Me and my bf have been dating for 4.5 months and he's very sweet, he cares so much about me and treats me with unbelievable kindness, and he's really sensitive so I'm scared to hurt him but I really need to confront him on something. I've been feeling pretty smothered because he has severe social anxiety and is very emotionally dependent on me. He has made zero effort to make any friends on campus and when I have other plans he waits around and texts me to hang with me when (p1)
(p2) i'm back. He has told me multiple times that if we never met he'd be sitting around in his dorm playing video games. He has no social life and over break he complained of boredom but he didn't ever attempt to make plans with anyone and doesn't have many hobbies besides video games. I've tried to drop hints for him to join his own clubs and I've tried to help him branch out a bit but it's not working and it's come to the point where he's very dependent on me and I intend to be
(p3) very busy next semester between taking more credit hours, joining lots of clubs so I can make more friends (I don't have many on campus yet) and going home more frequently since my grandpa is very ill. I feel like he has placed his happiness in my hands and that's dangerous and this doesn't feel like a fully healthy relationship anymore and I'm scared that talking about this will lead to a break up, but I have to get this off my mind. Tag as jr23 please.
Hi sweetheart,First off all, it's really good that you're noticing some unhealthy patterns in your relationship before they become too deeply engrained. The first step is to sit down and talk about it with your boyfriend, though. Socially anxiety deeply sets people into patterns that feel safe, and it's unlikely he will step out of the pattern on his own. So, in a non-stressful, comfortable time, such as dinner or hanging out in the afternoon, bring up your worries about his lack of friends. The first step to change is to make him aware of what has to change, and explain why too (you being busy and his mental health). If saying it too him is too scary for fear of his reaction, you can always write him an email or a letter too, and begin talking with both of you informed rather than informing him of your other priorities. I can't say whether or not he'll be compliant, but asking is the way to start. If he is not, then regardless of how much you like him, you are not responsible for his emotions and to keep him happy: you are responsible only for yourself. That's hard to swallow, and seems scary to be alone, but you deserve to be happy (just like he does) and if being with him makes you sacrifice your happiness for his, then it's not a healthy relationship. Choosing your happiness before helping him find his may make him unhappy in the short term, but in the long term, it will eventually push him to open himself up socially as he realizes that his isolated behavior only pushed everyone, including you, away. There are some more tips on how to guide this touchy conversation here.If he does agree, which I think he will if he really wants this relationship to be successful, then the first thing to remember is the same as what you remember if it goes badly: you are not responsible for his happiness. You can contribute to it, but you can't make it. You are his friend and his partner, and trying to give him ideas like happiness and friendship will only strain your relationship too harshly, as it puts too much pressure on you. There are a list of ways to help people with social anxiety here, but at the end of the day, what you really should be helping him with more than anything else is finding a therapist. A therapist will take this load off of you and put your boyfriend through therapy to help him move past these behaviors and habits, and into a realm of more comfort and less anxiety. This may take some convincing, but I recommend our page on getting help here. You want to care for him, but in order to care for him, you can't be the one to teach him, too- it's best to find a professional outside source to do that instead.Good luck darling,-Daisy