#mixed orientations

[queerascat]

IF {subcommunity building} THEN {…?}

…wouldn’t it be great if there was more of a sense of intersectional community, comradery, and identity among aces who are also bi? among aces who are also gay? among aces who are also …

...wouldn't it be great if there was more of a sense of intersectional community, comradery, and identity among aces who are also bi? among aces who are also gay? among aces who are also sans romantic orientation? among aces who are simultaneously a part of any other minority community (sexuality-based or not) in addition to also being ace...?

as i sit at my desk idly reflecting on things that have nothing to do with work, my mind wanders as it often does to the topic of intersectionality. more specifically, to the distinct lack of it that i often feel when engaging with ace spaces. i've noticed that whenever i do approach my ace identity through the lens of intersectionality-- which is literally always, mind you-- is when i'm most conscious of there being nowhere and no one for me to then turn to and engage with apart from the ace community at large and sometimes a friend who happens to share that particular intersection of experiences / identities. however, thanks largely in part to my own social ineptness, there are times when that isn't enough.

a lot of times when that isn't enough.

as a more or less "seasoned" ace finding themself in this position, what of those who do not even have what i do...? those who are so deep in 'The Discourse' as to not even feel that they have an ace community to turn to at all...? or 'baby aces' who may be new to navigating ace spaces and may find themselves struggling to reconcile a pre-existing identity with their newfound ace identity...?

i've thought about this idly on and off for a while, never making any sort of 'progress' (whatever that would even mean in this context) as i continually lack the time, energy, and/or mental wherewithal to devote to such thoughts. however, seeing as how these thoughts don't seem to be going away and i am likely to have more time to dwell on them in the near future, i'm attempting to organize my thoughts into jumbled words now in the hopes of gaining insight from others to build off of later...

continue reading on QueerAsCat.com.

[queerascat]

Hey hello hi, so I just recently came to the fact that im attracted physically to men and not sexually, but im attracted to woman physically and sexually. Ive always identified myself as a Lesbian and im confused now cus i found out i feel attracted to men. I DONT wanna do any sexually things with them, NEVER, but i find them attractive? like hardcore. What do you call my sexuality in this scenario? YO and thanks

it’s up to you what you call yourself, anon. you could choose to continue to identify as a lesbian if you want to. being a lesbian doesn’t necessarily mean that you aren’t attracted to men in any way whatsoever, imho. then again, you could also identify as something else if you want to. some people are attracted to different genders in different ways. a woman who is sexually and romantically attracted to women but only romantically attracted to men might (or might not) identify as a biromantic lesbian, for example.

it’s up to you whether you incorporate your attraction to men into your identity and if so, how you do it. sorry i can’t help more.

[queerascat]

Hi. I was wondering if you would be able to tell me what is the difference between a panromantic demisexual and a demi-pansexual?

for some people, they can mean the same thing. it really depends on what the terms mean to the person/people identifying as them.

a possible difference:

a panromantic demisexual may have the potential to experience romantic attraction towards people of any gender, but they experience sexual attraction towards no one until they have a strong, emotional bond with someone, at which time they may or may not experience sexual attraction towards that person.

a demi-pansexual may have the potential to experience sexual attraction towards people of any gender, but they don’t experience sexual attraction until they have a strong, emotional bond with someone, at which time they may or may not experience sexual attraction towards that person.

these are but one of many possible ways that someone who uses these terms might identify, so there are many more possible differences than this. again, it all depends on what these identities mean to the person/people identifying as them.

[queerascat]

Hello, I need help. I am attracted t girls for sure(I am a girl too), but I find boys hot and cute too. The thing is even thought I find cute and that I don't want any romantic things to happen between us. With girl I would do all! What am I? Help!

i’m afraid i can’t tell you what you are, but i will say this.

sometimes one finds people of a particular gender (or genders) aesthetically / visually pleasing or attractive to look at. sometimes that is the only attraction that one feels towards that particular gender (or genders) and sometimes it’s not.

some people may choose to give voice to their attraction towards two (or more) genders by identifying as bi, even if their attraction to one (or more) gender(s) is purely aesthetic. others may choose to focus on the gender(s) that they experience multiple types of attraction towards because attraction to that gender(s) feels more pertinent to them, for example. and then there are those who identify as something else entirely for various reasons.

it’s entirely up to you how much the attraction you feel towards boys factors into your personal identity. based on that, go with whatever identity/word feels like it describes you.

sorry if this hasn’t really helped you. ultimately, only you can say who or what you are and i’m afraid that there is no one word to convey the complexity of what you’re feeling or who you are.

[asexualadvice]

I have this female friend who is hetero, but has recently been expressing that she would date a girl but not have sex with them. I told her about romo and sexual id's not being the same and suggested that she might be biro. She said that would (V)

Make sense for her. But she also said she would feel bad for witholding sex from a female partner. So. 1)I'm not really sure how to respond to that in general??? 2)I'm ace and I have a crush on her but if we dated I wouldn't want her to constantly(V) Feel guilty for not having sex with me, even if we talked about it and I told her that I didn't want to have sex. Do you have any suggestions, mainly for the first one? The second one is more of a fear for any relationship I'm in than anything (V) But it feels nice to confide my fears to people who will listen. Thanks so much! (V) PS. Sorry this is so long; I'm unfortunately confined to mobile until my Internet gets fixed.

