A collection of Mormon lore that sounds insane when I try to explain it: (warning: Long)
The Plan of Salvation (aka, the mormon life cycle): Mormons believe that our existence comes in phases.
The Premortal Existence: basically our souls have been alive since the creation of the universe, since before the creation of the earth, and every soul that has yet to be born is still there, chilling with God. The War in Heaven when Satan rebelled and took a 3rd of the souls with him to hell* happened in the premortal existence. Many Mormons also believe that we choose the trials and tribulations we will go through in life for ourselves in the premortal existence (i.e. any grief, disabilities, violence you experience is something you chose for yourself.
The Veil of Forgetfulness: Every mortal soul passes through the Veil either when they are conceived or when they are born and forget the premortal existence and my details about god. (this led me to believe at one point that my cervix was a portal to the premortal existence, and consequently, God).
Earth Life: The hell hole we’re in now. Now is the chance to get baptized, confirmed as a member and receive the holy ghost (basically your own spirit of god that hangs out with you), endowed (where you learn the secret handshakes to get into heaven**), sealed for time and all eternity to your spouse so you don’t lose them in eternity (women can only ever be sealed to one man, but men can be sealed to multiple women. in recent years it has also developed that these seals can in rare cases be broken, usually in situations of divorce stemming from domestic abuse but this needs to be directly approved by one of the highest up officials of the church and requests are often denied).
Death: Your mortal body dies, and depending on how mormon you were in life, on a scale of active apostate to true believing and worthy mormon you get sorted into…
Spirit Paradise or Spirit Prison: This is basically limbo but with a twist. Faithful and worthy mormons go immediately to Spirit Paradise upon death. This is basically pre-heaven, but you also get the bonus opportunity to be a missionary for those souls trapped in Spirit Prison. Spirit Prison is where literally everyone else goes, from your devout catholic grandmother to Stalin. Everyone gets an opportunity here to hear the mormon gospel and choose to join the church, but all the ordinances that you missed on earth (baptism, confirmation, endowment, and sealing) have to be done by a living mormon in a temple by proxy***. If you accept the gospel and your ordinances you can move up to Spirit Paradise to wait for…
The Second Coming of Jesus: What American 2nd Great Awakening church would be complete without a Last Days through line. This is when the earth will effectively be destroyed, and all the mormons remaining on earth will first collect where the garden of eden will be restored, also known as Adam-Ondi-Ahman, and Jesus will come down to earth after the calamity that destroys the unholy. Where is Adam-Ondi-Ahman? Jackson County, Missouri of course!!! Since it’s founding, pretty much everyone in every generation has believed that either they or their children will live to see the second coming, but the date is never set in stone, even by people in the church who claim to be able to see the past, present, and future****
The Millenium: This is a subsection of the Second Coming, this is 1000 years where Only Mormons will be on the earth, chilling with Jesus in their new Resurrected and Perfected bodies. Basically you will be as you were in your prime, except any ailments or physical imperfections will be erased. Historically this has been used to justify racism. Currently it is used to justify ableism, homophobia, transphobia, and (among some) racism! Once the Millennium is over it’s time for.
The Final Judgement: Your last chance to convert to mormonism is over. This is where your life is looked over in its entirety and you are sorted into 1 of 4 eternal kingdoms depending on how sinful you were, how much you repented, which mormon temple rituals you had done (either on earth or by proxy), and your faith journey.
The 4 Eternal Kingdoms (Except one of the kingdoms is divided into 3 tiers): The kingdoms are as follows from lowest to highest: Outer Darkness: The lowest you can go. This is where Satan, the Sons of Perdition*, Cain, and any apostates go. Exactly what level of apostasy qualifies you for Outer Darkness is debated heavily among mormons. Some believe that you have to literally see God in the flesh, deny him, and actively try to steer people away from God after seeing him in order to qualify. Others believe that all it takes is leaving the church after you are baptized. The Telestial Kingdom: The kingdom with the glory of the stars. This is for your urepentant sinners, your murderers, tyrants, abusers, rapists, genocide starters and facilitators, minor apostates (according to some). This is technically a kingdom of heaven, like you still get an immortal body here, you just don’t get a glorified body, and you can’t hang out with God. People from higher up kingdoms can come and hang out with you though. The Terrestrial Kingdom: Glory of the Moon. This is for your standard christians, well meaning athiests, other non-mormons who are generally good people. Also get an immortal body, but not glorified, and also can’t hang out with God. Unclear if things like homosexuality are allowed into the Terrestrial kingdom or if the gays need to hang out with the Nazis and serial killers in the Telestial. Based on recent speeches by higher ups I’m guessing no, but I imagine there are plenty of mormons who have one (1) gay friend and cannot imagine that friend getting sent lower than the Terrestrial kingdom. The Celestial Kingdom: The glory of the sun and the home of God himself. This is where the good mormons go, and there are 3 levels you can get sorted into based on how many rituals you got done. The lowest you can get is if you were only baptized and confirmed. If you were born mormon and sealed to your parents by birth, i believe you can still see them, but i’m not sure. The middle tier is for those who got their endowments done and learned most of the handshakes**. The highest tier is for those who got married and sealed to their spouse(s) in the temple and learned the final secret handshake. This is where god spends most of his time*****. If you are in the celestial kingdom, you can visit the lower kingdoms, you get an immortal and eternally glorified body, and up until recently, we’re able to become a god in your own right and create your own universe. Publicly the church no longer supports this doctrine, but many members still believe it (including my whole family pretty much). With eternal glory you can basically restart the cycle but with you at the helm. Also murky as to whether this is a perk only men can have.
