#mara's stuff

[proudtoehaver]

Finn fronts and center, trio together, Rey gets to talk to Finn one to one. JJ really went and said “Finn, Finnrey, Finnpoe and trio rights!”

And who else here recalls reylos saying that Rey wasn’t on board the Falcon with Finn and Poe, and she wasn’t with them on Jungle Planet and Desert Planet either because she was off for Kale? Because I sure do recall them saying that.

Who looks like Boo Boo the fool now?

[luminousfinn]

Why does Rey want to become a Jedi?

All things being equal it’s a very relevant question that I’ve yet to see anyone address. Especially in the light of the EW article that makes it clear that Rey’s decision to become a Jedi has nothing to do with family ties, that at the end of the day it won’t make any difference to her choice whether she’s a Skywalker or not.

So clearly unlike Luke, who wanted to become a Jedi because his father was one, Rey’s reasons must be found in herself.

Once the question has been asked though, the answer seems almost startlingly obvious. Rey is a protector, she protects those who for some reason cannot protect themselves. It is a trait she exhibits from the very beginning of TFA.

Her first action that isn’t centered around survival,, in fact might be directly detrimental to it, is to rescue BB-8 from Teedo, despite it putting her in possible open conflict with a fellow scavenger. And over a random droid?

She does it again on Takodana when the First Order attacks. Her first action when seeing the TIEs and shuttles arrive is to rush back to fight and a little bit later she tells BB-8 to keep going and that she’ll hold off the troops so he can get safe.

Finally on Starkiller Base, what makes her finally accept the Force and grab the lightsaber, is her need to protect Finn, who at this point is unconscious and gravely wounded. The Force which she has otherwise passionately rejected and fears, not surprising given her traumatic “Force back”.

That is where Rey’s reason for seeking the Jedi path lies, the need to protect.

She has known beings like Kylo Ren her whole life, those who takes whatever they want from those not strong enough to oppose them. And she has fought them on behalf of others as long as she has been able.

Up till now such beings have had alien faces - a monster’s face - but for all that Kylo sports a human face he’s no less a monster to her and in the Force and the path of the Jedi, she has the means to once again fight for those who cannot fight for themselves.

So ultimately her family ties won’t matter one wit, whether she’s a Skywalker, a Kenobi, a random or even a Binks for that matter. Rey’s reasons and motives are not, and have never been, tied to family.

[proudtoehaver]

[proudtoehaver]

Trailer for season 3 of Discovery. (Spoilers, duh!)

So many styles for Michael! And it looks like she’s back as the undisputed main character! Cleveland Booker, David Ajala’s new character! Hugh! Paul! Tilly! Wtf happened to the Federation? 

[proudtoehaver]

Can I also say that I absolutely love Michael’s new hairstyle?

Like I did not know I needed long haired Michael. I’ve always loved the short haired styles. But damn this is a gorgeous look!

[proudtoehaver]

“You do know he's gay, right?”

“I'm gay. And so is he.”

These two lines, this whole scene, took me utterly by surprise when they were uttered in the Discovery episode, The Red Angel. Because I never thought I would get to hear them, never dared hope that Star Trek would show the backbone to have gay people exist openly and unashamedly of who we are and who we love.

The existence of same gender attraction have always been couched in language acceptable to straight cis people who are uncomfortable with gay people. So much uncomfortable that they would like even the very words we use for ourselves, to frame ourselves, our lives, our loves, to disappear in a supposedly utopian future where we all are presumably living in peaceful coexistence. But for gay humans in the Federation it until Discovery looked like that permission to exist came at the price of being pushed so far back into the closet that not only could we not openly hold hands or kiss in public, but that the very words for us - gay, lesbian, bi and so on - had been destroyed in the average citizens' vocabulary and we were left with no language to define ourselves with. No way to describe how we felt and for who.

In fact, in Star Trek so far gay people have existed as

1) Subtext.

2) In vague allegories that never properly named us.

3) Aliens.

To exist in the Federation as a human and gay was impossible, at least in public. Perhaps we existed deep in the closet, but we'll never know as even those stories were not permitted to be told either in the name of upholding false standards of equality and diversity that was based on the erasure of differences and the upholding of heteronormativity.

