#long vent

[cinnamon-toast07]

you all deserve an explanation so here you go

tw: mentions of su!c!de and uhh idk lots of mental health stuff, also a lot of writing

hi guys. so i know i randomly went inactive for like 3 weeks on here and didn't say anything about it. i know it was very sudden, but there are multiple reasons i'd like to share. i wasn't purposely ghosting you guys or anything i just needed some time to myself.

so the first reason was my mental state. i mean for a while i haven't been feeling the best but recently it's been getting worse. like wayyyy worse. i haven't told anyone as to not worry them but it got to the point where i was planning on attempting on multiple ocassions. i didn't end up doing it though because i was kind of scared. idk of what.

another reason was i would get into many many fights with my parents. i love them so much but they never really understood me, and when they try i get my hopes up and then get let down because they just ignore me for their work or 'they need to go do something.' they always say that. and then they put me in things and make me do things without my consent and they've been doing this for YEARS but with everything else going on it just felt worse. i hope i don't sound spoiled or anything, i don't mean to give off that vibe.

and i also went inactive because of my gender. (might suprise yall since i probably seemed very cis lol). i was actually questioning my gender for quite a while, i never really felt fully like a girl or anything even since i was little. i thought i was a demigirl from like december to january, and then in february i was like 'i think there's more to it' and then march i kind of just freaked out. i also never grew up learning about LGBTQ+ and my parents/family are very homophobic so i couldn't ask them. after LOTS and LOTS of research i found the term 'demifluid' where one part of your gender stays the same and the other part is fluid and i'm so happy i did because i finally found something that fit me. it was a huge weight lifted of my chest and i'm very happy to share this with you guys. (also i'm bisexual and panromantic and aceflux so yay!!) (uh also changing my pronouns to she/they/he/fae/lotus/red but you don't have to use the neos you can just use she/they i'm completely fine with that!!) and if you guys want you can call me noa, i'm still okay with fifi but you can use both, it's just a new name i found that i like and it's similar to my actual name so yea

back to the topic of my parents, as you may know, my immune system is weak af. and as you also may know i would get VERY sick VERY regularly. i didn't get sick again but i would get these horrendous headaches that made me so dizzy i could barely walk in a straight line. i even fainted on tuesday (for like 2 minutes then i woke up and i was so weak so i fell asleep for 15 mins). these headaches would also happen sometimes in class, or even at home. i have always been extremely sensitive to being overstimulated so it's been happening a lot more and i would get extremely tense. even when i told them, my mom always said 'is it the same sickness as before? no? okay you'll be fine stop exaggerating.' and my dad would just not care. on tuesday (the day i fainted), i take a class outside of school, and i was telling my parents i couldn't go because i felt extremely weak. they still made me go and when i came back i still had homework do to. i was really burntout and almost fell asleep like 5 times trying to work. i wish they listened to me more. i know they mean well and all, but they don't really try to hear my side of the story and just blame me most of the time.

this is in no way any of your faults. you are all so special to me and i'm so grateful to have friends like you guys, i trust you guys more than so many people i've known for years and you all have your own place in my heart. thank you so much for being my friend and respecting me more than most people i know ever would. i love you all so so so much.

you can ask questions if you want. i feel really bad for leaving unnanounced and i'll do anything (with some exceptions guys be fr) to make up for it. thank you for reading. love you guys <3

@serial-designation-j-offical @bambi-bot-offical @spicylime-r2 @panfandomgoblin @spicylime-r2 @r0xx4nn3 @ch3ckk0utsid3lmaao @victoria33787 @alternas-navigation-system @imgnaexplode101 @rubber-duck1es @samanthachan @paukitstuff @b1ll-c1ph3r1031 @seriouslythisisagoodname @irenesilly @masa-bi @thecoralconstellation i'm sorry if i forgot anyone!!

[jellyshoes-fandomfolk]

buckle up boys i feel like shit again

(if you know me in real life do not read this im being so serious)

this is actually so unserious i can't i feel like shit and i cannot take it seriously ong

i genuinely feel like vomiting even though it isnt that bad and i have never had a justified shitty feeling in my life but i still somehow always feel like shit.

today should be great, actually. two new episodes of separate franchises i LOVE came out today, and i got the new heartstopper book, i finally got my hands on the crk braverse cards, and i went to the mall and Michaels. everything should be great!!!!!! literally the only thing that went wrong in my day is so stupid and i genuinely cant believe it lead up to this

me and my friends are in a summer camp together, which yay!!! and i really wanted to go to my friend's house with them today, but my mom said no because she thought my friend's mom wouldn't have wanted me to go. That isn't a big deal!!!!!!!!!!!! and she apologized!!!!!!!!!!! and let me go shopping for comicon!!!!!!!!! literally i should be doing just fine!!!!!!!!!! and yet i feel like shit!!!!!!!!!

after all of this, i was calling my friends whos house i wanted to go to, and, get this, im mad because she hung the phone up kinda abruptly. BECAUSE SHE HUNG UP THE PHONE. and its whatever, but im somehow convinced she hates me or smth after that.

