#ifailatlife

[indianplaterack]

I need to get this off my chest

I'm feeling heartbroken - double-up

Sebastian and Chris with new GFs

I know, I know, it's bad form to admit

But seriously, no matter how pathetic and ridiculous that makes me, I do experience real pain in my chest when I saw the pics.

It really is fucking ridiculous. I'm not a teenager, I'm not really even a huge fangirl. I have a wonderful man and I've been with him for 14 years. I'm 37. I'm not lonely or in lack of companionship. I'm successful in my life personally and professionally.

This is so stupid and I should not feel this way.

Which is why I'm saying it here. I sure as hell won't be admitting it to anyone I know in RL!

I'm ashamed of myself.

Anyone else feeling the same way?

[noonespuddin]

#gameofthrones #daenerystargaryen #icantdraw #ifailatlife #hbo #nerd #haventseenthelastseasonbutthanksforspoilingit https://www.instagram.com/p/B3Tc7qgAsTp/?igshid=1gejoilwqvmsx

[ligt-met-mooie-linten]

That BPD feel

When you find a new potential fp and say goodnight in his native language, and he notices you spelled his name wrong.

[sorceryandjellybeans]

Found a pretty dress at a secondhand shop that I can wear to the wedding.  It’s actually really nice... and black, which is always a plus IMO because versatility.  With the choker and earrings I actually look fairly classy.  So at least I’ll look ok I guess.  Having seen the machinations behind the scenes of this wedding, I have to wonder if it’s going to last very long (not that I can trust my own judgment on such things, hahahafml)

but....

My only fear for myself this wedding - and it’s increasing - is that the last time I went to someone else’s wedding (friends of my ex husband, of course) while my own marriage was in shambles, it did not go well for me, in such a way that it might have possibly made their wedding day not so good.

Basically the emotion sort of overwhelmed me and I had a hard time dealing (being all sniffly and weepy) so at the reception I got very drunk, which made it worse.  I was BAWLING.  It was uncontrollable, like a panic attack but full of sorrow and loneliness instead of your usual panic/dread/can’t-deal anxiety, and inside I was wondering wtf was wrong with me.  Another of his friends had to take me outside and try to help me pull myself together (and probably to make sure I didn’t jump off the pier, which crossed my mind a few times, since the place was at a waterfront).

It was so embarrassing.  I feel awful about that.  I really can’t even face those friends-of-my-ex who were getting married ever again unless I could apologize for that.  But honestly I don’t even really want to do that because it’s just too embarrassing and I’m betting they’d rather not deal with me either.

I’m no fucking angel, that’s for sure, but I've never claimed to be anything resembling perfection.  The truth is more often I feel like a hot mess that’s just barely scraping through life and managing to be recognizable as a human.  Honestly I’d just be pretty stoked if I could just figure out how to make sure a social disaster doesn’t happen again....

[dreadedjenocide]

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Happy New Year. #newyear #jenocidedoll #dreadedjenocide #itsblackfridaysfatretardedcousin #goth #ifailatlife

[ifailatsimplethings-blog]

Dear Tumblr #1

Intros are needed I guess.. —— Name: Just call me “If” for now. Age: Not important… Yet. Hobbies: Watching anime/shows, reading, writing, sleeping, failing at life. Relationship Status: What is a “relationship”? Gender: Genderfluid. Mostly female. Sexual Orientation: I’m the gayest lord. -I’m Pansexual- —— I honestly don’t know why I’m doing this. I mean.. How many people want to read me blabbing on about my life? It’s not even that interesting, really. I guess.. I’m tired of being invisible so I’m just reaching into the darkness right now.

I’m currently going to school and while I have an okay personality, I have social anxiety so socializing is quite difficult at times. I’m usually ignored by the few friends I do have and am also “invisible” to pretty much everyone else. I’m not the prettiest, but I believe I’m not the worst looking either. That’s about as far as I’m getting with self esteem. I always have people telling me I’m “beautiful” and I know they mean well, it’s just that our opinions about me are very different.

I tend to be very accepting with everything.. “Chill” as people would call it. I don’t bash on people’s opinions unless they ask for it. I’m extremely used to people who are always rude to me because I don’t have anyone else.. I do have very -VERY- few good friends who don’t ignore me. Only about.. Three. Which is enough for me. Ion not want to be popular in school, but I just don’t like being alone.

Along with having anxiety, there comes the battle of depression. A big reason is being raised with a strongly religious and homophobic mother and with being the Gayest Lord, well.. You can say not everything is always.. Right. My past is not something I wish to reveal immediately, but perhaps.. Later.

I think this is enough for this.. I don’t know if anyone is really going to read this or if anyone will stay around for the other entries, but hey.. “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” I forgot who said that. Anyways.. Um.. Bye.

~ If

[whatisupwithyoulately-blog]

It's already 4pm, the day is basically almost over anyway, might as well spend 5 hours on the Internet

me after half a day at Uni

[whatisupwithyoulately-blog]

Reasons why I fail at life

This is going to be my weekly post of awkward stuff that happened to me in the past week. Why am I writing this down for everyone to read? Because, is why. Maybe there are others out there who have had similar experiences - for your sakes I really hope not. Ok so yesterday myself and my best friend went to a show/concert-y thing. It wasn't in a huge hall though, people were sitting around tables and you could order food and drinks, you know what kind of show I mean? Anyway so we were pretty late and had to sit next to some really grumpy Grannies. The only free seats were opposite to each other so obviously we took those. And while we were just listening to a really beautiful piece, I felt someone poking my right upper thigh as if to tell me something. At first I ignored it, wanting to pay attention to the music. But the poking didn't stop. And since my friend was sat on the opposite side the poking, I thought, it had to obviously come from the person next to me, in my case: the grumpy granny. But, being the stupid shit I am, I didn't think twice, suddenly turned my head and said with the most irritated, annoyed and way too loud voice: "WHAT!?!" I had never seen such an indignant facial expression on anyone before, and when I realized, that it had indeed been my friend who wanted to tell me something and just poked me with her foot, I was mortified. There went all my efforts to make the older generation believe that today's youth isn't just a couple of technology obsessed rude sarcastic prats..