#maculated thoughts

[maculatedthoughts]

Nothing beats a full week of work than treating yo self to a Last Guardian tshirt that hella adorable!!! ^_^ Also super grey hair! :O 

[maculatedthoughts]

So I cant spend a fucking day, not even a whole 11 hours with my best friend from my home town whom I only see at best once a fucking year which compared to some I don’t even get to at fucking all without being blamed for being an irresponsible ‘adult’. FUCK OFF. If I’m this so called ‘adult’ then I am allowed to leave and do what I want, being a fucking ‘adult’ doesn’t mean I get all the consequences and none of the independence. And anyway Mother dearest, if you wanted me to spend the whole fucking day doing your biding, YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME THE NIGHT BEFORE. Not once I get back while yelling at me! Its not my fault you left to deal with your million and one other children with your phone at home and me alone with no fucking reason to be there! So please family, one day I hope you come to realise your obscured views on how its appropriate ‘parent’ an ‘adult’ is controlling, suffocating, and pushing me to the point that I will never enter this household again. 

[maculatedthoughts]

Ive reached the exact point where I just want to stop existing just for a moment in time. Not forever, not dead, just peace and quite where nothing really happens but time still passes. For my body, mind, and emotions have reached this point. They are still, motionless and void however the world continues pushing me, wont allow me to be still and motionless so at one point something has to give.... yet either one has to be me, never the world; the world cannot give in, the question is how will I give in to the world.   

[maculatedthoughts]

I thought moving out with a recently made good friend was going to fantastic especially since she has already finished uni so not as many distractions etc.  Turns out was the worst thing, not that I had any idea at the time and all in all was the only option besides moving back on campus.  My housemate is 'chill', highly stubbornly opinionated person who is as ive discovered highly self-centred to the point where whatever I say around her ive discovered I try to say to appease her. She has a gorgeous german shepherd. However, my cat in her 8 years has had bad experiences with dogs and cant seem to get her to accept him. This does not mean my housemates dog can get priority over everything. She pays the exact same amount of rent as I do yet my cat isnt allowed on the couch. But the dog is. She can't muck around or scratch anything. But the dog can be rough as he likes. I can't smack the dog off me, but she can abuse my cat when she knocks washing powder because she is trapped in the laundry because she isn't allowed to anything. And yet I cant say anything because she is my cat and I am somehow supposed to curb all her habits and natural instincts. Or if I try to give my opinion on the matter she has her completely correct opinion and anything I say is me being unreasonable or 'un-chill' and should calm down. 

But when you abuse my cat to the point she shits herself, you are abusing me. 

And after only 6 weeks I want my cat and myself out of this house.       

[maculatedthoughts]

Out far in the countryside is a storm in the dead of night, and from my window it is an amazing light show, flashes of light ranging from just a distant glow to lighting up my room as if it was day. And the thunder, it is there but it is not quite sound, more the shock wave of its sound, a deep rumbling in the distance.  Yet, here, by my window, it is so calm. There is not a drop of rain, not a single shudder of thunder above me. Only the promise of what is to come and I cannot wait to fall asleep to its music. 

[maculatedthoughts]

Being home for the first time in a year I notice the things that have changed and the things that just never will. 

My dogs are big puppies now, though they still have the behaviour of pups too.

My cat avoided me because she thought i was a stranger, until i sat still and then got smooched into a sneezing fit. (shes also fatter than I remembered too).

My mother never stopped yelling, being controlling and judgemental, however with my tatts and nose she realised finally she had no say when i got them done in wagga so why would she have a say now after its done.

My dad still gives no fucks in a gives some fucks kind of way.

And as much as I love being back in Victoria again, having not to worry about food, or rent or etc for the week. I realised quickly that this house will never again be my home, never again will i willingly live in it with this family for as long as I did.

For as much as I like to say I have changed, this family has not. But it is not my loss. From now on its all gain for me and for me solely.  

[maculatedthoughts]

For a little while, I was kind of wishing I went home* for the summer. But then my dear Mother goes and fucks me right up the ass like the pain she is. Tells me that I have no clue and that reality hasn't hit me yet like living away in another state, by myself, for near a year isn't reality enough. Yells at me that I haven't told her any of the things I was trying to explain, when I have tried to tell her many times in many other one sided conversations, much like this.  And then she has the audacity to tell me to stop 'yelling', stop with the 'attitude', and 'rudeness.' Then hangs up on me, calling me not 5 minutes later leaving a message saying stop crying like a baby and call me back.

Thank you Mother for the reminder of why I will never be coming back.  

[maculatedthoughts]

Is it cruel irony that the room that people like to hang out in the most in my hall is the room bellow mine. Like exclusion is hard enough as it is universe, no need to rub it in please.