like most nights, she’s barely able to keep her eyes closed. within the long hours, the fading of night to day, she listens well to the way seolhyun’s rustling on the other side of her stills and wanes. jihyun’s glad she’s not the only one restless as the day of their debut nears. in just a few hours they’d have to wake and prepare.
and in a blink of an eye, it comes too soon. just a second ago, she had thought she was lying, sleepless in her bed -- fingers folded over the comforter as she watched dizzying blotches be made along their ceiling. the next she was standing backstage, getting mic-ed and fussed over because of how the button on her microphone pack wasn’t snapping in.
it was all happen too fast, was she even ready?
in the back of her mind, her worries tumble in. did her cousins, jeno and hyunjoon, get to the venue alright -- did sunmi end up coming? did rome manage to? was all her rehearsing enough? what if her voice cracked? or worse -- what if she tripped during the change in formations. they were all fears whose realizations had come startlingly too clear moments before the beginning.
they had gone through the pre-showcase conference as smoothly as it could have went. she replied as polite and as honestly as she could without giving away too much. she evaded the dating questions with ease, ‘ah, dating? i don’t really have much time for that -- i have too much love for my fans for a personal relationship.’ sparking laughter more than she should have -- probably winking a little too much, flirting far too often with her fans. but alas, it was all done with -- what could she do now that it was over.
jihyun tries to breath, once through the nose and the rest out between plump lips, wetten by a nervous tongue. this was an opportunity of a lifetime and it had come all too soon.
it was time.
she can feel her tears prickling at the corners of her eyes and it takes all her might to not cry then and there. didn’t she promise them she’d keep her tears for after the showcase? for after their debut stage on the music programs they were to head over to? she had so many promises up her sleeve and a world of expectations on her shoulders, they were so many and in them, jihyun found herself faltering. teeth digging deep into the red of her bottom lip, coloring it white.
she was going to be strong, she was the leader -- she didn’t have any other choice.
they gather together, huddled so closely jihyun could feel their heat. so close, she wondered if they could hear the erratic beating of her troublesome heart. or was it painstakingly clear on her face how absolutely terrified she was feeling? it was like no other -- an emotion that raked her entire being, something, quite honestly, jihyun had never once felt before.
this was different. she wanted to have only one beginning -- and today, it would be it.
today was the day -- they were finally going to make their debut: and it terrified her.
she gulps as shoulders brush against hers, and she’s closing her eyes tight. had she ever felt such a fear like she did now?
jihyun was practically shaking, a slight buzz in her step as she looks around at the others -- each face an emotion varying from her own. a mixture of excitement, adrenaline, and nerve-wracking volumes were raging among them. another buzz to add to her already intoxicated state.
she was the leader -- she should say something right? somewhere, somehow she finds her voice. a cough spilling from parted lips as she musters up a smile in the midst of her nerves. jihyun doesn’t even know where to start. “can you believe it, guys?”
“we’re finally here.” she almost whispers but it’s louder in her ears than ever. it’s repetitive, rewinding itself over and over again as she stumbles over her next words and the tears are in her throat again. “we all practiced so hard for the past seven months, and even more before that. we all want this, and today is the day we take what’s ours.” her voice softens, eyes downcast as she tries to repress the tears from coming once more -- they’re there, threatening to breach but she keeps her foot down, hands tightening around eunae’s as a precaution. “i am so happy it’s you guys that are standing beside me because there’s no way i could have made it through the last few months without any of you by my side.” her laughter smothers her voice, enough that eyes go thin and her lips spread far too wide that her hands tighten around the others’ tighter, harder to keep her ingrained on reality. hands loosen so they can loop around the other’s shoulders in another form of attachment as she glances from left to right, each face now drawn on the very back of her hand, for the next six years -- they were luxe.
“we did it!” she squeals in a way that’s oddly reminiscent of that old legally blonde character, elle woods and it has her shaking her head -- and her nerves -- because of it.
“today, tonight, tomorrow -- we’re luxe, and we’re going to motherfucking shine so bright -- they’re not going to have any choice but to look away.” she hushes the curse on her lips and smiles just as bright; shaky fingers raking through her hair before she momentarily realizes she had messed up the muse the stylists had made for her. she feels seolhyun’s fingers combing it back into place and jihyun’s hip habitually bumps into hers in thanks before her eyes graze the others once more, admiration shining so proudly in obsidian black. a magnification of their emotions spilling out of her in words flowing too quickly and perhaps a bit too breathlessly.
