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Life in 3 pictures,,
❤️☘️!.
LGBTQ+
I don’t know if I ever posted such a thing like this before, but here goes nothing. Here’s to hoping I touch a life of someone else who is in a similar situation like I am. (Warning! I will be using explicit language and the visuals you will have in your mind, are from conversations I would have had in the past).
On October 4, 2002, I came out of the closet to both my parents. I figured I couldn’t keep who I was a secret, and the amount of anxiety attacks I would have from keeping a secret like that from them, bugged the shit out of me. When I told them, I wasn’t told, “I know” “we still love you” or even “everything is going to be okay.” Instead, my father sat in silence while my mum told me that if I was gay, that meant, “You will get fucked up the ass and die of AIDS before the age of 21.” For a bit, I was in denial, because at the time, I didn’t discover pornography on the web, and I didn’t know people could be a top, bottom, or even versatile. However, I remember going to bed that night crying because I wasn’t believed by my own parents. Day after day, I resented the fact I told them, and I didn’t have a friend to confide in at school to tell them what went down when I came out of the closet. I always already bullied for being different, and rumors would go around about me being gay, but I never dared to tell anyone. I was too scared to. I mean, wouldn’t you? My school was a little over an hour away from home, but I didn’t even have friends in my neighborhood to confide in about me being gay either. Looking back, there were a couple people I would chat with from time to time, and they gave me the impression they were either gay or they would have been okay with me telling. However, I kept who I was a secret. The bullying in the neighborhood was so bad, that one time, a bunch of kids on their bikes, without wearing a shirt, asked me if I wanted a piece of their ass. I never found out who they were, they were much farther from me as I was walking my dog, that I didn’t get a good glimpse of who they might have been. For a couple years, my father tried to scare homosexuality out of me by telling me “gay horror sex stories” about what would happen to a guy’s ass if they got fucked entirely way too much up there, while my brother and mother were being very homophobic. Today, in 2020, my mum doesn’t remember ever telling me that she used to say things like, “there is no place in heaven for you” or “you are going to hell.”
After my affair with a married man when I was at the age of 22, my father brought me home from the hospital because I had an anxiety attack on Easter Sunday in 2011, because my mum told me I couldn’t see my friend anymore because she claimed I was making him gay. I remember telling her, “you either are, or you aren’t. There is no in-between.” I was however, worried, she was going to find out I lost my virginity to this man and decided to go to the emergency room and I remember crying in front of the hospital’s social worker and the doctor why my anxiety was so bad. They didn’t tell me it was okay to be gay, they just sat there and listened. I remember telling the nurses that if my mum comes to the hospital asking for me, I do not want you to let her back in the emergency room with me. She did however come, and they told me they were getting ready to the call the police on her. I went out there and told her to go home and I don’t want to see her ever again. That night though, my dad did come to get me and he brought me home. I remember to this day that he patted me twice on the leg and said, “It’s okay to be gay, as long as you are safe and careful, but please don’t ever have another affair. Don’t ruin someone else’s marriage.”
Fast forward, eventually my brother came around and in 2016, my mum sort of came around. I remember reading a doctor’s note that mentioned how sorry my mum felt for not being the mother I needed when I came out. I also believed that my mum finally came to terms with who I was. Needless to say, I was wrong. And as of 2020, I found out.
See, last year, around April or May, I came out to my parents as non-binary, my mum believed I needed a diagnosis of that, while my father said I was telling himself he already knew. However, I said “I wanted to tell you guys instead of you assuming I might be transgender, or even something else just based upon you guys doing your own research.
About a month ago, my mum and I had a heated conversation about the fact that I had accepted the fact she is an alcoholic and I accepted the many consequences that followed suite. She claimed I really didn’t, but I told her I did regardless of what God told me to do. I also said, “it is just like you accepting that I am gay and non-binary.” She told me she doesn’t accept those things because it is a sin and her God says it is wrong. She also left it with a statement by saying, “I accept the fact that you are my child, and I know I cannot change you.” That really hurt, because after four, almost five years, I really thought her logical thinking of me being gay was different, however, I was very wrong. This is where I am going to say what I have been wanting my soul focus of my blog to be about.
In the Bible, John 13:34-35 to be exact says, “So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other.” Jesus never said to love your neighbor until that person is drunk, a prostitute, gay, Muslim, etc. He just told us to love each other as He loves us. Let me tell you something quick about me, from the very beginning of time, I have always loved people and accepted everyone despite their differences because someone might have it a whole lot worse than me. I grew up until the age of ten as a non-believer in Jesus. Sure, I went to the Kingdom Hall for two weeks, every summer when I went to see my grandmother until she couldn’t drive anymore, but knowing she is a Jehovah Witness, but I wasn’t a full believer and church goer until I was ten. But even then, I still loved and accepted everyone despite their differences, because someone in my circle at church, might have it worse than me. Eventually, when I was taught that scripture of John 13:34-35, I was all like, “well, that’s something I have always done and I guess I am already following a command from God that I didn’t know about. My boyfriend pointed out earlier this week, that there is a passage in the Bible that talks about us doing things without even knowing that there is scripture about it, the passage is Romans 2:14-15 “Even Gentiles, who do not have God’s written law, show that they know his law when they instinctively obey it, even without having heard it. They demonstrate that God’s law is written in their hearts, for their own conscience and thoughts either accuse them or tell them they are doing right.” I bring this up because I have always loved my mum and even when she told me she was an alcoholic, I still loved her, sure at first, I hated that she kept going downhill instead of getting better, and the blaming of me day after day, but at the end of the day I still love her. I still love her to this day even after last week her telling me when my boyfriend comes down for Thanksgiving, that he and I do not talk about us being gay to the guests at our table for Thanksgiving because they are Southern Baptists. I know everyone has a different take on homosexuality when it comes to the Bible, some are full of love for everyone without pointing out the sins of others, while others point out sins and think they are doing it out of love. But here is where I am going with this. It is in MY HUMAN NATURE, to love everyone despite their differences and ACCEPT THEM because they have it a lot worse than me. I do not need the Bible to tell me that. I never have and never will need it. If my mum is choosing to just ‘ACCEPT THE FACT THAT I AM HER CHILD AND SHE CAN’T CHANGE ME’ she will have to answer to God for that, not me. But I will never stop loving my mum the way God loves her despite her alcoholism and her addiction to it. It is like I told my therapist this week. I can’t change who I am because of me knowing this who I am and I was born this way, but my mum can change who she is to be a better person and she refuses to do it.
I know I talked your eyes out and for that I am sorry. If you like what you have read, give me a follow, like my post, because by 2021, I am going to try and get better in blogging and video logging every other day. Happy Holidays!!
Someone loves you.
:’(
Please repost to remind ourselves WHY
I want more for us. I want to be able to hold you. To protect you from the things you fear and the doubts I know you have because, we make it work. We always have and we always will. Love is the building block that we will use as the foundation to our home. I want to live with you, hold hands, and grow old with you. all that sappy stuff, I want to do. Even if we try something and don't like it it's okay because all the time we spend together now will lead into the betterment of our years. Ones when wanting more for us is obsolete because, we already have each other and thats all I can ask for.
