#mand's stuff

[scythesxroses]

More BTS ranting from yours truly

...I don't care what anyone else says, I am pretty much 99% convinced that the song Dimples/Illegal by BTS was written about their very own Namjoon.

Because that man's dimples are practically the death of me from how friggin adorable he is whenever that man smiles so earnestly and how deep said dimples are. Ahhh. -flops-

I may be Taehyung and Jin biased but I honestly do love all the other members just as much and Namjoon just....ahhh. He's adorbs. >w<

Also:

I'm never going to be okay at any time Jin's "Awake", V's "Stigma", or Jungkook's "Begin" play on my playlist because their songs and voices destroy me. I always want to cry with all the emotions those songs make me feel.

Because I understand the sentiments and feelings they describe in said songs. Jin's feelinghs of being the one left behind because he's not the 'talented' one in the group and all. but him saying 'i still want to run a little bit farther, i still want to struggle' and referring to the rest of his wonderful bandmates/brothers as his 'six flowers that i clutch to myself' and how he says he has no wings to fly...

V's song, god, I can't even begin to properly analyze it without becoming a mess so 'm not gonna but like...god, he loves and loves so -deeply- and with all that he is and his voice is so deep but emotional...

And then Jungkook's song pretty much is a response to Jin's, with him thanking all of his older brothers for raising him, giving him a 'scent', and making him who he is now, and including into the choruses 'smile with me, cry with me, fly with me' as he voices that he doesn't know how to react to sadness well and whenever he sees any of his 'hyungs' in pain, it feels worse to him than if he's in pain and he wants to simply cry for or with them. But the words and chorus themselves just seem to reflect as a gentle counter to Jin's song about not having wings...

And truthfully? Seokjin is a friggin angel that gave his wings to their small, tiny maknae to grow into what he is. and Jungkook knows it.

-garbles and wails and flops in her corner- I'm never going to be over this.

BTS' whole Wings album ruined me.

Don't get me started on Boy Meets Evil and Blood, Sweat, and Tears... I will become even more of a wreck. -goes outside to dig a hole that is her grave and throw herself into it-

[scythesxroses]

OKAY MY DEPRESSION NEEDS TO FUCK RIGHT OFF I’M FUCKING SICK AND TIRED OF EVERY JAN-MARCH I GO THRU THIS FUCKING DESOLATE, CRIPPLING DEPRESSION PHASE THAT IS PARTIALLY INFLUENCED BY SEASONAL SHIT AND THE OTHER HALF FROM TRAUMATIC AND EMOTIONAL WRECKAGE FROM MY PAST AS A CHILD. (IF I CAN EVEN FUCKING CLAIM BEING A CHILD, TBH, SINCE I APPARENTLY WAS A TINY ADULT BY AGE 9)

My birthday is coming up. And I fucking hate it. Unlike most people I never look forward to it, I never want to celebrate it, and on that day I just usually want to lay in bed curled up in a tight ball and cry all day if I’m unable to sleep through the damned thing. Hell that’s basically the sorry-state I get into every day anyway during this time but on the worst days especially, and I should mention this depression on my birthday has gotten even more extreme and shit since my mom died because she was the only fucking one who could make that fucking day bearable and get me through it without a million tiny fucking breakdowns happening that day.

I’ve been hella quiet on here and everywhere else, really. And I apologize. But these are my reasons. And I’m trying, my god, I’m really fucking TRYING to kick my ass into doing more things and trying to hold my head up and be productive and all, but it’s REALLY fucking hard and idk if any of you guys actually care, but I COULD REALLY USE SOME HAPPY THINGS AND ENCOURAGEMENT IF POSSIBLE.

The older I’m getting, I’m finding it harder and harder to bounce back and pull myself out of these fucking spells and drops I have. It was hard when I was a teen and had my suicidal phases and stuff, but part of that was caused by all the fucking medication I was on and being switched monthly and other things, I’m not taking anything now and for better or worse, am managing everything through my own sheer fucking willpower. It would be easy enough to just numb myself again, slip into that old disassociative state I used to be in when I was around 15-ish or so because life during that time was so fucking hard for me and I couldn’t cope and I spent time until I was like, 17 in a sort of disassociative numb daze, I literally cannot tell you many things or events of my life that happened during those years because it’s just a dizzy blur and blank spot to me in my memory because I just existed.

It gets so hard for me to find the will and even the want to pull myself out of it, and the appeal of just letting myself go, to stop caring and just let myself go on a numb autopilot is very strong. But I don’t want to miss out on the good things that do happen--few and far between and rare as they are--because they’re special and make me feel like life is worth living. I don’t want to live the next however much time/years/whatever of my life in nothing but a cloudy, hazy daze where nothing matters, makes sense, and time, dates, and whatever else have no consequence or meaning to me anymore.

I don’t want to go back to that.

...And now I just feel like an idiot for word-vomiting this all over the place and knowing it’s not really gonna be read by many or even make any difference because whether I voice it or keep it in, it doesn’t help or change anything and If I say it aloud or post it in text, it just sounds like a bunch of whiny bullshit.

Sorry, everyone. Seems I wasted time and energy for nothing on both of our ends. Ugh.

I’m gonna try to be more active in places and stuff, but no promises. Prod me anywhere you guys know I haunt or send me a line on skype or a note on here or anything if you want to reach me.

