Today was another day. I be existing and stuff lmao
Im so happy because things are starting to feel a bit real and I'm so excited yet nervous about things. I feel like I will mess things up and ruin things because I've always been awful at first impressions and at times don't have the best facial expressions and reactions and it causes misunderstandings. I just want things to go well so I will stay optimistic about things the best I can tired of being a downer.
I'm just lonely and empty and hate myself right now. Nothing to really do about that but live with it, it seems. It feels like this is just my normal state in others eyes including myself. I'm just yeah it's just all tiring and I feel like I can't say anything because if I can't address my own feelings and pain then how could I expect others to help. I think I just want comfort but at the same time it feels very much like that is an impossible ask. That there is nothing I or anyone else can do to give myself comfort and all I can do is try to distract myself and make it through until who knows what. I don't really see things changing even momentary happiness just disappears quickly unless I force myself to act happy.
God I feel dramatic and I just don't understand why I'm starting to be so sensitive and quick to feel disconnected and alone when it's never like that.
I don't like being alone with my thoughts or myself it feels. My self hatred is probably making that so. Oh well, tomorrow is another day and another day of dramatic lumi
