#ifuckshitup

[therealshuqi]

• And we continue to grow! • #ShuqiTheRapper #Shuqi #PinkDiamonds #shuqisInstagramUpdate #winning #femalerapper #rapfest #london #rapmusic #trapmusic #grime #mc #londonrapper #songwriter #hiphop #talent #lyricalgenius #artist #uk #doperapper #1000things #blackgirlmagic #liveanddireect #entertainer #ifuckshitup #rapper #bitchesinmay #stackbundlez (at London, United Kingdom)

[lilmzbabygrl]

DND #offtomycorner #icandonothingright #ifuckshitup 💔

[dd-imonlyhuman]

Fallin'

I hadn’t felt the butterflies in my stomach in a long time. Kissing him was wild. The way he held me when we walked felt so natural. 28 and a kid at heart. His humor, witty. A complete sweet heart. And unfortunately his name is Jacob, sometimes Jake.

〰

1month before the divorce: “Fuck ISIS!” Jacobs first share in the Friday night Sticks meeting leaves everyone laughing. I laughed and turn to Kyle, “He reminds me of Jason!” “No, not at all.” “I think so…”

〰

I walked into the Friday night sticks meeting late. Hands shaking, heart RACING, head going a mile a minute, nervous giggling. We were going to the movies. The flirting and playful teasing was so apparent it was comical. The elders watched and chuckled to themselves as it brought up memories of their past of “13th stepping”. When the meeting ended we slid away to the car as Julie chased after us, her finger waving, with words scolding us of any inappropriateness our flighty hearts had in mind.

〰

Rewind- 1week after my divorce: Phone rings, unknown number. “Hi, Kyle wants to know if he can come over to the apartment for a shower and to pick up some clothes?” “Who is this?” “(Long pause)… Kyles friend…haha” “Ok and what is your name?” “(Even longer pause)…Jacob, uh um Jake” “Ok Jacob, I don’t know who you are. And if Kyle wants to ask me something, then he can call me himself.” (Click)

〰

Facebook Instant Messager 7/13: Jake- “So when u think u will be back from Texas.” “Sometime tomorrow afternoon. So how are you? You doing alright? 😊” “I’m doing ok I miss u” “Aww stop it!! Lol” “What I do” “Haha nothing lol I like it keep talking haha” “I like u” “I like u too 😊”

7/14: Me- “So how is the weather back in Cali? What am I coming home to?” “Ur coming home to me lol”

7/15: Me- “Do you want my number? This FB messaging thing is annoying lol” “Yes, I want ur kisses too 😘” “Stop hahaha You don’t even know me Haha it’s sweet tho 😊…Is this a dtf/fwb kinda thing?” “No, I’m looking for more” “Idk if I can right now I’m kinda fucked up” “Lol how so?” “I’ve been out of the game for about 7 yrs lol But you’re so sweet and I do like you And I am attracted to you” “Lol well I been out 17 months” “Lol I guess we’re both fucked then 😂… I need slower I guess haha” “I’m ok with that but Kissing is not fast” “Haha I know I’m old fashioned I guess lol” “Its slow as long as it dont go any were else” “Tbh I’m scared” “Scared of what” “I haven’t talked like this to anyone in a loooong time” “Lol its cool I’ll stop talking like this we can talk like friends”

7/16: Jake-“What u doing after the meeting tomorrow?” “Nothing, What about you? ” “We should hang out… Go the movies?” “Sure, that would be fun” “Ok Night beautiful I’ll dream of u” “Good night, handsome.”

〰

Silence awkwardly fills the car as we make our way to the theatre. And here it starts….. The part I can’t erase. The part where I yet again fuck everything up. The part where my brain ran absolutely wild. The part where I opened my mouth and where it all began. “You know, I was worried about talking to you at first. The week after we decided to separate before it was officially, divorce; I get a phone call from an unknown number asking about Kyle coming over to the apartment and when I asked him his name he told me Jacob and then stuttered Jake…” I jokingly sneer at him, “That wasn’t you was it?? Ha!.” He looks at me with a puzzled smile “Nooo, ha.” “Ok good.” ~tbc

[ac3-0f-spac3]

It was not your fault, but mine. And it was your heart on the line. I really fucked it up this time, Didn't I, my dear?

[rebelarei]

I hate my job,but my coworkers are nice folks.

[mspardonmypretty]

#EyeOfTheTiger #ICome #IFuckShitUp #ILeave #YourHIGHNESS 🙅👊💢

[kiss-my-tears-goodbye]

Day 15 of my recovery

Well, I've broken 2 weeks! I went to my new consular today.. she's nice. I guess she might help.. although I still don't really want to go. I'mm worried Nick will get mad cause I told something to someone personal about him that he was going through with some guy... ughhhhh. WHY DO I FUCK EVERYTHING UP. But I only told one person cause I was crying in front of them about it.. 

I'm going to bed.

[jezabelle26-blog]

I keep  ignoring your calls and I don't know why but I feel like it's the right thing to do. If I keep holding on to this hope for... well... who knows what, I'm going to end up being very disappointed. 

I can feel you losing interest. I can sense you slipping away. 

It's killing me. 

But I'll let you decide what you want. I'm going to give you time to think. 

I'm sorry. I can't answer the phone right now. Because I'm missing you whole heartedly and with every fiber of my being. If I hear your voice, I won't be okay. 

Stop calling.