#intrusions

[thatpollguy]

If your intrusive thoughts had a physical texture, what would it be?

Sharp like broken glass

Gritty like sand in your bed

Sticky like fly traps

Gelatinous like congealed blood

Slippery like black ice

Spiky like a porcupine's quills

Porous and brittle like volcanic rock

I have aphantasia and can't visualise or imagine this

Voting ended onMar 2

[littledeathpriestess]

I get a lot of suicidal intrusive thoughts that have little to no weight to them, they're just leftover from the bad days

I worried looking too hard at snuff kink stuff would exacerbate the thoughts or bring the feelings back

But it's actually giving me something to disarm the thoughts with

Because I can meet "I'm going to fucking kms" with "that would be a waste, save your death for someone who would savour it"

(save it for @bubblegumgothglados . Save it for @growlingven . Save it for something really funny. Something terrible. Something I couldn't pull off impulsively or alone.)

And then my brain's just like "...fair point" and I get to carry on about my day

[surviving-trauma-day-by-day]

It took me months to realize that I experience multiple "small" flashbacks each day.

With small flashbacks I mean suddenly having strong emotions like fear, horror, disgust, helplessness, shock and despair or physical reactions like my heart racing, being unable to breathe, trembling and nausea or thoughts like "I need to get away" and similar things. Emotions, physical reactions and thoughts that make me feel like I'm back in the moment I was raped. They are intense and disturbing and sometimes make me unable to do anything for hours - but I'm still consciously aware that I'm not actually back in the traumatic situation.

I also mean the sudden "shadow" sensation of my rapist's hands on my body or his dick inside of me - these are extremely distressing, sometimes last for hours and are being accompanied by strong disgust and fear.

I also mean suddenly seeing pictures of my rape in front of my eyes, like myself from above in his bed or the ceiling of his room.

For a long time I didn't understand those were flashbacks even though they are very disturbing and make my life a lot harder.

But I thought only the "big" flashbacks are real flashbacks. The ones when I'm suddenly entirely back in the situation. I only have those relatively rarely. But they tend to destroy me so much I don't recover for days.

[loathsome-forgotten-tbd]

i am a kind person

i’m afraid to be anything else

i am calm, patient

anger runs underneath every thought in my mind, for myself, for others, for nothing but itself, burning its way through my veins because i refuse to let it out, eating me from the inside

i won’t cross the line

-on my own, on my own. but i fantasize of the day someone pushes me over it and i can let go, go too far, when i have an excuse

it’s alright, i can take it, your pain, your anger

you never gave me a choice, i showed myself capable and you gave and gave and gave and pushed it all onto my shoulders, confident i wouldn’t stumble if it meant release everything i hold dear into the abyss below

i smile, i don’t cry, don’t scream

i keep that all on the inside until my mind rips itself into pieces in an attempt to let it out and i name them and love them for the brief moments they no longer give me the choice to hide

i won’t burden you with my pain

i can’t, i don’t know how, it hurts more than the things you did to me to see that i caused you pain with your own actions

i am agreeable, palatable even, few people dislike me when i speak with them

i fear the day they see into me, that they find the places i relax even an ounce of control, the dark hidden spaces where i speak the truth. i think they sense the distance i have to keep.

i try and try and try to rip the mask off before it suffocates me but it is stuck to my skin, my muscles, drilled into bone. how much will i lose if i get it off? how much? is it worth it? i just want to be seen, to be free. i am covered in my own blood and it burns like acid

i’m fine.

i will get this thing off me if it kills me

[random-xpressions]

I often do a thorough x-ray scan for almost every thought of mine but somehow there is one mystery which still remains unraveled as to how you manage to creep into my head because often your entry is quite invisible and often goes unnoticed as through which gate did you enter or should I be drawing the conclusion that you have always been there, in a quiet unknown corner of my mind...

Random Xpressions

[mrvelocipede]

Botober 2022 halloween prompt #24. Intrusive amethyst

Intrusive rocks are characterized by large crystal sizes.

[louisevanhoenacker]

Louise Vanhoenacker, ‘Intrusion 3′ (2020). pencil, ink and gouache on paper