Summary: A twenty year old dancer, Elizabeth Payne, is recovering from a traumatic past with the help of her older brother, Liam. The two of them have been yearning for peace for quite some time, and when a good friend comes to live with them for the summer they start their journey towards finding it. Through ups, downs, relapses, and two albums- Liz fights through her own mind to get better.
Warnings: There are mentions of abuse, PTSD, and anxiety throughout every part. Also- mature content. One of the guys doesn’t turn out to be so great- this story is not intended to give him this image. This is all purely fiction.
Part Three
I woke up at seven thirteen in morning to the smell of bacon coming from the kitchen. Tossing back my sheets I stood up and took a deep breath stretching my arms in the air. I slipped a sweater over my shoulders and stepped out to the kitchen where I found Harry only in a pair of shorts hunched over the stove.
“Don’t burn yourself,” I giggled. He turned over his shoulder and smiled.
“Good morning, gorgeous!” He said in a silly voice. I shook my head and sat at the counter bar trying to hide the cheesy smile on my face. His hair was pushed to the side of his head and his eyes were still sleepy. He turned back to the stove when the bacon in the pan began to pop.
“I hope you’re hungry,” He said, “You slept the day away yesterday.” I shrugged my shoulders and sighed.
Yesterday was a day I never saw coming, but it was bound to happen eventually. I hoped no one had caught it on camera and I was extremely embarrassed Harry had seen it even though he’s seen worse.
He turned back toward the counter I was at with the plate in his hand and sat it down in front of me. He placed both his elbows on the counter and put his chin in his hands.
“Are you going to watch me eat?” I laughed. His face was serious and his eyes were moving all around my face, as if he was studying me. He took a deep breath and stood up normally.
“No I suppose not,” He picked up a piece of bacon and crunched it between his teeth, “But I do expect you to eat something.” I picked a piece up and took a few bites. It was super crispy the way I loved it and it tasted so good. I finished it and ate another. It was bringing back memories of when he would cook at the Syco house. That kitchen always smelled delicious. Harry had turned his back to me to begin cooking some eggs in a new pan and by the time he was done I had almost finished the plate. He caught me mid chew.
“Well... okay,” He said grinning at me.
“Hey, you said to eat,” I said with a mouth full.
“Liam better wake up or he’s not going to get anything,” Harry started to laugh.
“His loss.” I said reaching for another bite. Harry sat the rest of the food out and then sat beside me to eat as well. We ate quietly until he turned to look at me.
“I’m probably not allowed to ask you this,” He said at a whisper, “But are you okay?” I looked at him, then at my plate, then back to him.
“You’re allowed to ask,” I said in the same tone, “And no... I mean, I don’t know.”
“It’s okay to not know.”
“It’s exhausting. I’m beginning to feel alright but then I get an overwhelming feeling of shame, or guilt or anxiety.”
“Why do you feel guilt?” Harry asked, his tone becoming more serious.
“Guilty that I’m responsible for this. And before you tell me I’m not, because everyone tells me that, I just feel it.”
“I think it’s normal to feel that way, actually.” Harry reached over to put a hand over mine.
“Thank you,” I sighed deeply, “I always feel pain and there were even nights where... I used to miss him.” Harry looked away. I knew it was hard for anyone to hear that.
“I feel angry now... a lot,” I moved my hand to hold his and I gave it a squeeze.
“I wish you felt peace,” Harry whispered, closing his eyes.
“I will,” I whispered back.
-
When I got up in the morning I found Liz and Harry in the kitchen cracking jokes and eating breakfast. I joined them and got a roar of laughter when I asked why there wasn’t any bacon left. It was reassuring to see Elizabeth this way after the day she had yesterday. Kens had told me when she’s snapping back to what we call normal, after a situation, quicker that it means she’s getting better. Since the beginning of this summer, after we left the Syco house that day, she’s been snapping back.
Kens mentioned to me quickly on the phone before she had to hang up that when Liz saw the article that was left open on my phone that day it had triggered something in her brain. She told me that there could’ve been two reactions, one that was destructive and one that would subconsciously force her to recover. Seeing his face in a picture, reading about him, seeing him with another girl looking as if nothing had changed him had actually made her want to be better and she had no idea that that’s what’s happening.
Standing at the counter with Harry and my sister I listened as she told us that she was actually going to meet with Kens today for a cup of coffee, and needed Harry and I to tag along close behind her. This was one of the first things that has happened where I didn’t get a text from Kens first. Harry put an arm around her shoulder and agreed to come along, as did I. She thanked us and then left us to go shower and get herself ready for the day. Harry got up and began cleaning up from breakfast and I found my phone to open up my messages clicking on the bracket between Kens and I.
L- No heads up for the meeting today?
Three dots popped up as she was typing. They disappeared, but then came back.
K- Good morning to you, too! Remember that agreement? It is still in effect no matter what has happened. I apologize and I know you would always know what was happening. She’s got to start having a tiny bit of privacy... she’s requested it.
I sighed, looking away from my phone feeling a small tinge of anger. Taking a deep breath I shook my head and replied.
L- Right. I’m sorry. That will be a hard thing for me.
K- As it should be! You’re her brother. Be open to her growth and always remember that if she is in any kind of trouble or danger that I will tell you. That is in the agreement between the three of us, still.
L- Thanks, Kens. I’ll be seeing you later.
-
Harry and I sat three tables behind Elizabeth and Kens on the opposite side of the coffee shop. We were at the table closest to the door, Liz’s request. I was happy that Harry and Kens finally got to meet. She was a tall, thin woman in her late 30’s with natural light strawberry hair down her back. Kens always dressed in dark dress pants with a beautifully colored blouse on top. She wore sandals in the summer and carried a small white handbag. She mentioned to Harry that she’s heard so much about him and then the girls took to their table leaving us alone.
“How are you doing from yesterday?” I asked Harry when we sat down with our own coffees.
“Oh, you know,” Harry sighed and smiled sarcastically, “I’m going to be fine.”
“I hope she’ll be fine,” I said, glancing back at my sister. She was sitting with her feet tucked under her leaning a bit over the table to talk to Kens who had her own feet crossed under her chair. Liz was sipping a medium iced caramel latte, the same thing she got every time, and Kens had a small hot coffee.
“I believe she will be,” Harry nodded.
We both sat there comfortably, scrolling our phones or accidentally singing along to the music that was playing at the same time that ended in laughter. After some time Liz glanced over her shoulder towards us but looked at Harry and then back to Kens who was listening to her but looking at Harry and then Liz.
