Anon wrote: Hi mbti-notes, thank you for keeping this blog! I'm an INFP, and I'm trying to improve how I'm seeking social support from others, particularly Fe users. I've noticed when I express that I'm upset about a situation, many people, especially FJs, try to give me reassurance (eg., telling me everything's OK and I'm OK), which makes me feel unseen and double down on insisting it really is a problem and it's bad. The Fe user is taken aback and I think I make them anxious that they've "said the wrong thing". I don't think the FJ is doing anything objectively "wrong" and I don't want them to feel like they are being a bad friend.
I've realized that by broadcasting, "I'm upset", I'm subconsciously trying to communicate that I need validation (Te) + help solving the problem or making sense of it (inferior Te), which FJs interpret as asking for comfort because Fe tends to process feelings by venting and seeking reassurance that they're OK/valued. Being Fi-dom, I usually prefer to process my feelings internally and have less of a need for emotional reassurance, although I still need validation (eg., that it's understandable to be upset) and help/perspective with my problems.
I have noticed that when I appear calm/unbothered, people do tend to default more to helping me problem-solve, but sometimes I need help problem-solving even when I'm emotional and upset. Since this pattern has happened in many interactions, I'm really interested in figuring out what I can do to get better at communicating about what kind of support I'm looking for from people. Thanks!
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Generally speaking, these kinds of minor personality differences are best resolved through clear and straightforward communication. There are three important factors to take into consideration when you're trying to optimize your communications. I've made it simple for you by condensing them into 3 Ts: terminology, tone, and timing.
Terminology
This is about knowing your audience well enough to know what kinds of words/phrases are going to work best in getting your point across. One big reason people are drawn to learning about personality types is because they want to learn how to "speak the language" of someone who seems very different from them.
It's possible to improve your communications with any person simply through having a better understanding of the beliefs and values that accompany their personality type. Even advertisers and marketers know that appealing to people's beliefs and values is a tried-and-true way to make them more receptive to a message. Of course, I'm not suggesting you use knowledge of people to manipulate them, rather, I'm only saying it's important to tailor your message to the individual.
For example, as you mentioned, the default FJ strategy for helping people is to comfort them emotionally. However, most healthy FJs know the default strategy is simply what you do when you don't know what to do. FJs tend to believe that one should strive to get to know the other person better in order to learn the best ways of attending to their needs. As such, you could start by incorporating their default words like "comfort" and "support" when you're explaining to them the best method of comforting or supporting you.
Tone
Whenever you're raising an issue or problem with FJs, it's important to avoid getting too negative or critical because that may scare them off. Scaring them off is bad because it creates emotional distance that leads them to believe the relationship is not as close as they thought, which could drastically change the relationship dynamic in ways you don't want.
Depending on the level of social skill you're dealing with, when FJs suddenly get caught feeling like they don't know how to help, some may simply back off or give up, some may double down and get overbearing, while others may start to make the situation about themselves and complicate matters further. You can avoid all of this by being mindful of the emotional impact of your communications.
To avoid sounding too negative, you could say that you genuinely appreciate their comfort (which isn't a lie because you understand their intentions) and then explain to them that there is an even better way they could comfort you. In essence, what you're doing is glossing over the fact that they "got it wrong" and actively directing their attention to more effective methods of help. When it comes to learning, people tend to respond better to encouragement than criticism.
Timing
This is about choosing the most receptive time to get your message across. Venting creates a negative emotional atmosphere, which is not a bad thing per se, but the increased effort that goes into processing negativity means people have less mental energy left over for learning new things or hearing something unexpected.
If you want people to be receptive to your needs, it is best to teach and explain during periods when emotions aren't too distracting. Since FJs are highly sensitive to emotional atmosphere, they are most receptive to messages when the atmosphere is positive or at least comfortable.
You either have to bring the issue up right at the start of the venting session before negative emotions have escalated to the forefront of the conversation, or you have to bring it up later once emotions have calmed down. The middle of a venting session is the worst time because it easily tips the emotional load from manageable to unmanageable for the listener. You also run the risk of incurring a negative reaction that you're ill-equipped to handle because you're too focused on your own feelings at that moment.
In terms of a longer term solution, another thing you could do is improve your emotional intelligence by learning to express your complaints earlier, before emotions have escalated to extremes. Introverts tend to process internally, which has advantages and disadvantages. One advantage is you're not constantly bothering people with your feelings. But one disadvantage is you tend to bottle things up to the point of having to vent.