“luxe is love, luxe is life.” she laughs, quoting that one wretched shrek reference.
and in her laughter, their arms close around one another -- the hug making it harder to breath and she finds herself more light-headed than she already was. it lasts a second longer before they’re parting and moving towards the stage, pitch black and blind to their surroundings as the actual static of the audience fills in the silence that had invaded her eardrums.
it was now ( nevers no longer applied ) .
she squeezes eunae’s hand, again, a little reminder to keep herself grounded before finally letting go. she needed it -- to keep herself from floating too high into the sky, willing gravity to take it’s course over her body despite the flighty feeling turning in her stomach.
but where was the harm in flying so close to the sun? luxe would be her wings.
( hadn’t she always wanted to fly? )
it was time for her to take flight -- fingers hover over her ear monitor as she hears the music start up. it’s her personal favorite, 아슬해, that gets the ball rolling and jihyun can’t have it any other way.
the roar of applause, the crowd, themselves, is far larger, louder than she had expected. then it hits her, they were all there to see them, luxe -- the new girls on the block. they were all anticipating what they had to offer. and it was jihyun’s own determination that egged her on -- she didn’t want to disappoint.
the song is over faster than she’d like. the spotlight is hot, blistering on stage but jihyun can’t help feeling lighter than air as she takes the mic in her hands and bows almost immediately before rising, her signature ‘v’ sign flying close to her eyes as she winks at the crowd, “hello, i’m luxe’s cheri. goddess of the moon.” unlike the others, jihyun found herself struggling more -- wondering what title she could take up. it was probably more unrealistic on her part -- calling herself the moon goddess but soohyun had eased her into it.
( “you're the moon goddess!” soohyun had said, “a warrior protecting love and justice!” smile spilling over the screen during one of their daily facetime sessions. )
she liked to think she was keeping a part of soohyun with her as she took the moniker by name, plastered it onto her identity as a part of herself. she had always wanted soohyun beside her, at this moment, perhaps -- from this, she could be.
jihyun turns over the microphone as they begin picking favorites -- different songs rolling off of different tongues. her own favorite spoken finding a mate to bond over in the minutes they do so. jihyun can’t help but laugh as she smiles over at their youngest. “like xayah, mine is definitely thrilling. it just has that something. and it’s so different than our title that it really shows off our versatility, in a way. but i also love is still falls the rain, i think it’s a song a lot of people can relate to when they’re heartbroken and missing someone.”
still falls the rain is no other word but somber, yet it holds its notes in melancholy -- a sinking feeling of sadness, bittersweet tragedy that jihyun knows she should feel nostalgic to. but it doesn’t hold a candle to today, those feelings were once a part of her but as the song ends and her voice fades, so do those feelings. she lets go of her past to welcome her future. that was all she needed to think about today.
when the topic of memories comes about, jihyun finds herself fiddling with her thumbs in anticipation -- not that she was eager to share stories, intimate and affectionate as they all were with one another, moreso that she wasn’t sure which would be appropriate because of how intimate and affectionate they were with one another behind closed doors.
( also the fact that it spoke volumes on how loud they were when they were out of earshot from their company building and only had their manager to stop them )
“i think a lot of our memories revolve around food because a lot of us,” she eyes the girls pointedly, “love food. but another memory, and forgive that it is once again, about food -- is when seolhyun and seoyoung were trying to get us to eat a little more healthily. they tried to replace our rice with cauliflower! and of course, a lot of us -- having been so used to rice as being ... well, grains, were so shocked and refused to eat it. also because, well -- rice is rice, why would you want to change a good thing? it was to a point where we just had to say veto it. there was also the brownie incident -- and that also didn’t go very well ... let’s just say, i don’t think avocados and i are friends anymore.”
