#jelli rants

[queertics]

I fucking hate when im guilted by people because i cant function.

I don't refuse to keep my room clean - something about it is just so fucking difficult for me that it never lasts for more than two weeks. It never has.

Its not like i didnt put so much effort into my late essay - its not like I was just being fucking lazy. Something about jt is just so fucking difficult that i completely shut down and feel incapable of anything.

Im not being lazy. Ive been severely burnt out because ive had no clue how to work efficiently without constantly working at my best 24/7 for fucking school, and i only ever get a proper recharge during summer break.

I dont know how to dole out how much i work on something. I cant just put a little effort in. If its an essay or a piece of art like that it needs my full focus with no interuptions or it will never get done.

And writing essays on books i dont care about and explaining things i dont csre about to teachers who have read this exact same essay years before - its just too much. Im not even interested in the topic. Nothing is motivating me. I just get more burnt out.

I hate that i cant keep my room and myself clean for very long.

I hate that i feel incapable of doing large projects in school without having multiple breakdowns.

But its worse when i keep telling myself that im just not disabled enough. That im /not/ dysfunctional at all, really, and actually im coping with all of this perfectly fine! And actually you have nothing to worry about because your doing so FUCKING WELL!!

But im not. Its only been this year that i havent felt like im fucking drowning in my own inability to function. And even then, every nit-pick, every "I dont ask much of you, you know," when i forget to take a fucking shower, every time my room is called a filthy fucking pig pen - i internalize that.

I internalize a lot of things.

I thought i was just being sensitive. And difficult. And whatever. But it turns out its just. I cant control a lot of things about myself and theres not much i can do about it right now. Stop criticizing me everytime i display that i, a disabled adhder, live dysfunctionally. Because i do. And im doing the best i can.

Dont ever fucking tell somebody how they sre actually doing. If they say they dont actually feel like their coping, they probably arent.

I know i havent been. Ive been repressing. It wasnt until i started a sport that i fucking started expressing my anger issues because i am also medicated for anxiety.

My ADHD affects my life greatly. I hate that i dont feel disabled enough to ask for more help with my issues at school.

[jelli-day]

Hey reminder if you keep outdoor cats your a fucking animal abuser and i hate you. If you cant handle keeping your cats inside dont have a fucking cat.

[grape-jelli-bug]

School rant #1

Can recess come back for older students?

Please?

Can older students be allowed to havr fun please?

I know theres a lot more to learn, but i also know its gonna be a lot easier if im allowed to decompress during the day so i dont have to spend all afternoon doing it (instead of homework)

Seriously

I dont even care if this makes the school day an hour or so longer

We dont even need a playground

Just time to decompress and talk to friends at school. Because a job isnt all work either; you dont need to work to *earn* your social life

Is work important? Yes, absolutely

But so is morale??? And i think its on most peoples interests to be able to choose what works for them

The recess could even be optional

Students who want to be able to decompress during the day can do so, other students who want it all done in a block can do so.

School, especially for older students, needs to be more flexible because "real life" is not nearly as regimented. Being able to find ways to cope with stress in a time where your just about to become part of society is important.

I cant do much about this currently, as im still a student, but I'd like to.

School doesn't have to be the way it is. We can make it enjoyable. But nobody is trying or paying enough attention to make changes.

[jelli-day]

Im sorry but folks. If you think pansexuality is transphobic, fucking why? What about it? What greta misunderstanding happened that this happened? Whats the reasoning? How did you get to this conclusion? Because i want to know the genuine reasoning as a pansexual.

[jelli-day]

I think kts really important for americans to know that GoodRX exists to make your medication much less expensive and ordering through there is honestly better. I dont know the specifics BUT i know that it helps a lot!!!!!! American buddies pls tell me if you do or dont

[jelli-day]

Tumblr wont let me message or reply to things, since it thinks im a bot, but i really do appreciate the comments you guys left on the post about my adhd struggles, with being unable to do things. Its been so nice seeing other comments 🤍. Im so glad people have been able to relate to this post so heavily, even though it really was just angry shouting into the void that nothing in particular triggered. This post has like the most notes ive ever made and im kinda glad! I love seeing all of you guys and your thoughts, how you relate, how oddly hard this hit for some of you. Love and support from me and my Aloe (Jeremy and John), and here's to having each other.

Its made me so happy to see other people and their thoughts and reactions. Unfortunate its a shared experience, since it really does suck, but.. its nice to know that im not the only one, you know? That im not just being a prick or lazy.

So, here's to adhd! And all of its pros and cons.

Tagging just so you folks can see this

@netches-and-nirnroots

@kamillsworld

@sevrynth

@ray48uk

(i hope you dont mind..i just really appreciated it and wanted to let you folks know about it.)

[jelli-day]

Ive spent so long just being like "i want big fluffy wings" and "i want na extra set of arms too! >:(" And upsettingly wishing i could waggle a little tail and be fluffy and o just fucking realized im a Moth Gf[tm]

https://images.app.goo.gl/z2ViztKeqMaF6yQVA

I mean!? Look at it!!!

I can be fuckin somft and ANTENNAE!!!!!!!! 💞💞🥴 I think im. Idk what this is or what this means help

[jelli-day]

Hey this is a personal reminder that sometimes it's okay to give up. Some battles are not worth fighting for. You hear so many "never give up!"'s but like, if its not serving you to keep trying, and its hurting and jt doesnt seem like it will do anything, stop doing it.

And this doesnt mean like, give up on life, or recovery, or whatever. Its more like, if somebody in your life and is causing some sort of problem, instead of trying to correct the behavior (like reporting to hr or whatever) and have it not work, maybe you're better off just leaving. Maybe that job you dreamed of as a child that you dont care for anymore is worth giving up on. If somebody you love is hurting you in some way, if you've already tried to make them change and be better, give up and leave.

Sometimes the effort doesnt serve you.

I guess by this i just mean know when its worth it to move on

Its taken some time for me to learn what is and isnt worth my limited energy due to my Narcolepsy. But i think everybody should be able to learn thay even if they aren't disabled. I feel like that might make the world a better place