If you were able to be mindful of your feelings and express them in a more timely and productive manner, you wouldn't need to vent. I'm not saying venting is wrong or that you don't have a right to vent, rather, the point here is that venting isn't the best or most efficient way to solve a problem or get help for solving a problem. In other words, try to tackle life's problems sooner rather than letting them fester.
Remember that activities like listening to venting and comforting people are called emotional labor. Some people have greater capacity to shoulder emotional labor than others. FJs tend to believe that willingness to perform emotional labor is an important part of relationship building, so you shouldn't hesitate to seek out their help.
But as much as any given individual wants to help, human beings only have so much mental energy for processing negative emotions. An important part of being a good friend is being mindful of whether you're overloading someone's emotional capabilities. You can help people help you by choosing the best time to bring up concerns.
Lol yes it’s back! A lot of people seemed to really like those posts, so I thought I'd do an update since I found a couple more examples recently. However this time I'm gonna compile them all into this one post instead doing individual all over again lol. I compiled a pretty good list so I hope you guys like it! Also Happy 69th post! Woohoo! 🥳 (Yes I’m childish like that lmao)
Carlos de Vil (INFP) and Jane (ISFJ) - Descendants
Ashlynn Ella (INFP) and Hunter Huntsman (ISFP) - Ever After High
Sybil Crawley (INFP) and Tom Branson (ENTP) - Downtown Abbey
Furukawa Nagisa (INFP) and Okazaki Tomoya (ISFP) - Clannad
Allison Cameron (INFP) and Gregory House (INTJ) - House M.D
(I was hesitant to put this one bc they technically weren't really ever a thing but they did have feelings for each other)
Allison Cameron (INFP) and Robert Chase (ISTP) - House M.D
Allen Ginsberg (INFP) and Lucien Carr (ENFP) - Kill Your Darlings
I was hesitant to include them as well because they have a complex relationship, but I don't wanna spoil lol. So for those of you who do know what I mean, I'd honestly just say it depends on your pov (like with house and cameron).
Agustin (INFP) and Julieta (ISFJ) Madrigal - Encanto
Cameron James (INFP) and Bianca Stratford (ESFJ) - 10 Things I Hate About You
Izumi Miyamura (INFP) and Kyouko Hori (ESFJ) - Horimiya
Kou Sakuragi (INFP) and Naoya Nifuji (ENFJ) - Wotaki
**Note, I think most of their screen time together as a couple is in the OVA
Dorthy Boyd (INFP) and Jerry Maguire (ESFJ/ENFJ)
It's been a while since I've seen the movie but ik he's def Fe dom.
Mia Thermopolis (INFP) and Michael Moscovitz (ISFP) - Princess Diaries
Mia Thermopolis (INFP) and Nicholas Devereaux (ESTP) - Princess Diaries 2
Alrighty that's it for now lol
Let me know what you think! :) Feel free to share any thoughts or recommendations!
This question has been sitting in my Answer Later box for an eternity. 😊 I’ve answered similar questions and I was hoping to come up with something different from what I’ve already written. Let’s see…
💗 What do I look for in a partner (as an INFP) 💗
Kindness. More than anything I need to be with a partner who is kind. I can’t deal with anyone who teases people, is passive-aggressive, or a bully. I like someone who doesn’t mind helping others or won’t make fun of a person in a mean way for their natural faults. If my partner wishes to buy a friend who is low on money an order of food or spend time in chat getting their troublesome computer to work - my heart has completely melted. 😍
Self-awareness. I am attracted to the ability of a person to be aware of who they are. They know their boundaries, their strengths, and their limits. They can take a step back from themselves and see the whole picture and where they fit within it. One of my favorite phrases is “I’ve been thinking about my thoughts”.
Humour. It would be near impossible to get through life without seeing the humour in it all. Finding double meanings and innuendoes, having personal in-jokes that only we understand. Looking at each other while in a social setting and knowing that your partner is seeing the same funny scenario in the situation. That wondrous eye sparkle. *happy sigh*
Genuine. I adore a person who can remain true to who they are - especially within this society. They aren’t putting on airs or trying to be like everyone else.
Responsible. I no longer put up with people who use whiny excuses and blame others instead of accepting responsibility for their own actions. If you did something, fess up and fix it. Responsible people aren’t as common as you might think. I have great respect for such a person.
Encouraging. There’s nothing like having your own personal fan club. 😊 It’s comforting to give each other encouragement to reach our individual and joint goals.
Open-minded. It’s nice to be close to someone who accepts your potentially odd thoughts and beliefs. I couldn’t live with a partner who automatically shuts me down every time I opened my mouth to share. If they wish to listen and even explore those paths with me, they have braided themselves to my soul.
