Xander Hawthorne and Avery Grambs Take Lie Detector Tests
summary: for once in their lives, avery and xander get told to lie on camera. so that's exactly what they do. truths are revealed (and lies are not) as these two face off against the polygraph machine.
a/n: this was a lot of fun to write! it was sitting in my drafts half finished for months, so i'm glad i finally found some time to finish it up. these two are fun to do dialogue for.
wc: 4060
“You tried to break into the Met Gala?” Avery asked, looking up from the card she was reading off of, her eyebrows raised incredulously.
“Break in is such a strong phrase,” Xander responded, glancing to the side. “I prefer to say I was dramatically entering somewhat unexpectedly.”
Avery didn’t believe that in the slightest. “How? Why? When? Wait, how have I not heard about this?”
✧
“Avery. Xander. We’ve brought you here today to take a lie detector test. One of you will be hooked up to the machine, while the other will ask the questions, and then you’ll switch.” The producer sat behind the camera as Avery and Xander sat next to each other at a table. “This is Lou, our polygraph operator.”
“Hi, Lou.”
“Hello.”
“Good to meet you.”
The producer continued. “Who wants to be in the hot seat first?”
“Xan,” Avery said at the same time Xander said, “I do,” shooting his hand into the air.
Xander then paused and looked at Avery. “Wait, is that the lying seat or the other one?”
“No, we're gonna switch,” Avery said, gesturing to her own chair. “You’re going to sit here.”
Xander grinned. “Alright, alright, okay, okay.”
“And it’s the truth seat,” Avery added with a laugh.
The producers then gestured for the cameras to cut as Xander and Avery swapped seats. Of all the interviews Avery had done since becoming the “Hawthorne Heiress,” this was one she’d been looking forward to. Alisa had said she could pair up with any of the boys, and while she’d been tempted to pick Jameson, she didn’t quite trust him to not go off-script and start asking things he knew she couldn’t answer.
Not on camera anyway.
Xander had been practically chomping at the bit to go, mostly because he wanted to see how much he could get away with lying about, but as Avery’s BHFF he was her natural second choice anyway.
Which is what led them here. They got Xander hooked up to the machine, and he looked more excited than he had any right to be. Avery wasn’t exactly nervous for this, but she could just picture Alisa’s face if any Hawthorne…sheanigans got brought up. Even though that was practically inevitable.
“How can you do…?” Xander’s voice trailed off as Lou helped him get situated.
“Alright now I need this hand here,” Lou said, grabbing Xander’s left hand. “These measure galvanic skin response, which is otherwise known as sweating.”
“Oh God,” Xander said with faux horror.
“He sweats a lot,” Avery added, giving Xander a grin that the cameras couldn’t see.
The other people in the room laughed as Xander said, “It does tickle.”
“Okay,” Avery said when they were done getting everything set up. Reading from the sheet, she said, “I’m going to ask a few questions to calibrate the machine. Is your full name Alexander Blackwood Hawthorne?”
“Yes.”
“Are you about to take a polygraph test?”
“Yes.”
“Are you nervous?”
“Not even a little bit.” Xander took the opportunity to wink at the camera, still grinning.
✧
“You once said that you could steal a giraffe from a zoo and get away with it,” Avery read off the card.
“Yep.”
“Is this because you think you wouldn’t get caught, or that the zoo would just let you walk free with it?”
Xander paused for a moment as he considered the question. It seemed Avery would be learning a lot about Xander today, given that as far as she knew he’d never actually attempted to steal said giraffe.
Probably.
“Both,” he ultimately settled on, nodding. “I think if I planned enough I could sneak one out of its enclosure, I’m very crafty that way. But, as the most charming Hawthorne, I think the zookeepers would be unable to resist my dazzling wits and would have no choice but to let me take the giraffe.”
“Truthful,” Lou said.
Avery laughed, raising her eyebrows. “Have you attempted to steal other animals?”