Harry saw her, gave her a small little smile even, and then looked at me bobbing his head slightly to the music.
-
I looked to Harry over my shoulder and then back to Kens quickly.
“That wasn’t too slick,” Kens giggled under her breath. I returned the laugh and covered my face with one of my hands.
“Now he will know I was talking about him!” I exclaimed quietly.
“It’s alright, he won’t really know,” She reassured me, “Was it a good idea to have him come stay with you guys this summer?” I looked down at my coffee and took a sip before answering her.
“I think it was,” I flashed my eyes to look at her, “I’m just scared that since I’m so far along in this and since I haven’t seen him in over a year that I’ve forgotten what it’s like to see him... as a friend.” I whispered. Kens nodded and tapped her fingertips on the wooden table.
“So, you mean, you’re seeing him as someone you can’t trust anymore?” She asked and I quickly shook my head telling her that wasn’t it.
“You’re looking at him as more than a friend, are you?” She asked me, but she knew the answer to that one. I raised my eyebrows looking a little guilty.
“That’s bad, right?” I asked quietly.
“Not at all,” Kens said reaching her hands across the table to hold onto mine, “It’s normal and very very exciting.” She squinted her eyes to me and smiled.
I glanced over my shoulder again quickly this time and caught a glimpse of Harry sitting with a hand through his hair watching the people outside the window. Liam was sitting on his phone.
“I don’t know what to do, or how to think, it’s been a day since he’s been here,” I started to ramble, “I’m not sure if this is how I really feel or if it is what do I do? Do I tell him? Do I tell Liam?” Kens watched me and waited for me to quiet down.
“Do you want Liam to know this?” She asked me, “Would you like your brother to know if you may or may not like Harry?” I quickly shut down the idea of telling Liam and shook my head giggling.
“No thank you!” I grinned at her, “I just... What if...”
“What if what, Liz?” Kens asked quietly.
“What if it all happens again?” I whispered looking at the table.
“After all this time, do you think he would want to hurt you?” She asked me, “Do you believe Harry would do something like that to you?”
“No,” I whispered so quietly even I could barely hear myself, “He wouldn’t ever hurt me.” I glanced up at Kens and she had a soft smile on her face.
“Don’t rush anything, enjoy your summer with him and your brother and don’t forget about how far you’ve come,” Kens reassured me, “You’re a very strong girl, Liz.”
-
Liz and Kens finished up and walked over to Harry and I. Liz slid into a chair beside me and Kens sat a hand on her shoulder.
“I think this was great,” She smiled, “It was nice to see you boys, and Liz it’s always nice to see you.” Liz smiled and stood to give her a hug.
“Thanks Kens,” I reached out to shake her hand, “We’ll do this again.” Kens nodded then smiled and waved to Harry before walking out the coffee shop door.
“Well?” I asked looking over to Liz.
“Yes?” She responded quietly.
“You all up for a day around the pool?” I asked. Liz and Harry both agreed quickly and with that we were out of the coffee shop.
Our car ride home was all of us singing obnoxiously along to some of Niall’s new music on the radio with Liz singing the background beat. Harry showed off some small dance moves that had Liz laughing so hard. I quieted down just to watch how Harry did it purposely knowing Liz was going to love it. Whenever Harry looked away from her she just gazed towards him and waited for him to turn back towards her.
Before I knew it we were home and Harry was opening the door for my sister, a job that was taken care of by me. We all stepped inside to change and then we found ourselves out by the pool.
Harry was ready to jump in as I was trying to clean the water. Telling him no didn’t stop him, he jumped in any way nearly soaking me. As he was underwater Liz stepped outside with her hair tied in a bun and sunglasses on. She tossed her towel on a chair and slipped off her glasses.
“Where’s Harry?” She asked and I gestured toward the water. He came up and shook his hair around, wiped his hands over his face and looked at Liz.
“You couldn’t wait?” She whined. He just looked at her. “Harry!” She shouted at him, laughing.
“Wow,” He sighed, “I mean. What?” He stammered.
“I tried to stop him, I really did.” I smiled. Liz shook her head and then got a running start to jump into the pool beside Harry. He shouted at the splash and Liz came up laughing, and then I jumped right in on the other side splashing them both as they yelled at me.
We spent that day and evening swimming, eating, laughing and singing and I couldn’t be any happier for my sister. For once her smile felt genuine. So genuine I was certain it was going to stay.
I think I’m finally moving on. My world now turns on its own instead of pivoting around you for the first time in four years. And I’m happy with that.
It’s a bizarre thing falling in love with someone after doing nothing but reusing exes for centuries.
I have become completely enamored by every aspect of his existence. But not because I need him, because I want to. I’d rather the breath from his lips than the purest oxygen in the world. I would rather freeze in his arms than be engulfed by anyone else. And that may sound crazy-
but maybe I’m just that crazy for him.
It’s weird. Learning to love someone else as much as I love myself.
But for him, I think I’m okay with learning a lesson or two. Because for the first time in six months I’m okay. I’m happy. I’m alive.
And what could possibly be wrong with that?
Am I in love with him?
No.
Am I falling fast? Absolutely.
Because I know without a doubt in my mind he’s going to be the one catching me.
Honestly, I’m not falling in love, I’m jumping off the cliff with a smile on my face because for the first time in six months, I’m okay.
Summary: A twenty year old dancer, Elizabeth Payne, is recovering from a traumatic past with the help of her older brother, Liam. The two of them have been yearning for peace for quite some time, and when a good friend comes to live with them for the summer they start their journey towards finding it. Through ups, downs, relapses, and two albums- Liz fights through her own mind to get better.
Warnings: There are mentions of abuse, PTSD, and anxiety throughout every part. Also- mature content. One of the guys doesn’t turn out to be so great- this story is not intended to give him this image. This is all purely fiction.
Part Two
It was still the beginning of June. Liam and I spent the days in the backyard swimming or laying out. I had been feeling happier since our dinner date. I still called and FaceTimed with Kens twice a week, who told me how much better I was doing, and eventually allowed me to have my phone during the days. Liam helped me avoid things I didn’t want to see, he introduced me to post blocking and how to turn on notifications for people that I did want to see.
One Sunday night I stayed on the phone with Harry for two hours, just laid out on my bed staring at my ceiling talking about the summer we were going to have if he agreed to fly over. It did not take much convincing, and he told me he would have a flight booked by the following night.
“If it was that easy I should’ve asked sooner!” I exclaimed, hearing him say that on the other line.
