#mal briar

[isleofdarkness]

The Isle had its own slang and little phrases. This never fails to throw Auradon through a loop.

Riah, pissed off about something; I swear to Black Jesus, you are on my last mother fucking nerve! Chad; ... You swear to what now?

Mal; Well fuck me gently with a chainsaw. Jane; Please do not engage in unsafe activities with chainsaws.

Carlos; Sleep is for the evolutionary inferior. Audrey; I beg your pardon?

Evie; Shall I compare thee to a horse's ass? Ally; ... What?

Claudine; I wish upon you what King Lyon wishes upon the Isle. Carina; Oh, thank you Claudine; ... Sure, we'll go with that.

Jay; Live fast, die young, leave a hot-ass corpse, that's what I always say. Doug; You should say something else.

It's hilarious because it confuses both parties so much.

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Ben; What's your proudest achievement as a leader? Maverick; Danced with the Devil in the pale moonlight. Mal; Do you mean that time you did the Macarena to distract my mom? Maverick; Hey, it worked. Harriet; Maleficent even joined in. Diego; It was awesome. Ginny; Top ten best moments of my life.

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Mal; I was at Dad's for his birthday and I heard him say to Seph that he doesn't want to be sixty. And Seph, his beloved wife of literally millions of years, told him "Well, your only alternative is to die." I can't believe how affectionate they are with each other.

Later

Mal; Dad was throwing bits of his napkin through the candle flame trying to catch them on fire, and one of them landed in Seph's soup. She grabbed it with a need for violence in her eyes before putting it down on the table and saying "I will not throw this back at you because I was bought up properly, you were dragged by your hair through the mud," she has been married to this man almost as long as humanity has been a thing. Riah; Welcome to the family, we're all like that.

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Kidnapper; I have your ward. Ivy, pulling out a Guess Who board; I have literally so many of those I need you to be more specific. Kidnapper; Really pale? Ivy, flipping down Mora, Malcolm, CJ, Jay, Veronica, Carlos, Claudine, Orm, Joss, Pasha, and Quinlan; More specific, please. Kidnapper; Um, a guy? Ivy, flipping down Evie, Rose, Andi, Spider, Mal, Polina, Kira, Nikita, Goldie, Kurse, Bloom, considers flipping down Riah and Gil but decides to give the kidnappers the benefit of the doubt; More specific, please. Kidnapper; More?! Look, just wire us the mon- WHERE WAS HE HIDING A SWORD?! Ivy; Oh, red hair? You have Ace. It uses it/its, by the way. May the odds be ever in your favour *hands up*

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Hades; What's going on here? Mal; Teenage rebellion. Hades, delighted one of his kids is doing Normal Teenager Things; Fuck yeah, stick it to the old people.

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Hades and Persephone kind of wind up becoming the parents of everyone in the polycule. They're Riah's parents, obviously, Claudine was adopted right out the gate at age seven, and Hades is Mal's father which means, as far as Persephone is concerned, Mal is hers, too. And they're the only good parents anyone really has. Jay's father sucks and his mother vanished, Evie's mother sucks and her father is banished into an interdimensional prison, Mal's mother sucks, Carlos's parents both suck- so they're all in the market for good parents. And so Hades and Persephone, being the only good parents anyone has, wind up becoming adopted by everyone else.

And then it starts expanding. Agony has two very good parents, of course, but Hades has been her honorary uncle her entire life since he's good friends with both her dad and her Uncle Gonzalo so that's how she's been unofficially adopted into his family. Malcolm, obviously he needs new parents, so he gets adopted, too. Ace from Jay's QPR gets adopted, and Rose and Andi get adopted with it since the three are a package deal. Then Ben, whose father sucks, gets adopted. Tavasya, Ace's boyfriend, gets adopted even though he already has two great adoptive parents, and his sister Devika gets adopted since the two are a package deal. And so on, and so forth.

Hades is every bit as much of a mother hen as Facilier is, and he and Persephone have an agreement that any children the one has are automatically both of their children regardless of who the actual other parent is, so Seph is a mother hen by association. Demeter winds up with an astronomical amount of grandkids.

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Ace; Grape soda doesn't taste like grapes but it sure as hell tastes like purple. Jay; And grape medicine? Ace, with the wisdom of one thousand scholars; Evil purple. Mal; What the shit is "evil purple?" Ace; Your mom.

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I guess at least Mal didn't dump lye in Uma's hair? The shrimp incident was still horrific but at least it was only shrimp and not lye or acid or something similar. At least Mal only did chemical warfare once?

(And yes, I know kids are little shits sometimes, but chemical warfare is illegal under the Geneva Convention so is very far past little shit behavior)