#mental progress

[ontheinsideimapoet]

today I did something I would never have done a year ago. Progress. It WILL get better!

[grunge-me-up]

I really need to put my scale away. Stepped on it today and saw 60kg and felt the immediate urge to fast all day again.

Nope not gonna go down that rabbit hole again!

Also it's just gonna set me up for binging as well, so I'm gonna continue eating as normal as I can.

Might go to the gym today. I really missed it, I went yesterday and it felt so good. And it was awesome to see that my muscle progress didnt vanish after almost two weeks of not training. It just paused because I was eating for maintenance not weight loss.

When I look in the mirror I still see how my legs are bigger but when I feel them, they're mostly muscle with little fat around so I don't feel like they'll become smaller unless I reduce my muscle mass there but I don't want to.

My legs are fine. My arms are bigger too because of muscles and that's fine too! My stomach looks good and you can see lil lines and it makes me feel strong!

I'd like to make progress in my back though since that stabilises everything.

[grunge-me-up]

I'm nowhere happy with how my body looks but I gotta say those first 10kgs I've lost boosted my self confidence so much!

And that happened unintentionally, I fixed more about my mental health then my diet really but yeah living alone really did that for me.

[eluvinn]

I have decided that my first step to getting better is going to be to unlearn that I am an object.

Growing up I was basically just there to do work, and when I couldnt do it I got reminded that I was a burden and told I was stupid. I grew up as an object to do tasks and take the frustrations of the day.

I've never focused on myself before, and never got an idea of how people saw me. I only knew how I saw myself, and figured how I was treated was how I should be treated.

I never noticed that i didn't need a logical reason to like friends, but figured they needed one for me. Whenever I would ask why people would want me around they couldn't give an answer, and I'm only now realizing that they didn't have an answer because they didn't need a reason. If I had asked myself if I had a reason for wanting them around I would have the same trouble they did. Several times when I couldnt get an answer, I would use that to prove that I was worthless.

I've been so against myself for so long that I didn't even know there was another way. I know now that there are more ways, and that the way I was going was hurting others.

[eluvinn]

A decent amount of little things that I did years ago and forgot about are apparently still in some story circulation. I guess I made more of an impact than I thought.

On a less serious note, this cat keeps attacking the thing hanging from my phone, so I have this little dude jumping up randomly trying to steal my phone, and is a pretty happy time.

[eluvinn]

I think I left on good terms with my roommate, which is a good sign of progress. I hope it can continue and spread.

Moving is really stressful, more than it has been before with what has been happening.

I need a break, and hopefully I can get it.

[eluvinn]

Had a fairly normal conversation for the first time in weeks, and it felt nice. When it moved away from the general talk to what was going on with me, I had to leave for a moment to recompose myself. I think I'm more sensitive than I thought, but I'm not going to punish myself for it.

[eluvinn]

So I dont know what exactly I have, but it seems like a combination of depression, anxiety, PTSD, body dysmorphia, maybe imposter syndrome, and potentially autism.

My childhood was not a good one, and it's put a lot of views and behaviors into my head that I'm working on unlearning, including being unable to feel like I deserve anything good, especially being loved. I have absolutely no idea how people see me, and I wholeheartedly believe everything I say in self-deprecation, even when people have tried telling me otherwise. It's always seemed like it was being said sarcastically, or just to get me to shut up about it.

I've been doing a lot of research on mental illnesses recently. I've been opening up to myself more, keeping myself calm with breathing exercises even though it feels like I could have an anxiety attack at any point. I've also been doing tasks as they come so I don't end up with so many stresses that I have another breakdown. I've been making sure to actually experience my feelings, which has lead to a little more stress to manage, and to several crying sessions.

Writing here has been helping too, even if nobody ends up reading this.