“Hey,” He protested, “Anything for you, sweetheart.” I paused for a split second, then laughed.
“You’re gross,” I said to him.
“And you’re sounding great, I’ll talk to you tomorrow, love.”
“Bye, Harry.”
Turning my phone over to Liam for the night was still a relief. I was not used to having total control over it for the day, although Liam told me he was willing to take it whenever I needed him to. I told him about Harry and he cheered happily and hugged me, even though I do know they talk to one another still. I said goodnight to Liam and made my way back to my room, crawling in the covers and sighing into the pillows. July was coming soon, but Harry would be here just as fast. The troublemaker who just so happened to turn into my peace.
-
I hated airports with everything in my being. The last time I was in an airport was when I flew home from the states days after the night on tour, and I was a wreck. Walking into one now some of those memories came back, but I was no longer disassociating as much so I took in the sight and tried to create a new memory.
Liam and I had our arms linked together as we were ushered by security into an area where we were able to sit by ourselves to wait for Harry. There were definitely paparazzi and people sneaking pictures but I was too excited to even think about them. I began to bounce my knee up and down, and Liam brought a hand over to hold it still.
“You’re fine,” He said to me.
“I know,” I whispered, “I’m just a little nervous. I don’t know why.”
“Well, he is linked to the greatest part of why you and I live our lives the way we do,” Liam put his arm around my shoulder and let me sink into him. He was right. Harry was the first person to jump into action without second guessing. He took one look at me and dove himself in.
“Yeah,” I sighed, closing my eyes on his shoulder.
“Don’t go falling asleep now,” Liam said with a laugh.
“Just a quick little snooze!” I joked, not opening my eyes. There were a few shouts outside the area we were in, a girl screaming, and then a few men dressed in black rounded the corner. I sat up and stared at them. Some of them turned and from the middle of them came Harry, dressed in black jeans and a dark purple button down. His hair was short and styled back, he had sunglasses sitting on the edge of his nose and a bag slung over his shoulder. He started towards me and I jumped up, running right into him jumping into his arms. He held me so tight, pulling me close so my feet came off the ground. Liam came up behind us going in to hug him, too. The men in black behind Harry stayed where they were until Harry motioned them towards us. He kept one arm around me tight.
“As much as I would love to do this here, we need to go,” He said quickly, his voice familiar and gravely. Looking up at him, under the sunnies his eyes were still just as bright and his curls were still bouncing.
“You just got here!” I exclaimed, holding a hand on his chest trying to stop him from moving. He kept his arm around me.
“I know, but I don’t think we should stay here now,” I glanced up at him and he and Liam were sharing a moment. Harry put his hand to my head and held it to his chest, “Can you trust me?” He asked.
“Of course,” I answered fast, becoming more confused. We were walking out of where we were waiting, Liam to my right and Harry to my left still holding me. The men in black were close behind us. Suddenly there was a roar of screaming and I swore I could feel my knee go weak. I couldn’t see much around me, but I knew there was a crowd of people. Cameras started to flash around us.
“Liz, you don’t listen, you hear me?” Liam said sternly, something he hasn’t said in a while, “You do not listen.”
We got closer to the people and I clung to the back of Harry’s shirt trying to keep walking in time with him and my brother. We were nearly jogging. I could barely hear from where I was against Harry’s chest, but I could hear the screams.
“Are they around us?” I nearly shouted, feeling a flutter in my chest. I prayed this wasn’t a panic attack.
“Don’t worry about it, love.” Harry said to me, keeping us moving.
“Fuck’s sake,” I heard Liam mutter beside me.
“What, Li?!” I tried to turn to him. I could feel our steps move sideways as if the crowd pushed us sideways. Harry’s grip stayed where it was on my side.
“Liam,” Harry said calmly from above me, “We’re almost to the door.” He assured me. I was about to try to come out of Harry's grasp, just so I could get a look around and see what was really happening, until a few deafening screams knocked me down.
They screamed his name. My knees went completely weak with the idea of him in the same building as me let alone the same room. They screamed it again. My mind was beginning to go fuzzy. My breathing going funny. They screamed it again, and again. I tripped over my feet and nearly fell to the floor. Harry caught me from the side and lifted me into him, setting my feet on the floor. We stopped walking. The room was spinning. The men in black came around us, pushing people away. Liam grabbed my shoulders and spoke into my ear.
“Elizabeth you can keep going,” He said squeezing my shoulders, “You can do this,” I turned to look at Liam the best I could, “Don’t let him do this to you.” He said with anger behind it.
“He’s in here,” I barely spoke, “I can’t see him.”
“You’re not going to,” Liam told me as we tried to walk again.
“He’s going to hurt me,” I choked out. Liam pulled a face like he was going to cry, then looked to Harry.
“We need to leave, now!” Liam said. Harry picked me up, slinging my legs across his other arm and eventually we came straight out the door. I was put down in the backseat beside Harry before he laid me on him and I closed my eyes.
-
Harry and I sat on my couch for the rest of that day and into the evening. Elizabeth was laying in her bed, with the door to her room open, and she wasn’t speaking to either of us. She called Kens when we got home and then when she was feeling up to talking. Kens told me that it was important to keep an eye on her for the next few days, which she knew I did anyway.
I was in complete and utter disbelief that something like this had happened today. On all days, he showed up to the same airport as we did. Elizabeth was doing so well and now that Harry was here I was hoping this summer would be a huge step in her recovery.
I had caught a glimpse of his face. He looked over directly at me and I knew he saw Harry, too. His hair was buzzed short and he was now completely covered in tattoos. He was keeping quiet in most headlines but releasing an album soon. Hard to believe he even got the first one out.
I wanted to push through that crowd and give him what he deserved, and what he did deserve was to be locked up. The judge let him off and I’m pretty sure his team paid to get him out of it. I’m just thankful we were able to get a restraining order which I’m sure was broken today but how would you avoid a situation like this.
“She’s still sleeping,” Harry came down the hall and sat back down beside me reaching for a glass on the table.
“Did you know he was going to be at that airport today?” I asked quietly, rubbing a hand on my forehead. Harry took a sip of his water and shook his head.
“Not a clue, Liam,” He said, “I even looked into it.”
“You looked into it?” I asked.
“Yes, I tried to have people check where he was... but there was no way to be certain,” He sighed setting his glass back down, sinking into the cushions, “No way to be certain of when someone is going to travel.” I nodded in agreement.