“and that time we all went to the bath house together but --” she presses a finger to her lips, a teasing grin on her lips. “i think you guys have heard enough of our adventures.”
the leader, fingers toying with the ends of her dark hair, leaves the rest for their imagination -- and slightly pales as she wonders if she’s left a little too much to be imagined. it’s something she dwells on more than she should, yet finds slipping through her fingers as she’s ushered away from the stage to prepare for their last act -- their title song.
the nerves from before are long gone because in just a few short minutes, the night would be over and jihyun would say that they had finally -- fucking finally -- debuted.
so, the breath departs from red lips when she hears dawon’s voice sound around the hall and a smile easily splits lips apart in a way that could only be from pride. the motions she’s practiced day in and day out the past seven months begin -- muscle memory taking over more than anything as she presses her fingers against the mic taped to her cheek.
when she flies to the center her grin is almost immediate, crystal white as she sings -- fingers all the more ready to press into her cheek as she belts out note after note, the harmonized backtracking she hears urge further. the added support all she needs as she sings the words that are more than memorized, they’re a part of her daily repertoire these days. she couldn’t even speak without thinking of the words in the song.
jihyun can feel the adrenaline beneath her fingertips, through her veins, raging against her beating heart. it was almost over.
˟ ✦ —————— I’M FEELING IT, I FEEL GOOD
the start of the beginning, she thinks as she’s breathing hard when the song fades and the lights fade from spotlights to gleam over the stage as a whole.
as they stand at the end, her tears are again at the corners of her eyes. and she’s at the last of her wits to keep them from falling, she’s emotional -- far too much to be controlled as she holds the microphone in her hands. her small, shaking hands that quiver at each word she speaks.
“thank you so much for coming to our debut showcase! please anticipate more from luxe as we continue our journey as idols. listen to luv game, please buy our album and stream happily! we’re extremely thankful everyone came out to see us and we’ll do our absolute best to never let you down. we’d like to thank everyone for coming to see us, to noh jihoon sunbaenim for helping us with mc-ing for this very special event, to our staff and managers for sticking with us and continuing to do so and most importantly, to our ceo, so jisub sajangnim, for believing in us and wholeheartedly entrusting us the title of luxe. we could only shine so bright because of your faith in us, thank you so much.” she bows, her hand on her heart; feeling the heavy thumps beneath the pads of clammy fingertips. her breathing growing even heavier as she feels the tremble in her lips. “from the bottom of our hearts, thank you so much, again. and please get home safely. bye, for now ~ !”
when it was all said and done, as the lights on the stage finally give out and they’re behind curtains do the tears fall and all jihyun wants are for strong arms to wrap tight -- never let me go -- around her.
WELCOME TO THE MGAS // episode five . . #4011 - 김진희.* KIM JINHEE.
━━━━━━ . . . HATE MONSTER, 4MINUTE x EXO TEAM STYX.
this round, jei’s just full of mixed feelings.
on the one hand, there’s the bitter taste of failure. it sinks into her bloodstream like a poison when she hears that they’re in the bottom for their performances this week, which means that someone is going home. jei can only hope that it’s her, that none of the boys on her team have to suffer such a cruelty when they just want to follow their dreams. this is their dream, it isn’t hers. life though, is cruel - or maybe the judging panel is crueler. how can they say that she has more talent than jeno does? how do they decide the tipping scale of who has more talent than another?
it’s frustrating, and terribly so, but jei can’t say anything at all. the only reaction she has is a tight pull of a frown on her lips and the way her brows knit together when jeno says goodbye to them one last time. if it was up to her, this wouldn’t be happening. if it was up to her, she’d be the one running free and he’d be the one staying to try another week. after all, that’s what jeno wants. it seems that in this world, what you want isn’t what you get.
so why does anyone do it? why make it a dream if all anyone does is get hurt on the path to victory? she seems to answer her own question, though - after all, jei’s never been one to take the easy path. if she’s a fighter for the things she wants, it makes sense that others would be, too.
for this, though? this isn’t a future jei has in mind, so it’s not something she wants to fight for. for all of jei’s devotion to her teams and making sure they try and get to safe places just because she doesn’t want to hold them back, it wasn’t enough. whether or not she wants this for herself, she still wants it for them. and that’s why it hurts, indefinitely, to see jeno walking from the stage and even after as the new teams are announced and she’s expected to go through this all again for one more week. hopefully, just one more.
and it’s on the other hand that there’s familiarity.
perhaps it’s a small reprieve, a little bit of mercy after two weeks of being thrown into the fires with people unknown. this time, for the first time in the entire competition, she’s been given someone she at least had the pleasure of an acquaintanceship with, and also - another girl, which would have been enough to make her content in and of itself. being given both feels a bit suspicious, like icing too sweet on a cake but jei has learned to take her blessings while she can on this show.
it’s only afterwards that jei realizes that it’s odd, considering she never really thought of anything on the mgas being a blessing in the first place. then she remembers sungwoon, hyunjin, and everyone else on her previous teams. oddly, jei thinks that maybe parts of the show weren’t so bad, after all.