“No…and yes.”
“What does that mean?”
Xander waggled his eyebrows at the camera. “It means I haven’t technically attempted to steal other animals, however whether or not I’ve left with one is a mystery.”
“He’s telling the truth,” Lou confirmed.
Avery stared at Xander for a moment, searching his face to see if she could tell if he was lying or not. She couldn’t. “Alright. Would you keep it at Hawthorne House if you did nab an animal?”
“No,” Xander said. He didn’t bother to offer any more details than that.
Making a mental note to ask more about that later, Avery moved on to the next question. “When you were a kid, your brothers lost you in the Mall of America.”
“Mhmm.”
“Did you get lost on purpose?”
“Oh, of course not,” Xander said.
“Whose fault was it then?” Avery asked.
“Technically, Nash’s. But I want it to be on record that Gray and Jamie were the ones to run off first. I was merely collateral damage.”
“True,” Lou said.
“How old were you when this happened?” Avery needed to know if his explanation was justifiable or not.
Xander hummed. “I’m pretty sure I’d just turned seven. Which would make Jamie and Gray eight and nine respectively, and Nash fifteen.”
“That feels a bit young to be in charge of three kids,” Avery remarked. “Was there no other supervision?”
“If by supervision you mean the member of the security team that was supposed to be keeping an eye on things, sure. But let's just say…he was easier to lose than he should have been.”
Avery raised an eyebrow. “You got rid of him on purpose?”
“Definitely not.”
“That’s a lie,” Lou chimed in.
Laughing, Avery shook her head. “How long did it take before you were found?”
Xander shrugged. “Ehhh, maybe an hour? Just because I didn’t get lost on purpose doesn’t mean I didn’t stay lost on purpose.”
“Grayson once said he’d never challenge your scone ranking system,” Avery read off the next card.
Xander laughed on the other side of the table, looking entirely too pleased with himself.
“Have you ever thought he was lying to you?”
“No.” Xander paused, looking thoughtful. “Maybe.”
“Deceptive,” Lou said.
Avery’s eyebrows raised. “So you do think he lied?”
Pursing his lips, Xander shrugged. “Not entirely. But Gray likes to be right, and I think any system he didn’t design himself would be one that he might find error in. Not that my ranking system is in possession of any errors. It’s perfect. I would know.”
“Have you ever been jealous of me?” The question surprised Avery a bit, given the playful nature of the previous questions, but she asked it anyway.
Grinning, Xander nodded. “Yes.”
Avery blinked. “What? Is that true?”
“It’s true,” Lou confirmed.
“About what?” Avery couldn’t think of anything about her that Xander could possibly be jealous of. With the exception of the inheritance of course, but he’d never indicated that he’d had any particular desire for it.
“You got to guest-star on Abbott Elementary last year.”
The serious tone in his voice would’ve caught Avery off-guard if she hadn’t heard Xander use it before. So instead, she laughed. “Are you serious? Why didn’t you do it with me?”
“Alisa made me go to a gala the evening you were shooting. Initially, Jamie was supposed to go with me, but he was ‘miraculously’ nowhere to be seen. You can imagine my surprise when I saw him in the episode with you,” Xander said, with a mock-pout. “Not cool. I thought we were friends.”
Avery snorted another laugh. “In my defense, I didn’t know he was with us until the plane was off the ground. He’d made sure to stow himself away long enough that it was too late for Alisa to do anything about it.”
Then, she grabbed the next card, reading its contents. “Before you met me, who would you say considered you to be their BHFF?” Avery looked up, adding, “Which, for those who don’t know, means ‘Best Hawthorne Friend Forever’.”
“Hmmmm,” Xander hummed, considering the question. “I don’t—well? Hmmm. I guess Bex? Probably?”
“Deceptive.”
It’s a hard question,” Xander added. “I grew up with her, but she spent more time with her sister than me. Usually, anyway. Definitely not Thea though.”