The fans always had some kind of idea when we would travel as a group. They knew to figure out which place we would stay at, and which city we were in. It was always very hard to stay discreet. I glanced towards my phone and picked it up. Clicking onto Twitter I went straight to his profile and there was nothing but promos for his album.
I searched up his name on the explore page and a few tweets popped up from today with pictures attached. Many of him coming through the airport with a bag on his back, going the opposite direction we were but still a few feet away from us. I found one of Harry and I but you could only see a bit of our heads over the security and I was relieved you couldn’t see Liz. I scrolled further down and found a story from a page about him. I opened it and quickly skimmed through the words. It mentioned how we were at the airport as well and it included Liz’s name but nothing more on our situation.
I was about to close out of it until I read how as we left, he left the airport as well. He didn’t go on a plane. He came inside and then he left, about the same time as we were in the airport. It was as if he was on our location instead of the other way around. I leaned over towards Harry to show him what I was reading.
“There’s no way he could do that!” Harry exclaimed. I shushed him quickly.
“He did a lot of things we never knew he would ever do,” I muttered, “I’m not saying that's what this is, just seems a bit strange.”
“He shows up to an airport and doesn’t get on a plane,” Harry scoffed, “What was his intention of going then?!” I had to shush him again.
“Just promise me, we don’t share this information. We have to keep things as normal as we can,” I explained, “Before today she was doing incredible. We were going out and she was happier, she even started dancing a bit.” A smile grew on Harry's face.
“She hasn’t danced at all since before we knew about them, right?” He asked knowing we both knew that answer. I nodded and looked down towards my knees. We sat in a comfortable silence for a minute or two.
“Thanks for coming here, Harry.” I said quietly looking towards him.
“You know I care a great deal about her,” He said back to me, “After that night I didn’t want to leave. I had nightmares when I went to write and record my album and even on tour.” I watched him scrunch his face and put his head into his hands.
“I don’t blame you. You had to break him away from her, knock him down.” I nearly whispered.
“Sign of the Times,” He said, raising his head, “It’s about her.” He whispered. I kept my eyes on his face. He rubbed his eyes and sighed.
“I don’t even know what happened between us to turn us into what we are now,” He said, “We weren’t as close... I dated her horrible friend who left her... and now she and I can’t go a day without speaking.” I nodded him along with a few encouraging responses.
“You have played a huge part in her recovery,” I mentioned, “Without you I’m not sure she’d be where she is now.” He smiled softly.
“And to think at first I was worried about you,” I laughed. Harry’s face twisted in confusion.
“What!” He burst into laughter, “Why me!” I shrugged.
“You were feisty when we were younger!” I grinned, “I figured you’d be the one enticing her.”
“I wouldn’t do something to her like that,” He paused, “Unless she asked me.” He smirked at me.
“Harry!” I gasped.
“You know I’m joking,” He swatted at my hands, “She’s always deserved respect. Even if my heart got the best of me when she came to live with us,” He shook his head, “I knew how he would be towards her... I guess somehow... I was trying to stop that relationship from happening.”
Harry and I went on to talk about his album and then my music and then about the rest of our time together before we decided to go to bed. We both checked on Elizabeth in her room before we headed off. She was sound asleep between her sheets on her back with her hands over her head. Harry and I said goodnight to one another and slipped into our rooms.
Summary: A twenty year old dancer, Elizabeth Payne, is recovering from a traumatic past with the help of her older brother, Liam. The two of them have been yearning for peace for quite some time, and when a good friend comes to live with them for the summer they start their journey towards finding it. Through ups, downs, relapses, and two albums- Liz fights through her own mind to get better.
Warnings: There are mentions of abuse, PTSD, and anxiety throughout every part. Also- mature content. One of the guys doesn’t turn out to be so great- this story is not intended to give him this image. This is all purely fiction.
Part Seven
Laying down across my couch the tv played meaningless sitcoms as I scrolled through my phone. Twitter was alive as I interacted with some of my fans, and I watched the trending hashtags closely like I usually did.
Some people were tweeting questions about my sister, about my sister and Harry and about my sister again.
Her name hadn’t been out in the world this huge since it happened. She was posted all over social media, her face across nearly every magazine in the world with trashy articles written about her left and right. There were a few that steered away from it and supported her, and I personally reached out to those companies to thank them and to help them work on any future projects.
Now that Elizabeth had been spotted three times in the same month, the world didn’t know how to act.
What happened to my sister didn’t die down until a year after it happened. She went into hiding, we put her into hiding, and made sure she was completely out of the public eye.
A new tweet popped up to the top of my feed.
@julesstevens798: your sister sure knows how to run through your group of friends huh. #liampayneqanda
I stared at it for a moment and watched as a few replies followed it.
@onedxalways54: Shut up!!! U dont know her or them!! Leave her alone. She went through serious shit.
@julesstevens798: so she gets to whore around again with another one direction guy?! seems messed up to me. isnt she fucked up in the head anyway!?
I wanted to block her and throw my phone away, but instead I refreshed the page. Torturing myself some more.
@camcam_ryannn: @julesstevens798 And Harrys entire album was about Kendall who are we kidding. One D Always can shut her mouth. Harrys just looking for a fuck. #liampayneqanda
@julesstevens798: @camcam_ryannn and easiest way to get it is to use someone mentally unstable!!!! LOL!!!!
@camcam_ryannn: @julesstevens798 I bet she knows what shes doing too. How long has it been shes had sex am I right?!?!?
@julesstevens789: @camcam_ryannn lol girl, who knows where shes been and who shes been with!!!! they probably all slept with her when she lived with them before!!! probably why she moved in!!!
I stopped myself from reading the thread between those two girls and tossed my phone to the side. I buried my face into my hands and let out a scream. Something I could only do when I was completely alone. My heart was on fire and I could feel it through my entire body. I jumped up and paced around my living room. I tried reminding myself that those people online really have no idea what they’re talking about. They don’t know what's on the inside. They don’t know how many nights I held my sister as she cried herself to sleep.
How two years ago I found her lying on my kitchen floor in a ball screaming that she did this to herself with tears streaming down her face. I couldn’t get her up on my own, I could barely hold myself together. I knew I had to for her sake, so I called Harry. By the time he got to my house Elizabeth was sitting up with her face against my kitchen cabinets still sobbing as I tried to hold onto her. Harry ran through the front door, leaving it open behind him, and threw himself to the ground in front of her. He tried to grab onto her hands and she fought him away.
“Don’t touch me!” She shouted at him, “Don’t come near me!” Harry sat back and watched her. He looked all over her and closed his eyes.