1) For responding to that in general, just explain that many people don’t want sex in a relationship, or are ambivalent and would be fine not having sex if their partner didn’t want to. You’ve already done some preliminary education by telling her about mixed orientations, so I have faith that you can tackle this and that she’ll listen. We have some examples of happy sexless relationships on the blog, often under the mixed relationships or happy stories tags.

2) As to either party feeling guilty about there not being sex in the relationship: you just both need to talk about it and trust each other. If neither of you wants sex in a relationship, there is absolutely no reason for anyone to feel guilty. If one partner enjoys sex, but chooses to be in a sexless relationship because the other partner doesn’t want sex, there is no reason for anyone to feel guilty. That guilt is just Society in your head telling you that relationships need sex--and it’s wrong, so don’t listen. 

-Filbert

[queerascat]

So I have a question! I'm homosexual but I'm also demisexual-Heterosexual (I only like the opposite gender under the demisexuality category of I only like the opposite gender after a deep bond) I need a term...?

i’m afraid there is no single term that encompasses all of that, anon. when it comes to people who have mixed orientations (ie. people who experience differing levels and/or types of attraction at the same time), there is no standard or universal way of referring to one’s orientation(s) and/or identity(/ies).

in your situation, some people simply refer to themselves as bisexual for simplicity’s sake. others might refer to themselves as bisexual in certain situations, but then in other situations / with certain people clarify that they are demisexual when it comes to people of different genders**. then again, others may prefer to say exactly what you have said, that they are homosexual and demi-heterosexual.

since there is no universal way of referring to mixed orientations, it’s up to you how you word it and whether or not you choose to “simplify” it at all.

** there is no such thing as “opposite gender” given that there are more than two genders.

[chicanabi]

Mixed orientations, so frustrating

I am at the stage where I am comfortable identifying accurately to myself, but I don't think it is necessary to hand over all my labels when asked, especially if I can reasonably expect that some of them will result in negative responses or annoying assumptions or skepticism or gossip.

Here's where I am now, for posterity's sake:

My Tumblr header says: biromantic demisexual

But this is more complete: homoaesthetic (kind of demi)-biromantic demisexual demisensual, and cis

But that's a really long list and it sounds pretentions to list all of that. It's relevant to me, because it's about me and I am interested in myself and how I interact with others, but I am NOT going to give that long list to other people. They don't need it! It's not even about closets. It's about a reasonable desire for privacy and not wanting to discuss intimate details about myself with people I'm not dating.

In real life I say: (nothing)

If I'm directly asked and fear potential negative repercussions (even just gossip), I'll say: straight

If I'm directly asked by someone I'm inclined to trust, but who I'm not dating, I'm prepared to say: mostly straight

I'm not going to tell people in real life that I'm demi-romantic/sexual/sensual because they might think I'm weird if they're average-romantic/sexual/sensual. I don't need to be asked awkward questions about whether or not I masturbate, or face offensive skepticism over whether or not I really love my boyfriend. I'd only discuss these orientations with other people who are like this, too, since they'd understand me. I'm lucky that my mother is also on the aro/ace spectrum, so I grew up feeling accepted in that regard.

I am a little more inclined to wish people knew about my same-gender attractions, but also more scared of people knowing. My mom would be accepting and wouldn't change her attitute toward me, and I know I could tell her (but haven't yet). My father might be confused and concerned about how my behavior might change (e.g. cutting my hair short, getting a girlfriend, becoming promiscuous). I don't even really know if that's what he'd think. He just never talks about this, so I have no idea.

As far as co-workers, friends, and acquaintances: my main concern is assumptions, skepticism, gossip behind my back, and expectations that I'll change my behavior after I told them. I'm straight passing, cis and not gender ambiguous, and currently in a man/woman relationship, so I have cis-straight privilege that most LGBT+ people don't. I'm concerned that I might face either resentment that I'm claiming a non-cishet identity or, conversely, resentment that I'm not public enough about my non-cishet identity.

Ultimately, why do I even want people to know I have same-gender attractions?

This is why:

(1) I want people to stop asking me which guys are hot. (2) I want people to stop expecting me to swoon or pay attention when guys take off their shirts. (3) I want to talk about my crushes on female celebrities. (4) I want to talk about what women are super pretty and adorable and hot.

It's the homoaesthetic part of my orientation which really causes conflict with my other orientations. Visually, women are hot, not guys. I like boobs and legs and curves and pretty hair and lips. However, I'm not interested in sex with women and I think I'm a 1 or 2 on the Kinsey scale for sexual orientation, hence the "mostly straight" partial truth. I'm probably a 3 on a Kinsey scale for romantic orientation. In real life, though, I'm only interested in romance and sex with my very masculine boyfriend.

The contradictions are frustrating sometimes.

[asexualadvice]

can you be heterosexual and panromantic at the same time? I feel like this is what I identify as and idk I'm just really confused

Absolutely! Mixed orientations are totally a thing, and you can definitely be romantically attracted to a different set of people from who you’re sexually attracted to. Panromantic heterosexuality is a thing. Any combination of romantic and sexual orientations is possible, as we have pointed out in our FAQ.

-Kiowa