Would you be willing to write Shadowhunters? Jalec, “You’re always number one”? If not, then what about Sterek, “You love me, right?”
Well. This came out of the left field, didn’t it? Only a month ago, I got an anon asking if I still wrote Sterek and I said mostly no, yet here I am, with more Sterek. For the first time in four and a half years.
I’m as surprised as you are.
So yeah. The above prompts are from THIS post that I reblogged almost four years ago. Because that’s how I roll. Also, worth mentioning: this is not compliant with anything after season two, because I couldn’t care less about what came after it. Enjoy.
Can also be found on AO3
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The thing Stiles probably hated themost about Derek was his ability to leave him speechless. No, not speechless — dumbfounded. Not many could do that andcertainly not as efficiently as Derek sometimes did.
The most frustrating part being that Derekwasn't even particularly quick-witted. Or at least he hadn't been, not at the start. But perhaps hanging around a bunchof snarky teenagers had taught him a couple of things. Except he was stillDerek, so he delivered the sarcastic quips with the same kind of deadpanflatness as usual, which sometimes made it difficult to tell if he was jokingor not.
Knowing Derek and his sense of humor — or lackthereof — it was usually the latter, but still.
It was just unnervinghow flawlessly Derek could deliver a line, without giving his emotions away.Derek was difficult to read on a good day, but, on the bad ones, Stiles didn'thave a single clue as to what might be running through their resident alpha'shead.
Which, quite frankly, made his life pretty damndifficult on a more or less daily basis.
Derek didn't play by the same rules as everyoneelse and, clearly, didn't give a single fuck about what others might feel aboutthat. He didn't respond to jokes like a normal person would, nor did he givethe expected answers when asked questions.
Like that time he completely blindsided Stilesand told him that he loved him, possibly as a joke.
But possibly also not as a joke.
They were at Derek's loft, as was often thecase when the pack felt like hanging out, while Derek brooded in thebackground. He always put up a token protest whenever they showed upunannounced, huffing and puffing, but had never actually slammed the door intheir faces. As much as the alpha didn't seem to want to admit it, he wasn'tactually against having them all there. Perhaps because it was a testament toeverything they had been through that they had, somehow, been able to end up asa pack after all, even if it had taken over a year after the kanima incident.
That night, the pack was playing a somewhatunorganized game of Would You Ratherwhile Derek stood staring out the window like the lurking shadow that he was,pretending to ignore them and their game.
It was when Erica asked 'Would you rather dateBigfoot or the Loch Ness Monster' that things started derailing — and,surprisingly, not because of the content of the question itself.
As per usual, every participant took thequestion a little too seriously, but,when it was time for Stiles to answer, Jackson cut in before he had time tospeak.
"I think a better question would be whichone of those would even be willing todate Stilinski."
"Hey! I take offense to that!" Stilessnapped back, sitting cross-legged next to a snickering Scott — the traitor."I'll have you know that I'm primedating material."
"As shown by your dating history,"Erica said, nodding sagely, her head resting comfortably in Boyd's lap."How many dates have you been on, again?"
Stiles gave her the finger, mostly because theyall knew Stiles hadn't been on all that many aside from that disastrous time hetook Lydia to the winter formal. In his defense, it hadn't been Stiles's faultthat particular date didn't turn out so well.
Erica only laughed in response, bright andmusical. Stiles honestly didn't feel all that insulted — he could see thefondness radiating off of her — but he still felt a need to defend his pride.
"I am a delight," Stiles declared loudly, which only made Scottsnicker more. "I am plentylovable."
There were scattered laughs around their circleand Stiles could practically hearDerek roll his eyes. Which, naturally, Stiles had to acknowledge. Not justbecause this was Derek and Stiles wasnotoriously bad at ignoring Derek — anything relating to their grumpy alpha waslike an itch he couldn't help but scratch — but mainly because Derek was clearly listening, despite pretendingnot to.
"Derek agrees," Stiles threw out,twisting to look at the alpha. "Don't you, Derek?"
The look Stiles received in return was, to saythe least, unimpressed. Stiles wasimpressed, however, albeit reluctantly — he had never met someone whose facecould look so blank yet so suffering at the same time. It was a talent thatDerek had perfected to an art.