THE WEEK BEGINS and jei starts to question her sanity. the thought that any of this could have been a blessing is obviously a stretch, and it’s proven in the first few minutes with the boys alone. this is by far the oddest team she’s ever been thrown into the fires with, and jei’s not sure she’ll be able to survive the first three days - let alone the week required to get to doomsday. for all her initial relief that came with at least knowing someone on her team, it did not save her from the variables of those she did not.
in fact, jei’s fairly sure the only purely sane one is doyeon, though that’s not really a surprise. after all, she’s female.
it all begins when they try to come up with team names, and that’s only just the start of jei’s suffering. somehow, they got on the idea of greek myths, probably from moon bin - which is fine on its own, of course. she actually enjoys mythology herself, as she had to study it in her courses for university, but when someone suggested team cerberus, it was the beginning of the end for her hopefully peaceful week.
after all, team cerberus was the birth of “ team woof”, which meant the birth of the boys barking in her face for a laugh on their own behalf. every time it happens, jei somehow manages to find a camera and the look on her face is one that says give me death. still, though, for all the joking aside, jei doesn’t say anything and allows them to have their fun.
fun with friends seems hard to come by in this competition, anyway. and if the fun and games don’t hinder the progress of their team in the long run, jei isn’t the kind to put a stop to it. but she is the kind of person who will look dead in the eyes every time someone tries to woof at her. she’s absolutely certain that this is a big plan concocted by moon bin to torture her because he’s scared of her, but that’s another story for a different day.
eventually, though, they go in a not so different direction with styx as their team name. not too different, of course, from cerberus who guards the gates of the damned but this is apparently a theme that they’re running with this week, considering the songs they’re mashing up are hate by 4minute and monster by exo. thankfully, minho knows well enough how to mix songs on his own and make a mashup because otherwise they’d be left to search blindly on the internet for one.
THIS WEEK, jei is asked to help with choreography considering her first stage with dynamiq was a unique one. this time though, she feels a little better about it - even though she considered the first stage a disaster because there was no one she could ask about skill levels and she only saw them doing well, at least this time there are a lot of strong dancers to be able to make suggestions if something doesn’t work or if it doesn’t match the skill of what they can do. even the least skilled of the five of them is still on the average side.
the problem is the theme. it’s nothing .. bad, not in the scope of the song and definitely not when it comes to the lengths of her creativity. it’s mostly just a bad concept in jei’s eyes, who would have preferred to trek the path of a more horror - based concept instead of a creepy nightmare of a twisted love gone wrong. there’s too many memories that surface with the idea of a toxic love, ones that she doesn’t really want to remember.
still, it’s what the team decided on, so she has to deliver.
which means more late nights. especially since this time, there’s a lot more singing involved than the past two weeks - it comes with the territory, probably, considering the mashup. there’s just a lot of singing, a lot of dancing, a lot of everything.
it’s something that jei has come to expect, being tired. but it’s more odd that she finds that no matter how late she comes in, the boys are still there doing their own practice. they too, must find fault in themselves that jei can’t see. after all, working hard is one thing but destroying yourself to clutch at safety is another thing entirely. thankfully, with a few days worth of convincing, she manages to get them to at least sleep in the corners of the practice room and to go home and shower once in awhile. no matter how important this is to them, and how important it is to the team, it’s not worth them getting sick over.
even if all they do is woof when they see her.
.. except haknyeon. he likes to say nyan. at this point, it’s like she’s begging the cameras to kill her when she looks at them.
it’s still early in the week when jei is seen looking completely flabbergasted. “ what is big dick energy.” the words don’t sound like a question even if they should be since she has absolutely no idea what the phrase means. they sound more like an accusation, mostly because jei feels like she should be offended. after all, the male anatomy isn’t really even that strong if the way men react to it is generally anything to go by.
they’re sitting around at dinner when moon bin tells her that she has .. whatever big dick energy is, all the while making minho practically howl with laughter. it makes her feel like she’s justified in feeling offended, because if it’s that funny certainly it’s not a compliment. her eyes narrow as she waits for a response, but of course, she doesn’t really get one. they’re too busy laughing amongst themselves, and jei simply sighs in defeat.
when will this week of hell be over? with all the jokes, she can barely even concentrate on her thoughts, or the things that linger in the back of her mind that haunt her when they go through their choreography together.
it’s only later that jei realizes that this is a good thing. even if jei will end the week still unsure about whether or not they were complimenting her with whatever big dick energy really is.
