I mean...So... You Know?
(Speech Crutches)
Stephen Jay Morris
12/18/2022
Scientific Morality©
You should have heard me speak in the 70s. I had Apraxia, Dysphagia, and other behavioral impediments. I was put into a speech class, in elementary school, no less! My teacher was known as Mister Marx. (You see! The school system was woke, even in the 60s!) At any rate, I would speak and mumble at a very low tone so that I was barely audible. The most frequent requests I’d get were, “Can you repeat that?” “Could you speak a little bit louder?” Low self-esteem was the primary culprit. I had been taught, at home, not to brag about or love myself. Did this stem from some religious upbringing? No. It came from an abusive father who hated both life and himself. To all you Right wing, religious nuts, I fervently begged to God for a single mother to care for me. Not every family needs a father, especially one who is abusive. My dad constantly told me to “shut up,” which I did. Anybody who thinks that a father must behave like a boot camp sergeant is an ignoramus asshole! If I’d had a loving father, I’m certain I would have ended up a registered Republican, working for an accounting firm.
When I left my family at 17, to live with my maternal grandmother, my life notably started to ascend, thankfully, away from its decent into the darkness of hopelessness. The first thing I tried to remedy about myself was my speech impediment. Before long, I noticed that, while talking on the phone, my manner of speaking improved slightly. Also I admired people who gave speeches at anti-war rallies and I learned from those experiences. I knew, instinctively, that the only way I was going to completely overcome my speech issues was to give speeches myself or—even more terrifying—become a radio disc jockey. My community college major became broadcasting. I took a speech course in which, one of the first assignments given was to present a speech to the class. I was terrified! I was afraid I was going to puke in front of everyone, or pop a boner! I think my first speech was about human rights. It wasn’t a catastrophe, but it wasn’t great either. I remember, I didn’t make eye contact with anyone in my audience; I just read my paper, my eyes cast downward the entire time. After the speech, my teacher critiqued me and offered some advice. He spoke, not in a harsh tone, but an instructive one. “First of all,” he said, “nobody likes to watch somebody reading a piece of paper. Once in a while, look at the audience. One thing you do use often, Mr. Morris, is the phrase ‘you know.’ No, Mr. Morris, I don’t know. That is a bad assumption on your part. Don’t feel bad, Mr. Morris,” he continued, “most of your generation is using that expression excessively. Why does that happen? I don’t know. Maybe it’s too much marijuana consumption, or a crutch to allow you to think of your next sentence by delaying. The Beatniks, back in the 50’s, used to use the preposition, ‘like,’ a whole bunch of times. For example: ‘Like, I’m going to the store,’ or ‘Like, wow daddy-o, dig that crazy beat!’ To repeat a phrase over and over again will drive someone listening crazy! You know? Just kidding. Work on those two things and you’ll be fine. Oh, also, Mr. Morris, try to speak in an audible tone—so, people can hear you. You don’t have to shout, like John the Baptist. Just be audible. Go back to your seat.”
Did you know that President Biden had a stuttering problem? But he conquered it. I conquered my speech issues, also. I went from introvert to ambivert, all the way to extravert.
Now, whenever I listen to young folks talk, I notice that they preface their sentences and phrases with, “I mean” or “so.” I can imaging how aggravating it must have been for people when they’d hear me say, “you know” over and over again.
They say that we Homo Sapiens evolved from apes. I think we also evolved from parrots. Americans always copy colloquialisms or expressions. So-called Millennials and Generation Z’ers use the repetitious, “I mean.” This drives me up the proverbial wall! Can’t they simply use the opening phrase, “Well”? Blues singers always used “Well” to start a lyric. But “I mean.” Where in the fuck did that come from?! Is it because you think nobody believes you? Are you trying to be meaningful? When you say, “I mean,” is that a self-correction? “The world is flat! I mean, round.” Is that it? What I mean to say is, if you begin a new idea or statement with “I mean,” again, I will...never mind.
