#jinistyle

[jihnih]

Just a Tagalog random thought.

[jihnih]

#blackandwhitephoto #streetphotograph #streetphoto_bnw #bnwphoto #bnw_photo #bnw_planet #bnw_captures #instabnw #dreaminstreets #spjstreets #timeless_streets #fujistreet #momentlens #JiniStyle (at 灣仔公園 Wanchai Park) https://www.instagram.com/p/CRIKqeSHrA3/?utm_medium=tumblr

[jihnih]

It's been a year of massive emotional roller coaster rides and changes - in environment and people. A year of rejection and trust issues. I really did my best to cope up with these factors, bottled things up because of shitty adulthood, and wore a mask to avoid questions. For kids, adulthood means freedom. Unfortunately, it is a cage that shackled mine. Three years ago, I suffered mental block. I couldn't write anything. I couldn't do any editing. I slowly left the freelancing and fan domain community. Two years ago, I lost my will to click the shutter of my cam. You do not know how I need to drag myself just to get a decent shot. Once a passion became an obligation - to the camera who stayed with me all these years and I just let it go rusting. Last year, I stopped walking. I stopped reading. I stopped giving a damn.

As I slowly deteriorated in my own cave, people move on. The Earth rotates in its own axis and did another revolution around her sun.

Being an adult is hard, kids. We need to continuesly move forward in order to survive. Physically I am here but when I looked back, I know I left myself somewhere 3 years ago. The Hong kong protests and pandemic contributes a fair amount to my isolation that made me think things a hundred times. Overworked braincells which is yes, definetely my fault. I am alone in my own battle because I choose to be. I am sorry for all the worries.

After long months of being idled, out of the whim I got myself a gameplan. This will give a huge year-end change to myself and impact everyone. Yesterday, I am officially out of the calendar. I am pressured by my own shadow. The disappointments, regrets and exhaustion is like a quicksand that pulling me down to a depth of darkness. I need to do this. I have to.

Thank you for everything guys. Thank you for all the greetings, booze, and sweet memories. Patawarin n'yo ako sa aking katahimikan. Mahal ko din kayo.

Wake me up when September ends.

[jihnih]

I terribly love it when someone is touching my hair, it makes my knees weak.

I need to sit down or discreetly anchored my feet to the ground, because my body can't handle it

I need to hide this.

And when that touch slowly go down to tease my ears, I can't help but internally purred.

I slowly close my eyes as I savored the moment

I am trying to draw it and store inside my short sighted memory

So when I'm just sitting down, I want to remember it once more

The day I discovered that I'm a cat person.

Because you touched me the way I didn't know I want it to be.

[jihnih]

The only thing that we have

Are the words I love you.

Yes, we kissed

Yes, we hugged

Yes, we had that look at each other's eyes.

We wished to share our warmth

But we regretted that wish afterwards.

We're good anyways

In our gaze we knew

Yet we don't want it to be known.

Just let it be in our silence

Do not say the word

Please, I'm begging you

Do not cross the line.

[jihnih]

" I think the other girl likes me."

Oh. That's the cue that it's time for me to exit.

" Why? I'm confused. Just confused because she's nice to me and - "

Honey, the mere fact that you're confused make things complicated now.

" I thought you want it this way? "

Well, I do. But I don't want to be the third wheeler anymore. I'm fed up with it. C'mon. Being the third party sucks.

A moment of silence.

I'll just back off. Let me know if you two ended up together. I don't want to hurt a girl's feelings anyways.

That night, when all my exhaustion was replenished by a good chill and that, I realized this is empty. This vessel is empty. My shoulder still dropped from the thought that I am awful.

I guess, I need to stop making connections now. Wether physicals and worse, escalate it to emotional attachments.

It's contradictory that I only need some hugs from cold nights to burned out days. A good sex is a bonus anyways.

And as I walk to my bus stop, he kissed me on my cheeks.

Honey, that's not how you kiss someone.

And I gave him a proper one. A kiss that one likes to have from someone he likes back.

I'm really awful. When my best friend Mike committed suicide, I feel like my life has been stagnant. I died with him.

[jihnih]

I am not mean. I'm really easy to talk to which is a positive trait and can be negative most of the time. I'm tired. You're tired. We went separate ways. As a lovers. And we cut off being friends. Then strangers. It's easy right? We're adult, we do this adult way.

We don't cry on spilled milk but we do when we got our hearts broken. We do when our dreams never come true. We do when we're frustrated. We do when it's hopeless.

We smile when we have to do it. When there is nothing to do and we should do it. We just smile.

We wear a mask because everyone is masked. We hide everything. We conceal anything. It's easy, right?

But it is exhausting.

It's burning us out. And eventually all the bottled feelings will come out. It affects our well-being as a whole. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. And dealing it the adult way is something I don't want to give as an advice.

We're always young at heart. And we always wished to go back to childhood that it's easy to cry on our grazed knees than figuring out why we're broken apart.

So take a look behind you and pick up those shattered pieces. Drink a beer. Grab a pizza. Go out. Read a book. Watch porn. Who cares? It's your way to cope up on this shitty world anyways. Live life to the fullest!

[jihnih]

I'm counting how many keys I have now and I wonder if I lost one. It's been 14 months and still counting, I realized yes I did. Will you return that key in exchange of this chain that is caging me on these unforgotten memories?

I've been a good girl.

I cut my hair, made it shorter. I've been killing time more than it's making my nights longer. I kept myself from getting dragged into toxicity this world is giving me. I've been searching for diversions so that loneliness will not be a reason for tears. I've been laughing, I've been smiling though my insides are breaking me apart. I've been doing this so that I'll avoid the peers questions of why and how.

I told myself I have two long legs to move forward so I started to walk. But whenever I looked at, I see you. I begin to walk faster then before I knew it, I'm running.

And when I thought I'm about to reach the end line, each step gets heavier as if I am being stuck in a puddle of mud.

I did try to be a good girl.

You said throw the letters, the pictures, the memories of smile and sorrow. You told me by then, I'll be free. Then why I am still here where everything fell apart?

Can I ask a favor?

Where's the key to this chain that is dragging me? If you don't want it anymore will you give it back to me? I've been a good girl, right? Then just why I am still here?