“Elizabeth,” He said in a soft voice. She didn’t acknowledge him, “Elizabeth.” He said again, opening his eyes.
“Stop!” She shouted covering her ears. I sat back leaning against the cabinet next her and covered my face trying my hardest to hold back my tears. “Go away,” She demanded, “Go!”
“I’m not leaving,” Harry said in the same tone he spoke in before.
“Please! Leave!” She shouted, sliding her body down to lay completely on the floor where she was before. “You shouldn’t be here,” Her voice got quiet but still she cried. I looked up to Harry who was looking at me with a sad expression and he quickly returned his attention to my sister. “I shouldn’t be here,” She said quickly and stopped her crying abruptly.
“What are you talking about?” Harry asked, maintaining his gentle voice. Normally I could handle myself in a situation like this, but it never got this bad. My hands were shaking as I sat beside my sister unable to comfort her. She sat up and glanced around the room, not looking at me or Harry.
“I shouldn’t be here,” She whispered. Her lips were red, her eyes were bloodshot and her skin was pale and washed out. Her cheeks were stained with tears and her hair was in the same bun it's been in for weeks. It’d been a month since we’d been home from the tour.
“I don’t... deserve this,” Her hands started to shake. She tucked her knees into her chest, “I don’t deserve him, he’s so much better without me. I ruined his life. I don’t deserve to be here, to have you or anyone,” She looked to me with sad eyes, “Why is life worth it, why should I even try?” I reached over to hold onto her hands a bit too fast and she flinched, jumping away, pinning herself to the cabinet with a crash. She stared at me with her eyes wide open. My hands, still out in the air, fell to my lap and I cried.
“I’m not going to hurt you,” I said clearly, “You know me, you know who I am. I’m not going to hurt you.” She stared at me, her eyes still wide, and she watched me cry. We sat that way for a minute.
“No,” She said and swiftly stood up and hurried away from the both of us. Harry jumped up and chased after her. I took a deep breath and got up to follow them. When I turned into the bathroom where they were, Harry had my sister in his arms. He had his back pressed against the shower with Elizabeth facing away from him sobbing into her arms mumbling something I couldn’t even understand. Harry, still somehow staying strong, nodded at me and closed his eyes for a second.
“We have to take her,” He whispered and she sobbed again clearly shouting and disagreeing with him into her arms. I let more tears fall, swallowed my pride and left to grab the car keys.
Harry carried her out to the car clearly strong enough to resist her fighting and he held her against him in the backseat. No one spoke until the car was in park. Liz had stopped crying and uncovered her face to look at Harry. He gave her a soft smile. She sat up, looked out the window and let out a staggered breath.
“You should just leave me here,” She sniffled and wiped her face with her sleeves.
“We won’t be doing that,” Harry said firmly. She looked at him, then to me, then to Harry and began to cry again.
“Come on,” She fell back toward his chest and with that we brought her out of the car and into the hospital and stayed with her there overnight.
I fell back into the sofa and sunk into the cushions directing my attention to the TV. I did tap on my phone once to check the time. It read 8:07. I frowned at it, crossed my arms over my chest and looked at the TV again. Tapping my right foot against the floor I did my best to fight the urge of calling Harry. He and my sister had been out since about 10 o’clock this morning. He told me they’d be home before the sunset, but that timeframe was quickly coming to a close. I hadn’t heard from either of them all day. I had actually planned for nothing to do for the sole purpose of being free to answer my sister's calls, but I assume she’s fine. The moment I reached for my phone ready to call him, the front door swung open. Harry waltzed in with my sister under his arm and they were laughing. I watched them quietly. Elizabeth twisted herself around and wrapped her arms around Harry's back, her face in line with his chest. He was incredibly taller than her. Her chin was tilted up and she was smiling at him. His arms fell around her as he smiled back and touched his forehead to hers. He whispered something to her and she blushed. He whispered to her again and she grinned. Their eyes never parted.
She said something to him and he took a second to answer. Whatever he said to her made her frown, but he quickly said something right after to make her laugh. She pushed him away shaking her head.
“Harry!” She nearly snorted. I clicked the TV off and their heads turned to me in shock, both their mouths fell open.
“Hi,” I said happily and a little uneasy. Elizabeth hesitated a moment but then she hurried her way in the living room to hop on the couch beside me. Her face was glowing and her smile was beaming. Her hair and makeup weren’t as done up as they were when she left this morning, but she looked beautiful. She leaned into me for a hug. Pulling her in I saw Harry over her shoulder watching us with his hands in his pockets. He gave me a small smile, and I pulled away from Elizabeth before I thought about returning it back to him. My mind still influenced by Twitter.
“How was your day?” I asked giving her my full smile and attention. Harry looked unsure to me as he slummed his way around the other couch to sit down. My eyes didn’t deter from my sister. Elizabeth talked for fifteen minutes about the day they had, Harry chiming in now and then to answer her questions and to clarify things for me. The coffee they had, the records they bought, the hats they tried on, the drums that she played, the ice cream and the dinner they ate.
“I asked if we could walk the rest of the way home once we turned the corner to our neighborhood,” Her eyebrows raised.
“You know where that is?” I questioned pulling a face. She nodded.
“Course I do. I don’t forget Liam,” She poked a finger to my chest, “We got out of the car and walked,” She sighed, her eyes closing, “The air was wonderful. To be outside at that hour surrounded by nothing but green.” Glancing to Harry, his elbow was on the arm of the sofa with his head resting in his hand. He was gazing at her with a smile.
“It was so... ethereal.” She let out a breath as if she’d been holding it in. Harry and I were both surprised by her choice of words.
“You’ve been spending too much time with him,” I joked pointing to Harry. Elizabeth covered her mouth and laughed. She looked over her shoulder at Harry, the two of them smiling, and she pulled her bottom lip between her teeth. I cleared my throat gently to break the silence and Elizabeth turned to me.
“I think I might go call Kens, is that okay?” She asked. I looked at her confused.
“You don’t have to ask,” I told her, “Are you okay?” My mind trickled back to Twitter.
“Yeah!” She breathed, “I just want to tell her about today that’s all.” Her smile was still on her face. Harry and I both let her go off to her room. Harry watched her all the way until she turned the corner of the hallway.
“So,” I started and waited for him to look back at me. I took a much needed deep breath, “It was a good day, yeah?” Harry sat forward, elbows to his knees, and looked me in the eye.
“You have the greatest sister,” He said, his voice quiet, “She and I had the best day I’ve had in a long time. Unbelievable to think of where she was just last year, mentally.” The use of that word threw my mind for a spin. I looked down at my feet and continued to listen.
