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i think karma is not always for the things we have done in the past but also for the things we are going to do. i think it was karma that she broke your heart even though she knew how much she meant to you because the universe knew you were going to break my heart even after knowing what you meant to me and ignoring it like it meant nothing….. like i meant nothing

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these parts stayed too long

and I’m going to the moon.

I left with too many white lies.

It’s over.

Your face tells it all;

about last night and

about your lips.

My mind and my space went all in it.

Spirited away, I felt the stars.

Oh, I’m not an actor but I’ll be

anyone you want me to be.

JEP

THE MIRROR

THE NEXT DAY

I went into the bathroom as soon as I woke up. I couldn’t recognize the face in the mirror. It wasn’t the same face I saw yesterday. Over the years it has changed a lot. I thought maybe going through the memory lane might help me in knowing it. I really didn’t want to do this. I had done this plenty of times earlier. But I had to do this. The face in the mirror had to be recognized to prevent oblivion in future. I tried to stop myself but I couldn’t. I was not in my control. The author of my life took me on the journey of my own past yet again.

The first stop was the day when I first realized life wasn’t always happy and fun. It was late night and the four year old me was thirsty. Drowsily I sat on my bed. The light of the other room was on. I could hear noises faint at first till I came into my senses and could hear them clearly. The pitch was constantly rising. Just as I was about to get up I heard a loud bang. Fear made me conscious and I slowly peeked into that room. The chair lay broken on the floor. As my eyes went up I saw my mother kneeling on the floor her eyes moist and my father by the window facing his back towards me. The four year old forgot about her thirst and went to sleep.

Another scene popped up in my head again out of my control. The six year old me had a throbbing headache that day. I in the hope of getting it cured went to my mother. “You call that headache? Do you think only you have headache? Do you even know what headache is?", she said. The bewildered little girl replied," I thought maybe you could help me.” “I have been trying to help myself for years.", said her mother. The girl ignored her headache and went to the park.

Someone knocked the door. I realized I had pondered enough on the face in the mirror. I opened the door of the bathroom to find my angry mother telling me it was late for school. I dressed up and combed my hair all the while trying not to look at the face in the mirror. On the way to do the bus stop I saw a tree full of flowers. It seemed funny how life worked. I picked up the yellow flower laying on the ground. The bus arrived and unknowingly I threw the flower and ran towards the bus. On sitting I realized that I had dropped the flower. Just another typical thing life does to you I thought. My mind wandered off to that face in the mirror yet again. Carried away by my thoughts the helpless me started pondering on the face in the mirror.

It was my thirteenth birthday. I was very happy to finally turn into a ‘teenager’. It felt as if a new life awaited in front of me. I woke up early that day. I went into the garden to celebrate my new life. The lush green trees, the fresh air, the just blossomed flowers everything was wonderful. The sky was clear and I could see a few rays of sunlight. Overwhelmed by the beauty I went to my parents’ room. The door was closed as usual. Before going in I heard their conversation. They were talking about how they will face more difficulty raising me now since I had turned into a teenager. They talked about the hardships they faced while raising me all this while. Thinking all this is just a dream i went to bed again. When I woke up they scolded me on how I always woke up late. From that day onwards I never woke up early except if it was necessary.

“Hey there”, said a sweet little voice. I turned my head involuntarily to find my so called best friend. I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn’t realize when we reached her stop. “Hey”, I said back almost involuntarily yet again. “ OMG you don’t wanna know what happened yesterday.”, she started her daily ritual of updating me with the events of her life. I as usual had to listen to it with occasional comments of oh and really. She began her tale of the crush she always had and how they started talking and she suspects he actually likes her. Maybe that’s normal I thought to myself. I myself had never experienced any such thing. Everyone around me did. I never understood were they strange or was I. “ So that was it.”, she concluded. “ What do you think? What should I do?”. I hated this part. How was I supposed to tell her what she had to do with her life when I couldn’t understand what to do with my own life. But that’s not what you say. “ I think you should wait for more signals from him. Don’t be desperate and play it hard remember.”, I winked and said. Yes that worked. She hugged me god knows why. I literally said the same things every time. Almost like I had memorized our conversation.

“You don’t talk much.” said she. What was I supposed to tell her. I didn’t have any crushes or boyfriends or ex to tell her about. Nor did i know much people to gossip about. In fact I never knew about anyone except for this girl , Georgie my bestie. I wondered how it would be if I told her everything just the way she did. Maybe she didn’t tell me EVERYTHING but at least I thought so. Whatever it was I could certainly not tell her that I had been thinking about my own face since morning. How could I tell her that I didn’t recognize the face in the mirror. Yes it was me, yes on the outside everything was same. So how was I supposed to tell her what exactly I thought was different. Leave her, was there anyone in the whole world to whom I could tell this. No, no one. But another question arrived now. I possibly couldn’t tell her that I can’t tell you anything because I just can’t or because you simply won’t understand. “Yeah nothing really happened everything is pretty much the same. Went to that burger joint yesterday where they have that cute cashier.”, that’s what you say. “Oh someone thinks the cashier is cute huh. I mean yeah he’s surely cute. You know my friend Cami right, she knows him.”, Georgie continued the conversation that was supposed to stop right there. “Cool you can tell her to introduce me to him sometime”, i said and winked hoping to end the conversation. Much to my relief we reached school. “See you during the lunch break!”, said she and hurried out of the bus.

Strange creatures they are I thought, humans. Sometimes I almost behaved like them. Yes it was good. Just being human instead of this complex wrecked piece of shit I thought. But then, I wasn’t being this on purpose. Or was I? No I mean name a person who would spend hours pondering on why they were the way they were. I mean NORMAL people don’t do that, do they? Well normal people also don’t do the other things I have done. I bet they haven’t seen half of the things I have. So it was justified for me to be the way I was. Was it? Ugh I didn’t want to do this again. Once I start doing it I can’t stop. Forcefully I diverted my thoughts and focused on getting off the bus and going to my class.

As the people that I thought would stay in my life forever exited, I started to question the meaning of “forever”.

I realized that some people were only placed in to my life to teach me something and maybe it wasn’t the people that were supposed to last forever, but what I gained from them.

12AM Thoughts

n.j.