#kazstuff

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23 years old, 1.5 years on T & 3 months post-op // 30 years old, 8.5 years on T & 7 years post-op.

A lot has changed and I am so much happier in my body 💜

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curls 4 the summer

😎⛱🌊🍍

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6 Years on T

Sixth Year on T - 2021 - 2022

I have noticed that I haven’t taken many pictures of myself these last 12 months. I have been struggling with my body image, and the debilitating effects of my back injury, which have made it so that I am living with near-constant chronic pain. I found out this year that I have a fractured vertebrae in my lumbar, which has been there for a long time and is the reason for so much of my pain. Every time I want to exercise or move my body for my mental wellness, my physical health is either compromised by that, or else makes it harder to do. I’ve had to practise letting myself just be, more strictly than ever before, and not getting consumed with how I look and what I am not doing. 

But fuck, these last two years of staying home and being sedentary have been really hard on me, mentally and physically. There were 6 months in 2021 that I was alone in my apartment and saw no one in person, except for one person occasionally. That was incredibly hard, just to be with myself like that, but I also did so much healing and so much internal work during that time. I had never been so alone in my life and I did a lot of learning about myself. 

In this sixth year, what I have really noticed is hair growth. My beard is coming in very full now, and it grows in faster than before. And my moustache, which has always been a little weak, is finally starting to catch up. I still haven’t been able to use an actual razor on my face because whenever I do (and no matter the lengths I go to to protect it) my face still breaks out in a horrible rash, mostly around my mouth. This has been a struggle for me because I don’t always want to have a beard, and the beard trimmer can’t give me a clean shave - however it’s a funny thing. Now, when I shave I feel a little bit dysphoric looking at my “baby face”. I know that’s silly, and I don’t look baby-faced to anyone else because all the stubble is still there, but I guess I’ve just grown used to the certain angles that the beard provides. I feel like they make me look older, or more my age, and when the beard isn’t there I feel a bit naked. When I look in the mirror, I can still see the pre-T me under those layers. I feel like I have a better understanding of why so many people on T have a fondness for their facial hair. I didn’t share that going into this process and was never particularly interested in facial hair, but my relationship to it has changed so much. I get it now.

I am also growing out the hair on my head, yet again, but this time I’m determined to stick to it. I want my beautiful long, thick curls back and I want to be able to honour my gender expression in this way. When I was a kid, up until around 15, my hair was so thick and frizzy and knotted because my parents didn’t know how to care for it and wouldn’t let me cut it. My hair was such a place of despair and dysphoria for me and I hated it so much. As an adult, I now know how to care for my hair, and I’m far enough along in tranzing that I know having long hair won’t make people misgender me. I am ready to let my hair be as beautiful as she wants to be. I’m excited for these next 12 months of growth and change. I am grateful for the good things year 6 brought me, and here’s hoping that year 7 is better in all the ways. 

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Chubby, stretch-marky, asymmetrical, mine.

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hairier, thicker, less pimply, smiling, and I learned how to take a decent photo

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5 Years on T

Fifth Year on T - 2021 - 2022

Five years does feel like a milestone, for some reason. I think it’s because where my body is, at the 5-year mark, is supposed to be a fairly good representation of all that I can expect from the changes of T. Of course, I could be wrong - maybe there are bunch of changes yet to come in these next five years that I haven’t anticipated. I’ve just heard from other trans folks and also healthcare providers that the first five years is where all the major changes happen and after then, it’s more of a flat line. And that’s pretty cool. It’s nice to know that I’m so far along that I’ve left the awkward puberty stage behind me in the dust, and now I am facing what aging on T looks like. As I head into my late 20’s, I am noticing some visible signs of aging that weren’t there before. And I’m not mad at it.

This quarantine year has certainly opened myself in all kinds of ways to the relationship I have with my body. I am grateful for all that isolation has taught me in this hell timeline. Looking forward to another year of working on myself and honouring my queerness. I am making a promise to myself to be more brave in my expression, and interrupt those moments when I squash myself. Still trying to strike the balance between being mindful of the space I am afforded to take up as a white male-passing trans person (inside and outside of queer community) and shrinking myself so completely that I don’t take up any space at all. I know I will find it. Happy Tday to me.

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really loving being in my body these days. happy Scorpio season.

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5 years with these little dudes