this has been tormenting me and i can do nothing about it
surprised i haven't seen this reading because it suddenly made everything make sense to me in a terrible way
first is 126. this began with seeing someone complain that this moment was about hansi and was why they were worried to have been overheard. we knew this, sannes completely got to them now, they feel they are in the cell either way, they have no way to get out of it. regardless, they'll be on the run for the rest of their life, like they say to themself. and they want to forget everything like they later tell jean, to forget everything and run away. hansi seems to be about to suggest they at least wait, but levi interrupts them. he says this
If [we] run and hide... this way... what will be left?...
levi then scolds them for something they said to themself that he shouldn't have even heard. hansi responds
Ah... [because] it's that way. I can't.
hansi is being reminded of their role again. no matter what they want, they can't escape it. they are forced back into it, not even allowed to talk to themself about how much they wish they weren't.
we move on to 132. i've spoken about it, but hansi is thinking about death the entire time the plane is being serviced. i wondered, they thought they wouldn't make it in time? but hansi's smart, they've apparently done the math. they know they should. so why are they thinking about death, to the extent that this comment
...We'll become close (lit. "relations will become good") soon.
about titans not liking them back is implying they'd become close because hansi is going to finally let them kill them.
remember what levi said in 126? "if [we] run and hide this way"?
please let [me] go this way
to me there always felt something strange about このまま that hansi says here. it's why i fixated on it. it's strange to use that construction when the actual まま itself doesn't exist yet. but i think this could be hansi referencing what levi said to them in 126. this is why they are saying this. it's their final response to him. they said to themself they aren't strong enough, and levi already knows from overhearing them then. that's why they are telling him this alone.
it also makes the particular weight of levi's response and hansi's reaction make so much more sense. even more when you consider levi is in part the one to blame for hansi even being in this position: he made the choice to let erwin die. by extension, in a very removed way, this is him killing hansi too.
i started thinking about the role of this scene from a meta sense. isayama obviously wanted to kill them here. i've explored death as mercy and as repentance, but i wondered suddenly about the difference between this scene in the manga and the anime.
everyone complained that their death was pointless, that they "barely did any damage", and that the anime "fixed it" by inserting a bunch of action. but i wonder, does this go against isayama's intention too?
it was also strange to me that hansi seems to... not know? what is going to happen to them. and by this i mean that even in the way the scene was reworked for the anime, effectiveness does not seem to be a consideration. that's ignoring that the manga is likely much more accurate to their ability to maneuver without depth perception. hansi should have known that they would burn up. if your goal is to take out as many titans as possible, shouldn't you remove your excess fabrics? expend extra gas? but effectiveness is not a consideration whatsoever.
reconsidering their motivation makes me feel like they really did know, and this scene really wasn't supposed to be the "cool exit" they lied (poorly, verbosely, like always, one final time) about, but close to instant death on the pretense of valor, the same way they spent their entire time in the survey corps convincing themself that their desire to run from humanity was brave and honorable.
everything else i've talked about before, this being an nde, erwin saying the only thing that hansi ever wanted to hear and offering to listen to them. i left out a lot as well about their first conversation in 132. but it all checks out. it's perfectly clear when read this way that this was suicide.
that also makes the fandom having made the anime erase something significant about them once more. this time, the suffocation of their final will.