“She went a lot longer than I thought she was going to. I thought after the record store we would’ve been done and coming back,” He scoffed, “I was very wrong.” I nodded along my eyes looking at him again.
“Liam,” He leaned forward a tiny bit more, “She was singing in the car, she was dancing to the music in the car, she was acting like she was when she was eighteen.” His voice was low. A smile snuck onto my face.
“I couldn’t tell you what’s happening,” I said truthfully, “She’s...” My voice trailed off.
“Getting better,” Harry finished my thought. We looked at each other with a smile before his fell. He sat back on the couch and looked at his lap. He looked like he had something to say. Now was my time to lean forward, elbows to my knees. His eyebrows were low as his eyes flickered to find mine.
“What?” I asked softly with a hint of big brother in it. Harry licked his lips and took a breath.
“We kissed in the park on the way home,” He spoke guiltily softly. I felt a tinge of anger. As a brother you don’t really want to hear those things about your sister especially from one of your good friends, and with the situation we’re in here at home I didn’t know how to take it. We sat in silence. The sound of Elizabeth's feet came barreling down the hallway. Harry and I both sat up straight to see her. She hightailed her way into me and nearly fell on top of me.
“Kens!” She exclaimed, “She’s so happy! She’s calling you tomorrow, Liam. I feel so great,” She held her chest breathing heavily, “Gosh, I can’t catch my breath.” She groaned, immediately looked to Harry and the two of them shared a laugh.
“Alright, well tell her I’m looking forward to it,” I grinned. She said goodnight to Harry and I, and popped her phone into my hands without thinking twice about it and walked back toward her room.
“I was on twitter not too long ago,” I started. Harry's head turned to me, “And I read some things I didn’t need to read.”
“Oh no, Liam,” Harry giggled a bit, “Don’t you remember the first rule from media training!” He joked and I could remember those days of sitting in a room for hours learning the ways. I talked over my laughter.
“I do, trust me, but as a brother I had to forget that rule.”
“How long ago was it on there?” Harry asked, pulling his phone out.
“Harry, you don’t have to-“ I started to say but he found it quick. He pulled a face.
“No, no,” He stated. His eyes continued to read and they shot open wide, “This is disgusting!” He shouted. I shushed him for Elizabeth’s sake.
“I know. It’s terrible,” I agreed. Harry tossed his phone on the coffee table not even bothering to lock it.
“Alright Liam Payne Q and A,” He scooted to the end of the couch he was on to get closer to mine, “What do you have to say about them, because I know something is coming.” Harry squinted his eyes. I know he’s waiting for me to get angry, and for me to throw a fit. He’s waiting for me to blame him. To put all of this on him as if he wrote those tweets himself because that’s how I used to treat this stuff. I brought my hand to the back of my neck and shook my head.
“It’s not her’s, nor is it your fault those tweets were written,” I said. Harry scoffed, telling me I was right, “It just makes me upset that people could think those things about her... and you.” Harry shrugged.
“That’s been our lives, Liam,” He explained, “Every person we’re seen with, every place we go, everything we say. All of it is always twisted, always pulled out of proportion. Everything everyone knows about us is not even half true.”
“Yeah,” I bobbed my head.
“Don’t let teenagers on twitter affect you or your life. You’ve come so far with your sister and you know her heart. You know who she’s been with and where she’s been. Right?” He schooled me.
“Right,” I answered.
“Right!” He exclaimed, “I kissed your sister, but I swear I won’t do it again nor will I lay a finger on her until I know you’re going to be okay.” He stated looking me straight in the eye. I could see the heat in his face, the passion behind his words. He spoke from his heart, he always has. With everything in me I trusted him. He’s stuck with us for so long, and he keeps coming back. He comes back to see her. He came back to help me take care of her on multiple occasions. Looking at our past it was clear his heart was always there at the frontline. He was just about to leave me and I stopped him in his tracks.
“Harry,” I said, lifting a hand to make him pause. He sat back down and waited. Folding my hands together I held them on top of my forehead, “I think... you need to...” Harry shook his head and shot me a crazy look.
“What?” He asked in a funny voice.
“I think you need to let it happen,” I said looking him in the eyes. He stared back at me in shock, and I could tell he had a smile in there somewhere.
“Really?” He whispered, not making a move.
“Yes,” I answered swiftly ignoring the darker side of my mind, “It’s clear you’re both... in love.” I thought of another word to use but there wasn’t one.
“She is?” He was still whispering and had barely moved.
“Oh, she hasn’t said anything?” I questioned, but smirked, knowing what I just did.
“No, neither of us said anything.”
I ran a hand under my chin and nodded.
“Interesting,” I said mysteriously. Harry still sat there frozen staring at me, “Harold, get it together.” I laughed, clapping my hands together. He didn’t move but his smile grew larger and larger.
“Thanks Liam,” He said, and with that he left the room and started down the hall to his room. He and Elizabeth both turn left at the end of the hallway to get to their rooms, and I’m the only one who makes a right. Letting that information marinate in my brain for a moment, it actually didn’t bother me as much as I thought it was going to. He got to the end and I’m pretty sure I watched him fist bump himself a ‘hell yeah’ as he turned the corner. I found my phone and held it up to unlock it. I quickly swiped out of twitter and went into my messages where I had two waiting for me from Kens.
K-Evening! It seems as though our girl has had a lovely day. I’d like to call you tomorrow for you and I to chat a bit about it.
K- Elizabeth told me you were okay with a call. I’ll be in touch tomorrow!
I didn’t bother to explain why I hadn’t answered, she knew I was home with Elizabeth and Harry. I sent her a thumbs up, locked my phone and started for my bedroom. Glancing to my left when I got to the end of the hallway, Harry's door was shut but my sisters was open. She always left her door open at night. I stepped to it quietly and peeked my head in. Instead of curling up into a ball like she usually did, she had both her hands over her head and she was laying on her back with her knees tucked in. She looked insanely at peace. I blew her a kiss and went to bed.
Summary: A twenty year old dancer, Elizabeth Payne, is recovering from a traumatic past with the help of her older brother, Liam. The two of them have been yearning for peace for quite some time, and when a good friend comes to live with them for the summer they start their journey towards finding it. Through ups, downs, relapses, and two albums- Liz fights through her own mind to get better.
Warnings: There are mentions of abuse, PTSD, and anxiety throughout every part. Also- mature content. One of the guys doesn’t turn out to be so great- this story is not intended to give him this image. This is all purely fiction.
