Helping Head
Pairing: Evil Ted Logan x female reader
Warnings: NSFW content, oral sex (f receiving), face-sitting, bad puns
Summary: Rufus has tasked the university's engineering department with reprogramming the Evil Robot Bill and Ted heads. Too bad you got stuck in the lab with the Ted head…and he won't stop (badly) flirting with you.
A/N: For @keanumovieclubofficial's Keanu Birthday Bash Gift Exchange.
For @pointbreakvhs 🤍 I hope you enjoy your gift.
Special thanks to @lissneon and @atomic-groupie for being fantastic beta readers!
divider credit: @strangergraphics
Bill and Ted University, San Dimas, California 2691 A.D.
2:35 a.m.
Pulling all-nighters is not a smart decision. But neither is waiting until the morning of your assignment due date to start working on it. The assignment in itself was fairly simple: take notes on any progress happening with the machine. But, you were a dead-inside college student that procrastinated on everything. Oh well, the telephone booth was off-limits for deadline extensions, so this was your only option. Just go in, check on the head, and record your notes. Easy.
Call it a spontaneous learning opportunity for the engineering students: Rufus commissioned the department to reprogram the Evil Robot versions of the university's most excellent namesakes—Bill S. Preston, Esquire and Ted Theodore Logan. As of right now, the coding and robotics lab only had access to the heads—something about the bodies getting blown up in the past by the "Good Robots Bill and Ted"—you don't know, you were sick that day when class was interrupted by the robots and Rufus's former mentor.
The pristine state-of-the-art engineering architecture comes into view, you pull out your access keycard and unlock the glass doors. Nobody would be in the lab this early in the morning. For the next few hours, you could finish your work without random professors or other students barging in.
The only thing you needed to worry about was the lone robot head on the worktable—which currently had a thick strip of black electrical tape placed over its mouth. You roll your eyes at the sight. Was it harsh? Yes. But if other people spent even half an hour listening to the most heinous words that leave the robot's mouth, they too would reach for the tape. Not having a body may have eliminated any risk of physical harm, but that didn't stop the head from verbally abusing or the straight up annoying the poor souls that dared to set foot in the lab.
Your lab was assigned the Evil Robot Ted head. The resemblance to the real Ted was uncanny. The artificial fleshy material covering his metallic cranium was tanned and had a perfect replica of Ted's faint freckles, dimples, and smile lines. The eyes, which the team quickly found out could be removed easily, were a deep brown that somehow captured the warmth felt in the images and monuments of the real Ted. How could a face so handsome belong to such a bogus robot?
Shrugging off your bright neon coat, you feel those same dark eyes burning holes in your backside. For the past week since the lab obtained the Ted head, he kept making passes at everybody—didn't matter the title or gender. If it had a pulse, Evil Ted was shooting his shot…badly. Thankfully he didn't say anything too lewd to you—probably because you threatened to use him as a makeup and hairstyling head the first day he attempted complimenting your rack. Since then, your friendship—if you could call it that—with the Ted head consisted of verbal sparring and light bullying with one another. Your project group members usually left the communications and relationship building activities to you—taking one for the team lessened the probability of the others making factory reset threats and claims of throwing the head in the trash—though Evil Ted didn't care, saying he and Evil Bill would play basketball with the other's head all the time.
Finally standing in front of the Ted head, you ripped the tape off his mouth. The synthetic skin around his lips turned pink from the irritation.
"Thanks, babe. You know…a most bodacious kiss would make it better." He wiggles his eyebrows.
"In your dreams, you cheap knockoff," you quip, grabbing a small bottle of soothing lotion and dabbing the affected area. With your fingers gently treating the faux skin, you can't help but muse on how soft his lips look—how life-like they are.
"You're drooling, babe."
Snapping out if it, you straighten back up and pull out your notebook. "Time for another round of Twenty Questions."
Miraculously, Evil Ted managed to answer your questions with only the occasional bad pick up lines—"when we finally take over the world, I'll make sure you're last on the kill list" was a standout one.
"How romantic," you respond sarcastically. But, you would be lying if the unorthodox bantering was bothering you. It's not everyday you manage having a robot develop a playful rapport with you.
"You know babe, if I had my body back, I'd have a full-on robot chubby," he says out of nowhere while shamelessly looking you up and down. "Of all the engineering dudes and babes that work on me, you are the most non-heinous one. You handle my head with the most delicate touch—"
"Don't ever say that ever again," you glare at him, trying to focus on her assignment. "Be thankful Rufus doesn't want your voice box removed."
"Don't need my voice to cause trouble, babe," he says matter-of-factly, his goofy expression contrasting with his teasing.
"Not in the mood, E.T." you rub the lingering grit from your eyes, your hand cramping from writing.
"You look like you got run over by the phone booth," he for once says something genuine, his face taking on the kicked puppy expression the real Ted Logan was famous for. "You need to take better care of yourself."