[scythesxroses]

Overwatch PC playing~

If any one of you guys who wants to play with me on Overwatch, message me your battletags/email or ask me for mine and I’ll oblige! =DDD

PS, I love it already tho I’m gonna be hella bad at it for a bit. |D

[scythesxroses]

Finally got Overwatch on PC!

In the middle of installing it rn on my laptop, so soon I shall be able to try and play it and be somewhat good. xD Anyone else who has it for PC hit me up and add me and help me git gud? Cuz I have a feeling I am going to be hella terrible cuz I have always been kinda shit at PC FPS’s. (Funny story: My 3 older brothers are better at PC FPS’s but I’m the better one at console FPS’s) I mean I just reached silver-boarder on PS4 in the span of a year so I mean, what’s trying out the PC version? I’m going to feel so inferior again probably starting out as a level 1 bronze player again hahaha. I mean I drove hard to get to my second star during winter then depression happened and I missed most of the winter events then came back in time for the lunar event, met a high level friend who was near silver anyway and just ground HARD til I got to my fourth star, slowly evened out after archives event, steadily rose to 5th star for anniversary and this event, and just the other day made Silver. Also just made 4th tier endorsement, woo. Still no golden weapon though because competitive is hard for me. Esp since I’m a support main and everyone fucking targets you right off the bat. Ugh. Just gives me cause to git gud even more tho cuz I WILL freaking get my gold weapon for Mercy if it’s the last thing I do.

[scythesxroses]

So guys

I’ve begun to upload my Overwatch highlights and POTGs on my secondary Youtube channel! (Found here) Let me know if you think I should start/try streaming. And if any of you guys have the PS4 Version of OVW please hit me up and add me! I no longer specifically play all healers (as you will see in my uploads) I can now pretty much fill in any role and play most Heroes decently enough. And just letting you guys know that I’m not dead and all. Just. OVW and other games have consumed my life LOL xD Aside from OVW I’ve been playing Dissidia NT and Elder Scrolls Online. So...if any of y’all play those games too, hit me up. xD

[scythesxroses]

IDK Why I bother anymore.

It’s one of those days for me, that I question why I’m still fucking wasting my life away on this fucking internet doing nothing but mindless scrolling and reading and consuming pointless tidbits and articles and whatever other shit of information--good, bad, relevant or otherwise--because I have no life off the net.

I question myself, why I bother to diligently repeat this cycle, day after day. Effortlessly, unconsciously, I just drift to this computer, expecting to find...something.

Once upon a time, that something was connectivity and social engagement with friends that I’ve never [with the exception of a few] met face to face in real life, but considered very important in my life.

Now it just feels desolate and empty. I come to the computer and there’s never any new messages, my IM’s and emails are usually silent and if it’s my inbox, just typical notifications or subscribed newsletter bullshit. That’s not to say some of my friends aren’t there, on the contrary, they are logged in, their statuses are either marked as Away, Busy, or online, but unresponsive. I’m aware that as we’ve grown up and old that we’re not the spring chickens we were, and that life takes ahold of most.

But I’m also aware of those that fucking are there and are doing other things, and can’t be fucking assed or bothered to answer me. Hell, I could name names and even point fingers, but I also know not everyone who is my friend can split their attention. But when did it come to the point that, scrolling mindlessly, getting dragged into effortless motions become more important than sparing some time for a friend?

I miss the days when I could simply say hi, and not wait for twenty minutes, an hour, even a whole fucking day before I got a response. It was instantaneous nearly. Now I feel just as isolated and alone here online as I do in real life.

I feel so ridiculously alone and abandoned in a way, and, it honest to fucking god feels like I’m standing at the edge of an invisible chasm--I can’t see it there, like there’s a mirage of safety/solid ground there, but I just know there really isn’t anything there and know that I can’t jump the length required. It feels like the people I used to walk with, care about, ect have all gone on ahead, not stopping to look back and check up on me, conveniently forgetting that I depend on their care and help to guide me.

I miss the days of long talks that last for days, now I’m lucky if I can even get maybe two hours with some, and with others, five minutes. What happened?

Obviously, life. But I mean, no, really, what happened? Did I suddenly become someone you no longer want to deal with, or did something happen to you that’s brought on this change? Have I finally worn out my welcome with you, you’ve grown so tired of me and my ridiculous, needy, emotionally charged worthless ass that you’ve just decided to shut me out and hope I get the picture and leave you alone?

I just...

I don’t fucking know anymore.

I’m sorry.

[scythesxroses]

CURRENT MOOD(S):

I AM NOT OKAY, WHO SAID THIS WAS FUCKING OKAY BECAUSE IT IS VERY MUCH NOT FUCKING OKAY

and:

EVERYONE MEET ME IN THE FUCKING PIT

[scythesxroses]

My APH Fic I was supposed to have done ages ago, oops.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/10920702/chapters/24287271

HERE IT IS. IT’S DONE. FINALLY. HOLY SHIT.

Sooo uhhhh I mentioned ageeesss ago I was still working on my APH fics and all... and one was near done. Then depression kicked my ass.

ANYWAY THIS IS THE THING I WAS WRITING. I FINISHED THE FIRST CHAPTER FINALLY. YAY GO ME.

It’s APH America-centric and written to defy the fanon cliches. You wanna know what it’s all about go look and read the tags and my notes, I am way too damned tired and lazy to put everything I summarized on ao3 on here. Just... Just yeah.

It’s basically APH America being awesome and the best dad ever cause States. Have fun, kids.