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An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
Fandom: Holby City
Rating: General audiences
Relationships: Serena Campbell/Bernie Wolfe
Characters: Serena Campbell, Bernie Wolfe, Kevin Barker - original character, Paul Michaels - original character
Additional Tags: Massage class
Summary: After being so intrigued by the mysterious Bernie during their evening classes, Serena is determined to get to know her new colleague better.
Bernie finds herself a flustered mess around her new colleague Serena. How will she cope with working alongside her and seeing her half naked and oily on the massage table?
Here it is... the follow up to There’s The Rub!
I am so fucking frustrated
The title says it all - and yet zero details so I am going to get into them here:
I am going to school for massage therapy. I have one other classmate who is 4 years older than me. We instantly clicked and I am so grateful that my classmate is quite similar to me. The teachers on the other hand... they seem like great people outside of class, but they have been quite bad teachers.
The first teacher was teaching a class that lasted two weeks - she was great, aside from misgendering me, which didn't bother me at the time (doesn't make it okay tho...). My current two teachers though... they are who really make me question how much I want to get through this year of schooling.
I am taking anatomy and physiology, as well as Basic Swedish techniques. From the very first day of anatomy, I was nervous. One, anatomy is just a scary subject - I have been hearing my peers complain about the class since Junior year of high school, so about five years with this fear and nervousness instilled in me. My teacher only made that fear worse. The first day of classes, she flew through the slideshows saying that nearly everything that we were briefly seeing would be discussed in the future... except the second class went like that too, just a little less of "you'll see this down the line," but similar teaching style. Actually, I don't think my normal teacher was there for our second class of anatomy, in which case... I learned better than with my normal teacher.
With breezing through the powerpoints, it is so difficult to catch much information or get it typed out. My classmate doesn't even have a digital way to write down information, so she has to handwrite it, meaning she misses so much more information than she should.
Now, I understand that a part of college is to learn on your own, but we are scheduled to be at school for four hours, and most nights those four hours are nowhere near met. There are two of us, instead of zooming through and not having anything else to teach, I want to have a say in how things are taught. The benefit of having a small class size is not that we get through things faster, it is supposed to be that we have one on one and a more personalized learning experience. That has been said of all of the schools that I've attended and this is the only place that it's actually felt like a possibility... and yet, nothing...
My basic swedish techniques teacher is frustrating but in a different way. Tonight was my second time meeting her, but my fifth class of this course. She had covid for a bit, which I understand, but that meant that we had subs. Now, the thing that I've experienced with substitutes is that my normal teachers explain the lessons plans or have sub notes to some degree. They were not present within this course. Because of that, there were assumptions being made about my normal teacher's preferred massage methods. Those assumptions were incorrect. They were things like excluding one part or another. My classmate and I were practicing these incorrect methods and being told in class, as she was shirtless under a sheet and I am relearning the proper way for the first time and I have really bad anxiety about fucking up when it comes to putting my hands on another person so I want to make sure I understand it correctly before starting. Being told and not shown how to do it the proper way when it felt like I had been doing the proper way was extremely difficult for me. If I am incorrect, yes please correct me, but I am not going to learn properly from a distance. Still, I did my best. What works for me when correcting the mistake is naming out loud the misinformation and explaining what to do instead, that way if I ever think about reverting to the old way I will know step by step how to fix it in the moment before going dangerously far.
It was so frustrating because she didn't realize how I was learning, that I was trying to connect the false information to what I really should be doing. There was a point I was saying that I had learned to effleurage one side of the arm all at once then move onto the other side, and I thought I had skipped a part because the video went back and forth between the two positions. She said that I hadn't, but she also didn't understand what I was trying to say, so I tried to clarify that that was what I had been taught and I was trying to figure out how it was different. She still didn't understand and ended up rewinding it to show me. So I started to become frustrated. I wasn't being heard, in fact I was being shut down and directed to the video again. My classmate said that the majority of the time she was on her phone - I didn't notice that, but that was mostly because I was so caught up in trying to get things right. All of this was a concoction for me to freak the fuck out internally in the middle of a practice massage on my classmate. I knew that I could not physically continue and learn well, so I had asked to leave the room for a few moments. Her response was "You have a client..." And as she said that, Im sure my face said "this is my fucking classmate and I am taking a few moments to myself." So I walked out to compose myself and walked straight to the bathroom, sat in the first stall, and started breathing. I reminded myself that this is frustrating for all of us, and no one was making me frustrated on purpose. Covid isn't anyone's fault and sometimes teachers can forget to give subs notes, especially when it's unplanned. My sub teachers have known my normal teacher for some time and know her end of course long game, so they dropped some hints that a few things will be shortened or edited or adjusted how is best for our bodies. The assumption that we would be doing the same was an honest mistake. It was a big ole mess of miscommunication, one that would teach me how to calm and ground mid disaster and go back into the massage room for the client. Instead, after I calmed down in the stall, washed my hands and was ready to walk back to the class, I see my fully clothed classmate beside me. So it seemed that the massage was over and that I calmed myself down enough for the massage but instead for nothing.
She asked me if I was feeling better and I was, but the thing about me is that that doesn't last if you pick at a fresh wound. I tend to spiral a lot. So that's what I did. I spiraled in silence. Every single thing she said would somehow lead my brain to a self negative thought and I would fight that. Only to be met with more shitty self talk.
We ended up going outside for a bit. We walked around the building some... towards a bar that the guy I used to talk to showed me. I somehow still miss him... SO much. I hate it. On that walk, she offered to hold my hand. I haven't held hands with a platonic, non sexual friend in so long, it was so nice. I miss having close friends who were comfy with physical touch, even when I was the reason they became comfy with it.
Anyway, I am tired and may finish this later, may not, we'll see.
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M.O.D #1 (Move Of The Day)
*Shoulder blade techniques.
*Please share with someone that would get value from this post.
My massage instructor gave us skin markers and had us palpate, name and draw the forearm muscles on ourselves. I may have gone overboard (because my greatest love in life is art.) Easily the coolest thing we've done in class.
If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and you treat it like a duck, you'll have a happier clients.
My Integrated Bodywork instructor.
