We never followed our hearts, maybe they could have brought us together. But as the years past we were always close but never together, not really. You went off to follow your dreams, I never followed I always stayed. You always came back, but as our time is fading, this feels final, like this is the end. That we won’t get this chance ever again. I never took that chance with you, but heres the thing I’ve still got time before you walk out that door and leave me. So if this is my last chance to love you, give me a sign, let me know that you feel something too because I don’t know if I can’t live with us being unfinished or a possibility that we could have always been more if only we had listened to our hearts.
my love for you burned for so long those embers set fire to my heart.//t.c
The longest one in the series so far. Also known as the ‘why Alec doesn’t like to be called demeaning names during sex’ fic, that a lot of people have been asking for a very long time.
Day 18: Miscommunication + safeword
Sometimes Alec didn’t want to think. Didn’t want to be in charge.
It happened from time to time, usually whenever things in his life started to wear him thin, started being too much for him to handle without falling apart at the seams and doing something stupid that put his health—or even his life—at risk. In those times, he gave complete control over to Magnus, who had never judged him, who always guided him through those moods safely. It was easy, listening to Magnus’ quiet orders and requests.
It was easy to follow because Magnus always rewarded him for his obedience with pleasure and gentle touches and loving words. He could lead Alec away from the darker thoughts of inadequacy with a couple of soft-spoken commands and Alec would do anything he could to earn his praise and approval.
“You love this, don’t you?”
Magnus’ voice was low but it still rang clear in the otherwise quiet room and Alec shivered at the tone. Magnus sounded so far gone, so lost in his pleasure and Alec felt a warm sense of pride, knowing it was because of him. He couldn’t find words to reply with, too focused on his own bliss, so he just nodded wildly and let out another moan.
The sounds he made were swallowed by the pillow he was resting face-first on, hands holding onto it with a death grip. He was on his knees, his torso nearly flat on the bed after his arms gave out some time ago. Magnus was behind him, holding onto his hips and keeping his ass high in the air; fucking him in quick, hard thrusts that made Alec see stars, a relentless pace that gave him no respite. He wanted to move back against Magnus, to take Magnus apart in return, but he couldn’t. The pleasure was too much, too overwhelming for him to do anything but lie there and take it.
“Yeah, you do,” Magnus chuckled as he ran one hand over Alec’s back, caressing and pressing down, making sure Alec stayed still. Alec felt like he was on display and he should feel self-conscious about it, but Magnus was the only one who had seen him like this, so it was okay.
“You look gorgeous like this,” Magnus said as he circled his hips slightly and Alec could only whimper in response. “Ass in the air, ready for taking, like a perfect whore.”
It felt like a bucket of ice-cold water suddenly hitting his back.
The pleasure that had been gathering deep in his belly so far turned into something sour, a ball of dread lodged deep inside and weighing him down. He felt short of breath and it had nothing to do with the physical exertion.
It wasn’t supposed to be like this, Alec thought as he hid his face in the pillow he had been holding onto. He did everything that Magnus asked him for, he had been good, so why did it now feel like he was being punished? That word wasn’t even anything bad. The sex was great so far and Alec didn’t understand why it was suddenly… not.
“Alexander?” Magnus’ voice pulled him out of the downright spiral of his thoughts and he realized that Magnus had stopped moving. He could feel Magnus’ hand skimming over his side, gently, before brushing lightly over his cock. “What’s wrong?”
He was soft now. Alec felt a stab of shame and embarrassment, hard enough to seem like a physical blow. Why the fuck was he reacting like this? There was no reason for him to ruin their evening like that.
“I’m fine,” he mumbled into his pillow, bucking his hips, trying to get Magnus to move again. “It’s okay, keep going.”
But Magnus didn’t listen to him, instead choosing to touch his face, hidden from view as it was. He heard Magnus make a small sound, something he could not categorize and then he froze. He had only just realized that there were tears wetting the pillow.
“Alexander,” Magnus said, sounding alarmed and then he was pulling out and Alec choked on air, disappointment stealing his breath. He couldn’t even satisfy his boyfriend because he was freaking out about nothing.
