#memory processing

[art-of-mathematics]

https://www.quantamagazine.org/how-the-brain-distinguishes-memories-from-perceptions-20221214

[tenth-sentence]

Finally, Stickgold suggests a clear link between EMDR and memory processing in dreams: "If the bilateral stimulation of EMDR can alter brain states in a manner similar to that seen during REM sleep then there is now good evidence that EMDR should be able to take advantage of sleep-dependent processes, which may be blocked or ineffective in PTSD sufferers, to allow effective memory processing and trauma resolution."

"The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, brain and body in the transformation of trauma" - Bessel van der Kolk

[art-of-mathematics]

https://www.quantamagazine.org/overtaxed-working-memory-knocks-the-brain-out-of-sync-20180606/

[art-of-mathematics]

Sometimes/often I just want to be an ordinary man with ordinary interests, ordinary expectations from life and ordinary wishes and here I am: autistic and conscious of all my lack of basic life skills.

--

Currently lt's disabling. My focus is non-existent. My clumsyness is so severe that I even refuse to leave the bed, not due to being depressed, but because I have no "brain capacity" to determine my moves properly without causing chain reactions of incidences. It is no exaggeration, but whenever I attempt to solve a problem (like a glass of water fell down..) I cause even more shitty incidences. It's the quanity and frequentation of those incidences that is disabling.

My sensory problems are severe as well. Both sensory processing is deficitary as well as the "output" via motoric control of my body.

Whenever I fail 90% in what I do, I always remember all the shitty degrading comments I received.

I had a bit of self esteem, but thanks to severely desinterested psych workers I have lost my self esteem entirely.

Everyday I hear these comments in my mind and I have nothing to hold against it. I have no counter-example. I have so few experiences where I could achieve something, where my kind of thinking was even wanted.

Constantly being deemed as dumb and whatever is painful when you know you can be smart - with a bit of self esteem and trust in yourself, with just few affirmative words - and an option to advance your knowledge and skills.

Having no options to use my knowledge and skills - and especially not being able to improve and work on them makes me sad. Additionally, working on expanding/improving my knowledge and skills could help me with my self-esteem.

It's saddening.

In the last months I could not train my mind enough to remain functional.

I need daily mental workout to remain a basic level of functionality of basic cognitive abilities. It's like a person with muscular dystrophy - they have to train hard everyday just to remain at a basic functionality.

My verbal and communication skills severely decreased over the last months. Whenever I attempt to write something - may it be poetry, philosophy or about STEM topics it turns into utter gibberish shortly after I started writing.

Even basic grammar becomes deficitary. Word finding problems are severe too.

My brain is super slow. Processing information is filled with more errors than i am able to detect and correct via metacognition. Even basic perception is exhausting because of this. In moments of severe exhaustion my vision becomes double (double pictures) and if I continue the exhausting task (mostly tasks that require much working memory capacity) I become delirious and then fall asleep while doing the task... mental overload... mental shutdown. Mental CPU used by 100%.

The dissociation aspect in my cognitive processes makes it all too difficult, as, well, my memory is like a server having multiple co-existing sub-systems - each of them is also errorous. And sending information between the servers, as to use this analogy, is a very "mental-CPU-exhausting task"...

.... hmmm I might want to write an article about cognitive processes in general - and how it is with my own sensory as well as memory processing. Some weeks ago I started doing short explanations of analogies between cognitive processes and "computer and math terms".

I also want to use pseudocode to depict some "working mechanisms" of my cognition, so to speak.

(I made these many months ago:)

I might go into detail when I actually continue this project.

[art-of-mathematics]

Since I mostly communicate in English (since some years), my German [native language] degenerated increasingly.

Additionally, my English suffers as well, because I constantly switch between the languages in my mind - The bilingualism requires too much "brain power", and often I come up with mixed German-English word-gibberish. I don't even recognize I switch between the languages if I talk with a person who us unable to comprehend/speak English.