“Definitely not,” Avery agreed. “Would you say you're the most talented of your brothers?”
“No,” Xander said quickly.
“Deceptive,” Lou said again.
“Oh!” Avery laughed at the same time Xander said, “What?”
“That’s crazy,” he added, shaking his head. “I think we’re all tied. We have different strengths, so a broad assessment can’t be made.”
Asking the follow-up on the card, Avery read, “Do you think you could beat them in a head-to-head contest of wits?”
“Yes.”
Lou nodded. “Truthful.”
“Wooow,” Avery dragged out. “Look at you being all confident.”
Xander grinned wolfishly. “It’s a talent, I know.” Both of them laughed as Avery grabbed the next card.
“Okay, who’s the least athletic of the bunch?”
“Oh God,” Xander breathed out after a short pause. Then, he laughed, as the camera zoomed in on his face. “I don’t know.”
“Really? You don’t think you could decide?”
“I can’t do that,” Xander said, shaking his head. “I think no matter who I said, I’d get jumped.”
Avery laughed. He wasn’t wrong, either. Not that she was going to say that on camera. “You once worked with Mark Rober and Marques Brownlee, MKBHD, on a YouTube series called ‘Practically Impractical Engineering and Tech’.”
“Yes.”
“Would you ever want to work with them again?”
“Yes,” Xander confirmed again.
Both of them looked over to Lou.
“Deceptive.”
Gasps rang out from both Avery and Xander before they burst into laughter.
“Oh!” Avery exclaimed, her eyes going wide as Xander cut her off.
“What? That’s crazy,” Xander said, still shaking his head. “The machine lies!”
Once she managed to get control of herself, Avery grabbed another card from the stack. “If you had to take over ‘The Grandest Game,’ would you do it?”
“Oh yeah, for sure,” Xander agreed quickly.
Avery raised an eyebrow. “Really? You’d do it all by yourself.”
“It’d be great.”
“Oh.”
“I like having total control over death-defing traps and puzzles.”
Avery laughed. “I don’t think that’s the point.”
“No, it is.”
Shaking her head, Avery looked into the camera. “I feel like for legal reasons I need to clarify that none of the players in ‘The Grandest Game’ are in mortal danger.”
Xander gave her a look. “Wellll, there was that one time…”
“And we handled it!” Avery cut in before he could go any further. Alisa would have their heads if he shared any more than that. “And that was not the intention of the game.”
“No, no, of course not,” Xander agreed. “You know, unless it was.”
“Xander!”
“I’m just saying! Maybe that’s what we need to up the stakes! Traps that might just be perilous if you don’t solve the puzzles in time! Swinging axes, lasers, the works!”
“Okay,” Avery laughed, shaking her head. “I can’t do this.” Xander had a shit-eating grin on his face as Avery grabbed the next card. “Oh, I already know the answer to this, but when was the last time you actually called to make a dinner reservation?”
“Never. I don’t do that.”
“I don’t think you ever have,” Avery said as Xander made a face at the camera.
“Yeah, literally,” Xander joked. “If I wanna make a reservation I have to call and pretend to be someone else.”
“Well, you don’t have to.” Avery laughed. “That’s just something you choose to do.”
“I can’t let the people know my true whereabouts!” Xander said. “You never know who might be trying to track me down. I have lots of enemies, you know.”
Snorting, Avery rolled her eyes. “Right, right. Of course.” She reached for the next card, her eyes going wide. “You tried to break into the Met Gala?” Avery asked, looking up from the card she was reading off of, her eyebrows raised incredulously.
“Break in is such a strong phrase,” Xander responded, glancing to the side. “I prefer to say I was dramatically entering somewhat unexpectedly.”
Avery didn’t believe that in the slightest. “How? Why? When? Wait, how have I not heard about this?”
Xander shrugged. “You see, I actually had been invited, this was last year by the way, but I had told them I couldn’t make it.”
