#lostbaby

[spoiledgirlstuff]

I’ve heard you’re still here

Just looking for a healthy body to live in

That gives me hope, somehow.

[nndvndvr]

February 25, 2023 - We decided to take a PT. Came out positive. 

January was so stressful for me, Peanut. Thought I got my period. But it was miscarriage bleeding. But thank God you stayed on mommy’s belly. 

February 27, 2023 - Me and Daddy Vincent decided to take a check up. 

*NOTE* me and your daddy is no longer together honey, but we stayed as parents for you love. 

March 3, 2023 - The day I was so excited to see you because it’s ultrasound day baby. Me and your Daddy are so excited. The way I saw you my peanut makes me wanna cry all over again baby.

But all happiness has it end. The doctor told me that I was 9 weeks pregnant and sadly you don't have a heartbeat. I was so out of words that day. And no one knows how hard to bear with the pain I’m dealing right now.

March 15, 2023 - The day of Curettage. It was so painful but nothing beats the pain I’m having right now... Missing you.

Love, mommy misses you so much right now. Every hour, everyday. It hurts me more than anything. I miss you more than life, Peanut. 

[miss-terious]

No one can understand the pain of losing your own child..

Hi Four,

I miss you everyday and I wish that I had a chance to hug you. I don't know if I can ever move on. This pain is killing me, sometimes I can't even take it. I miss you so much and I love you so much even you are not here with us.

I hope your father will realize how much he wasted both of us. I hope he always think of you, like I do. I pray that his heart softens and love us like I love both of you.

My heart is forever yours, anak.

[theladye]

Special Custom made glow in the dark Resin pyramid for memorial keepsake for lost babies! Round 9 Glad I was able to create this for my customer, it is never easy when you lose a child/children! This one has purple green colors with encased remains! #evedelights #evedelight #unique #resin #resincasting #heartbroken #dmv #dmvnetwork #keepsake #madebyme #pyramids #lovecraft #making #craftyhands #casting #lostbaby #twins #babylost #miscarraige #oneofakind #child #oneofakindart #memorial #resinart

[madame-halsey]

Hi hello I am in so much pain right now. My back is killing me, I'm cramping and spotting. We had sex yesterday and it was painful, then I started spotting again. I went to the gym today and when I came home I was spotting even more. They keep saying they don't understand why I'm still in pain and they don't see anything, but this is seriously terrible. I just want it fixed. I feel like we're never going to be able to conceive again because I can't even heal.

[madame-halsey]

CW: Probs a little TMI, miscarriage

After my last appointment at the OBGYN I was sent home with misoprostol to induce contractions to flush the rest of the fluid out of my uterus (blood) because they keep seeing fluid. Well I took the four doses (one pill every six hours) and it was painful, made me sick, and gave me migraines but almost nothing came out, and I mean that. There was some brown blood which I thought was good because that meant it was old and I wasn’t bleeding anymore. I didn’t really spot for two days after that, I even worked a double on Sunday and didn’t start spotting again. Well today I went to the grocery store with Evelyn and I wasn’t wearing underwear because A: I hate underwear and B: I didn’t think I needed them. Then I bled all over myself (thankfully I was wearing black leggings). When I got home and checked it was bright red. I’m so fucking over all of this. I really don’t think it’s my period because I still have HCG in my blood, and you won’t ovulate if your body still thinks it’s pregnant. Idk what’s going on, but I’m worried and angry and hurting and I’m so fucking over this bullshit. The whole reason I opted for the D&C was so I didn’t have to suffer much pain, so I didn’t have to go through this for so long. When can I finally just be done so I can start to move on?

[madame-halsey]

Some days I think I can do this and today isn't one of them. How am I supposed to get out of bed Or brush my hair Or shower Or brush my teeth How am I supposed to be a good mother to my daughter. My baby is dead. Two weeks ago I was pregnant and happy. I thought my baby was growing. I carried her around for four weeks, dead. My body wouldn't release her naturally. My pregnancy hormones weren't dropping. My stomach was growing. My body thought I was still pregnant. I had to have a procedure at the hospital to remove her. I had to repeat my experience over and over and over to people who I don't know, who don't know me, and who probably didn't care. I had to sit in a hospital bed and have my procedure explained to me in detail. I don't remember anything from it. I remember waking up and bleeding on the floor. When my nurse told me it was ok, I started crying. It's not ok. None of this is ok. I've had doctors visits ever since, and every time I have to talk about it again. I have to sit in a waiting room with happy, pregnant mothers and mothers with new babies. Last week I was by myself and by the time they called my name I ran to the room and started crying and my nurse held me and told me her story of losing her two babies. I fucking hate this so much. I spent six months calculating, keeping a calendar, temping, using ovulation tests. I cried six months, prayed six months for a baby. And she's just fucking gone.

[madame-halsey]

There’s this half a second when I wake up and I don’t remember what happened and then it all comes flooding back. Being in a fluorescent room by yourself, being told by someone you don’t know that your baby is gone, being sent to another room for tests and blood work… it made it seem so routine. Being pushed in a hospital bed into a cold surgery room, not knowing anyone and having a nurse hold your hand and tell you it will be OK. It’s just not. It’s not OK.

Even though my baby had stopped growing, my body didn’t want to let go of her. My hormone levels were still that of a healthy pregnant woman. My baby had been gone for four weeks and my body was still holding onto her. I have no idea why I’m writing any of this or if it will even help. I don’t want to hide away from it and make it some secret. I want to talk about it until there’s nothing left to say and I’ve cried from every thought I’ve had. I’m trying so hard to be strong and also to let myself grieve. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know how to move on. I don’t know how to go from pregnant to postpartum without a baby to show for it.

I’m holding Evelyn and Mason so tight, though. They are the only things keeping me from giving up. And that’s really all I want to do. I just want to give up.