DOOMSDAY comes and there’s something that sits on her chest. whether it’s the thrill of the stage or the anxiety that will come later when the judges have to rate their performance, she’s not sure. the first time they critiqued her performance, they said that there wasn’t enough skill to go around to pull it off. this time, though, jei hopes they’ll say the opposite. they’ve all worked hard this week, and all the skills are there.
they just have to pull it off and prove it to them. in spite of the random behaviour throughout the week, it’s .. a little odd, but jei thinks that they actually worked well together. it can be seen in the quiet way she says woof before they leave the kt building for the final time before performing - maybe, just maybe, she cares about them a little after all. even if the whoops from the boys are a little embarrassing, she’ll accept it if it means that it makes them happy. if it helps them to relieve their stress even if by just a little.
perhaps sometimes a little comedy is good for the soul when you’re worrying about other things - like, competing against your own team, for example. or competing against members of your past teams that you’ve grown to care for. jei knows about this all too well, because she’s spent a lot of time lately thinking about how hyunjin is holding up, or how sungwoon has blamed himself like she did when she was a leader for dynamiq. her feelings can’t get in the way though. they can’t make her any less devoted to the team she has now.
competition is healthy, sometimes. she’s just not sure if it’s healthy in this stifled environment. jei thinks she’ll always hate the way the judges force a stage in the short timespan of just a week to decide whether or not the people on it are worthy of being kept around or not.
this time around, they’re team b so they don’t have to wait too long before it’s their turn to take the stage.
the first performance flies by though, and before jei can even think it seems, they’re the ones being led to perform. “ as above, so below; we are team styx -” the team introduction is one that was inspired by the horror aspect of their stage. then it’s the personal introductions, one by one. once upon a time, there was a point where jei thought the only thing important to know about her was just her number and her name. sungwoon taught her differently, and this week, she offered a suggestion to go along with their team introduction for something more personal.
to work on her own brand, if you will. it’s a little embarrassing, but it’s worth a shot. “ capturing your gaze so you can’t look away, i’m the medusa of team styx - #4011, kim jinhee.”
then, it’s time. they take their places on the stage, jei kneeling on the floor and the lights going completely dark save for the spotlight on her and doyeon, whose head is laying in her lap. she’s the one to start the song off, again - it needs to be a strong beginning, to prove that their stage isn’t one that the audience can look away from. her fingers are brushing through doyeon’s long hair as she looks down at the girl “ sleeping” in her lap, and begins to sing along with the music.
your eyes are telling me
liar liar liar, don’t lie to me
i don’t wanna know anymore
i don’t wanna know know know
not anymore, no no no, it’s over
their stage is one that leads the audience into a nightmare - doyeon’s nightmare. they pulled a lot of aspects from psychological horror and melded it with the concept of a toxic love, and funneled it into a dreamscape of the girl who faced an awful relationship and has trouble forming new ones, in spite of growing interest in those around her. the only one that she can trust is her best friend, her “ saviour” in it all.
it’s made clear that the villain of this story is moon bin, his dancing aggravated and angry to go along with the words that he sings. throughout the choreography, jei is by doyeon’s side or behind her, a memory and a belief that someone is always at your side when you need it most.
in her heart, jei knows this isn’t necessarily true, but it works for the choreography and their story, in any case.
her singing parts are always very distinct, and make an impact on the song as a whole, regardless of whether or not she has as many lines as doyeon and moon bin or not. it’s done purposefully this way - her role may be in the background, but always there. a reminder, that doyeon can be saved if she wants it.
i don’t wanna know
all the same excuses everyday
i don’t wanna do
all the same arguments everyday
it’s meaningless, i am tired
the choreography turns a little more wild after this. introducing haknyeon and minho into the storyline as potential suitors, but doyeon’s fear getting the worst of her - that’s their part in this story. through the movements, and the lyrics, it’s like they’re becoming new horror stories, similar to the one she had with moon bin - although far from true in the real world, it’s obvious on the stage. he’s a malevolent presence in all of this, guiding the other boys to destroy her heart with no remorse.