“Right, as one does.”
“But at the last minute, I decided that I did, in fact, want to attend. So naturally, I reached out to my insider connections and had them sneak me in through the staff entrance, where I then pretended to be a photographer for a bit before walking onto the carpet.”
Avery couldn’t believe what she was hearing. “And that worked?”
Xander grinned. “Of course it did. But you see, Anna Wintour was, let’s just say, less than pleased about my entrance and asked me to leave. But I was there!”
“Truthful,” Lou added.
“How did I not see this? Or hear about it?”
“That, my dear friend, was the work of none other than your lawyer and publicist. They worked with Vogue’s team to get it scraped from the internet. That, and I was told to not breathe a word about it. So I didn’t!”
Avery rubbed the bridge of her nose. “I actually can’t believe you. You’re insane.”
“I prefer the term eccentric.”
“Nope, you’re insane. Nuts. Crazy.”
Both of them laughed. When they’d finished, Avery asked the last question. “Did you lie at any point during this interview, and we didn’t catch you?”
“Yes.”
Avery raised a brow, but Xander just smiled at her, not offering up anything else. “Then I guess you’re done.”
“Cool,” Xander said, laughing.
“I think you did good.”
Xander grinned. “Thanks.”
“I’m nervous,” Avery laughed.
“I’m really nervous, I’ve sweat so much into these things, I don’t think they’re usable,” he said jokingly, referring to the machinery on his hands.
Avery’s nose wrinkled. “Ewww, are those the same ones I have to use?”
“Look at them, there’s a hand print!”
“They are,” Lou confirmed.
“Ew!
✧
Avery was now set up on the other side of the table, facing a Xander who looked all too pleased to be the one with the question cards. She liked to pride herself on her poker face, but she had a feeling Xander was going to do everything he could to get her to break it.
“I’m getting like, spikes,” Avery said, glancing at the polygraph.
“I’m gonna ask you a few questions to calibrate the machine.”
“Okay.”
“Is your full name Avery Kylie Grambs?” he asked, as if there hadn’t been a whole puzzle in Hawthorne House revolving around it.
“Yes.”
“Are you from Connecticut?"
“Yes.” Avery said, before laughing. “Everything I’m saying feels like a lie, is it registering as a lie?” she asked Lou.
Lou shook his head. “Nope, you’re doing fine.”
“Are you about to take a polygraph test?” Xander asked.
“Yes.”
“Are you nervous?”
“Yes. No. I don’t know,” Avery said, laughing. “Now that I’m hooked up to a machine, I’m like, ‘I can’t lie,’ and I’m nervous. And it’s like, how often am I just lying through interviews? I don’t really think I lie, so I shouldn’t be nervous about this.”
Xander grinned. “I always thought you had quite the deceptive face.”
They both burst into laughter.
✧
“When you went on Alex Cooper’s podcast, ‘Call Her Daddy,’ you said you thought your lawyer used to hate you.”
“Mmm hm.”
“Why?”
Avery laughed. “I mean, you were there! I had no idea what was going on and was too stubborn to let that stop me. She spent probably that whole first year cleaning up messes I was making and then some. I’d be shocked if a part of her didn’t hate me.”
“She grew up with Hawthornes, you really weren’t that bad in comparison,” Xander said.
Avery shrugged. “Maybe not, but that doesn’t mean I was easy. I think a part of her was tempted to let me screw up and lose the inheritance just so she wouldn’t have to deal with me anymore.”
“Truthful.”
Both Avery and Xander burst out laughing. “Sorry, this feels like Alisa slander,” Avery added. “I love and appreciate my lawyer very much. I just also think she’s been sick of my shit since day one.”
“It’s okay, we all are,” Xander deadpanned.
“Woah! That was uncalled for!” Avery exclaimed.
Xander shrugged, not looking apologetic. “You famously yelled at a reporter who made a derogatory comment toward our friends Bex and Thea.”