Overall, I look for a soul who knows me intimately and wants to keep knowing more. Someone who walks the same path, has similar desires, sees the same picture, and wants to grow continuously alongside me.
We help each other, share, support, listen, and learn while we breathe out our minuscule existence into this universe. Perfection. 💞
Thanks for the question! 🥰
Lots of related questions- 😁
What qualities does an INFP look for in a person they're attracted to romantically?
What are perks of dating an INFP?
Which qualities of INFP personality type attracts other people?
How does an INFP know when they are in love?
How will an INFP know they don't want to be in a relationship anymore?
What do INFP value least in a relationship?
Who is the ideal match for an INFP?
What do INFPs need in a relationship?
If The Types Came with an Instruction Manual: INFP Edition
Congratulations! You are now the proud owner/friend of an INFP! Here are a few things to take note of with your new best friend! Oh, you didn’t know INFP was now your best friend? Well now you do, because if you have one, it’s going to stay by your side for pretty much ever.
1. Your INFP comes with the innate ability to scope out good and bad! This particular model is very good at determining whether or not a person is being truthful and genuine or totally fake! You just acquired a lie detector as well. Your INFP will be able to break a person down in about 5 minutes flat !On top of that, they will warn you as well like the little Golden retrievers they are!
2. Your INFP is an INTROVERT! This means that more often than not, your INFP is going to be just as happy staying in and watching a movie by his or her self, than going out. So remember to keep the super social things down to a small amount or this will drain your INFPs battery.* They tend to like one on one things or a small group often a maximum of 3-5. Be sure to ask INFP how they feel. Be prepared for a 30 minute conversation.
*CAUTION: If INFP loves you, INFP will try to force itself to go to gatherings so as to make you happy. Then you will not see INFP for a week or more. Be careful with INFPs willingness to participate as likely they do it for you.
3. INFP cares Deeply!! Your INFP comes standard with the ability of caring too much and too deeply. Usually this trait makes them resent themselves more than anything, but when they find that person who appreciates them for it, they become very happy and stick to you like glue. Please be sure to listen to INFP when they speak and try your best to understand them, because 99.9999% guaranteed, your INFP listens to you and remembers most everything you like and dislike.
4. Your INFP usually likes one of the following:
Writing, drawing, music, etc.
This is a way your INFP expresses themselves, and is a very important thing to them. There is a 40% chance that INFP will show you there art/writing/music choices one day. When/If they do, know that INFP finds you very special, as this is very uncommon and you have become the chosen one.
5. Your INFP is obsessed with something. No really, your INFP has something that it loves and expresses said love for it. Whether it is something as small as a fascination with rocks to a unhealthy love of rainbows. Please indulge this. INFP will show this feature the more you spend time with them.
Pro Tip: If you get a gift for INFP that involves said obsession, you will become their favorite person ever and will likely keep with gift in a place and remember you every time they look at it. Plus they will likely never expect you to do this for them.
6. Your INFP is not good at confrontation. Your INFP DOES NOT like confrontation and will do anything to avoid it. They are diplomats and they keep true to the title. They try to make peace in bad situations and can often stop fights by being the nuetral go between. They are able to see both sides of the coin and will try their best to make everyone happy. Please avoid confrontation to spare INFPs becoming mentally exhausted/Upset/using every emotion they have and know of...
7. INFPs are VERY GOOD AT CONFRONTATION. (Yes we are aware of what was stated above in 6) While INFP does not like confrontation, when a friend of INFP has been wronged, it is as if something snapped in INFP and suddenly INFP will become bullet proof and will destroy its target. In plain terms, your Golden Retriever has now switched to full on Rottweiler guard dog mode. If you want this action not to be completed on your behalf, you must tell INFP before it annihilates the person that has wronged you. They have a very hurtful almost eerie way of completing this action and It is not pretty. Distract INFP with something shiny or its favorite thing to spare the person.
8. Your INFP in the embodiment of the word contradiction. (See 6 &7)
Your INFP can be decisive and indecisive on the same day at basically the same time. One moment your INFP will be meek and mild like a lamb about one thing, and as vicious as a bear protecting it’s young about another. This is normal and in time will become less and less surprising.