But then came Discovery, Hugh Culber, Paul Stamets, their iconic love and love story, and their revolutionary – on a Star Trek show anyway – lines.

They're gay.

By their own words.

Publicly and proudly.

And for the first time no one, except the fandom, is trying to push them back into the closet.

When one is sick or injured, the other is allowed to stay by his side without any questions asked, or any asperity cast on their relationship. Everyone knows they are a couple and no one, apart from some homophobic mirrorverse people, questions that or the validity of their relationship or sexuality. But then, the mirrorverse have never been a good place nor its characters people we should agree with.

The word gay, and lesbian, and bi, and pan ect, are descriptors for who we are. They are not about our struggles, or about our pain. To reduce them to that and say that in a utopic future they should not exist because there would be no prejudice is reductive and homophobic. Because it claims that the words we use for who we love is only about pain, that loving someone of your own gender, that loving someone who’s not “the opposite gender”, can only be about pain and struggle.

To claim that in a utopic future it makes no sense to have words for who we love and how, is incredibly homophobic. It is telling same gender attracted people, telling all people who are anything but straight, that the only way we can exist is if we allow ourselves, our very words for ourselves, our language, to be erased.

While there is something very sad about the fact that it should take this many decades for Star Trek to have its first openly gay, recurring couple on the show I am glad that we as gay people, openly, unashamedly can exist in the utopic future. As human beings and not reduced to strange alien cultures and norms. And with our language for ourselves, our love and desire, whole and intact, rather than destroyed by people who are only comfortable with us if they get to decide who and what we are.

Furthermore, being gay or lesbian, being exclusively same gender attracted isn’t “binary”. Nor is it regressive, or primitive, or whatever words the “progressive” homophobe may come up with as argument to paint their homophobia in a more positive light to the world. They are words for who we love and how we love them. We have always existed; we will always exist. And Hugh and Paul prove that we do not need to stop being who we are, or tone it down. We do not need to enforce violence on ourselves, our bodies, emotions, or attractions. We are allowed to be “binary”, to love our own gender and our own gender exclusively, and live in the utopic future.

Because in any universe we can imagine, we’re gay.

[proudtoehaver]

A dance teacher!Hugh AU that may never see more of it in public than this. Enjoy some fairly contextless fluff and emotional h/c

His phone rings just as he's locking the door to the studio. With leaden movements Hugh digs it out of his coat pocket while depositing the keys in another.  

Paul's number. Damn.  

He knows he had promised to call Paul sometime during the day so they could schedule their weekend, but it had been so hectic since morning that he hadn't gotten around to it. Like every other day this week. In fact the last several weeks had been stressful at the studio. The downside of success. It should quiet down once Michael got back from San Fransisco, but that wouldn't be for another two weeks' time.  

So he guesses Paul finally got tired of waiting for the call and took matters into his own hands. He might as well answer and take the inevitable argument. Hopefully Paul isn't too pissed.  

"Hi Paul," Hugh says, trying to sound as neutral as possible.  

"Evening sweetheart." Paul doesn't sound angry or even testy, he does in fact sound happy and relaxed. "How are you feeling?"  

"Tired. Sore," Hugh admits.

"Mmmm. You really had some tough weeks, why don't you come over?"  

"Paul I- I'm really not fit as company tonight, too worn out."  

"You don't have to be fit for company, you just have to be here. It's been over two weeks since we had more than brief conversations on the phone or a short exchange of texts. I really would like to see my boyfriend in the flesh once in a while."  

Hugh can't deny the truth of that but part of him, the part of him that all too vividly recall how Terrence would try to guilt him over prioritizing his studio and professional life, rebels.  

"Paul, I'm not going to abandon what I've worked so hard to build. Not for anyone," he snaps.  

"I don't want you to do that. But I've noticed how hard you've been working these past weeks and how tired you are. I'd like a chance to look after you for one evening. I was thinking something along the lines of you having a long soak in my hot tub, loosen up those sore muscles, while I finish cooking you a warm, hearty meal. After we finish eating we can cuddle on the sofa together or just go straight to bed and cuddle there if you'd rather that."  