Derek didn't move from where he stood by thewindow, but he did raise an exquisitely expressive eyebrow, as if to ask whatStiles was fishing for this time.
"You love me, right?" Stiles asked.
A part of him wondered if, maybe, he shouldhave made it sound like more of a joke — for his own sake, really. That way,Stiles could simply accuse Derek of having a poor sense of humor if he decidedto threaten Stiles with violence for his audacity. Done was done, however, thepack tittering in the background.
The expression on Derek's face didn't change inthe slightest. If he was at all annoyed by the question, he didn't show it. Derekjust keep looking at Stiles with that steady, unnerving intensity he sometimesgot and, without meaning to, Stiles stopped breathing. Things became even worsewhen Derek actually replied.
"Yes."
Stiles blinked, his heart performing acomplicated skip and twist he wasn't even sure how to interpret. Derek soundedshockingly sincere, to the point where Stiles couldn't even tell if he wasjoking or not.
He had to be — of course he was joking — but it didn't sound like he was.
Stiles stared at Derek, too stunned to think ofa reply in the awkward seconds that followed. He knew he should say something —or at the very least try to laugh the comment off — but he was infuriatinglydumbfounded. Stiles had been prepared for a flat glare and maybe a sufferingsigh in reply to his question, but not that.
Not something so dangerously close to whatStiles always found himself wishing for in his most honest, vulnerable moments— those thoughts he kept buried so deep inside himself they'd hopefully neversee the light of day.
Derek didn't know, did he? Had he figured itout?
He couldn'thave. Derek wasn't exactly known for his social prowess and Stiles knew he kept his own feelings hidden. Itwas partly due to embarrassment, to be honest. What kind of masochistic idiotfell in love with Derek Hale, of allpeople?
Not that Derek was a bad person by any means —quite the opposite, once you looked past the gruff exterior — but he wasn't aparticularly pleasant one, either. You had to be a glutton for punishment tofall in love with someone as prickly as Derek.
Which, then again, considering that the otherbig love of Stiles life was Lydia,probably just showed that he had a rather specific type — terrifying, gorgeous,and way out of his league.
It was Scott who eventually broke the silence,his amused snort echoing through the loft.
"Very funny, Derek," Scott said."You need to work on your sarcasm."
Only then did Derek look away from Stiles. Hisgaze turned to Scott instead, exasperation bleeding back into his expression.He didn't say anything, instead choosing to merely roll his eyes again and turnback to the window, clearly signaling that he was done with the conversation.
Stiles managed a faint laugh, but it soundedjarring to his own ears, partly drowned out by how loud his heart was beating.He was a little more shaken than he wanted to admit, especially since he knewit must have been a joke. Derek would never say something like that andactually mean it. He had no reason to. He had never, in the years he and Stileshad known each other, shown any indication that what he said might be true.
Had he?
Even as the others started talking again, thegame continuing, Stiles found himself glancing back at Derek. The alpha didn'tacknowledge him or his looks — which came as no surprise — but he had to beaware of them.
Stiles forced himself to look away, before hemade things too obvious. He could feel Lydia's eyes on him and even if hesuspected that she already knew she was no longer the object of his affections— no matter how often he proclaimed that she was — he didn't want her to revealthat to the others. Derek especially. Derek must never know.
Stiles was foolish for ever hoping — even for asecond — that Derek's comment had been anything but a joke. It had to be. Derek had no reason to fallin love with Stiles, and certainly not declare it in front of the pack withsuch conviction. It was a joke. Of course it was.
Stiles would do well to put it out of his mindand forget about it entirely.
---
Stiles couldn't forget about it. He really,really tried, but it was downright impossible. Partly because of his ownfeelings, suppressed as they were, but also because he couldn't quite shake thethought that, maybe, Derek hadn'tbeen joking. Again, he was foolish for even hoping, but could anyone blame him?Wasn't it natural to want the person you were interested in to reciprocate?
Even so, Stiles did his best to hide hisconflicting thoughts. It wouldn't do to have the pack or, God forbid, Derekfind out about it.
