a lot of research on the asexual community. There were a lot of symbols that represented asexuality, just like there were symbols for any of the other sexualities. And even though there were plenty of symbols, Dan had taken the time and care to learn them all because it made him feel closer to his identity. Playing cards, cake, even the AVEN triangle were all familiar to Dan.

However, all of those were things that the asexual community had adopted.

Black rings and their meaning, specifically on the right middle finger of one's hand, had been designed by asexual people to recognize each other in public discreetly.

Dan had seriously considered buying one multiple times, but he had always stopped himself at the last moment, fears of rejection and aphobia keeping him from going through with it.

And this guy had one.

One simple, black band around his finger that meant the world to someone like Dan.

Of course, there was the chance that Dan could just be reading into it too far. There was always the chance that this was nothing but a coincidence, and even if it wasn't Dan certainly didn't know this guy, and he might not appreciate Dan mentioning his (possible) sexuality.

But regardless, the flutter of excitement in Dan's heart was something that he couldn't ignore.

Dan had never met anyone like him. He never talked face-to-face with someone else who identified as asexual, who understood. It was always part of the reason why he felt so alone in his feelings, because as much as Jaime and Phil tried to keep their minds open, they could never truly relate to what Dan was going through. And it wasn't their fault, they just...couldn't.

But he might.

With a burning sense of needing to talk to the guy, Dan watched helplessly as he smiled and picked up both the muffin and the smoothie.

"Have a good day." He said with an easy-going grin. Dan stuttered something similar in response, completely overwhelmed at this whole encounter. But as he watched the guy take a step away from the counter, Dan found his jaw nearly unhinging in the rush to speak—

"I like your ring," Dan breathed in a rush, none of his words articulated properly and all of them coming out too fast, too slurred, there's no way he understood, no way.

But to Dan's utter stupor, the guy stopped and smiled in such a genuine manner that Dan couldn't help but laugh a little, his cheeks a little pink form embarrassment.

"Thanks," he said, but that one word said so much, and Dan wanted to cry from happiness because he had found someone like him.

Dan watched as he put his smoothie down and grabbed a pen from the counter, scribbling something quick onto a napkin. He pressed it into Dan's hand, an excited glint in his eye.

"My name's David. I have to get to work, but call me? It's been awhile since I've met someone new who's ace."

Ace.

Yes. Yes. God, yes.

Dan nodded wildly, a warm feeling in his chest. He watched as David picked up his smoothie once more with a giddy smile and left, throwing a happy "Goodbye!" over his shoulder. Dan slipped the paper into his pocket, a huge grin on his face. Phil looked at him with a raised eyebrow from across the cafe, and Dan nearly vaulted the counter in excitement to tell Phil what had him so happy.

Dan had found someone like him, someone ace.

Of course Dan had known that there were other asexual people in the world. Hell, he had even chatted with a few of them online when he was trying to figure himself out.

But there was something so different about meeting someone face-to-face. It was physical proof that no matter how alone Dan might feel sometimes, he wasn't.

He wasn't.

He wasn't.

[phan-of-the-pen]

Where’s chapter 15 of idyts?

hi! 

also oh my god I swear I havent forgotten about it

currently chapter 15 is literally about 80% done, it was just kind of shoved on the back burner because I’m currently writing 3 fics for the phandom big bang (which is also going to mean a lot of content for you guys!!) 

I swear it will be out really soon (like two weeks? thats when I start posting the PBB fics) I’ve just been busy with the fics (so far I have written literally close to 40 pages between all three of them and neither of them are done I’m swamped)