it's so crazy that i spend my life expecting myself to become some notable person through art/writing, punishing myself for "not trying," as if i haven't also been discouraged against becoming an artist/writer
but all the people who led to me being alive today were just farmers and seamstresses. a few tailors, a gardener. the most notable positions ive found were a farm steward and a carriage driver. some of them just spent their days Digging Holes.
and i'll never know what went on inside their minds as they went about all that work. but. the standards for our existence today are really fucking high when you think about it. like why are so many 13 year olds trying to become famous online?
i doubt my great-great-great-grandmother was concerned about shit like Social Networking and Media Sponsorships. she just. sewed. helped on the farm. taught her children. repaired the farmhand's clothes when they came home from work. maybe made her child a beautiful dress outfit for a special event -like my great-grandfather, a tailor, did for my grandmother (even tho he was a Total Piece of Shit).
she just passed on her skills and what she learned from life. maybe she was discontent and yet kind like me, or maybe she was happy and carefree, maybe she was stern and strict. i don't know. but she didn't have to do anything grand in her lifetime for it to still matter now.
and those things i don't know, can't know - who they were as people, not just their roles in the community/family... those are the things that matter in our lives while we have them. whether we're kind. whether we're trustworthy. whether we're the defender, bystander, or aggressor. idk. am i making sense
the life you live isn't a big deal but who you are is