Avery nodded. “I did.”
“Did you anticipate a screenshot of the video becoming a meme?”
“No! What?” Avery said, laughing. “Why would I expect that?”
“Why not?”
“That wasn’t helpful. But no, obviously the last thing I expected from that encounter was a picture of me yelling at the guy to go viral. I didn’t realize the interaction was particularly ‘meme-able’,” Avery continued.
“True,” Lou said.
“You’ve actually had several moments go viral in the last few years. Do you have a favorite?” Xander asked.
“Hmm. I don’t think so, no,” Avery said after thinking for a moment.
“Deceptive.”
“Ah ha!” Xander exclaimed. “I knew it! Fess up Avery, it was when you knocked over a croquembouche tower on Good Morning America, wasn’t it?”
“What? No, it definitely is not that,” Avery said.
“Deceptive,” Lou repeated.
Avery whipped toward him. “Seriously? This machine is broken,” she laughed.
“Avery, Avery, Avery, don’t fight what you know to be true,” Xander teased. “Everyone knows that your crime against pastries was the best thing to come out of that holliday segment. I think we even put it on the Christmas card.”
Letting out a groan, Avery put her head in her hands. “I know you did. And it was awful. It even got Grayson to laugh, so that’s how you know it was bad. I genuinely don’t think I’ll ever live it down.”
“You had to play Singing Charades with Olivia Rodrigo when you went on Jimmy Fallon a few months ago,” Xander read off the card. “Do you still keep in touch?”
Avery laughed, recalling the memory. “We do! Not extensively, but we’ll check in with each other every now and again. Olivia’s great.”
“Truthful.”
“Is it true she’s working on her third album?”
Avery smiled and shrugged. “I wouldn’t know.”
“True.”
Xander groaned. “Dang, I was hoping that would get you.” He then slid over a photo of Avery and Max from a charity gala they’d gone to together. “Is this person your best friend?”
“Yes.”
“Are you jealous that she’s met Sir Paul McCartney and you haven’t?”
Avery blinked. “I’m sorry, she what?”
“Met Sir Paul McCartney,” Xander repeated.
“No, I heard you the first time,” Avery said, shaking her head. “I just, when?”
Xander grinned. “Not important. Also, aren’t I supposed to be the one asking questions?”
“Ugh, fine. And, I guess so? Although I’m only just now learning this happened.”
“Truthful.”
“Is it safe to say Max is a more responsive texter than you?” Xander asked.
“Yes, she’s a much better responder.”
Xander grabbed the next card and grinned. “You’ve kissed one Hawthorne brother on camera, and it happens to be one you’re not dating. Do you have plans to fix this?”
Avery choked on her own air. “Is that seriously what it says? You totally just made that up!”
Xander shrugged and said, “I ask the questions, you answer them. So, do you?”
“No.”
“Deceptive.”
Avery’s brows furrowed and she flipped Xander off where the camera couldn’t see it. “I don’t! Although I will say I’m surprised I haven’t kissed Jameson on camera yet. Are we sure that’s true?”
“The cards don’t lie Avery, the cards don’t lie.”
“Yeah, but you do.”
Xander just winked. “Moving on. Earlier this year, you and Juliet Grayson, Gigi for those who know her, crashed a gay bar in London, where according to onlookers, she tackled you.”
“Yeah.”
“During a drinking game. Can you confirm or deny this happened?”
“Confirm.”
“Tackled you?”
Avery laughed. “Well, I don’t remember what either of our headspaces were at the time, we were in a bar. But it must have seemed prudent at the time.”
“Hmm.” Xander looked thoughtful. “Personally, I love a good tackle. When was the last time you tackled someone?”
Avery had to think for a moment. “Ooh, I don’t know? Probably Jameson when we were in Bali? He was playing keep-away with my sunglasses.”
“You talk about your dislike for romance novels. Do you have a particular author who caused this?