“I’m sorry,” Alec gasped for air even as Magnus turned him around, so that they were lying face to face now and gathered him into his arms. Being this close felt safe, it felt good and Alec bit back a sob at the thought, because he definitely didn’t feel like he deserved any of it. “I’m so sorry.”
“Shhh, darling, it’s okay.” Magnus’ soft whisper in his ear sounded like both a relief and another painful lash falling on his exposed back. “You’ve got nothing to be sorry for, I promise.”
I took him a long while to calm down, during which he couldn’t help but to feel useless and like he had somehow let Magnus down, despite Magnus repeating over and over again that everything was fine. It didn’t feel fine. In fact, it was the furthest thing from ‘fine’ that Alec had ever felt.
He squirmed his way out of Magnus’ arms and sat down in the middle of the bed, Magnus still lying behind him. He needed to stop looking at Magnus, stop seeing that concerned, sad look on his face. He needed a moment to gather his thoughts without imagining the disappointment that he would see in Magnus’ eyes.
“I’m sorry,” he said again, wiping a hand down his face and getting rid of the traces of tears that pulled on his skin like an uncomfortable reminder of his weakness. “I don’t even know what that was about.”
“I think I do,” Magnus said and Alec could feel him shift on the bed until he was sitting behind Alec. He felt Magnus press a kiss to his bare shoulder and he closed his eyes, still not convinced he deserved that loving touch. “Remember how we talked about what we want, what we expected to do and feel when we are together like this? When you let me take care of you?”
Alec nodded, not sure where this was going on.
“We talked about things we like and don’t like. What we could say ‘yes’ to, which things are a ‘maybe’ and which are a ‘no’.” Darling, I think we just discovered your hard ‘no’. One that you probably didn’t even know you had.”
“But that… that’s stupid.” Alec frowned. “It’s not even anything bad, it’s just…”
“It’s a word you don’t want to be called when we’re intimate. I’m guessing the same thing would happen with any demeaning name I could call you. Which I will not, never again.” Magnus was rubbing up and down his arm now, gently, as if Alec were a skittish animal he tried to tame. “It’s not stupid if it causes you distress, love.”
“I’m—”
“No,” Magnus interrupted him. “If anyone should be sorry here, it’s me.”
“What?” Alec turned to look at his boyfriend then. “That’s not true, Magnus.”
“It is.” Magnus gave him a small, sad smile. “I’m the one with more experience. I should have set more rules for us to follow, like giving you a safeword. I’ve foolishly thought you might not need one yet and I’m very sorry for that, love.”
Alec sighed and wrapped his arm around Magnus’ neck, glad to feel Magnus returning the embrace.
“Let’s just lie down for a while,” Alec said, titling them back till they hit the bed. The mood was gone and he was sure that they weren’t going to have sex again until they talked more about what happened. He didn’t really mind, as he still felt unsettled and unsure. “And tell me about safewords.”
Partially beta-read.
Author’s note: If you enjoyed my work please consider heading to my ko-fi page. It’s completely voluntary, of course, but even a little helps a long way :)
In this moment, i feel like Alec is like “okay, fine we can still fix this”, that even though Magnus is drunk and he said all of those bitter things, Alec still thinks he can try and show him how much he loves him. He can try to forget all that happened a moment beofre, and just enjoy a date with his boyfriend, ask him to marry him. But then as they go further into this, all of the hope just gets lost and he realises that no matter how much he loves him, it won’t be enough, he can’t help the love of his live and needs to watch him break down.
For @mockingbird-22, who asked for Malec aesthetic with the au being old school cowboys?
“New in town?”
Magnus felt himself shiver for a few seconds at the deep rumble before turning and looking up. “Just passing through.” He kept his voice smooth and monotone as he answered. He watched as the man nodded once before raking his gaze over Magnus’s slim form.
“I’m Sheriff Alexander Lightwood.” The man tipped his hat towards him once. “If you need anything.”
headcanon that Magnus does manage to drag Alec on a shopping trip and Jace and Izzy show up because um. hello. we’ve been trying to get Alec to go shopping for years.
and Magnus is huffy because. Alec. you don’t bring your siblings on a date.