AND THEN!!!!!!! i text her after and ask if they're playing minecraft. she says yes. i say ill get on soon. she says they're playing on a server im not on. and now im convinced she extra double hates me or something.

HWY AM I NAUSEAS OVER THIS. OUT OF ANYTHING I COULD GIVE A SHIT ABOUT WHY IS IT THIS?????? I HAVE FELT LIKE SUCH SHIT FOR THE LAST WEEK, AND THIS IS THE THING THAT MAKES ME CARE???? I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH, IM SO STUPID, WHY DO I FEEL THIS BAD OVER A FUCKING MINECRAFT CALL IM GOING TO KILL MYSELF IM SUCH A PETTY SPOILED LITTLE BITCH AND I CANT DO ANYTHING FUCKING RIGHT GODDDDDDDDDDD

its so fucking stupid i swear it doesnt even matter i should even care but here i am sitting here with my stomach cramping like i just drank an entire bottle of spoiled milk and i feel so tired too as if im not the most privileged little bitch on earth who just gets to do nothing all day and not worry about a single bill or anything and just get to think about myself i swear im going to become the worst person ever someday omg this is why nobody likes being around me its because im fucking insufferable and nobody wants to be near me because i just make myself the victime when all i do is be terrible to everyone around me jesus

actually what am i sayig people are around me and its just because im making them like me by lying to them and someday thats going to crack and all my rotten mushy bones can be on display and they'll be stuffed into a sack and thrown into a lake because thats just what i deserve

i hope everyone around me never has to see or talk to me or be near me or breathe the air ive breathed ever again because i know im charring whatever im around because im a fucking forest fire that just takes and takes and takes and whenever i get the more i want its never enough and i just make everything even worse christ i should just be executed publicly for the jury to watch because i dont even deserve the prison sentance jesus

god i cant even vent right this started about my day and then i just made it all about myself because everything has to be about myself and i cant let anyone around me have anything because im selfish and terrible and cant do anything

i feel like theres so much more for me to say but whatever i dont even know i still feel sick and i know that im doing all of this for attention everthing i do is for attention i can never let anything be about people around me i cant even let two other people being around eachother be about them it always has to be me memememememe because i cant let anyhting come to those around me

i feel like im going crazy too because everyone tells me im so good and im so nice and helpful and smart and i know its just lies im telling them for attention because i need everyone to love me or i might just die but i know they dont love me and i think thats fine as long as i can keep them loving the version of me they like.

god im like a show dog who bites, im violent and terrible and i cant stand myself every time i look in the mirror ive never been a man im just a little girl who wants everyone to belive im big and strong when really all i've ever asked for was some form of validation even though ive never done anything to deserve it.

i hope whatever god is out there is getting a real good laugh. giving me everything i ever want and then dangling contentment right beyond them on the next rung of a ladder ive been climbing since i was 8.

i think something probably died in me at some point. theres something in there thats missing and that gets more and more obvious with each passing day because i think they know and they can tell that theres something wrong with me but they dont want to point out because they know im a biting mess that would try to use everything i am against them

everyone around me definitely knows actually. im not subtle. its really obvious that i dont know how im doing this and i dont want to do it even if i think i do and i know i have to because holy shit if it isn't nice to have someone love you even if you (and them) know its so so so fake.

jesus up to 1k

i swear i sound like such a little bitch. whatever. goodnight.

[timberiswooding]

This week has wrung me dry

I can't remember half of it, my dad has been hallucinating for days, I wrote so much at once that I have writer's block, I got rocks and dirt in my scalp from a helicopter landing, i still haven't gotten a paycheck from my job, I work a 6 hour shift tomorrow and don't know where my work shirt is, my attendance at school is shot, a manager at a Sonic had to pay for my meal yesterday on account of my dad taking money from the account without letting me know, and my car broke down!!! Yayyyy!