but jei won’t have it. after all, she’s the saviour.
by the end of the chorus and doyeon’s last line, she’s laying back down on the floor - a reminder that this is, again, just a dream no matter how nightmarish it may seem. but with every creeping line that bin sings, her body twists, turns, contorts - that is, until jei stands between them.
your eyes are telling me
i don’t wanna know know know
not anymore, no no no, it’s over
bin can’t get closer to doyeon this time, because jei brings him to his knees. not every nightmare has a perfect ending. not everyone can be saved. this time, though, doyeon lies still. this time, there can be a happy ending when the stage goes dark. jei just hopes that it’s enough to get them through to a safe spot.
💬mengqi98 did anyone watch the mga’s first episode? many of my friends were shown, so i’m feeling very proud of them ♡
#4016-ssi, i didn’t know you could dance so well with that lazy ass of yours! #4031, noona thinks you’re very cute i want to protect you! #4040 i’m cold so come cuddle me! ㅋ ㅋ ㅋ to my followers, please support my friends min yoongi, lee jeno, and my bestie chungha!
also, a few months ago, i bumped into a really pretty girl on the streets! she called me pretty too!! i should have asked for a photo or autograph because she was so pretty, i remember thinking she must have been famous ㅋ ㅋ ㅋ today, i saw her in royal’s new girl group’s first mv teaser!! i can’t wait to see more of her. sona-nim, fighting! if u see this by any chance, can i have your phone number? ㅋ ㅋ ㅋ ♡
WELCOME TO THE MGAS // episode four . . #4011 - 김진희.* KIM JINHEE.
━━━━━━ . . . DDU-DU DDU-DU, BLACKPINK TEAM PINK PUNK
and for the second week in a row, she’s thrown for a loop.
this time, it’s almost worse. all four members on her team have at least had the pleasure of working with one other person in the group - except for her. it makes her the odd one out, in more ways than one considering that jei once again is the only female in a group full of men. but she resigns herself to the idea, knowing that fighting against it mentally is only going to bring more exhaustion to her already tired mind. perhaps this will be like the last group - maybe it won’t be so bad.
but she already misses dynamiq. the thought of that in and of itself makes her weary because she knows that they’re supposed to be her opposition. they’re supposed to be competing against each other, but all she wanted to do was help them win.
at this point, it seems jei truly is tired. the last round, despite being something of a pleasure, almost thoroughly depleted whatever reserve of determination she had for this show considering the reaction of the judges. it’s not that they got second place - she’s actually quite proud of that, all in all. there’s no shame in admitting that someone was more in line with the theme and thus, did better than you did. but it’s that she felt as if it was made out to be her fault as a leader, for not noticing the lack of skill through the hard work all of the boys put in. it’s true that jei knew the boys weren’t dancers, but she still thought they looked good - and she was wrong. big surprise.
although that in and of itself is a huge wound to her pride, it isn’t the only thing that’s bothering her, either. upon hearing that she’d be in sphere for this round, it immediately kills the last of of jei’s willingness to perform even though she has to for the rest of her team. why, of all places, did they have to pick sphere for her home base? knowing that she’d be going to the same building that hyun should be in every day and still not being able to see him no matter if they’re in the same vicinity or not is like slowly sticking needles into her body. it doesn’t hurt much in the beginning, but as time goes on, it will.
that’s still not something that she can talk about, though. their relationship is a secret, so there’s only resignation to her fate.
at least this time, there are dancers in her group - honestly, they’re in the majority. maybe the ceos thought to give her some kind of reprieve by allowing her to work with dancers who could actually keep up with her, or perhaps the grouping really is just random. that’s something that she’d never know, unless they decide to reveal it. regardless, it seems most of her group - save for junmyeon - have rapping under their belt as a secondary skill, which means this time jei’s going to have to sing a lot more, with less of a spotlight on her dancing.
which would be fine in any case, but she’s only an average singer with much of her skill left untapped and untrained. jei already knows this is going to go over well. sense the sarcasm in that last sentence.
but jei has no choice. after all, she signed her life away on a dotted line when she said that she’d try out for this show. all of this was something that she devoted herself to, simply out of loyalty to one of her best friends. now, she has to be devoted to her team - it isn’t their fault that she’s tired. it isn’t their fault that she has to sing, and they’re counting on her for it. thankfully, junmyeon will be able to carry a lot of the vocal aspect, but there’s still a lot she has to work on herself.
