I need winter to come back.

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I need winter to come back.
I'm surrounded by people.
So why do I feel so alone no matter what?
I am so hyper aware of the fucking seams and my clothes against my hip. Like. Ughhhh. Yes I know sh hurts, that's the mf point. But such a shitty aftermath man.
Im such a fucking hypocrite. I tell others that it isnt an option, that they can't do it, that they have to stay safe. And then I do the exact shit I told them not to do.
What the actual fuck is wrong with me, im so fucking stupid- I should die.
im with this girl at a bday party and I have known she struggles with her my and all that and I feel bad cause she's really sweet. The thing is, she has scars. I do too, so im not judging, never judging. But omfg for some reason it triggered the shit out of me bc ive also been havin urges almost daily. So rn my head is just like "reminder. reminder. reminder" and it's so stupid omg. Some1 shoot me please, I hate my head.
"Sh is weak. It's not valid. If you're that depressed either kys or ask for help"
This is what someone very close to me, that knew i struggled with sh, and they struggled with it themselves, said to me.
I dont know why, but it got really stuck in my head till this day. Why would you ever say that to someone that you know that actively struggles with that type of thing?
It's just really fucked up imo.