Egg Donation - Theory and Long Confession
Alright, still on quarantine from the fertility clinic due to my new tattoo (like with blood donation you have to wait an amount of months before allowed to donate in case of infection), the clinic is closed for the summer anyway. But next month I’m in the clear.
Until then they did give me some homework to try deal with the issue causing troubles whenever I came for a scan.
Long post ahead both about medical nature and personal thoughts.
I’ve already complained plenty about this one issue already. Being too tight for the scanner to get any look at my ovaries and me going home terribly sore and pained from the attempts.
I was given two medical metal rods home with me to try and see how to make anything fit down there in preparation for next session the coming month.
The results from my first few tries have lead to a theory on why this has been so darn hard to accomplish.
The issue is psychosomatic, there’s nothing wrong with my nethers physically. After enough tries and attempts of relaxing, I could actually push a rod in, far deeper than I thought possible. And in the past I couldn’t even fit in the smallest tampon I could find, without causing tears and light bleeding.
My suspicion is that it’s vaginism, which is when the body subconsciously tightens up at any attempt of penetration, out of your conscious control. Making any such attempts very painful and near impossible.
Reasons for this condition can vary from woman to woman, often it’s treated with therapy to solve what mental blockers are causing the involuntary cramping below.
What makes me upset is that at no point did the doctor ever mention any possible cause, nor suggest this as a possible issue. Clearly he saw no reason this was caused by anything physically, as he insist that we just keep trying until it works. If this is mental, letting me walk away every time feeling like a failure and dread the next appointment because of the pain WON’T help it go smoother.
Even with my success here at home with much less pain, I still felt very sore afterwards and uncomfortable. Knowing I have to keep trying to ensure it’s not just a one time success. To ensure I’ll be ready for my next apartment after this month.
And for a possible cause... well, vaginism (or vaginismus) is a mental thing, often found to be caused by either trauma, fear of painful sex or aversion caused by a negative attitude towards one’s own orientation. Well, among things, as this can differ greatly from person to person.
I can assure you all I have no traumatic experience from childhood to cause this, never been sexually abused.
But, yeah, well... always felt less than positive about my own biological function. I never even touched myself before past my early twenties because I found my nethers to be nasty (”You pee from down there!” - young teen me). Heck, first finally figured out how to masturbate past my 25th birthday.
As much as I advocate people to not be ashamed, that everything is fine as long it hurts nobody, I consider myself no prude. I draw NSFW stuff, I find the biological aspect of sex fascinating, I look up NSFW stuff. I read up on kinks and fetishes out of curiosity.
But personally never been comfortable about the idea of it having anything to do with me. People admitting physical attraction to me makes me uncomfortable. The thought of being physical intimate with someone makes me ill.
I don’t consider myself sex repulsed, I don’t think sex is repulsive or bad as long it is harmless and every party in it is being respectful and respected. Unless when it comes to myself.
As clinical as visiting the vagoo doctor is, just to have a check up and do a good deed of trying to donate my eggs, I’m uncomfortable and feel exposed as I have to lie there and let a stranger look up my cooter.
Can it be part of me being Aromantic Asexual? Maybe. Possibly. The world we live in is so hyper-focused on sex and romance, I’m constantly worrying I might accidentally send wrong signals to someone taking for granted that I’m not Aro Ace. That can very well have a cause on why I tense up so much, out of my own control.
As a young teen, I was absolutely horrified going through puberty. Because I thought I had to lose my virginity ‘just because’. Because that’s just what you’re supposed to. Go have sex, everybody does it. Since I had no one I felt attracted to, I thought I was expected to just go out, get drunk and go do it with the first and best stranger to “deal with it”. I was horrified.
And glad I just minded my own business and never did such a thing. I set the rule that if I really HAD to go through something like that, it would only be with someone I found attractive and actually wanted to be with.
And such a person I never found. Later learning I’m Aro Ace and have no reason to look for someone I don’t need.
People take for granted that everyone wants sex and has it. Even had my mom correct me when I said I was a virgin by telling me I’m “not sexually active.” Which is two different things, she just took for granted everybody has sex at some point, especially as a teen, including me.
Knowing a possible cause, knowing there’s nothing wrong with me physically... I have a lot to think about as I work around it.
I could still go through life without this being the slightest issue. The only reason my condition has come up, is because it is causing a blockage towards my chances of donating my eggs to childless couples in need. Getting around this issue won’t change much in my life, beyond the wish to donate.
Just takes a lot of thinking, even before starting to worry about HOW I get around this mental block.
Well... just my thoughts on where we are as of now, with this. If you read through all this, thank you for your time.
