#lovingabpd

[inlovewithabpdlady-blog]

Praying for her.

She is on a downward spiral, and I can’t shift her focus. She wants to leave more than anything else in the world. She hates this place and I don ’t blame her. I pray things could be different, That I could be in a position to fire the toxic people that are making this environment harmful not just for her but everyone who is different.

Factory life is hard. It always has been. An endless grind.

I pray that God would take all her pain and put it all on me. I can bare it. And she shouldn’t have too. I pray that she see some relief, that her bills do not weigh her down so much. I help as much as possible but can see that because we are not together the best I can do is just to keep her going. Her person isn’t healthy for her. Isn’t helping her, is just another burden, but she loves him. Who am I to judge or get in the way.

I love her, cherish her, I wish God and the universe would give her rest and peace. I have never know someone so beautiful of soul. I wish she would believe..... In God, not reject him. I suspect it is the BPD that makes faith in a God harder. Or the vile cruelty of humans and especially self righteous Christians that don’t know Christ if He stood right beside them.

I have felt his hand in my life. Guiding me, making my paths straight, washing away all my horrible mistakes making me a new man of strength, and sensitivity.

I pray one day her heart softens to him. Because he is the only being in the universe who will never abandon her. I may die tomorrow and be absent from her but he can be present forever and always. And..... I pray she believes because I do not want to face eternity without her.

[inlovewithabpdlady-blog]

Memorizing her face

When I see her I make sure to take the time to look at her. Not always easy with ADD. But she could leave and I will only have pictures. Pictures don’t do her justice. I must memorize every line of worry, every happy wrinkle around her eyes. The way her mouth makes that subtle mischievous curve whenever she sees me. And try to take in her deep brown eyes without being lost.

[inlovewithabpdlady-blog]

Opening up. Pushed back

My lady and I have talked a lot lately. It is better for me. My heart doesn’t hurt when I get to see her and talk and message. She may still leave. I see her reasons. I am not convinced it will be what is best in the long run but she is falling apart in the short term and I am powerless to help. Old guard politics and factory life. Male chauvinism and good old boy games. You can’t challenge it head on. All I can do is nudge and pray some of these guys retire and get out of the way before they do more damage. Fools all of them. They are weak and unkind and have lost the best parts of themselves so in their emptiness seek to tare down those that are different or appear weak.

I have always be different. I say that I am in this world but not of it. My brain always on overdrive my gifts to see the true nature of things makes me very lonely. I understand... deeper than any know. And keep that understanding to myself because to express it alienates everyone. People often confuse confidence based on actual knowledge and experience with arrogance because they cannot appreciate the cost paid for that knowledge and experience.

She loves her man. She should. And I cannot I would not get between them. It is not right and my feelings don’t matter here.

I get to hear her troubles, I get to bare the weight of her pain. I get to help her breath and make it one more night. And that has to be enough because it’s all I’m gonna get. And I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

I truly wish I had known her 10 years ago. I would have very much liked to walk that road with her footprints beside mine.

[inlovewithabpdlady-blog]

Another rough Sunday.

Started out rough for my lady. Damn old school tiny dicked old boys club. Ugh. Makes me feel ashamed I am a white guy. She can’t do the interview Tuesday. My prayers keep getting answered but to what end? I am just going to spoil her while she lets me. Lots of healthy food and some necessities. I wish she would let me do more but I don’t ever want to push. It’s not easy. Guys. If you love a woman with bpd. I promise it is worth it. She brings out the only joy I have ever felt just by standing beside her. So much raw emotion. So happy some not but none of it bad. All of it precious.

[inlovewithabpdlady-blog]

Weekends suck

We are not together, I wish we were. So much so often I wish it. Two whole days and nights I don’t get to see her face or hear her voice, She messages me but less often. Hours of uncertainty followed by moments of joy when she wants to say something. How did this happen? Experts would say you should never be just an option for someone. Experts are cold unfeeling clinical assholes. For her I will forever be an option.

[inlovewithabpdlady-blog]

I’m at my best when she is on my mind

Whenever I think of her, am occupied by her, The best things happen in my life. I pray more, and deeper, I think more, and better, I feel much more and in a more full way, My art is more appealing and it flows out faster, I am stronger, I am happier, I am more fulfilled. I don’t know where she has been all my life but I wish I knew her sooner.

[inlovewithabpdlady-blog]

Devotion

Before every sleep. I wish her goodnight, after every waking I tell her “Good Morning Beautiful”. And all the moments before and after she is always in my thoughts. She asks if it’s exhausting. I tell her it’s invigorating. And it is. I have never felt so alive. ADD is so much at the opposite side of things in many ways. So unfocused and over thinking. Over analyzing, processing information and circulating it. Much of my life People say I am a robot. They don’t understand the complexity behind my stoic demeanor. But since I’ve known her. I feel so more intensely. And it is a gift.

[inlovewithabpdlady-blog]

There are going to be days when I get frustrated and want to vent. Call me out if it’s a bad rant. I need to know what is not ok. I don’t get frustrated with her I get frustrated with my inability to understand and care enough. Or that she won’t let me fix it. I think this is a guy thing anyway.