The Book Of Mormon. The basics are that 600 years before Christ, a family of Jews including a minor prophet fled Jerusalem before the Babylonians conquered, stole back the golden plates that contained the record of their genealogy from some rich dude, survived in the desert for a bit before building a boat that sailed to the Americas. Most importantly, there are two main sons who were at odds here. Laman- The oldest who was also wicked and cruel, and Nephi- The youngest who was kind, righteous, and blessed by god to the point of becoming a prophet himself. He took charge leading the family through the wilderness. Nephi’s descendants would go on to become the holy Nephites, who had light skin and believed in the eventual coming of Jesus. Laman’s descendants would go on to become the wicked Lamanites, who had dark skin and which the church still claims today are among the ancestors of modern Native Americans despite definitive proof of the contrary. The roles they play as wicked and righteous switch up from time to time, but those walking in line with Jesus usually have light skin, and the wicked usually have dark. Eventually these civilizations go through numerous wars and rebirths and returns to faith, living all the way through the birth and resurrection of Jesus. These are the “other sheep which are not of this fold” that jesus refers to in the Gospels of the KJV of the bible. These two tribes eventually war so hard that the Nephites are wiped out, but all this time the descendants of Nephi have been keeping record of this history on golden plates, which the last Nephite named Moroni buries in a hill in what is now Palmyra, New York. Included with the golden plates there is also a briefer history of a much older civilization that came to the americas around the time of the Tower of Babel. Eventually found and translated by Joseph Smith over much of the 1820’s
The Book of Abraham and the Book of Moses: These are basically additions to the first 5 books of the Bible which are the foundation of most abrahamic religions. It includes more detail from the Burning Bush story, a story of a city that went from the most wicked to so holy that it was lifted up from the earth and sent directly to heaven called the City of Enoch, and The War in Heaven*. The source? 2 papyri that Joseph Smith bought off an antiquities dealer at the beginning of the Egypt craze. Joseph Smith claimed that the book of mormon which he translated was written in Reformed Egyptian, which meant that he could also translate these bad boys. The papyri were eventually found to be common funeral rites, not lost books of the bible. Joseph smith also slightly altered them to make them look more like the abraham story.
*The War in Heaven: So God has all his children, but the two most important ones are Lucifer, the eldest, and Jesus, the chosen. They both propose plans for how mortal life should go. Jesus is pro-choice, Lucifer is anti-choice. Basically Jesus thinks humans should get the chance to mess up, repent, and be forgiven, and he says that someone (him) should go down to earth conscious, never sin, but die for the sins of humanity so they have a chance to return to God. Lucifer proposes that humans should have no choice but to do right. God chooses Jesus’s plan, Lucifer throws a hissy fit, and a war breaks out. Lucifer convinces a 3rd of all souls to join his side, and eventually they are called The Sons of Perdition all banished to outer darkness. Apostates are people who chose Jesus’s side in the premortal life, but throughout their lives abandon the cause and side with Satan instead.
** The Temple Rituals and Handshakes: All the things you need to do to live with God.
Baptism and Confirmation: If you are born in the church, or if your parents join the church before you turn 8, you can get baptized when you turn 8. This is known as the Age of Accountability (basically up until now you were fully covered by grace.) After you turn 8 you are deemed mature enough to be accountable for your actions and anything you do that is sinful you need to go through a repentance process. All 8 year olds and other people hoping to join the church need to go through a Worthiness Interview with their bishop. 8 year olds almost never fail this interview, but they like you to think that you could. Once you get the go ahead, you set a date, and get full dunked in an all white outfit by a male who is at least 16 and properly ordained****** who is also dressed in all white. Everyone who gets baptized must also get confirmed by a man who is at least 18 and properly ordained to give you the Gift of the Holy Ghost, which will guide you through your life choices, and who can come and go depending on how wicked you are being. This is official membership in the church. This ritual can be done in a standard church house or really any body of water. It can also be done in the temple, but only for baptisms for the dead (we’ll get to that in a second)
Initiatory and Endowment: This is a ritual that must take place in the temple, whether for a living or dead person. This is where you learn all the secret mormon stuff, like what really happened in the garden of eden, and all but one of the sacred handshakes you need to learn to get into the celestial kingdom. This is where the weird clothes and the death pacts come in. Only 18 year olds and above can be endowed after going through 2 worthiness interviews, one with your bishop, the other with your stake president (a higher authority than bishop who you still see on occasion). You must do this endowment before serving a mission, and before you can get married. The things you learn in the endowment are considered so sacred that they should not be discussed outside of the temple. You get a new name assigned to you which will be the name you go by in heaven. Many only share this name with their spouses. You also make oaths that if you reveal what happens in the temple that you consent to be killed or kill yourself in a number of ways. In recent years this has become slightly less violent but the spirit of the gestures that were previously used to indicate this violence is very much there, just much more mild now. Finally you are ready to learn the handshakes (which are directly derived from Masonic handshakes and other physical symbology) to pass through the veil to the celestial kingdom.