Unfortunately for him, that was easier saidthan done. The pack hung out a lotand Derek was a more or less constant presence in the background whenever theydid. And Stiles had always had a hard time ignoring Derek. He was constantly aware of the alpha, now moreso than ever, and feared that every time he talked to Derek or even looked athim, the others would figure out the unholy thoughts Stiles was hiding.
Some distance was clearly necessary.
Not that he and Derek were close — not as closeas Stiles would like, at least — but they certainly had some kind of special relationship. One that was a mix of sarcasticbickering and thinly veiled threats, sure, but it was theirs. Stiles wouldn't say that Derek was particularly fond ofhim, but he didn't treat anyone else the way he treated Stiles. Which, granted,might not necessarily be a good thing, but beggars can't be choosers.
And Stiles was only just above begging at thatpoint.
But he refused to let that show. Partly becauseof pride, but mostly because he didn't want to piss Derek off. If Derek hadbeen joking, the last thing he wanted was for Stiles to suddenly reveal thathe'd been pining after him the past year or so. Stiles couldn't picture thatplaying out in a way that didn't resultin him getting injured or kicked out of the pack.
So, he needed to put some distance betweenDerek and himself, just to be safe. It wasn't even difficult. He just made surenot to initiate conversation as often as he usually would and kept an actualphysical distance whenever possible. Again, it wasn't like they were close andconsidering the number of suffering eye rolls Stiles had gotten over the timethey'd known each other, Derek might actually enjoy not having Stilesconstantly pestering him for attention.
And if his new behavior awarded him weird looksfrom the rest of the pack? Well, Stiles was known to be the weird one. Thoughhe had to admit it was kind of funny that the one time he tried to act like a decent human being — that was tosay, one that didn't heckle their alpha — everyone thought he was acting out ofcharacter.
Stiles supposed that said quite a lot about hisusual behavior.
Even so, distancing himself from Derek was forthe best. An offhand joke wasn't a good enough reason to risk the stability ofthe entire pack. Instead, Stiles should focus on hiding his feelings and notmaking Derek suspicious.
No matter what it took, no one could know thatStiles was in love with Derek. He'd hidden it for a year already — he just hadto keep going.
Everything would be fine.
---
It only took a little over a week before Lydiapulled him aside and asked what was wrong with him. Which, to tell the truth,surprised Stiles quite a bit. On the list of people he thought might try totalk to him about his sudden change in behavior, she barely even made the topfive. Then again, Lydia was frighteningly astute and had no patience whatsoeverfor people's bullshit.
So, on second thought, it made perfect sense.
Especially since she phrased the question kindof like he had an infectious disease — which, rude. Stiles decided to play dumb, just to be a little shit.
"There's something wrong with me? Ihaven't noticed."
Lydia was having none of it, crossing her armsover her chest and giving him an impressively withering look. She even passedup on the chance to point out that there's alwayssomething wrong with Stiles.
"Did something happen between you andDerek?" she asked instead.
Stiles desperately reminded himself to staycool — he couldn't let Lydia know just how much that question rattled him.
"What? No! Of course not. I have no idea what you're talking about."
So much for keeping it cool.
Lydia raised an eyebrow and Stiles, predictably,had to fight an urge to squirm. Lydia was terrifying.
"You've been acting strange," shesaid. "You're distancing yourself and the others are getting suspicious.So is Derek."
Well. That was the complete opposite of what Stiles wanted. He wastrying to distance himself so that Derek would get less suspicious, or at the very least got fewer opportunities tofigure out how Stiles felt about him. He hadsucceeded with the latter, at least.
"Did what he said affect you that much?"Lydia continued.
Despite his best intentions, Stiles froze. Heeven stopped breathing. He knew he was being painfully obvious, but he couldn't help it. With some effort, hemanaged to force out a reply, even if he was lying through his teeth:
"What he said when? I don't follow."
At that point, the look Lydia gave him wasdownright disapproving, as if he has gravely disappointed her somehow. Which,all things considered, wasn't unlikely.
"Stiles, avoiding him isn't a good way tohandle this." Lydia placed her hands on her hips, as if she in any wayneeded to make her disapproval more obvious.
"I think it's a great way to handle it," Stiles replied without thinking. Howelse was he supposed to hide his inconvenient feelings?
Lydia frowned.