Additionally, when I construct my sentences far too many synonyms pop up in my mind - and too many options how to deliver my thoughts/put my thoughts into sentences occur simultaneously - which results in a kind of entangled soup clot - and I mix all these chains of thought together and it becomes utterly incomprehensible in the end.

What sort of phenomenon is that?

I know that my Working Memory is overloaded with all the junk of detail infos it receives from my Long-Term-Memory; And additionally my memory/ information processing becomes increasingly slow if the Working Memory is "approaching its limit". If my Working Memory is approaching its limit it is especially prone to errors. Then, due to the "error-correction loop" (I think it's a form of metacognition) it requires increasingly more time to process information. This, in (re)turn, feeds back to overchallenging the Working Memory additionally.

[thrivingwhilemultiple]

Day Fifteen

#15 - What are some ways that memory gaps appear in your day to day life? (2026):

We have a running joke: “My memory’s amazing, aside from all the amnesia!” And it’s funny ‘cause it’s true. My memory even might be better than PeanutButter’s, who has never suffered abnormal forgetting in his life, and who says it’s weird the things I remember and the things I don’t.

I think our memory fragmentation and micro-amnesias look a lot like ADHD forgetfulness. I don’t retain spoken conversation, instruction, or reminders as easily, but if it’s written down, it’s locked in. I tend to remember details no one else does, and I can rattle off a recipe by heart after reading it once.

Current amnesia is subtle, manifesting as emotional disconnect, or taking longer to piece a memory or string a conversation together. I need more context cues and reminders than most, and recall can take extra effort. But once a memory is recalled, it’s almost disconcertingly accurate.

Most of our stronger amnesia now is located in our historical narrative, in our past. Some of our memories may be permanently destroyed due to medication and ECT, but frankly, I’m okay with that. I can process those betrayals just by knowing about them.

I used to fear remembering what I’d forgotten would make it too vivid to bear, but memories aren’t repressed, they’re dissociated, decontextualized, and amplified by isolation. Processing a memory makes it real, but doesn’t give it life, it gives rest. Lets it be just another sentence in our story, there to inform but not control.

#15.5 - What song(s) do you relate to your DID? (2015):

I love this question. We’ve already shared one DID-specific playlist and are shaping up a few others as we speak. I don’t want to give too much away, but here are some honorable mentions:

Gollum’s Song Emiliana Torrini (song | lyrics) the pain of needing to be more than one

Us and Them Pink Floyd (song | lyrics) the drifting echoes of a dissociative mind

No Roots Alice Merton (song | lyrics) feels eerily ripped word for word from my journals

More multiplicity music is on the way right here on KTWM Radio, but now, a message from our sponsors!

…

(Just kidding. There are no sponsors. It’s just us.)

Click/tap the blue for Motley’s DID MixTape Side A.

[toothbrushunicorn]

Memory: Gibbon's Mischief Night

Gibbon's Mischief Night is my grandma's house in the fall. It reminds me of helping her make caramel apples and pecan sticky rolls. Decorating for Halloween and getting excited about going trick-or-treating.

[toothbrushunicorn]

I'm gonna do something new and exciting! I'm gonna use my blog as a (wait for it...) BLOG! lol

No but seriously, I need to dig through some stuff around scent, so if you're not interested in that skip any posts I tag as "scent memories" and/or "perfume hoarding". Ok? Ok! On to the using the blog as a blog!

Memory: Opium

Opium is tied to breaking up on Valentine's Day.

I was dating a guy named Johnny. He was sweet but too old for me. I didn't realize it until Valentine's Day which is the worst day to realize such things. When I broke up with him, he left crying. I felt bad, but I couldn't keep dating him just because I felt bad for him; that would be cruel. So I played the villain to make sure he knew it was over for good.

Johnny's cologne smelled like Opium perfume. When he left, he didn't take the giant bear he got me. I had to walk home, holding this bear that smelled like him, and hold back the tears until I was finally alone.