considering the fact that she can’t be suggested as a leader this round, at least she’ll be able to focus a little more on the things that she needs to do to ensure the success of the team. which means working a little more on her singing, because that’s where jei lacks the most.
with three rappers, though, they have to pick a song that sets the mood. as junmyeon is leader, he says they’re a group heavy in charisma - jei knows it well enough, considering that most of the team has gotten quite a fair amount of screen time. mnet surely loves them, which means they’d also love to watch them struggle if they do. after all, everybody loves a tragedy.
jei isn’t the kind of person who goes down without a fight.
it’s probably why she’s a little more interested, and grows a little more invested when they choose blackpink’s ddu -du ddu -du as their song. blackpink has a style that jei enjoys at least, even if she never thought she’d be in a situation where she’d be performing their song. when they split the parts, jei finally expresses her interest in jisoo’s role and the mantle is passed to her.
good. she can work with this.
what she can’t work with, is the teasing.
at least, that’s what jei tells herself. it’s like the boys all somehow started ganging up on her, softening her edges and getting her guard down. somehow, whatever she’s doing with them equates to motherhood, or so jonghyun says when he jokingly suggests that they should change their name to jei and sons. she’s sure the look on her face suggests her disapproval of the concept, but hyunjin chimes in with his jokes, too - saying they’d have to change their entire concept to one of carpools and soccer moms.
“ i’m the furthest thing from your mother. get back to practicing -” she mutters, shooing them off and going back to magazines and catalogues, trying to piece together outfits that would look flashy enough to catch eyes while they’re on the stage. all the while, jei’s singing the parts she’s been given under her breath, trying to focus on hitting notes and thinking of expression. her eyes look up and watch the boys, the ones practicing on their own and the ones practicing together after she told them to.
what jei doesn’t realize is that all of the things she’s doing is still mothering material. she just doesn’t believe she’s worthy of such a noteworthy title.
the day of the performance arrives with almost little notice, in spite of big preparations being made by the team. jei still believes that the idea of putting together an entire stage properly is a lot harder than the week they’re given, especially considering the ceos themselves take months, if not years, to prepare a trainee for debut. why they’re gifted so little time in between challenges is beyond her, but again - she has no room to complain, or to say anything at all.
she just wishes that she could. jei’s finding her growing disenchantment with the show has nothing to do with the people - because all in all, she’s liked both of the teams that she’s landed in. rather, it has everything to do with the show itself.
it still doesn’t mean that she won’t perform her best, if not for herself, then for the boys beside her who really want what they could be given in the end. that much, jei’s confident in. that much, she can do.
being on team a means that they’re first up to perform. jei doesn’t find that much of a problem; the most important thing about being first is also making sure you’re memorable - that the team altogether is memorable. it’s a hard feat going first for many, because they don’t have the confidence in it. they can’t see what the other teams have shoved up their sleeves. jei is different. jei knows that what they’ve practiced is enough to set the stage on fire.
before they go onstage, the first thing she does is check to make sure her wig is secured well enough to stay with the choreography, and then, it’s time. “ hit you with that pink punk! hello, we are team pink punk!“ again, the introductions are enough to make her cringe with embarrassment, but jei doesn’t show it on her face. it still rolls off her tongue with relative ease, and it helps that the other members say it proudly with her too. her expression is a cool neutral, eyes drifting at the shouts of names filling the hall. there’s junmyeon’s, of course - being one of the most popular contestants, it’s bound to happen. but there are a few for each of the members, and .. some shouts of her name, too.
jei doesn’t know why, but it’s still thrilling nonetheless.
some people might have found a surprise at their choice in song, but jei didn’t. although the song itself has been criticized twice over for anything and everything, the main fault lies in the fact that it didn’t seem to live up to expectation. be it the dance, be it vocally, be it the way it was performed, somehow someone always had something to say.
just like someone always had something to say about the contestants on the show. if you think about it that way, it wasn’t really a surprise that they went for this song, a brush off to the haters and a surprise to the people who thought it was a messy choice. they’re going to do it, and they’re going to pull it off well.
