#lottsjotts

[thejottsoflotts]

My cat is more important than me and I will die on this hill forever.

[thejottsoflotts]

Is it too much to ask for that something goes right for fucking once?

[thejottsoflotts]

The burden of being an overthinker includes:

1. Seeing what is

2. Seeing what was

3. Seeing what could be

4. Seeing what could have been

5. Seeing what could not

6. Asking what if 

within the space of two seconds, constantly, worsening at bed time.

[thejottsoflotts]

Shark Week

So very glad other people call it that too

[thejottsoflotts]

Still in progress, but so am I...here we go.

what? who? two little words yet still no clue. responsibility expectations make up a family's expectations. is it simple? not at all. if i speak family, friends i will apall. is it me? is it right? damn small towns when will it be alright? lets start with the who? who am i? who are you? you may know but i sure havent got a clue. am i meant to be the way i was born  or do i have another way to adorn do i dare or do i not push what i believe needs to be forgot? which leads me to the what. if i am what i think i am theres a little girl to be forgot. and a boy who needs to stand tall become a man but do i have the gall? as a kid i knew no better hated all things girly and pink insisted on playing in dirt mud and paint but never a second guess was had to be thinked 'hey how are you mate' 'hows your son?' mum quick to rebut and correct everyone but these comments i took in my stride and looking back even smiled with in pride i didnt know what that meant didnt have the vocab on hand and all questions mum more or less banned. 'you're a girl' words that resound in my brain and certainly causes many a pain. but

[thejottsoflotts]

Captain’s Log:

I slept like a log last night, considering work yesterday. Its still taking its time to process through my brain and sink in, but if there is one thing I am definitely glad about, its that I slept like a log, rather then staying up, thinking about it. I think putting Horton Hears a Who on last night certainly helped with trying to relax. 

And then today, at the gym on the bike. Mindless pedaling and staring at feet while doing so, certainly suckers you in to a whole ‘nother universe, making you momentarily forget you did CPR yesterday. 

The missus says I need a hobby, and I think my attendance at the gym is about to skyrocket as an outlet.

Not just because of what happened yesterday, but because of the build up of stress lately: Mum on my back to pay off my hecs debt, to organise our accommodation and flights to Queensland for the Commonwealth Games, to decline an offer for a Masters of Teaching majoring in Health, Minoring in Bio. The stress that comes with not knowing what I want to do with my life, of knowing that I want to change careers and fields, already, 10 months into working in it. The stress that comes with knowing I live a double life in terms of who I am and who I want to be, because I know my mother will be ashamed of me if I were to tell her that I want to be the man I am meant to be, as opposed to the girl I was made to be. Add to that the shame of knowing I want to change careers for my mental health and own life expectancy and you have means for disownment. She can’t be happy unless I’m letting her run the life I have currently, because its one she never will. Being of the generation that has one job and one job only, where everything is black and white, with no shades of gray in between, makes it difficult. I don’t want to live my life to her expectations, I want to pioneer my own way through this life I have.

And what better time to start, while I’m still 24? But fear...fear holds me back.

And so things go around in a vicious cycle. I thought I worked out where I was meant to be, in terms of employment,  but I can’t help but want more. I thought I could be the man I am meant to be, but feel obliged to stifle that for the needs of others (my mother and family, because “you are a girl”.) Righto mother.

And so for now, the gym, tea, and my missus keep me sane. 

If anyone ever works out how to keep the balance and stop being afraid to be them, please send help!

[thejottsoflotts]

So

dang. exhausted. Home time come at me. 1.15hr to go.

[thejottsoflotts]

I should

really do something with my begineers accreditation but the head coach is scary. And I don't think I could coach Wag as I'm just that little bit more interested in Mag. But my partner is a Mag coach and I'm new to everything gymnastics..