Pro Tip: Don’t try to change this quality. It actually adds to INFPs quirkiness and overall personality. Plus their feelings WILL get hurt
9. Your INFP is very strong and can be very stubborn, but will cave if they love a person. Treat your INFP with care as their love for you will make them give in to doing most of what you want to make you happy. Consult with your INFP to be sure what you re doing/planning makes them happy too. More often than not it will, but they will appreciate the consideration and only love you more. (Be prepared for a 15-30 minutes conversation and possible tangents)
10. Your INFP needs to talk to you! Your INFP has a habit of keeping everything in. In their mind, the less they trouble you with their problems, somehow to them makes it better for everyone else. If left unchecked, INFP will slowly erode and self destruct and feel unloved and misunderstood. You must ask them how they are doing and spend one on one time with them often. It would be simple if asking how your INFP was as simple as asking “how are you?” But it is NOT. You must sometimes be a little forceful. Show that you care.
Pro Tip: Invite INFP over for bonding time. Give them a warm cup of coffee/tea and a cozy place to sit. Be ready to listen.
CAUTION! This will likely take from 2-8+ hours. Make a day for it!
These are the top 10 instructions for your new INFP friend! We would post more, but sadly the model INFP comes with 75 additional volumes each with 700+ pages per volume! But this is a good way to get started and get to knowing your new INFP!
Have fun with your new friend and Congratulations!
What are the ship dynamics of ISTP-INFP relationship??
Each the reverse of the other's shadow, ISTPs and INFPs are the least alike you can get. In the expanded theory of Myers-Briggs, this pairing is known as “Enigma”, and in Socionics, it’s denominated “Super-ego”.
This pairing will generally be characterized by differing values, discomfort, and mutual misunderstanding. Partners in these relationships are often fascinated or terrified by their partners lack of similarity to themselves, and they are constantly aware of their total opposition in values to the partner; people close to the pair are often similarly aware. (a)
When presented with the same scenario, Enigma pairs follow parallel lines of reasoning in reverse order. A good metaphor for this is one person interpreting a glass as half full while the other interprets it as half empty; Enigma pairs will arrive at the same conclusion with opposite interpretations. For ISTPs and INFPs, this will likely result in an agreement to disagree and an avoidance of meaningful confrontation until boundaries are crossed. However, this can develop into a relaxed relation in which the ISTP and INFP do not expect their comfort zones to be pushed. They may see their relationship as a playful and exotic reprieve or a safe and casual familiarity.
ISTPs and INFPs are simpatico in their pursuit of internal compatibility and may perceive this in a “game recognize game” sense. While the ISTPs seek comprehension, INFPs strive for conviction. The INFP will admire the ISTP’s logical lucidity, and the ISTP will regard the INFP’s integrity as meritable.
As a couple the ISTP and INFP will augment each other’s antics, the INFP offering insight through imagination and the ISTP contributing know-how to make dreams a reality. Expect shenanigans, and not just run-of-the-mill shenanigans: out-of-the-box shenanigans with impressive execution. As two developed individuals, the ISTP will help the INFP navigate the world with accuracy, and the INFP will help the ISTP decide what they stand for. They will respect and uphold each other’s headspace, privacy, and individuality.
However, as two undeveloped individuals, the relationship is unlikely to move past superficial– they likely won’t even bat an eye at each other. If they do take a mutual interest, antagonism may escalate into psychological abuse from the ISTP and emotional abuse from the INFP. The ISTP will bully the INFP for perceived incompetence, and the INFP will guilt trip the ISTP without restraint.
To avoid these pitfalls, to be blunt, both need to suck it up and go to therapy. ISTP will do well in CBT-style therapy and INFP will thrive with DBT-style.
Thanks for the request, feel free to send more asks in the future!
(a) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Socionics
**EDIT: I found out that Tipoplo (ISTP) has now been dating an INFP for a year! So while unusual, it's not impossible to make work :)
I’m 19 and I’ve never been in a relationship. And I know it’s ok. Part of me feels pressure to date because of our society that puts romantic love on a pedestal, and part of me feels left behind from my peers. But I love spending time with myself, and until I find someone that will be worth it, I’ll continue to be a single pringle. I try to remind myself that there’s no shame in following my own path at my own pace.
i’m addicted to people who hate me. or i hate them. i was reluctant to type infp for awhile bc i’m drawn to high Se users and learned to emulate them, but i never quite fit in with them (or anyone) and always end up hating everyone i’m around. or feeling so little in their presence. i love men who can’t love me. mostly xSxP men, and they like me because i’m generous and devoted enough to act stupid for them. i realized i’ve wasted my life on the wrong people wanting the wrong things, and don’t know how to shift gears. i’ve never once been happy around anyone in my life — which is on me. i’m just so sad.
I would definitely make a decision to see a counselor and go from there. I think learning your self worth is important to change that and to get you out of that mindset.