A 12 hour nap is leading me down a hall with rose petals and candles

[my-mom-named-me-duck]

i don't think enough sighted people know that blind people use the internet -v-

also its frustrating that we're forgotten about when talking about physically disabled people in online forums -v-

also its frustrating that people irl feel very comfortable touching us without our permission to show us things instead of using their words and giving directions or describing things like how would you feel if someone grabbed your hand and shoved your fingers into mashed potatoes without much warning? -v-

also its frustrating when sighted people forget that blindness (like most everything else) is a spectrum -v-

also its frustrating when sighted people accuse me of "faking it" because I have usable vision and then say "that sounds fake" when I tell them about retinitis pigmentosa or they think I'm doing it for attention and why the fuck would I be faking it for attention the attention I do get for it is fucking awful who would ever fucking want this - v -

also its frustrating when able-bodied people see disabled people as subhuman and incapable of doing things that their disability doesn't even affect - v -

also its frustrating when someone starts treating me differently as soon as they find out I'm legally blind (that's why I try and hide the fact i'm legally blind from people because I'm so fucking sick of being seen as weak) - v -

oh and final thing I'm so fucking sick of eugenicists pretending to be good helpful people and trying to tell people with genetic conditions to not have children like shut the fuck up if I wanna have a kid someday I'ma have a kid and you cant do shit about it

i'm only 16 I still have great sight and I'm already so sick of all of this bullshit I ain't ready for the future when it gets way fucking worse

i feel like no one is going to read this post but I hope that someone does

[squidboybunny413]

vent. really long. I know no one's going to read this but I guess I just needed to type it out

man whats even the point of this. I dont have any friends, my posts get like 2-3 notes on average but most of the time 0-1, I don't seem to belong in any community, I can barely talk to people, the people on this app that I think are cool don't even know I exist, any time I actually manage to have a conversation with someone they stop talking after a bit and never message me again, most of the time I don't even know who I am and my opinions are always changing, every time I scroll I see people talking with their moots or friends or partners and all I feel is jealousy and anger. sometimes I imagine what it would be like to be friends with those people but I know that will never happen, no one can handle having me as a friend. none of my online friendships even last a year, sometimes not even a month. sure I guess I did make progress on this blog, posting more and trying to interact with people more, and for a bit it felt good. but I'll never be as popular as the other people I see on here, the people who have loving anons and moots that send them asks daily, the people who always have others to support them. why can't it be me? im awesome, I'm very interesting, I can be a bit hard to understand and I'm not the best person but I deserve love too. everything feels like too much but also not enough. I feel like Im at a party, and everyone is standing on the dance floor having a fun time with their friends. but I'm standing in the corner, trapped there, sometimes people will look at me but then they'll go back to the other people. when I try to join them they don't acknowledge me or they push me away, occasionally one of the party goers will try to have a conversation with me but it never lasts long because they want to go back to talk with their actual friends, not the weird guy in the corner. wow this is a lot. uhm.

[lostinternetangel]

Tw for longish vent that might make me sound bitchy, brief mentions of selfharm and sexual assault if I missed anything lmk

I wish my brother was born 'normal',we both have autism but he's level 3 and I'm level 1.

I know I sound awful saying it and I feel guilty for it but I need to get this off my chest,if he was normal my life would be sm better I probably would've never started shing, would've never been almost saed,and I wouldn't have to be terrified of him hitting me every time he has a meltdown. My parents would probably ignore me less too. I feel sympathy for my brother though,ik it's harder for him than it is for me but I still wanna talk about this.

[a-silly-poll-side-blog-yay]

Internship stuff but this time bad aka rant

I hate this system when you intern in a school/preschool

I work FOR FREE 9 hours daily 5 days in a week from 7am to 4pm

Kids and teachers get lunches they're well cooked prepared by dieticians blahblahblah and there's always a lot of it left

In may when i asked about it teacher assistant yelled at me saying that procedures blahblah they can't sign me up on the list they don't put any intern on the list teachers pay for their meals blahblah

There were moments where the principal herself told me to take some so the food won't waste and in the last group where i was the teacher assistant got me my own full plate but mentioned to keep it quiet

Lately I was randomly put to a new group after a week {they put me where they need me now i help in a 2-3yo group and this is a big mental strain bruh} and PACKED LESS FOOD bc i expected to be still in the same group

Every day the only food i have here for 9h is 2 buns because more would get noticed and possibly stolen by toddlers bc my bag is on the floor under chair

[theweirdowhowantstobeamangaka]

So...update of Yakuza: Dragon of Gardenview AU?

To cut to the chase, the AU comic in question will not be canceled.

Please understand, I get it, my friends. Qwel has done multiple horrible things, and from the day she walked into my life, it has been nothing but a living hell. But this doesn't mean I'll no longer make any Dandy's World content.

I've gradually grown attached to my own redesigns of Astro and Shelly, and heartwarming scenes of the interaction between Kazuma Kiryu and the Toons are starting to pop into my head. It would be a shame to abandon them. I have my pride as a cartoonist. Yes. Seriously.

I mean what I'm talking about. I really DO hate Qwel, but you know, I love Dandy's World. (Especially Astro! His four arms make me happy!!) According to a certain artist I respect, it's like the classic: separate art from the artist. Like separating the innocent bystander from the real criminal.

Anyway, all I want now...is for all this Qwel incident to be resolved, and for Qwel to repent for the horrible sins she committed, and, needless to say, for the victims to move forward.

Thank you for your understanding.