Avery shook her head and laughed. “No, I just don’t really care for the genre. They never feel realistic, I guess.”
“Because your relationship with my brother is super realistic.”
“That’s not fair!” Avery exclaimed. “It’s not as though I planned for any of this to happen. It just sort of did.”
“Right. So, like a romance novel.”
“You’re impossible.”
Xander grinned. “You’ve had to meet a lot of important people in the last few years.”
“I have.”
“Have you ever forgotten who someone was and pretended you knew?”
Avery nodded. “Yeah? I mean, who hasn’t done that?”
“Truthful.”
Grabbing the next card, Xander read off its contents. “You have somewhat bad luck when it comes to getting beverages spilled on your clothes at events. Notably, one of these incidents was at a gala last year where Jameson knocked into Grayson who then spilled red wine onto your light blue Oscar de la Renta gown.”
“Mmhmm.”
“Do you hold a grudge against him for it?”
Avery laughed. “No, but I think Alisa might. I was just happy it meant I got to leave early.”
“That’s true,” Lou said.
Xander hummed. “Really? So you’d let him do it again if it meant you got to leave?”
“Wellll.” Avery at least attempted to look sheepish. “Maybe?”
“Deceptive.”
“While you were putting together last year’s Grandest Game, you lied to a customs official about attending your friend’s wedding because you didn’t have a work visa. Do you typically lie to government officials?” Xander asked.
“No.”
“Deceptive.”
Avery and Xander both laughed. “Have you ever lied to me?”
“Absolutely,” Avery said without missing a beat. Xander had the audacity to look scandalized, which just made Avery laugh again. “Oh come on, like you can play anything in Hawthorne House only telling the truth.”
“I’m wounded, Avery,” Xander said while dramatically clutching his heart. “I thought we were better friends than that.”
Avery shrugged. “I guess you thought wrong.”
Xander mock pouted. “Fine. How about this, if I asked you to withhold information from the FBI to cover for me, would you?”
“Hmm, depends on what you did,” Avery said. Xander laughed.
“Do you think you could get away with lying to the FBI?”
Avery shook her head, saying, “Oh, not a chance. My poker face might be good, but it’s not that good.”
“Truthful.”
Xander grabbed the next card. “Recently, you attended a celebrity golf tournament where you ended up making a hole in one. Did you train for the event, or was that just pure luck?”
Avery laughed, shaking her head. “Oh my God, it was totally luck. I honestly still can’t believe it happened. I’ve never seen Jameson look so surprised before,” she said. “He even asked me if I’d had them rig it.”
“Did you?”
“No! It just went in! I don’t think I’ll ever be able to pull something like that off ever again. It was a one time miracle.”
“Would you consider yourself a lucky person?”
Avery shrugged. “I mean, I feel like I have to, don't I? Good luck and bad luck, but I don’t think I can deny how much of it I have.”
“True.”
Xander laughed, nodding. “Okay, and now, did you lie at any point during this interview?”
“Yeah, I lied multiple times during this interview,” Avery said.
Both of them laughed before the cameras cut. “Woo!” Xander exclaimed. “We did it! We lied!”
“To lying!” Avery raised her hand to give him a high five, once the machinery had been removed. As far as interviews go, this had definitely been on the more entertaining end, and Avery had several follow up questions for Xander. But getting him to answer truthfully, might just pose a challenge.
Polygraph tests / "lie detectors" are complete pseudoscience.
The evidence is overwhelming that there is just no scientific basis for this shit. They might as well have cops do palm-reading on suspects.
The fact that so many Americans believe that these things actually work is proof of just how unquestioning and susceptible people can be to established "truths."
Btw I've personally beaten lie detector tests maybe... half a dozen times now, I guess?
BBC Bitesize has released a short parody video of "Jane Eyre" on their channel where Jane and Mr. Rochester take on the polygraph lie detector test to reveal some revelations.
#the odyssey
#art
#ao3
#star wars