Part Four
Harry, Liam and I were around the pool all evening. Bags of food, empty cans of soda and a few empty bottles of my brothers favorite beer was all that was left around the patio. I had a towel wrapped around me as I went about the concrete gathering things up. Liam crashed at one o’clock leaving Harry and I to be the ones to clean up.
“He got up again and said he was going to get a shower,” Harry sighed coming outside with a garbage bag, “Then he told me not to worry, that it’s apparently Thursday and that he doesn’t have work tomorrow, so he went back to bed.” I laughed under my breath and shook my head at my brother's drunk nonsense. I could feel my wet hair wrapped on top of my head in a bun get that ache and I knew it had to come down.
“What time is it Harry?” I unwrapped my towel and put it on a chair then reached up to my hair and unravelled the twist.
“About two,” He answered.
My hair was still wet but felt dried out from the chlorine. I shook my head side to side and heard Harry gasp.
“Watch it!” He shouted. I whipped my head around as fast as I could to look at him. He had his hands up at his sides looking at me with his eyes wide.
“Did I get you?” I asked quietly, trying to hold back a laugh. He slumped down and gave me a look.
“Did I get you?” He mocked dropping the cans in his hands rushing over to me. I shrieked and ran towards him but just missed his arms purposely.
“Come on!” Harry shouted.
“NO!” I shouted back. I rounded the pool scanning the fence and Harry was around the other side. We stared each other down, neither of us daring to move.
I looked him up and down. His brown curls messy, his green eyes a little bloodshot from the water, his skin tanned, his old shorts from the summer I was eighteen and a smile that could melt my heart.
“You know you wanna move!” He called over to me. Neither of us budged. I cracked a smile. “Bring that little smirk over here!” He waved his hands towards himself. I took a deep breath.
“You come over here mister big shot!” I said. Harry put his hands by his side and shrugged his shoulders.
“Okay,” He said nonchalantly and started to run around the pool. I instantly let out a shout and ran the other way. Harry was catching up to me, cons to having the shortest legs ever, and I started to dive between patio furniture knocking an end table over to knock him off his path. He barreled over it and caught me in his arms pulling me into him.
“I got you!” He laughed squeezing me in.
“Dammit,” I sighed trying to catch my breath. I brought my hands up to rest on his arms that were still crossed around my chest. “I can’t keep up like I’m eighteen anymore.” I said, still catching my breath. Harry still held me the same as when he caught me.
“Well, if you start to dance again you might be able to,” He said. I couldn’t see his face but I knew what he was doing. He and Liam definitely had a conversation about this.
“Don’t start with that,” I started.
“Why not?” He asked immediately.
“Because-“
“Because why? Because you loved it? Because it’s what makes you the happiest?” Harry said softly and held me a bit tighter. I held his arms a little tighter in return.
“Dance is your love. Your passion. Your drug and I believe you’ve been going through a withdrawal,” He nearly whispered into my ear, “You were the most beautiful dancer I’ve seen. You were driven and hardworking.” His arms came undone and his hands slid up onto my shoulders. My arms fell back by my side.
“I swear I would sing you anything, anywhere if it meant you would dance again.” This time he whispered to me. Chills ran down my back making me take a deep breath.
I didn’t want to move. I knew if I moved he would move and I did not want him to move. The only sound I could hear was that of the pool's filter and the crickets in the grass. I swear I could feel Harry's heart beat on my back and if I could feel his that meant he could feel mine pounding in my chest. We stood like this for a minute but it felt like eternity.
“Turn around,” Harry said. Nerves stirred in my stomach.
“What?” I whispered, my heart rate nearly skyrocketing.
“Turn,” He said more sure of himself. I slowly turned to face him in the grasp of his arms. We looked at each other eye to eye. His face was golden with a bit of pink under his eyes from the sun. He slid his left arm around my waist, his hands brushing over my bare skin. His right hand grasped my left and he held it out to the side intertwining our fingers. He looked to my right hand and nodded for it to come to his shoulder. He looked down to our feet, back to my eyes and then our feet again. I crinkled my eyebrows watching him. He cleared his throat and looked at me again. I finally caught on and put my feet on top of his with a breathy laugh.
“Any requests?” He asked looking all proper towards me with a smile and his chin high. I laughed again and he didn’t budge. I sighed and gave him an answer.
“A Harry Styles original, Sign of the Times,” I said. His smile faltered a bit and his lips parted, “It’s my favorite.” I whispered.
“It is?” He asked.
“Of course. How could your first song not be my favorite?” I answered. He smiled and closed his eyes with a breath. Almost as if he was relieved with my answer. He pulled me a bit closer, started humming before singing and we swayed side to side.
Halfway through his song I was lost in the music. My eyes were closed and it was clear I was leading our movement. Harry pressed our bodies together and I laid my head against his chest. The two of us rocked along to the lyrics that struck my heart in the best way when I first listened to it.
By the end of it I didn’t want to let go. I wanted to melt into this moment forever. The warmth of having him so close and how comfortable and fitting it felt. How safe I felt being in his arms. He slowed his singing and our dance came to a finish. I stayed against him for a moment. He didn’t seem to move either. We paused, both of us taking it in. He then undid our hands and brought his arms around my back and mine found their way around his. He kissed the top of my head and I looked up toward him. I swore he started to come closer until our attention was immediately turned to my left to the sound of a click. We stood in silence listening.
“Maybe it was-“ Harry was cut off by two more clicks that came in a row.
“Harry,” I said so quietly I’m not even sure he could hear me.
“Sh,” He shushed. One of his arms came up around me, his hand holding the back of my head bringing it into his chest protectively. The only thing that moved was his head shifting side to side.
Another click. Then two more. Harry took a deep breath.
“That’s a fucking camera,” He whispered and suddenly started for the door keeping me tucked close to him. My heart rate rocketed again and not in the fun way. We fumbled through the door, he didn’t let go of me, instead he scattered around for his phone and dialed in a number. I could hear it ringing, only once, and then a man answered.
“Matteo I need you here now. There’s someone on the property who should not be here. Thank you,” Harry hung up the phone and looked at me. I stared at him with wide eyes. “You’re going to be okay.” He reassured me.
“Who would even...” I trailed off not even wanting to think about why someone would be on my brothers property at two thirty in the morning.
“Most likely a paparazzi looking for a buck,” He said but could tell his answer wouldn’t soothe my anxiety. I took a deep breath and then one right after. Two breaths turned into four. Then six.