Now Hugh does feel bad. Another reminder that Paul isn't Terrence, not in any way, shape or form.  

"Sounds like you already started dinner," Hugh says apologetically, hoping Paul doesn't take affront of his angry outburst.  

"Well yes. I was really hoping I could talk you into this idea of mine."  

"Consider me convinced," Hugh answers.  

"So I'll see you in a few?" Paul asks and Hugh can practically hear the smile in his voice. "Or do you want me to pick you up? If you feel too tired to drive?"  

"I'm good to drive that short a distance, just mind your cooking," Hugh jokes. "I'll see you in a little while."

When he gets to Paul’s apartment building Hugh is all but done in and part of him just want to turn around and head home. But he made a promise and it has been too long since he and Paul met in person, even though he suspects that they’ll both end up finding tonight a disappointment.

Ringing on the door phone Paul buzzes him in and he drags himself up the stairs to Paul’s front door. It’s been left slightly ajar, welcoming him in.

“Hi honey,” Hugh calls as he steps into the small hall and closes the door behind himself.

Paul appears almost instantly in the doorway leading to the kitchen wearing an apron of all things. It makes him look almost ridiculously adorable in Hugh's opinion.

“Hi,” Paul says in turn, stepping up to Hugh, cupping his face and giving him a peck on the lips. “Ugh, you cold. Good thing then I already drew that bath. All you need to do is get out of your clothes and you don't usually have a problem with that.”

Paul wiggles his eyebrows as he finishes his sentence and Hugh can't keep from chuckling.

“Hey,” he says as he hangs up his coat and removes his shoes. “I can't remember ever hearing you complain about that before.”

“Wasn't a complain,” Paul says giving him another short kiss. “Just an observation. Now get in the bath with you and I'll continue dinner.”

Paul heads back into the kitchen and Hugh opens the door to the bathroom. It is dimly lit and the air is warm and damp with steam from the already filled tub. Stripping down he slips into the bath, groaning softly as the hot water engulfs him. Resting his arms on the side of the tub he leans back his head against the edge and closes his eyes, relaxing and letting the water do its work on his sore muscles.

He had left the door to the rest of the apartment open and he can hear Paul putter about in the kitchen, humming softly to one of those old jazz tunes he loves so much that is playing mutedly in the background and the smell of cooking food is wafting through the air.

The humming comes closer and Hugh sense a shadow fall across the room from the hall.

“Do you want a drink?” Paul asks him when Hugh turns his head towards him, cracking one eye open.

“Paul, you don't have to do all this,” Hugh protests, not sure how he'll reciprocate what feels like a very lavish treatment.

“Have to? No. But I want to,” Paul says warmly. “So, drink?”

“No alcohol, it would just put me straight to sleep.”

“Coffee instead?”

Hugh nods slowly.

“With some caffeine I might stay awake through dinner.”

“You really have worn yourself out, haven’t you? Well one coffee coming right up.”

Paul disappears out the door and back to the kitchen, leaving Hugh staring after him with a frown. He sits back in the tub but doesn’t quite relax, not knowing what to make of it all. This, Paul cooking for him, the bath, the coffee, it feels significant somehow but Hugh isn’t quite able to word how. It feels... intimate in a way they haven’t been before.

Not that they haven’t eaten together, breakfast, dinner and lunch. They’ve slept together in the metaphorical sense as well as the literal. Until tonight Hugh would have said that the only way they could get closer was by moving in together and that’s not what this is.

Or maybe it is. In a way. Not the literal moving together of finding a common home in one of their apartments, or in a new place, but finding, no making, a space in their lives for each other, even when it wasn’t convenient.

And Hugh isn’t sure how he feels about that at all. If he was to be brutally honest with himself he knows he has been keeping Paul at arms lengths, letting him in but only so far. Terrence and all his controlling, jealous bullshit has left him hesitant to let others in quite that far, the only ones there are those from before he broke up with him. After that no one had been allowed that close and certainly not a lover.