"Since when do you care, Evil Ted?" suspicion creeps up on you. Where was he going with this?
"Can't have you burn out. I don't have another favorite college babe."
Oh. All cutting remarks leave your mind the instant Evil Ted says something sweet. "What do you want?"
"Just saying," He pauses, biting his lip before continuing. "You know, I am a carbon copy of the real Ted Logan in everyway…even his skills. Did you know he was very popular with the ladies because he would do this wicked move with his tongue where—"
You slam your notebook shut, "Stop."
"Hey, come on," he plays innocent. "You look like you could use a pick-me-up. I may be evil but there is one thing I'm good at."
"Absolutely not. It's unprofessional and you don't know me like that," you from one side of the worktable to the other, contemplating the ethics of having relations with your college project.
"Relax, they say orgasms help with stress. And don't worry about 'knowing you like that', you've seen my exposed wires without the skin mask. That's basically robo nudity, babe!" Dimples appear on his face as he argues for making you de-stress.
"You are so crude!" you exclaim, turning to face him fully. "You push all my buttons and manage to flip switches in me I didn't even know I had!"
"Pushing buttons? Flipping switches? That's kinky, babe! I didn't know you could speak robot dirty talk."
"Ugh! I can't stand you anymore." you throw your hands up in frustration.
"Okay then sit on me." he says in his most serious voice you've ever heard.
Shocked, your jaw dropped. "What?"
"You can't stand? Then take a seat…on my face."
Your face heats up in embarrassment—and something else. "I…"
"Head from Evil Ted will put your dread to bed." he says with the proudest smile on his dumb face.
"That was awful." The spell of shock was broken.
"It'll make you feel better. Besides your a hot babe that deserves to feel good," his artificial pupils dilate, overshadowing the brown irises. "I want you."
The thrill of pleasure cancels out any shred of logic in you. "There's cameras in here."
"Not in the farthest corner where the beanbag chairs are," a determined look crosses his face. "You'd be surprised how many students and professors do X rated activities over there thinking I can't see it."
Your fingers twitch in anticipation, carefully lifting his head from the table. "I don't have much time—"
"I know. Just let me make you come, then you will put me back on the table. I'll see you later today during your actual class time."
You nod, your feet carrying you and the Ted head to the biggest, most comfy beanbag chair in the corner. You nestle Evil Ted's head securely in the chair, his eyes never leaving your face as hesitate.
"I don't want to accidentally crush you—"
"You won't." he reassures.
With that, you hastily kick off your oversized neon boots, hot pink skirt, and highlighter turquoise tights, leaving you in just your top and underwear.
"Take them off." his normally lighthearted voice now deep with raw lust.
A wave of desire soaks your panties as you slip them off. With your lower half completely naked, you approach the head on the cushion. You make sure your thighs frame his face, hovering above him as you position yourself.
"Don't hover, babe. I want that cunt smashed against my face. You won't hurt me, I can't feel pain. Sit on me so I can kiss your lips." he begs.
Eagerly, you completely lower yourself. His tongue immediately sliding out and tasting you. A gasp leaves your mouth as his own deep groan vibrates against your most sensitive area. His nose swipes back and forth against your clit.
Already trembling, you want to grind against him but the mental block of fully letting go stops you. Sensing your uncertainty, his muffled voice manages, "Grind on me. Fuck my face. Fuck my face, please."
It sounded like he was whimpering, creating a spark of confidence within you. You reach down and grip his soft black hair, anchoring his head to your core. You hump his face like an animal in heat, riding his tongue with wild abandon. He was good with his mouth, alternating between patterned licks on your clit and deep fucks from his long tongue.
Thinking you had enough, you attempt to get off of him. He was having none of that, his lips suddenly wrap around your clit and suck harshly. You whine softly as he keeps you on his face.
"Don't go anywhere," he rasps. "You're coming in my mouth."
True to his word, he soon has you screaming in pleasure, the sound of your orgasm reverberating against the walls. Hips buck uncontrollably as you ride out your climax. Once your pleasure dampened, you slowly calm down. Raising up, you grab his head and hold it in front of you.
His looks at you like you were the sun, the moon, and all the stars in the galaxy, lips still parted in awe.
"Thank you, Evil Ted," you whisper, kissing him on the lips and tasting yourself before putting him back on the worktable. As you reach for the electrical tape, he gives you pause.
"Put the tape back over my mouth, then I can keep the taste of you on my tongue longer."
You had to get out of here or else you will use his head all over again. Obeying him, you tape his mouth again and comb through his shaggy locks, arranging him like how you found him. Satisfied, you put your coat back on and walk to the door.
"I'll see you during class, Evil Ted."
Project Notes:
September 2nd, 2691 A.D. 5:41 a.m.
Project Most Excellent Reprogramming continues with project team member engaging in a relationship building activity with the machine subject with satisfactory results.
Continued monitoring and education with the machine will be conducted until further notice.