"I thought you were better than that,Stiles," she said, shaking her head.
Most of the time, Stiles could accept criticismwithout taking too much offense, but something about her tone made his hacklesrise. She kept going before he had time to defend himself, however.
"If you're that bothered by his feelingsfor you, you should tell him to his face."
"I have no idea—"
Stiles cut himself off, her words finallyregistering. Derek's feelings for him?
Wait, what?
Stiles stared at Lydia, but she was eitherunconcerned by his reaction or didn't notice — probably the former — since shejust kept talking.
"I understand it might be awkward, butavoiding him like this is downright cruel — a lot crueler than I thought youcapable of. If you—"
Stiles was barely listening to what she wassaying, still stuck on that one little detail he was pretty sure he must havemisheard.
"Wait, wait, wait, hold on a second. Back up,"he interrupted, hands flailing. "His feelings for me?"
Lydia gave him a look that clearly stated hewas being an idiot.
"Yes, his feelings for you — the very samefeelings that, clearly, made you so upset you decided to ignore and avoid him."She shook her head. "Is this some kind of internalized homophobia? Ithought you had come to terms with your bisex—"
"No, no, hang on!" Stiles interruptedagain, gesturing perhaps a bit more wildly than necessary.
Lydia fell silent, even if she didn't look too happyabout it. Stiles swallowed, trying to process the new information while alsobreathing through the inexplicable tightness in his chest. Neither was goingparticularly well.
He musthave heard her wrong.
"He... he has feelings for me?"
Again, the look Lydia gave him was none toflattering to Stiles's mental capacity.
"Yes, Stiles. He told you so himself,didn't he?"
"No, but—" Stiles faltered, a littleoverwhelmed by the sudden flare of hope. "He was joking. Right? Everybodythought he was joking!"
Lydia rolled her eyes.
"Scottthought he was joking. And since when do we listen to Scott when it comes toobservations and reaching important conclusions?"
Well, she had a point there. Scott didn'tnotice some things even if they were right in front of him. Not because he wasstupid or anything, but because he often had a bad case of tunnel vision andselective awareness.
That didn't mean Lydia had to be right, though.As perfect as Stiles always claimed that she was, she could still be wrong. Howcould she possibly know what Derek was feeling? He was about as easy to read asa rock on most days.
"But he... he never said anything,"Stiles said weakly, feeling like he had to protest somehow. Not because hedidn't want her to be right — he desperatelywanted her to be — but because he'd spent so much time trying to convincehimself it couldn't be true.
Derek hadto have been joking when he said he loved Stiles. They couldn't both have feelings for each other, couldthey? Without having told anyone?
"And you did?" Lydia deadpanned.
Well, no — Stiles clearly hadn't. Which couldexplain why Derek hadn't, either. Out of the two of them, Derek was a lot lessused to being vocal and talking about his feelings. His track record when itcame to emotions and trusting people wasn't exactly great, either. If he had feelings for Stiles, of course he would be hesitant to bring themup on his own. He'd be afraid of how badly it could backfire and just whatwould happen if Stiles didn't return his feelings. Considering all the badexperiences Derek had had over the years, he'd assume the worst. Like Stileshating him or that he'd start avoiding him and never talk to Derek again. Kindalike—
Oh.
Oh no.
As realization dawned, Stiles slapped his handsover his face, his stomach twisting up tight into a heavy knot of anxiety.
"Oh God,he thinks I hate him."
"Pretty much," Lydia replied,sounding insufferably calm.
"Holy shit,"Stiles whispered empathically, allowing his hands to sink into his hair."I wasn't— I mean, I was, butnot because—"
He gave up on finishing the sentence, settlingfor staring helplessly at Lydia instead. Fortunately, she took pity on him.
"Go talk to him." Her tone left noroom for arguments — not that Stiles had any intention of doing something thatstupid. "Explain that you're an idiot and that you need to straightenthings out between the two of you."
Stiles nodded, pathetically grateful to be toldwhat to do — he clearly wasn't to be trusted with decision-making right now.Though, arguably, his intentions had been good, it just turned out his effortsweren't necessary and had given Derek the entirely wrong idea. Fucking hell.
He had to find Derek — sooner rather thanlater.