Sealing: Part of the marriage ceremony, this is where husband and wife are sealed together for time and all eternity. You also learn the final handshake to get into super ultra mega heaven in the sealing ceremony. Couples who have been sealed in the temple will also have any subsequent children also automatically sealed to them. If the couple joined the church after having children, they must have their kids also join in the sealing ceremony, same with any kids the couple adopts. This is the only time children below the age of 18 can enter the holiest part of an active temple.
***Ordinances for the Dead: Starting at the age of 12 you can get a temple recommend (preceded by a yearly worthiness interview) to perform any ordinances you have had for yourself for the dead. These dead can be either: Family members who have been dead for at least a year and that you have written consent from the closest living relative to perform, family members who have been dead for more than 100 years (no consent required), or people you don’t know who also have been dead for 100 years (no consent required). These time policies are fairly new, following several baptism controversies including people getting baptized for victims of the Holocaust (for which they were issued a formal reprimand by the Jewish community and I believe several Holocaust Remembrance groups), Adolph Hitler (3 times), George Washington, and other historical figures. The ordinances must be performed in the order in which living people receive them, so often baptisms and confirmations are performed by minors, and then the names are passed on to a different area of the temple or back to the kid so they can pass them on to be performed by adults who have had all of their ordinances done. I used to perform proxy baptisms at least once a week for several years as a teenager. I woke up before the crack of dawn to go and do them before school.
**** Prophets, ***** The Priesthood, and ******Ordination: Male mormons are bestowed special spiritual gifts called keys beginning at age 12. There are 2 main types of priesthood gifts. Aaronic Priesthood gifts which are given starting at age 12, and Melchizedek priesthood gifts which are given starting at age 18. These are basically level ups to the power you were given at your baptism that allow you to commune with god at a deeper level and perform more rituals, such as blessing the sacrament (communion bread and wine (except mormons do water)), perform baptisms, give blessings for healing and good fortune, etc. There are some higher up things that you need a special calling to obtain within the melchizedek priesthood, the most common being patriarchal keys, which only one person in a given area can wield at one time. these are basically low level fortune telling abilities that you use to give special blessings to people called Patriarchal Blessings. Waaay higher up you start getting the keys of Prophecy, Seership, and Revelation. These are only accessible to the top 15 most holy men in mormonism. They basically allow you to see into the past and the future and directly commune with god. they also give you the authority to speak for the church and for god himself. Unlocking these levels is done through a ritual called ordination, and you can only unlock keys for people in levels below you. Mormons have an extreme hierarchy.
Anyway I’m done typing now. Feel free to add your deep cuts. I probably will later.
And now for the first in an irregular series of posts that I'm *not* calling "Mormon stuff that probably only me and @nerdygaymormon are old enough to remember."
So, the big green hymnbooks. In some recent "Mormon aesthetic" posts, hymnbook green ranked with "Book of Mormon blue" as the most iconic Mormon colors. But before 1985, we had a much different hymnbook:
[Image description: two LDS hymnbooks, the current edition in green, and an older edition in brown]
That's the 1948 hymnbook. And besides a different color (it also came in navy blue), it had a nifty embossed cover that was fun to do rubbings with using a crayon and the sacrament program.
It also had more hymns than the current book. It had 389 (or 387 in older editions) whereas the current book has 341. Obviously quite a few were dropped, including some I quite like such as "Come, thou fount of every blessing" and "Though in the outward church below."
There were also some lyric changes here and there. Let's look at "How firm a foundation." Here's the 1985 version:
[Image description: the vocal score to "How firm a foundation"]
The first verse ends with the repeated line "who unto the Savior."
And here's the 1948 version:
[Image description: the vocal score to "How firm a foundation from the 1948 hymnbook]
The repeated line there is "you who unto Jesus."
Now, "How firm a foundation" is one of the most commonly-sung hymns in the church. So much so that many members, especially older ones, will sing it from memory. So when the new book came along, it wasn't so much that the new lyrics were ignored as they weren't even noticed.
In subsequent years, people did get on board with the changed words, but to this day, especially in wards with numerous elderly members, you'll still hear "yoo-hoo!" unto Jesus.
