#life test

[thecheekycat-blog]

[bad-thinking]

The man in a case (1898) - Anton Chekhov

As usual, I will write what impression the story made on me, it is not any kind of a summary, description of a plot, or any attempt to objectively evaluate the quality of the creation.

I grabbed the book at the time when I was doubting myself and my choices, not knowing which direction I should undertake, how to calculate which one yields possibly better outcomes. Stack in this state, state of freeze. And here is the story, that strangely corresponded with my experience.

The story, like probably all Czekhov stories, is sad. Chekhov does not show how to solve the problem, what would be the remedy for the formation of this character structure - locked in the walls of 'shoulds', rules, safety and what is known and predictable.

The main character, Belikov, is the teacher and lover of Greek. He terrorises people with his obsession regarding rules and regulations, demands others to follow them same way as he does. He clings to what is framed within meticulously drawn lines, as this is something that saves him from having to know his own wants and needs. His own desires. Those lines are safe, he cannot do anything wrong, unclean there. He cannot be 'bad'. I don't know if the underlying motivation for him was the need to be morally good or rather to avoid the messiness of feelings, relationships and attachments. Probably to some extent both. Everybody around him feels rather uncomfortable, stifled by his watching eye. He is not married, but one day the city visits a beautiful, cheerful woman, who is even interested in him, Varenka. He does not know how to act around her. Everyone gossips in this annoying, intrusive way, hoping he will get married. I think he was overwhelmed, was so used to the fact that he did not have responsibilities towards anybody, therefore he also could not fail anyone, he could not do anything wrong. Everything was perfectly predictable and under control. Now, this lady appears, and she dares to enjoy such frivulous activity like riding a bike! Oh, my - such a sinful thing to do! Absolutely unacceptable! He goes and complains to her brother, he does not care, kicks him out the door, he falls down the stairs, where Varenka sees him and laughs at the scene. That, and seeing his caricature drawn by some local person, caricature of him with galoshes, finally broke him. He got sick and soon after passed away.

People at the funeral felt a sense of relief that this prosecutor is no longer with them, I think hoping for a better life since now on. Obviously, life does not change after his death much.

I find this story very sad. Main character is shown almost as a caricature, whom everyone finds uncomfortable to be around, they use him as a source of cheap sensation when Varenka arrives, plotting their marriage and talking about him. He, like most Chekhov's characters, is a prisoner of his own mind. He is not able to take the step that would lead to a possibly better life, marriage, family, to the new chapter, where all the chaos and messiness would emerge, the challenges along with their beauty. All the responsibilities and commitments he sees as burden? I do not think it was just a burden, I think he seriously doubted his own ability, anxiety was eating him alive. Fear of breaking down in the face of unpredictability, need to learn and grow, to grow another organ, currently almost not existent. In order to do that, he had to take a leap of faith, that he will go through the discomfort, through failures, through the risk of losing some part of himself. Definitely that would happen, a part of him would need to be sacrificed. But is that really that bad? Sacrifice?

We try to save our lives losing them at the end. I do not want to make some evaluations of his behaviour. Obviously, if that was that easy, he would just propose and get married, apparently it was not simple at all, and the insects of fear were carving tiny holes in his body, leaving their eggs inside and breeding new larvas.

I like how Chekhov shown the public, the people making a gossip out of this. People are larvas too. Adding to his anxiety, cornering him, creating vision for his future life. They knew sooner before him, what future could be good for him. I understand the conflict between Belikov and them, the fundamental perception of how to go about life was different. It is easy to see Belikov as that strange man, wearing winter coat in the summer obsessing over regulations and rules, whose death brought just relief to others. But I can't see it this way.

That was a poor man, completely alone. And he did not even realise how much. Out of obligation he would join others, sit quietly making everyone uncomfortable and then leave, believing he fulfilled his social duty. What life did he have? What genuine connection he had that would be filled with juice and honey? His heart was with Greek, but Greek was not juice. When the juice and honey appeared at the horizon, he, being inprisoned in his way of being, acted out of fear of crossing rules and giving wrong example, ashamed, revealed, laughed at, he has a difficulty finding a soft place within himself, that would laugh and play too. He lost his spark, or I should rather say, the spark was locked, somewhere deep, and from time to time would make a sound, jiggle around attempting to remind him of its existence. Which tools he should use now? How to accept, take care of the spark?

It is a tragedy of a man whose spark got locked and whose existence started to become a trouble, instead of a life force.

Chekhovs stories do this thing, that they surprisingly do not make me want to analyze the situation in order to find a possible solution. I do not try to save a character. I do not judge Belikov, I do not see him as a coward or a cold, detached person, incapable of love or selfish. He, like all of us, equipped himself with what made it possible for him to survive. We do not know his past disappointments, his struggles and reasons that led to creation of the prison made of fine lines of rules and 'shoulds'. Superego at its finest.

Neurotic? Paranoic? Schizoidal? He was neurotic and away from his core.

It is as if life gave him that last chance, 'Here, take the test, let's see how you will do. Maybe if you will do well enough, I will let you live and you even will get a prize'.

Everyones decisions and behaviours are partly predetermined and conditioned by circumstances, environment and all that crap that is independent on us. There is however a piece where this is us contributing to the outcome. Regardless of all that led us to the current state. Therefore, when trying to understand this character, having loads of compassion towards him, I must remember that he was not deprived of choice.

It hurts me imaging him seeing the caricature. How to read it? Someone got out of fine lines, just went all over it, crossing every possible clean line showing him as what he does not want to be. Funny, almost ridiculous anxieties, that were completely unjustifiable. Winter coat in the summer? Pair of galoshes? He protects himself, has this 'just in case'. Just because it is for sure not warm and safe enough without a coat. And he dies when he would need to leave them. Drop the external clothes and armour. Laugh at his naked body and imperfections. Get cold. Take a risk and live.

Oh, I love the story to pieces.

On YouTube you can listen the whole in 30 min:

I want to keep digging, as I feel I still do not offer this story its due admiration.

The inprisonment, the gossip, the larvas carving holes in Belikov, the last chance given by life, the inability to pass the test, the crossing of his fine lines and the tearing apart his clothes and destroying his tight gorset. Life was maybe too much with this test. But I can imagine it got impatient, and apparently other smaller tests were just unattended, or failed. The Life, as merciful and patient as it can be, at some point throws at you the towel, challenges you stronger. And then, it is exactly life or death.

Sad and beautiful, as always.

[ironmanstrength]

Why Solomon is the Original Superman

Most of us have read the Bible story of King Solomon whom God chose over David’s other sons to be the King of Israel. What separates Solomon from any other King, or anyone else for that matter, is the fact that when God came to Solomon before he became King and said “Ask for whatever you want Me to give you”…1 Kings 3:5…and Solomon responded very differently than most anyone would have. In my…

Why Solomon is the Original Superman

[ddlc3177]

[emilia558-blog]

下半年

一下子時間來到七月了。

有一種感覺，寫出來的都陸續成真了。七月的第一天收到副刊的來信，說文章會留用。〈本來以為退稿了〉有一就有二，覺得被鼓舞了，有人喜歡我的文字真好。

想到今天從書裡看到的一句話：「夢想一旦說出口，就會有某種力量。」

做一件跟義大利文有關的事。希望可以找到有興趣學習語言的夥伴，其實有點恐懼，因為並不是很確信自己可以做得好啊。

給自己打氣。

[theamaranthchronicles-blog]

Life

The best tests are the ones you don’t know you’re taking.

Life doesn’t let you rehearse… You just have to live and learn…

Life is nothing but timing…

[queensinapi]

one of those life test that I always fail...