Try putting yourself in Jax's shoes //im gonna be sick
Imagine: your loved ones, your family, suddenly died. Everything is over, no one is left. And you are so shocked that your brain blocks this memory and all emotions — it shuts down so as not to explode.
Nothing makes sense anymore; meaning died with them. Everything around you becomes empty; you feel neither good nor bad emotions. The world stopped at that moment. The only thing that exists is distraction, in which you have to run, fight, roleplay and complete tasks.
And you dive into it very actively: your brain thinks only about what is happening at this second. It helps.
When this distraction breaks down or becomes monotonous, you get tired, sad and angry. Without distraction all you feel is pain in your chest and deadly fatigue.
At some point during the distraction, you run with someone on the team. They are fun, interesting, and you work well together. They are so similar to your family that you feel at home and safe again. Calm.
And then you take first place together and this person hugs you.
The contact brings you back to your senses and all the memories come flooding back. You are still emotionally numb, but you realize that positive feelings are associated with fear, horror, unbearability and pain on a subconscious level.
The closeness is comparable to a forest fire, to the end of the world all over again. There is emptiness and deadly silence before your eyes.
You involuntarily break free, pushing the person away from you. Muffled feelings, like a crack in the ice, begin to surface, and you are terrified.
The person tries to make contact again, but you are no longer there, it is not you. It has not been you for a long time.
You try to escape from a danger that cannot be escaped, which is not even a danger. You scream, you shout insults, just to drive these feelings away.
You sit down in a secluded place. The pain does not go away, it drips and drips onto your inflamed brain, stinging more and more each time.
You can no longer keep it inside: you rush into the bathroom and turn on the water to calm your mind. This day has affected you, keeping up appearances is now not only difficult, it has ceased to matter.
Of course, you still try to squeeze something out of yourself, but everyone, even those detached, is beginning to notice that something is wrong.
This hole is bigger than you, heavier. You completely distance yourself, existing by inertia.
This tether to the departed refashions grief into a strange, enduring intimacy.
You are as if in a delirium: death beckons, it seems comfortable and soothing. You realize that it has long been more attractive than reality.
You have no strength left. You give up.
Despite the monstrous situation, you smile.