Stiles was just about to turn around and leavewhen he remembered his manners. He focused back on Lydia and took a deep,trembling breath.
"Thank you, Lydia." He honestly couldhave kissed her out of gratitude, but suspected she wouldn't appreciate that."You are perfection in human form."
"I know," Lydia replied, beforemaking a shooing motion. "Go. Talk to Derek."
After one last nod, Stiles did as told.
---
The expression on Derek's face when he slidopen the door to the loft was so blank Stiles couldn't help feeling a littleconcerned. Derek was difficult to read, yes, but he was rarely expressionless —his eyebrows spoke an entirely own language, for heaven's sake.
It wasn't even a stiff, stony kind of blankness— the kind that belied more fiery emotions underneath — but a forced kind ofvacancy that showed that, clearly, Lydia had been right. Derek wasuncomfortable in Stiles's presence, probably because he didn't know what toexpect, and chose blankness over showing what he actually felt.
Stiles swallowed down his nerves and, with someeffort, managed to speak.
"We need to talk."
Derek didn't move. His expression didn'tchange, either, which was incredibly disconcerting. Usually, he would havegiven some indication that he foundStiles's habit of talking an annoyance, either by rolling his eyes or giving asuffering sigh. Now he just stood there, silently waiting for Stiles tocontinue.
That didn't exactly encourage Stiles tocontinue, even if he knew he had to.
"Can I come in?"
Stiles would rather not do this in the hallway.Not because Derek had nosy neighbors — Stiles had never even seen the other occupants in thebuilding, though he had been told there were some — but because Stiles hoped hecould avoid Derek's flat staring if they were inside the loft.
A silence settled between them, Derek's face remainingexpressionless to the point of it being downright creepy. Stiles startedwondering if he'd even heard the question. But then Derek let out a slow,controlled breath — kind of like a drawn-out sigh — before he turned away fromthe door. The fact that he left it open for Stiles was as close to aninvitation as he was going to get.
Stiles hurried in after Derek, sliding the doorshut with slightly shaking hands. This hadn't started off particularly well,but Stiles was determined to see it through, no matter what. If nothing else, he'ddo it because Derek seemed more affected by Stiles's avoidance tactics thanhe'd expected.
Or maybe he had just chosen not to see it —that was easier, after all. That way, he didn't have to face the consequencesof his own behavior.
On the drive over to the loft, Stiles hadthought back on the — unusually few — interactions he and Derek had had overthe past couple of days and there was no denying he wasn't the only one who hadbeen acting differently. Just like Stiles, Derek had kept his distance, but hehad done so with a hint of sadness and resignation that Stiles hadn't wanted toinspect further.
Derek had seen what Stiles was doing andreached his own conclusions as to the reason. They were the wrong reasons, but Stiles couldn't blameDerek for reaching them. He hadn't exactly made it easy for him.
When Stiles turned to face Derek, he felt a mixof nerves and guilt. He needed to set things right and, with some luck, Lydiawould be right about Derek's feelings for Stiles. The prospect of alsorevealing his own feelings was daunting, but Stiles supposed they'd reached thepoint where he had to. He'd painted them both into a corner.
Stiles cleared his throat, wincing as the soundechoed in the still depressingly barren loft. Someone really should force Derekto get some more furniture, or at least a couple of curtains.
"So, uh..." Stiles trailed off, notsure where to start.
Derek turned to face him and, finally, therewas a hint of emotion on his face. The fact that it was resignation was perhapsnot very uplifting, but at least that horrible blankness was gone.
"I... well..."
God, could this get any worse?
And Stiles knew for a fact that Derek wouldn'tbe the one to start this conversation, mostly because he didn't even know whatconversation Stiles was trying to have. Derek clearly thought he knew, judging by the forlorn look on his face, but hecouldn't be more wrong. Stiles wasn't there to cut Derek out of his life — hewanted to make him an even bigger part of it. He just had to get the words out.Which usually wouldn't be a problem for him, but of course Stiles's motormouth failed him just when he needed it themost.
Stiles took a deep, fortifying breath.
"I'm an idiot and I need to straightenthings out between the two of us."
