#mental shit

[4th-make-quail]

Look at this shit. Why have they cast my man in bronze?! Truly bizarre colour grading choices going on here

Here's my before and after anyway. I might wanna change this at a later time but for now I'm quite pleased

[faceofthemoon]

Warum kann ich nicht gesegnet damit sein hot auszuschauen und cute??? Nö, schaue zu 98% wie ein fetter Gollum aus AahhhhhHHHHHHHHHH

[dissociacrip]

being told "oh you could work from home with a job that doesn't require much social interaction" in response to me wanting to get on benefits by a counselor who i told not minutes ago that i have a really hard time being mentally organized and only taking into account the social and physical aspects to the disabilities i have is maddening.

disabled people w/ cognitive dysfunction whether it's physically or psychiatrically based (or both) are left behind and disregarded in so many ways that even people among the disabled population seem to routinely forget being able to think clearly, understand things, make decisions, etc. aren't abilities that everyone has, which is wild to me considering how common of an experience "brain fog" is becoming.

and i'm not saying that because i'm trying to create some hierarchy of disability, i'm saying that because i'm sick of seeing shit that implies that someone being able to "think straight" is always a given even in conversations that are directly addressing disability as a subject.

[dementra369]

Whining. Again.

I know, it sounds stupid and ignorantly but…

Sometimes I truly envy to people who has hyperfixations. Sometimes I really want this for some theme for aspiration to create a lot of stuff for theme. I often feel something like little fixation but it doesn't enough for crazy desire to create many-many-many things. More often I just don't believe to my stretch for this and do 1-2% from what I want to do at best.

I just want to become a little mad sometimes and DOING more.

Sometimes I have something like hyperfixation, but it means only absorption of content in favorite theme and not creating. I hate myself for that. I. Want. To. Create. Where are my creative power that I had before? I don't want anything else but to create. But I can't create in that volume what I want, and less is not enough for my. Why I can't? I don't know.

Relaxing doesn't work. Alternative activity doesn't work. And for some of this I just don't have enough money.

I want to reboot. Or something like this. Something like...clear the mind from anxious trash and free space for new ideas, creations and else.

[valyrra-art]

Zekhal

[sabrina-thinks]

[fandomhopped]

I’m Not Okay, but It's Fine:)

pairing: steve rogers x platonic!reader, bucky barnes x platonic!reader, sam wilson x platonic!reader, tony stark x platonic!reader ; 2nd person pov.

summary: reader is going through it and they don’t really have anyone to go through it with. / i don’t think i used any pronouns at all so it’s non-gender specific. side note: i kinda just needed to vent, so there’s this.

warnings: mild swearing, low self-esteem, perfectionistic ideas, mentions of mental illness, mentions of suicidal thoughts.

word count: 1k pt. 2

You’re losing all your friends. You couldn’t deny it anymore; they were all leaving you. Whether it was that they’re getting significant others or they just didn’t really talk to you anymore, they were trickling out of your life.

Bucky's in Wakanda, trying to get over his mental shit.

Steve's messing around with Natasha and isn't really associating with anyone else at the moment.

Sam's got a girl from his hometown that he's been spending a lot of time with while also helping his sister.

And then, there's you. You do your work; you go on missions; you try your hardest, which never seemed to be enough for anyone anymore.

You don’t want to be dramatic and say you have no one left anymore, but you are alone. You have no one.

And it’s wearing you down. Every day is a struggle, just to get up in the morning. Then when you’re up, it’s burdening to just keep moving.

And the missions are getting harder because there’s a weight on your shoulders to be perfect and to make not even the slightest of wrong moves because then the whole mission could topple upon itself and it would all be your fault.

But who are you going to tell that to? Everyone else is preoccupied and happy. And you’re happy ‘cause they’re happy, but you’re not really happy because you’re alone and you just want someone to talk to you like normal, but nothing is normal anymore.

Not to you at least. They’re all acting like nothing’s changed, but everything’s changed.

Maybe, that's the problem - that everything's changing and you're not. You don't like change, you liked things the way they were, when you were happy.

It's not depression or any of those other mental illnesses everyone is pushing on you to have either, you would know if you had a mental illness like that... which you don't because you're perfect, or at least you need to be. And a mental illness would be a fault, you need to be perfect mentally - in the most tip-top shape for any situation ever.

And if you're not in the best place mentally, then you can't be there for others like you need to. When people come to you to complain about their life or if they need someone to vent to or to give them the validation they crave.

Maybe that's your only purpose in life - to be there for others... even when they're not there for you, which is completely fine because as long as they're happy, you're happy. No matter how much you sacrifice for them.

Sometimes you feel like your struggles are insignificant, because you haven’t gone through all the others went through. There’s no childhood trauma or dead parents or HYDRA kidnapping, you weren’t in the military, you didn’t lose a loved one.

There’s no reason for you to be down like you are. Some people have way worse.

So it’s dramatic to have the thoughts of ending it all. You’ve thought about, but it never got to the point of you actually considering doing it, bar a few times when you were lying in bed, almost asleep. It was a quick thought, but you won’t deny it lingered for a while.

But you would never do that. There are too many people that care about you, or at least you think so.

Not many people know, but you have an older sister back home. You don’t get to talk to her as much as you used to, but if she got word that you pulled that plug, it would crush her.

And as we all know, you don’t want to burden others with your problems, because then you’re dramatic and an attention whore.

So you push all those thoughts and feelings and unshed tears into a little box inside you and it stays there. God forbid anyone let the one that never had a reason to be upset with their life complain about their situation.

And just when you think you're on the edge of an actual deep depression or a literal nervous breakdown neither of which you would have recovered from, there's Tony.

You hadn't really spoken to Tony since the events of the Germany airport fight. You didn't fight in it, you were in deep cover for a different operation at the time, but Steve was your best friend.

Plus, when Bucky had his shit together for a little bit, you grew very close to him very quick - attached-at-the-hip close. You basically dropped your friendship with Tony for him.

But then Bucky left and Steve's busy and Sam's doing something on his own.

It sounds awful, but, to be blunt, you fell from that high horse and came crawling back to Tony. You denied it for a few days, but soon accepted that you knew what was happening. You feel awful for ever dropping him in the first place, but this is a live-and-learn moment.

Tony accepted your friendship with open arms and you couldn't be more grateful for him. You know he has Pepper and Rhodey and Happy, but the way he just let you right back in even after you dropped him without a second thought and without making you feel bad about leaving him in the first place, just adds to how he is a better friend than anyone else.

He's incomparable to any of the other friends that got bored with you and found others.

He's the best friend any one could ask for.

And you love him with the majority of your heart

but you know as soon as Bucky gets better and is ready to be normal with you again, you'll all but run back to him. You would never speak an ill term on Bucky's name but he's obviously going through things that you can't help him with. He's not in the best state of mind to be there for anyone like you need someone to be there for you.

Like Tony is there for you.

[faceofthemoon]

Mein Herz tut wieder so schlimm weh vor Einsamkeit.