"i could fix him" yeah? well i could accept him as he is. you don't like the murder? grow up. the atrocities are part of him and ive decided they're funny
anyone else learn to write in tolkien's elvish script when they were like 12, proceed to write 2+ years of diary entries in it and then almost entirely forget how to re-translate them? becos uhhh
im also a little bit extremely angry about the assumption - by my family or doctors or the government or whatever - that my number one priority wrt to my health would be anything other than "feel as good as possible"
it feels almost transgressive to say like "actually, if working isn't going to contribute to my quality of life, I don't care about it" and "The only reason I would want to reduce my amount of medication is if it's impacting my quality of life."
my neurologist said in our first appt like "obviously we want you to be on as few medications as possible" and i did not succeed in mentioning that, actually, i will take 50 pills every day for the rest of my life if it means i get to feel okay most of the time.
like i don't even really care about being healthy. "being as healthy as possible" is not my #1 priority. my #1 priority is feeling good, followed closely by being able to do things i want to do. 'taking fewer pills' and 'exercising' don't even make the list. those are not ends, those are means.
im completely serious when i say this online moderation is one of the nastiest most thankless jobs of the modern world. not talking about the guy who runs your video game discord, but the people who are tasked with clearing up major websites and social media of the filth there. read a chilling article a few years back about how this was done by underpaid workers and often from developing countries (because of course) who would get for most, lasting psychological damage from what they had seen. the internet is held up by invisible people you will never hear about despite their hard work
Time management is one of the executive functions that is affected by ADHD. Executive functions are tools in our brain that help us to do things such as self-motivation, remembering where we put an object or starting tasks.
It feels like I can't rely on my time to flow at any one pace, so it's hard to estimate how much time I have for tasks.
It's also hard to judge how long ago something has happened. So sometimes, I end up thinking I didn't talk to someone in 2 days, when it has actually been months.
It took me a long time to realize I have problems with time though. I was so afraid of being late that I always came at least an hour early to appointments.
So it's extra heartbreaking being told over and over again that I just don't care enough to be on time.
But there are things I found to support the rhythm of my own clock:
Outsourcing my internal clock with visual timers
Using songs to get a sense of how much time passes
Making steps of the process my goals instead of only working towards the completion
Instead of setting strigt starting times, I set time zones in which something should be started.
-----------------
ADHD affects how far into the future I can see and plan. If I imagine that other people can see this far into the future (4 meters). Then with ADHD, I can only see and plan this far (1 meter).
I often can't get started on tasks if the deadline or goal isn't within my time horizon. If there is an interesting activity within my time horizon, I rather pursue that instad.
That means I tend to follow short-term activities, because I can actually see those.
But long-term goals and lasting life changes rarely feel rewarding right away, so I'm less likely able to pursue those.
That isn't a lack of willpower, that is a neurological problem.
So it often feels like I can't make changes to my life. I often feel helpless and hopeless.