Harry turned me toward him completely and put his hands on either side of my face. I looked into his eyes and felt a tear fall out of mine. He took a deep breathe in through his nose and out through his mouth. He closed his eyes and did it again. My heart was beating faster and faster. He opened his eyes and pressed his forehead down against mine.
“Do it,” He said and he breathed again. I tried to follow him the best I could, “You got it, keep going.” We took eight breaths that I could count before I could feel my feet again and by that time Harry’s phone went off. He didn’t break eye contact with me when he answered it. Matteo was here and had someone else with him. Harry set the phone down and watched me.
“Do you want to be out here when Matteo comes in or do you want to go to bed?” He asked me. I shrugged my shoulders.
“I-I-I don’t know, will you be safe? Is it okay if you go out there or...” I twirled my fingers around. Harry smiled and hugged me.
“I’m going to be okay and I need you to be okay. I’ll take you to your room, you need to go to sleep,” We started down the hallway. Harry intertwined our fingers and we walked in silence. He stopped at my door and opened it for me.
“Thanks for dancing with me,” He smiled and leaned in to kiss the top of my head again. I heard the front door open.
“Thanks for singing to me,” I returned his smile. “Goodnight.”
“Goodnight.” He said.
And with that he went around to Matteo and I could only hear the mumble of their voices. I turned into my room and changed from my bathing suit to a sweatshirt and shorts and slipped into bed. I laid awake for a while listening to the guys. The backdoor opened and closed a few times as did the front door. I heard Harry's laugh a few times and then it fell quiet for a bit. It was in the middle of the noise when I started to drift to sleep, still thinking back to that moment Harry and I shared by the pool. I smiled and closed my eyes letting myself fall asleep.
-
Morning came as fast as the night went. I was woken up again to the smell of breakfast being made. Tossing the covers off of me I hurried to the kitchen hoping Harry may look the way he did yesterday morning. To my subtle disappointment my brother was awake with Harry who was dressed and ready for the day.
“Good morning!” Harry greeted me. I smiled at him and hopped onto a stool right beside my brother. I laid my head on Liam's shoulder and he put his arm around my back.
“Good of you to be up,” I laughed, “You left us early.” Liam shook his head.
“Jokes on me,” He groaned, “I haven’t been hungover in a long time. I blame Harry, this only happens with him.”
“Hey,” Harry said from the stove flipping over a pancake before turning to Liam pointing the spatula at him, “You put that beer in your own hand. This has nothing to do with me.” He turned back to the stove. I laughed at both of them.
“Whatever you say Harry,” He paused, “So before the security breach happened how much of the party did I miss?” I flickered my eyes up to Harry who gave me a side eye barely turning his head obviously signaling me to answer Liam. I took my head off my brother's shoulder and shrugged.
“Not much honestly, we were just trying to clean up,” I said without any excitement in my voice. Harry stifled a laugh. “What happened last night with the... the security... thing.” Liam and Harry went on to explain that Matteo and his partner, Harry's security, patrolled the entire property and came across a paparazzi who was in fact snapping pictures of us since before Liam went to bed. It had gotten so quiet between Harry and I that that was how we heard him. He was arrested but was most likely going to be released right away.
“That's entirely not right!” I exclaimed, “He violated our privacy and completely crossed a line! They just let anyone out of jail regardless of what they’ve done these days I swear.” Liam and Harry shared the same serious look between each other.
“You’re telling me,” Liam shook his head. Harry looked down, flipped the pancakes to a plate and slid them in front of Liam and I. My brother and I both reached for one, bumping hands, and fought for a piece. Neither of us used a plate and instead ate it straight from our hands like we always did since we were kids. Harry watched us and grinned. He reached for a piece and ate it the same way.
“You guys are great,” He cheesed and took a bite.
“So what does...” I started with my mouthful and waited till I finished my pancake, “What do we do from now on? What's changing about security and stuff?”
“Well for starters Matteo and Jack, my security, will be here overnight,” Harry stated.
“I’ve already looked into changing my fencing and gate,” Liam said.
“And new cameras and scanners are coming in,” Harry finished their explanation as if they rehearsed it.
“So no need to worry?” I asked, my eyes widening a bit. Liam put a hand against my back and shook his head.
“That makes me feel a little better,” I nodded.
“A little?” Harry asked.
“Yep. I need a shower and then I’ll be all the way better,” I smiled. They both shooed me away and playfully groaned. I hurried away around to my room and got myself together. I grabbed two towels and a change of clothes before turning out of my room. Starting down the hall I put my things in the bathroom, started the shower and realized I didn’t grab my phone from Liam. I came back out into the hallway and bumped right into Harry.
“Oh geez, I’m sorry,” He said, grabbing onto my arm.
“That’s okay,” I giggled. We looked at each other for a second and just smiled.
“Are you okay?” Harry whispered. I paused before answering, taking in this second.
“Yes,” I nodded, “And I mean that.” My eyes squared in on his and he sighed.
“Get outta here,” I could see him holding back a smile as he pushed my arm away. Turning away from him to go out to my brother I could feel his eyes on me. I glanced over my shoulder and he had a small smile on his face. My heart skipped a beat. It was impossible to think that there was a slight chance he and I were on the same page.
I miss you. All the time. But it’s not the big gestures that I miss. No, not that. It’s the simple things that I never thought of appreciating. I miss the way you’d watch every video or picture I’d send you and provide appropriate commentary instead of a bland “oh okay” or “lol.” I miss the how anytime we took selfies you were always smiling at me in the first one, as though I was all you wanted you wanted to stare at.
It’s those little moments of healthiness that get me every time someone mentions how toxic you were for me. You were never my oxygen- you were my heroine.
You were a cake while I was on a diet. You were smoke entering my tattered lungs after I promised myself I would quit but god it just feels so good.
And how could anything that feels so good possibly be bad?
I miss being able to tell you my every thought with the simple stroke of a pen.
I never thought the connection we built could be broken by something as simple as 978.9 miles.
But one good thing has come out of this despair
I’m learning to love myself in ways I never knew were possible. You taught me that by not appreciating the small things I did for you whenever you didn’t do a single thing for me.
I never even got a thank you for the support, or the comfort whenever you had bad dreams. Instead you moved onto her. Her of all people, and I didn’t even get the decency of a warning.
I’m realizing I’m giving you to much credit because you were in fact my heroine.
And as addicts do, I was making up reasons for why you were good for me, and ignoring the negative side effects.
But now it’s time to let you go
Because now I don’t need the heroine to feel alive.