starting with the choreography. hyunjin and jeno worked on it together this week, a new dance that added more emphasis than what the original disappointed with. jei relented easily after a feeling of defeat the week before and knowing all too well what a chance this would be for the younger boys to prove themselves. this is all about a chance, and the eldest of the five wants to give it to them. ( and yet, she still doesn’t know why they want to call her mom. ) instead, the time she was given when she didn’t have to put together an entire choreography alone allowed her to throw her practice into singing, and into the aesthetics - and a watchful eye over the boys from the sidelines.
everything would go off without a hitch, and it starts off well. jeno pulls off his rap well despite the worry and the anxiety that rested on his shoulders from the week before, and that’s a breath that was held amongst all of them. whether or not it showed, they all wanted to do well.
they all wanted this to be a performance the judges, the audience, and the other contestants wouldn’t forget.
every key point of the choreography is one that jei hits perfectly - it’s all sassy moves and holier -than -thou looks, and one would say that it fit her personality well enough. it gives her the confidence to hold her notes well, in spite of being an untrained singer - the week’s practice and the confidence in her dance swell enough to carry her voice well.
you still don’t really know
but if you really want me, test me
it’s obvious, like looking at fire
if you wanted something easy…
the good thing is that jisoo’s tone matched jei’s well enough, so it wasn’t too hard of a song to manage even without being the top singer in the competition. and there’s something like pride in her eyes when she manages it, easily falling in line with the next steps of the choreography and the chorus.
it isn’t until it’s her turn to sing again that the most important piece of her choreography comes up. to keep up with the music video, they planted a seed of story within her sung lyrics. she ruffles the hair of her wig, bringing attention to it while she sings -
think twice
cuz i can’t act nice like everyone else
don’t misunderstand
my easy smiles are for myself -
on the last note, jei rips off the wig and shakes out her hair, glittering with a sparkling hair spray from beneath it. she tosses the wig far enough across the stage so that no one trips over it, again falling in line to finish out the choreography. the biggest concerns she has with the vocals she’s meant to sing are the high notes, not originally part of jisoo’s but still given to her ( to share ) nonetheless.
with every like fire that she sings, jei’s voice surprisingly manages to snag the note - though it could be confidence, it could be the adrenaline, or it could just simply be the practice she spent throughout the week. all she knows is that they finish smoothly - powerfully, just like they wanted.
hopefully this week, hyunjin and jeno managed to gain some confidence.
following the airing of the fourth episode of the mga’s, meiqi’s mind is conflicted. on one hand, chungha had finally been recognized for her talents and her team placed second. as her roommate and close friend, she wants to flail her limbs in the air in celebration (which she did last night while watching the show). but all of her other friends had ranked lower this round. jeno had it the worst of them all.
she wanted to stomp up to katie lee and give her a piece of her mind for eliminating the boy, and then slap the mnet producers silly for diminishing his screen time when she knows jeno had given it his all. it was all so unfair, in her opinion, and she couldn’t bear to imagine how he, himself, must feel.
it shouldn’t be a surprise when she shows up in front of his door, a basket of treats to cheer him up that she’s assembled herself, in her hand. there are neatly wrapped boxes of chocolates, crunching bags of flavoured chips, and a few comics she’d bought at the local store (the most expensive ones, of course, because if she was going to be caught in a store for nerds, she was going to make it worth it).
when the door opens, her arms immediately wrap around the younger male’s frame, momentarily forgetting about the heavy woven basket in her hand and most probably hitting jeno with it. “jeno-yah,” she mumbles, pouting as if it were her own elimination instead of his. “you worked hard. i’m proud of you, okay?”
they’ve already been practicing for hours by late afternoon. with the mga stage looming closer with every passing moment, each of the members of her newest group are working harder than ever to put together a stage worthy of the top spot. jei, still, in spite of a dwindling loss of care as time goes on, still works herself to the bone if it will mean success for the rest of the team. it’s not their fault that she’s growing more and more disenchanted.
it’s hers.
thankfully, this time around, there’s less for her to do, and less responsibility for her to take. hyunjin and jeno are doing well with the choreography, junmyeon is playing the good leader, and jei - ... jei is the one in charge of the aesthetic. and the parentage of the group, apparently, though she thinks she’s far less enthused about the latter considering .. everything, in general. that, and it was proven once that she’s not mom material.
regardless, this time today, it’s jeno’s turn for a shopping trip and when she thinks they’ve all had about enough of the stuffy practice room - or when she’s about done with being in sphere for the moment, rather - she taps his shoulder. “ come on. let’s go out and find something for you to wear.”