But Paul?

“Is something the matter? You look very serious,” Paul says stepping into the bathroom holding a steaming cup of coffee in one hand. He crouches down next to Hugh, handing him the cup.

“It’s nothing.”

“It doesn’t look like nothing.”

“I’m not really ready to talk about it.”

“Okay.” Paul caresses his should. “But when you are, remember that I’m here.”

“I know. It’s just- I'm not sure.”

A loud ding interrupts Hugh before he can say anything else.

“Damn,” Paul swears. “The lasagna. One moment, I don’t want it to burn.”

Jumping to his feet he bolts out the door.

So it had been Paul’s special vegetable lasagna he had smelled. Paul had made it the first time he’d had Hugh over for dinner and Hugh had loved it. He also knows how much effort it is and that Paul rarely makes it without a specific occasion. Paul had begun that not even knowing if Hugh would come over.

Hugh takes a sip of his coffee. It’s hot, strong and with a dash of milk, just like he likes it. Terrence had never bothered learning it, or maybe he had deliberately always gotten it wrong so he had to make coffee less often. But Paul not only knew how to get it right, being a tea drinker himself he hadn’t even had coffee in his home when they met, but he’d started buying it after they started dating.

“Sorry about running out on you like that, I didn’t want the food to burn,” Paul says as he returns, crouching down again beside the tub.

“Your special lasagna?”  

Paul nods.  

“What’s the occasion?” Hugh asks.

“That you’ve been working hard for weeks and deserve a treat.” Paul cups the back of Hugh’s neck. “I can see how worn down you are. I’m not telling you to stop doing what you so clearly love, or to cut back. Just let me look after you for a night? I don’t want to see your star burn out.”

With that Hugh suddenly feels tears spilling down his cheeks, blurring his vision.

“Hey,” Paul says softly, removing the mug from Hugh’s hand and pulling him into a hug.

“I’m soaking you,” Hugh protests, his voice muffled as his face is buried against Paul’s shoulder.

“It’s my apartment, I’ll find another shirt to wear. It’s okay Hugh, I’ve got you.”

Paul is hugging him fiercely and Hugh let himself cry out though he’s not quite sure why he’s crying at all.

When he pulls back Paul brushes the last tears away with his fingers.

“Feel better?” he asks.

Hugh nods.

“Yes. Not sure what happened there.”

Paul says nothing, he just offers Hugh a gentle smile and a kiss.

“I need to check on the rest of the food. Finish your coffee and when you’re done soaking come join me for dinner.”

Dinner itself is lovely. Paul has made up a picnic like setting in front of the fireplace. It’s not cold enough for a fire but still it’s nice and the informality makes Hugh relax further.  

They talk about how their days have been since they were last together, about things they’d like to do together once Hugh has more time again and by the time dinner is done Hugh can feel the full weight of exhaustion built up by the past weeks, but also deeply happy.

“I’m glad you talked me into coming over,” he tells Paul as they lie in bed, his head resting on Paul’s chest. He feels warm and relaxed, and more at peace with himself and the world than he can recall being in a while outside of dancing.

“So am I. I like having you over. Just... having you here.”

“You know,” Hugh says after a few moments of silence. “I’ve been thinking. Maybe I could keep some clothes here? Just a spare shirt or something like that? Would make it easier in the morning not having to go home to change.”

In spite both of them semi frequently sleeping over at the other’s place Hugh had never left any clothes or anything of his at Paul’s and Paul had never asked, perhaps sensing that Hugh needed control of his own space, if it was okay that he kept something at Hugh’s.

“If that’s okay,” Hugh finishes softly.

“It would,” Paul says slowly. “I’m sure I can clear a shelf or two for you.”

“You could keep something at my place too. So you wouldn’t have to rush back either.”

“You don’t mind? Me keeping some shirt or something at your place? Or shifting some of your things to here?”

“No. No I don’t.”

Hugh realizes the truth of those words as he says them. But still they feel monumental. An invitation and an offer to stay, to take up space in each other’s lives, even when it’s not convenient.

[proudtoehaver]

Um......