Sometimes/often I just want to be an ordinary man with ordinary interests, ordinary expectations from life and ordinary wishes and here I am: autistic and conscious of all my lack of basic life skills.
Currently lt's disabling. My focus is non-existent. My clumsyness is so severe that I even refuse to leave the bed, not due to being depressed, but because I have no "brain capacity" to determine my moves properly without causing chain reactions of incidences. It is no exaggeration, but whenever I attempt to solve a problem (like a glass of water fell down..) I cause even more shitty incidences. It's the quanity and frequentation of those incidences that is disabling.
My sensory problems are severe as well. Both sensory processing is deficitary as well as the "output" via motoric control of my body.
Whenever I fail 90% in what I do, I always remember all the shitty degrading comments I received.
I had a bit of self esteem, but thanks to severely desinterested psych workers I have lost my self esteem entirely.
Everyday I hear these comments in my mind and I have nothing to hold against it. I have no counter-example. I have so few experiences where I could achieve something, where my kind of thinking was even wanted.
Constantly being deemed as dumb and whatever is painful when you know you can be smart - with a bit of self esteem and trust in yourself, with just few affirmative words - and an option to advance your knowledge and skills.
Having no options to use my knowledge and skills - and especially not being able to improve and work on them makes me sad. Additionally, working on expanding/improving my knowledge and skills could help me with my self-esteem.
In the last months I could not train my mind enough to remain functional.
I need daily mental workout to remain a basic level of functionality of basic cognitive abilities. It's like a person with muscular dystrophy - they have to train hard everyday just to remain at a basic functionality.
My verbal and communication skills severely decreased over the last months. Whenever I attempt to write something - may it be poetry, philosophy or about STEM topics it turns into utter gibberish shortly after I started writing.
Even basic grammar becomes deficitary. Word finding problems are severe too.
My brain is super slow. Processing information is filled with more errors than i am able to detect and correct via metacognition. Even basic perception is exhausting because of this. In moments of severe exhaustion my vision becomes double (double pictures) and if I continue the exhausting task (mostly tasks that require much working memory capacity) I become delirious and then fall asleep while doing the task... mental overload... mental shutdown. Mental CPU used by 100%.
The dissociation aspect in my cognitive processes makes it all too difficult, as, well, my memory is like a server having multiple co-existing sub-systems - each of them is also errorous. And sending information between the servers, as to use this analogy, is a very "mental-CPU-exhausting task"...
.... hmmm I might want to write an article about cognitive processes in general - and how it is with my own sensory as well as memory processing. Some weeks ago I started doing short explanations of analogies between cognitive processes and "computer and math terms".
I also want to use pseudocode to depict some "working mechanisms" of my cognition, so to speak.
(I made these many months ago:)
I might go into detail when I actually continue this project.