Derek pressed his lips together, clearlybracing himself for what was to come, but didn't look away. He held Stiles'sgaze, surprisingly fearless considering what he no doubt thought was going tohappen. Stiles definitely wouldn't have been able to, had their roles beenreversed. He'd be doing his damndest to escape the conversation entirely, butDerek was facing it head on. Not happily, clearly, but with a resignation thatshowed just how often he'd been hurt and let down in the past.
Stiles took a step closer, feeling a desperateneed to decrease the distance between them.
"It's not what you think," he said,fumbling to find the words that would explain his behavior without also forcinghim to blurt out a sudden love confession. He'd get there — or at least he hoped he would — but he wasn't sure ifthat was the best place to start. "I've been acting strangely lately and Iknow you've noticed, but I don't think you understand why."
Derek let out a short sigh, which was maybecloser to a disbelieving huff. Stiles hurried along.
"I wasn't trying to avoid you because ofwhat you said." Stiles realized he was fidgeting with the sleeve of hisshirt and quickly let go. "Or, well, yes,it was because of what you said, but the reasonisn't the one you think."
Finally, Derek acted a little bit like hisusual self and rolled his eyes, his impatience getting the better of him.
"Just get to the point, Stiles."
Only someone like Derek would be in such ahurry to, as far as he knew, get dumped.
"I didn't want you to see how much I likedit," Stiles blurted out. Despite his best efforts, he glanced away, alittle too embarrassed and nervous to look straight at Derek. "What yousaid, I mean. I... I wanted it to be true. But that seemed too good to be,well, true so I kept telling myselfit had to be a joke." Stiles swallowed. "And I decided I couldn't letyou see that because you might get angry, so I decided to start avoiding you.It just... seemed like a good idea at the time."
The silence was deafening. Understandably so,considering the bombshell Stiles had just dropped, but that didn't exactly helpwith his nerves. He was pretty sureDerek wouldn't hate him, but there was always a slight risk that Lydia might bewrong about the whole thing. If that was the case, Stiles had just revealed hisinnermost secrets to someone who really didn't want him to.
At the sound of movement, Stiles looked up,just in time to watch Derek pinch the bridge of his nose. Stiles hadn'texpected that gesture to fill him with such relief, but it did. Mostly becauseit was coupled with an exasperated sigh — the one Derek gave Stiles on aregular basis and constituted one of the cornerstones of their somewhatunconventional yet satisfying relationship.
"Are you serious right now?" Derekasked, but there was a hint of something warm in his tone — something hopeful.He didn't look like he thought Stiles was lying, which had definitely been apossibility. One that would have been difficult and time-consuming to work through.
"Like a kanima attack," Stilesreplied.
Derek lowered his hand and gave Stiles a lookthat could best be described as very reluctant fondness. He didn't have to sayanything to show just how stupid he thought Stiles had been — which Stilesdeserved, to be honest. Stiles could, arguably, have handled this situationbetter.
"But, look at it from the brightside," Stiles said, taking another couple of steps closer. "Thisconversation wouldn't have happened without me being such an idiot."
There was a small twitch at the corner ofDerek's mouth, as if he was trying to hold back a smile.
"And what conversation is that?"
Stiles smiled, this time not minding thenervous flutter in his stomach.
"The one where I ask you out," hereplied.
Derek raised an amused eyebrow.
"Or you can ask me out, if that's what you prefer," Stiles amended.
Derek let out a small scoff and shook his head.
"I can't say I care."
The way he looked at Stiles was intense to saythe least, but in the best way possible.
"But you'll go out with me?" Stilesasked, just to be sure. He didn't want any more misunderstandings. Things wereclearly a little bit fragile still — that love confession would have to wait,at least a little while — but that was fine. Stiles could be patient if he hadto be.
He could be patient for Derek.
"Yes, Stiles," Derek replied, rollinghis eyes despite the smile he was fighting, "I'll go out with you."
Stiles grinned, wide and happy. Lydia had beenright after all — Stiles never should have doubted her — and, all of a sudden,Stiles had a shot at something he'd been pining after for a year but neverthought he could have. He had no idea what it would entail to be dating Derekand how their relationship might evolve, but he was eager to find out.
Judging by the look on Derek's face, he agreed.
Awesome.
